Do I reciprocate a bridesmaid?

[HannahMontana1]

I am feeling guilty and need advice!

My partner's friend’s girlfriend has asked me to be a bridesmaid for her wedding a year ago, which completely took me by surprise as we had never hung out just the 2 of us, and I personally never thought we clicked too well. I am an awkward person and said yes as I didn’t want to be mean. I feel I was asked as my partner is a groomsman for them.

Since then I got engaged, and am due to get married months after this couple, and I always planned who my bridesmaids would be - and that doesn’t include this girl, as I just feel we aren’t close! This is making me feel awful as my partner has reciprocated the groomsman, so that would leave her being the odd one out.

To make things worse we are all in the same friendship circle, so we have other mutual friends who keep asking about our weddings, and who are bridesmaids are.. and I can’t bring myself to share that she won’t be apart of it. I have my own friends away from this social circle. This whole situation is driving me crazy and I change my mind everyday of what I should do. I do feel irritated that she’s created this situation for me!

I don’t know what to do, do I give in and just reciprocate in order to have an easy life and to receive no awkward judgement from her, her partner and my friendship circle?
Or do I stick to my guns and have who I want as a bridesmaid, and potentially be seen as a ‘b’ by everyone who comes to our weddings?

My partner said the friend group could view me as ‘mean’ for not reciprocating, and this plays on my mind!

It's very very normal for some friends to not pick others back in my social circle

Ive never been bridesmaid for a friend, (most chose to have their sisters) I had my cousin as mine and she chose her siblings for hers so it doesn’t need to be reciprocated,

choose who you really want and not just a token gesture.

Thanks - I suppose it’s dealing with the awkwardness around our friendship group and them wondering why I never reciprocated..

I understand the awkwardness but its fine to not ask her to be your bridesmaid

I’ve been a bridesmaid 3 times, getting married next month and I haven’t asked any of those women to be my bridesmaid as I only wanted my sister

also being a bridesmaid is a fucking ball ache, you’re doing her a favour by letting her enjoy the wedding without a “job” to do in my opinion 😂

I think go with who you want

But the OP agreed to be this other friend’s bridesmaid a year ago. Surely, given that she’s worried about ‘awkwardness’ in the friendship group, it will be considerably more awkward if she drops out now, and announces her own bridesmaids shortly afterwards?

Aren't bridesmaids traditionally unmarried women anyway?

As long as you are not having a stupid number of bridesmaids, and the ones you choose are demonstrably family members or much closer friends, you are fine.

I've been a bridesmaid 4 times as an adult. I had 4 bridesmaids myself. Of the four brides I've done it for, they were invited to our wedding as follows:
1: my maid of honour
2: did a reading at our wedding, not a bridesmaid
3: full day invite
4: evening invite only

People have different friends and different reasons for asking. You should have who you like on your special day.

I did have a dinner with all my girls and family the night before I got married, to which a number of friends were invited and thanked for being so close

Go with who you want, but out of kindness talk to the woman about it, don't let her find out in a group where people might draw attention to it.

Just say that you were really grateful to be chosen and had a lovely day but you have childhood friends/ smaller wedding/ asked them years ago.... whatever reason is both true and kind.

You are completely fine not to reciprocate, but there are choices in how to handle it, if she doesn't have many friends and might be sensitive.

I would talk to her, even a text if you find it awkward. I think it would be great yo ask her to do a reading or something. Box ticked and you don't have to feel guilty! Not that you need to, you definitely do not need to reciprocate.

Could you not give her a different role, perhaps? I'm not sure what, not married, myself sob sob but something that only she gets to do but isn't above the bridesmaids.. x

Awww don't sob 😘
Some of the relationship posts on MN should make you glad not to be married, lucky escape and all that 😜😁

Mmmm perhaps in a different century........ really don't see how married/unmarried would be even slightly relevant.

I had my best friend from uni as my MOH. She was married a year later but has sisters, cousins and nieces so I wasn’t at all hurt not to be chosen.

She doesn’t need to be a bridesmaid so don’t feel pressured! But if she is the only one “left out”, can you leave a seat for her beside her partner? That’s probably her only concern if he’s a groomsman, that she’ll be sitting elsewhere alone. You could get her to do a reading or something if you like, but I think as long as she gets to sit with her partner for the meal it’s fine!

I wouldn’t worry about it to much. My friend asked me to be her bridesmaid but I haven’t asked her! I felt bad at first but I decided just to have my sisters as bridesmaids

Everyone’s going to say ‘do what you want’ but this is going to cause a lot of hurt and upset over not much, does it really matter if you have one extra bridesmaid? I personally think it’s shit to say yes to being someone’s bridesmaid if you know you’d never return the favour, there are polite and kind ways of turning it down rather than ending up in this situation

What difference does one extra bridesmaid cause, I agree with jolly pink fox. I think you should ask her too, you are likely to be thrown together through your married life if the two men are close.
you may find you do like her after all, maybe she is different to your friends but someone different could turn out to be special to you later in your married life and when babies come along.
dont be mean , invite her
good luck

As the weddings are so close together, yes I think you should definitely have her as a bridesmaid.
If it was years ago and your relationship changed, that's different.
That's really rude and hurtful in my opinion, as you've not even been to her wedding yet.

She isn't being 'left out', she just hasn't been asked, as you have someone else closer to you that you want to ask.

Being a bridesmaid isn't reciprocal at all.
Some people have sisters / cousins they are close to / others don't.
Some people have a friend they lived with for 3 yrs at University / some don't
Some people have a childhood friend they are really close to / some don't
Some people want one person, or two people that they know will be really helpful and support them / others want some kind of staged show with 6 matching bridesmaids.

Of course you don't have to ask her.

So are all your bridesmaids from a different social circle? Or is she the only one who is not a bridesmaid from your shared social circle? If it’s the latter I will ask her. If the former I will keep things as they are.

Good point from Pp about giving her a seat with her husband. it would be my main concern tbh if I were her.

There are a few key variables. How many bridesmaids are you having? If it’s a huge number, adding one more isn’t a big deal. if it’s smaller, then it makes sense to keep it small.

Will she be the only woman in that friendship circle who is not part of the wedding party? If so, then it will be awkward so make her a bridesmaid. If not, she will have friends to be with so again, it’s not an issue.

I mean, would it be a massive hardship of you did ask her to be your bridesmaid? Its one extra dress to buy and frankly ive been to weddings with a load of bmaids... you dont need to bump someone out of the bridal party for her, just add her in.
If both of your partners are close friends you are likely to be socialising together in the long term... you might regret not including her.