Being asked to RSVP 11m before wedding

[MamaBearCharlie]

Colleague of mine and husband’s (I’m in their team, husband is MD) sent wedding invitation about six weeks ago for a wedding next year in April on a Wednesday, not close to where we live. It’s term-time, too far really to drive there and back in a day. We’re being pushed for an answer.
How do I politely say I’ve no idea what we’ll be doing then and can we not RSVP later in the year?! Do we say yes now knowing we might have to cancel?! I don’t want to flat out say no now if we could possibly make it (albeit a bit of a commitment to both have hols at same time needing childcare overnight mid-week). It’s not impossible. This colleague knows we’ve got pretty flexible childcare and holiday arrangements.
I just don’t feel ready to commit to a wedding a year away!!!

I think the idea is that if you commit to go, you don't make any other plans on that day. You keep it free so you can go. People need to have people RSVP so they can confirm numbers with venue, caterers etc

You’ve got 11 months notice so surely you don’t have plans that day so you can go? Then you’ve got 11 months to sort the details, plenty of time.

Also if you don’t want to go they’ve got plenty of time to invite someone else

It’s very hard to come up with an excuse that far away! I’d be the same as you.

You've been given 11 months, you can surely book childcare etc that far in advance to ensure you can go. It would be stupid to leave it more last minute as it would give less time to sort stuff, why are you waiting till later on instead of just sorting yourselves out now (if you actually want to go - which it sounds like you might not, if you don't then decline, don't mess around with the whole I'll decide closer to the time if I like you enough to bother going).

Not knowing what you're doing in a year - I guess that's the point, here you've got one invitation to something, so if you've got nothing else planned then you're free to attend that first thing. Waiting to see if you get a better offer would be a poor show.

But if you've got practical / logistical reasons for not being able to commit e.g. childcare / affording travel, then I guess you make a decision and live with it.

I would hate that. There is a good reason most people send them out 6 weeks before, because it’s ok to decline! Awkward.

What do you mean you don't know what you'll be doing then? Either you want to go or you don't, and if you don't then you need to decline. You don't hold on to see if you get a better offer! How rude.

I am struggling to see the way you are approaching this. It's an invite if you want to go you accept and block a day or so either side and make future plans based on your commitments?

Talk about keeping your options open! I'd be rescinding the invite to you if it was me.

You either want to go or you don't. If you would just go if you had nothing better to do then decline for their sake.

As another poster said you obviously are free that day, so whats the problem rsvp'ing yea?!

The whole point of giving you lots of notice is that you can book that date in (and giving people lots of notice so they aren't already booked up). The reason they want you to RSVP now is because RSVPing later in the year will be too late. If you can't come they likely have a B list and can invite someone else. They also likely have to confirm numbers to the venue. So either RSVP yes now and then commit to going and book that date out in your calendar/arrange childcare etc. Or say no and don't go. You can't ask to change the RSVP date that would be very rude.

At the moment you sound like you only want to go if nothing better comes up so I would decline. Each guest costs a fortune (often upwards of £100 per guest) and if I were getting married I wouldn't want pay for you if you had that attitude about attending my wedding.

Surely either you want to go and make the necessary arrangements for that to happen, or you don’t? Otherwise you’re essentially waiting in case you get a better offer.

The politest option is probably that as more senior work invitee, dh accepts in order to represent you all, but explains that sadly his dw & the dc will be unable to attend as family commitments.

If he doesn't want to go either, a polite decline from the whole family is ok.

Unless you quite fancy going as a family? In which case, stick in the diary & plan around it.

I wouldn't lose much sleep either way - they have all year to cross off 'flakies'. Just stick to whatever works for you, but be up front so they can update their invites if you won't be going.

Simple: you either commit to attend the wedding or send your apologies.

If you send your apologies, don't tell them it's because you're holding out for something better.

It’s less about seeing if something better comes up and more about bigger family commitments. We’d talked about visiting family abroad during Easter hols and really not sure if we’d both be able to take hols literally the week after we’re back. We won’t know if we’re able to visit said family until later in the year. I totally appreciate I sound like a right knobber.
I was just so surprised at being chased to RSVP so far away from wedding when there was no date to RSVP on the invitation. In fact, it actually says “save the date” at the top of the postcard! I didn’t realise it was an actual invitation until I got an email asking.

I’ve just accepted an invite 2 years away! I am delighted to attend and will now decline any further invitations for that date. Seems pretty simple if you want to go

It’s not simple though if you don’t want to go to a wedding!

It’s completely awkward because what excuse can you give except ‘I don’t want to go’ which is a bit rude and that’s the only option (unless you book a holiday, which my friend once did to get out of going to a wedding.)

I think you just say we're away the two weeks prior and I don't think we can make that work in terms of more annual leave the week we come back

Do you want to go. If not, decline. If you want to go, accept. I ts s year away you can fo one of two things. If you are not dure, you really shoukd decline - weddings cost a lot of money let them invite people who want to actually be there.

Your DH is the MD, get him to agree it!

I think as you describe them as a colleague not a friend and are so ambivalent about going I'd politely decline giving the reason stated (going away with family the week before so can't also take more leave when you return).

Tell her the plan is still taking place and you'd know nearer the time if there is any flex but as she wants to know now (probably for a second wave of invites) you will sadly decline.

I think it's reasonable. They must know a midweek wedding will be difficult for some people to attend and they don't want to make catering arrangements for 100 people only to have just 20 show up.

They are asking everyone to decide now whether attending this event is worth all the upheaval of attending something midweek.

If your real answer is "I can't really decide until a few weeks before" please RSVP with a "No thank you"

The fact that they didn't put a date to RSVP by changes means I'm much more understanding than I was!

But, you still need to make decisions about your trip to visit family now then. If you really are unable to do so for another couple of months, I'd do one of two things:

1. decline because you can't commit
2. if you're close the engaged couple, explain that you're working out some logistics about returning from a trip which may prevent you from attending and ask for some grace to work things out. Agree a rsvp date however and make sure you give them an answer by then, even if you'd prefer to wait longer.

While the traditional etiquette of sending wedding invitations 6 weeks before the big day is very outdated expecting an RSVP 11 months before the event is equally ridiculous. I get save the dates as a heads up for people who'd like to try and keep the date free it's a bit much to expect everyone the able to commit at that point.

We organised our wedding in three weeks. Only two people we would have liked there were unable to come. Ridiculous to expect people to commit so far ahead.