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Original poster

Questions about marriage in a Catholic church

47 replies

LittleRebelGirl · 04/05/2024 16:18

Me and my partner are talking about getting married. He has told me he wants to be married in a Catholic church.
He is baptised, did Holy Communion and Confirmation. He doesn't attend church regularly in his own time, but does as a teacher (teaches in Catholic school, not by choice, just happened to be the job he could get - he's previously worked in a Jewish school!).
I'm totally non religious. Atheist. I'm baptised Catholic however.
I've been married before in a registry office, the marriage was over 4 hours later (his infidelity came to light). I had to go through a divorce as I couldn't have an annulment (early pregnancy at time of marriage).
Can we marry in a Catholic church? As ridiculous as I think religion is, if it is something he would like then it's fine by me. I just want to be married, I'd get married in our back garden, or at Gretna Green. Whatever! It's about the marriage and not the venue for me!
If we can marry in a Catholic church, do we need to marry in our nearest catholic church also? I think he'd prefer to marry in the parish of his school.
Thanks for anyone who can offer advice!

OP posts:
Mamette · 04/05/2024 16:24

Different priests might have different views on it. You might have to “shop around” for a priest. It doesn’t have to be your own parish, that’s moot if you don’t go to mass anyway.

Edited as I clearly didn’t read the OP!

Stipdown · 04/05/2024 16:27

I thought divorcees couldn't remarry in a catholic ceremony? But you could get a blessing?

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 04/05/2024 16:28

Being an atheist isn't a problem. I'm an atheist who married a Catholic in a Catholic Church.

But they will draw the line at a divorcee.

Sorry.

Molly70 · 04/05/2024 16:39

I think they will allow it if your first marriage was not a religious ceremony which it wasn’t. This was the reason they gave for allowing Boris Johnson to marry Carrie in a Catholic Church despite his past marriages . I would remind them of this if they say you can’t after all everyone is supposed to be equal in the eyes of God

GrumpyPanda · 04/05/2024 16:45

Don't think you count as a divorcee in their understanding given you never had a church wedding.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 04/05/2024 16:47

You’re catholic as you’ve been baptised so fine.
The divorce will be your sticking point.

Kirstyshine · 04/05/2024 16:51

You weren’t married in the eyes of he church though, I’d have thought?

Definitely worth your fella talking to his school church priest - approaches vary, ime.

longdistanceclaraclara · 04/05/2024 16:52

The device will be your issue.

When I tried to marry my non catholic husband in the Catholic Church, the Anglican crossover priest, married with two kids refused us. We had a blessing instead.

Depends on your church I think.

Precipice · 04/05/2024 16:52

You didn't have a church wedding, therefore by Catholic Church standards, you were not married. You were living in sin (since you had sex). If you were a confirmed Catholic, the solution would be to go to confession, but since it sounds like you were only baptised as an infant and never took Communion, it might be that you'd have some extra steps there.

You could marry because he is entitled to marry in the Catholic Church. It wouldn't be as a sacrament for you; it would be essentially as you being a 'witness' to the wedding (even though you are one of the parties to the marriage, obviously). The point is that one party alone being a Catholic suffices. My grandmother was a Catholic and had a Church wedding and her husband was not any sort of Christian, never baptised, a member of another faith. That was the construct.

Some things do depend on the priest (and also on the country; even though the Church considers itself universal, actually what it allows and doesn't as a norm differs a lot between various countries).

Catsonskis · 04/05/2024 16:53

Yep it’s divorce which is the problem generally but some more progressive may consider you because of your husband, but it’s unlikely.

ny mum went to one Catholic Church and its associated schools her whole life, went to and volunteered at the youth club, was in the choir, volunteered and all sorts, heavily involved.

priest wouldn’t marry her as my dad was a divorcee. She never ever went back/did anything g for them or the church again

Deipara · 04/05/2024 16:57

Stipdown · 04/05/2024 16:27

I thought divorcees couldn't remarry in a catholic ceremony? But you could get a blessing?

They can't. A quick google will verify this OP.

Minister01 · 04/05/2024 17:00

Getting married in a Catholic Church isn’t easy.

We had to ask our priest permission to marry. As in he had a meeting with us to ask why we wanted to get married. We also had to attend church every week. Then we had to get proof of our baptisms from the original church and letters that we had never married before in any parish that we had lived. A non religious wedding isn’t classed as a wedding in the Catholic Church so shouldn’t be a problem. We also had to go to marriage classes too (but we actually enjoyed those). Then we met with the priest individually to promise to ‘Go forth and multiply’ and bring our children up in the Catholic faith.

