How to politely decline a hen do invite?

[ThatTwinklyPearlSloth]

Hi all,

I’ve been added to a WhatsApp group for a hen do in July next year. My question is, how do you politely decline an invitation when you’re given a date so far in advance?

To be honest, I was really surprised to receive the invitation as the bride is a friend from school whom I’ve had very little contact with over the past few years. Our friendship has just fizzled, no argument or animosity that I’m aware of. I did grow tired of always being the one to instigate meeting up for coffee/lunch/drinks and whenever I did try to organise anything it had to be 3-4 months in advance because she was too busy and plans were constantly cancelled by her with no effort on her part to rearrange. I’m of the opinion that you make time for or prioritise people who you care for or enjoy spending time with and it just got to a point where I felt I just wasn’t deemed worthy of her time and so gave up trying to make plans and keep the friendship alive. Consequently, we haven’t really had any contact for over 4 years because she never instigated anything after I gave up asking.

So I was highly surprised at being added to a WhatsApp group for her hen do! The group has nearly 30 people in there so I don’t think she’s short of friends or people to invite. I’m pleased for her and have congratulated her on her engagement but I suppose I really resent spending £300+ on a hen do where I won’t know anyone else and barely know the bride at this point. I’ve just bought a house and money is really tight.

We’re not on bad terms and I don’t want to come across as rude. How can I politely decline or what is a reasonable excuse?

You don't even need to give an excuse, say "sorry, I can't make it" and leave the group. I had the same for my cousin's hen, I didn't know any of her friends and also it was quite far away. If you'd be seeing your friend soon you could explain in person, but it doesn't sound like you will be if you haven't had any contact in 2 years....

Just reply graciously saying thanks for the invite but you can’t afford it due to your current circumstances . Wish her the best and send a card and bottle of fizz to the wedding when it happens

Just say you can’t make it.
If you don’t feel you can decline without an excuse you could say you have already booked a holiday.
doesn’t sound like you’ll be catching up and have to lie about it anyway

I would simply leave the group

You've not had contact in 4 years??

I agree with PP, you don't need an excuse, just a polite "sorry I can't make it", with a comment about how you hope they all have a great time. And then leave the group.

She won't expect everyone to attend. There's no obligation.
Just say sorry you can't make it. That's it.

Say no?

‘Hey, thanks for the invite, sounds like a fab weekend of celebrations. I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it but hope you have a lovely time!’

This. No need to make excuses.

No need to explain. The last hen I was invited to was costing a fortune, and not something I wanted to do. I just said I wouldn’t be going. When asked why, I said “because I don’t want to”. A couple of others said later that they wished they had done the same.

I suspect this a case of Economics of Scales. Many many people are invited so the cost of it is spread our among all so the people she actually wants there does not have to pay as much.

I would just send an message saying you are unable to attend and wish her the best with her upcoming marriage and leave the group.

This and then leave the group.

I love that 👏🏼 I definitely need to start doing more of this and normalising just “not wanting to”

This, and pp have said leave the group.

I don't think you need to get be an excuse at all OP

I would say "Hey thanks so much for the invite, unfortunately I won't be able to make it. I hope you all have the best time!"

Exactly 👍

Yes just say Thank you so much for the invitation. I can't make it but hope you have a lovely time.

If she didn't make an effort for you she is either expecting you to make an effort now or inviting you to be nice. You really don't have to go.

Is she even in the group?

If the bride is in the WhatsApp group it would be really rude to leave without saying anything.

Rude even if someone else has organised and posted a message, costs nothing to say a message along the lines above

Thanks all. I’ll definitely post a message in the group. I suppose I was worried that not going to the hen do would be a very finite end to the friendship (not that there’s much left of it anyway!) whereas as things stand pre-hen do I could at least have a chat with her if I bump into her in the supermarket🤣 if that makes sense at all. I’m just a huuuge overthinker and don’t want to come across as rude.

Thing with WhatsApp it isn't FtF so you can just quietly leave and I think by the time it's in full swing organising they will have forgotten you said you weren't going.

I couldn’t understand her reasoning for my invite at all so this actually makes a lot of sense🤣🤣 as sad as it sounds!

You've been out of each others lives for long enough that if you say "sorry, I can't make it but have a fab time" she won't think anything of it.

Time to not worry quite so much what others think about you - they probably aren't anyway!

People sometimes want large hen dos just for the clout as well I think, 'look how popular I am' etc.

I like @SpeccyDoodler message, if you wanted a reason I'd just say you're away then. No need for details etc.

Definitely don't say you can't afford it. She not a friend and that's your business. I would leave the group. She can message you privately if she wants to but you still don't have to answer or go.

'I'm really sorry I can't make it. I hope you have a fabulous time x'
That would work.