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Original poster

Being asked to RSVP 11m before wedding

35 replies

MamaBearCharlie · 17/06/2024 20:09

Colleague of mine and husband’s (I’m in their team, husband is MD) sent wedding invitation about six weeks ago for a wedding next year in April on a Wednesday, not close to where we live. It’s term-time, too far really to drive there and back in a day. We’re being pushed for an answer.
How do I politely say I’ve no idea what we’ll be doing then and can we not RSVP later in the year?! Do we say yes now knowing we might have to cancel?! I don’t want to flat out say no now if we could possibly make it (albeit a bit of a commitment to both have hols at same time needing childcare overnight mid-week). It’s not impossible. This colleague knows we’ve got pretty flexible childcare and holiday arrangements.
I just don’t feel ready to commit to a wedding a year away!!!

OP posts:

WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2024 17:42

Do the caterers really need the numbers so far in advance?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/06/2024 18:00

MamaBearCharlie · 17/06/2024 20:59

It’s less about seeing if something better comes up and more about bigger family commitments. We’d talked about visiting family abroad during Easter hols and really not sure if we’d both be able to take hols literally the week after we’re back. We won’t know if we’re able to visit said family until later in the year. I totally appreciate I sound like a right knobber.
I was just so surprised at being chased to RSVP so far away from wedding when there was no date to RSVP on the invitation. In fact, it actually says “save the date” at the top of the postcard! I didn’t realise it was an actual invitation until I got an email asking.

Then simply say that you already have provisional family plans for a "big birthday" on that weekend for a family member. You can see that they are anxious to confirm numbers but that you have to decline as you cannot commit/already have plans that will have to take precedence and you don't want to let them down closer to the time.

Say thank you for the lovely invite and send a gift in due course. If your husband is the MD then it's likely that however well you all get on, you've had the invite because he's the boss. You have however been given priority over others [probably family/friends] and should recognise that while it's a long way in advance, they may be right on the money that you'd be offended not to be invited, but also unlikely to go. Let them fill the place with folk who do.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 18/06/2024 18:03

There is no way they need to confirm final numbers with venues and caterers 11 months out.

I suggest you reply say that provisionally you would like to attend but can't confirm this far in advance. That you understand that this might not be suitable and if that is the case then you need to decline.

SirenDiMare · 18/06/2024 18:11

If you have nothing planned for their wedding date, surely the only questions you need to ask yourself is if you want to and can go to the wedding or not? Maybe it's just me, but I don't accept invitations based on whether or not I might receive better invitations or offers at a later point. If an event sounds good, I'll go. If I receive other invitations for the same date I'll just have to decline as I have already committed to something else. You can't attend everything.

StrawberryWasp · 14/10/2024 22:22

I get it OP.

I don't necessarily know my holiday dates a year in advance and if it's a school holiday I'd think we haven't decided what we're doing yet.
And I wouldn't want to plan my holidays around someone else's wedding (unless they were a very close family member.)

Be honest say: we'd love to come but I'm not sure yet what our holiday plans for next April are. Could we be a provisional yes and I'll confirm as soon as I can.

They are then quite free to say: sorry we can't hold your place as we have others we'd like to invite. Enjoy your holidays and we'll share lots of photos.

Both reasonable.

Moonshiners · 14/10/2024 22:25

3luckystars · 17/06/2024 20:22

I would hate that. There is a good reason most people send them out 6 weeks before, because it’s ok to decline! Awkward.

6 weeks?! Bollocks. You are the extras list 😁

Roryno · 14/10/2024 22:32

I think it’s ok to send invites out well in advance. In my previous job I had to book leave six months in advance, so I always had to turn down wedding invitations sent a couple of months away from the wedding.

OP you don’t sound like you want to go. Surely you can just arrange to visit family abroad at a different time if you want to go to the wedding? If you’re really not sure or feeling like you aren’t sure, perhaps it’s better to just say no?

5475878237NC · 14/10/2024 23:05

I think it's extremely rude not to decide whether you want to go then actually commit to it by not making other plans. It sounds like you want to keep your options open. Therefore just decline so they can choose less flakey guests.

Skyhu · 15/10/2024 07:46

I'm in a similar situation with my own wedding. Our venue is limited to only 40, meaning that we have a bit of an A list, B list situation.

It's been really hard trying to find the most appropriate way to navigate this. But we settled with pushing this people we expect to be flakey for an answer. With the ones I felt able to, I was honest with the reason why, others I just said we needed to know numbers for caterers.

Impossible to know if this couple have the same situation as us, but if you're being asked this far in advance you're probably on the A - list!

TheaBrandt · 15/10/2024 07:52

Seems insanely far in advance to me. Family member came up with idea of working abroad and within 3 months they were gone to other side of world on 2 year contract. Or ill health. You just can’t know. Also sounds like as you work with them and they are senior you might have to go or suffer the consequences.

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