I was also not confirmed Catholic, but I also wanted a religious ceremony. I can’t imagine going along with all that faff if I wasn’t.

Welovecrumpets · 04/05/2024 17:02

Stipdown · 04/05/2024 16:27

I thought divorcees couldn't remarry in a catholic ceremony? But you could get a blessing?

Only if the previous marriage was in a Catholic Church I believe. Otherwise they won’t recognise it

ASighMadeOfStone · 04/05/2024 17:03

As pp has said, if the original marriage was only a civil marriage, then it's not recognised and so yes you can.
The priest you speak to will ask for evidence of this.
Then as above, you'll be asked to say why you want to be married in a Catholic ceremony and invited to attend a course probably.

Dangerousfemale · 04/05/2024 17:33

You can usually contact your local Catholic Diocese office of the Bishop and discuss it with them. Every diocese has a marriage tribunal with experts (male & female) in Canon Law. They get asked questions like this constantly and can help you get some clear answers. The response can depend on many factors that are unique to each couple, so I would get their advice rather than mumsnetters. The Church wants marriages to happen, so will work with you and try and find a solution.

I would like to point out as a practicing, believing Catholic however to not take marrying in a Catholic Church lightly. In the Church marriage is a Sacrament and for life. Catholics of course do get annulments and the Church encourages those in abusive marriages to get civilly divorced to protect the spouse and children, followed by annulment. The Church therefore has a very high regard for marriage and you are expected to take your vows seriously, including promising to welcome children and raise them in the faith.
You will be expected to attend pre-marriage preparation.
If you find any of this offensive or not something you are willing to commit to, then I would caution you to do plenty of research together and meet with caring, devout Catholics who can answer all your questions.

lilybloom2 · 04/05/2024 17:35

Although your marriage isn't recognised as a sacramental marriage in the eyes of the church, it still counts and you will need to receive a dispensation from the bishop of the diocese. There are rules for marrying outside your parish too so it's not automatic that you can marry in your fiancés schools parish although it's should just be a formality. Best thing to do is go as a couple to speak to the priest.

I hope it works out for you

Original poster
LittleRebelGirl · 04/05/2024 20:17

Dangerousfemale · 04/05/2024 17:33

You can usually contact your local Catholic Diocese office of the Bishop and discuss it with them. Every diocese has a marriage tribunal with experts (male & female) in Canon Law. They get asked questions like this constantly and can help you get some clear answers. The response can depend on many factors that are unique to each couple, so I would get their advice rather than mumsnetters. The Church wants marriages to happen, so will work with you and try and find a solution.

I would like to point out as a practicing, believing Catholic however to not take marrying in a Catholic Church lightly. In the Church marriage is a Sacrament and for life. Catholics of course do get annulments and the Church encourages those in abusive marriages to get civilly divorced to protect the spouse and children, followed by annulment. The Church therefore has a very high regard for marriage and you are expected to take your vows seriously, including promising to welcome children and raise them in the faith.
You will be expected to attend pre-marriage preparation.
If you find any of this offensive or not something you are willing to commit to, then I would caution you to do plenty of research together and meet with caring, devout Catholics who can answer all your questions.

Thanks. It seems complicated. I think this one is for the other half to sort out!
We won't be having children, we already have children from previous relationships and at 40, I'm not starting over again even if I could. We've been together for 7 years and are happy as we are 😊.
Honestly, I couldn't care less about it being in any kind of church, but my hopefully upcoming marriage is of the upmost importance for me. It is irrelevant where that takes place. Honestly, that kind of attitude is what makes me find religion ridiculous. As if I wouldn't find my marriage vows important!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleRebelGirl · 04/05/2024 20:21

Sorry, I didn't mean that to come across as harsh as it sounds. I am genuinely thankful for the advice.

OP posts:
SuuzeeeQ · 04/05/2024 20:25

I grew up Catholic but I am not practicing. In my home country, you can’t get married in Catholic church unless you had a first communion (you can do this later in life) and definitely not if you are already divorced. They might be more relaxed in Britain. Personally I don’t get why non religious people marry in church or baptise their children. Many only do it “for the venue” and IMO it’s a bit hypocritical.

Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 20:32

I don't think a Church marriage is for you OP.

You'll have to attend marriage preparation courses for a few weekends in the run up.

You make promises with your vows, in the sight of God. As a non believer, I'm not sure why you'd have a Christian marriage tbh.

I don't mean that to come across in a rude way, but I think it would be complicated for you and potentially you won't like the vows you have to make. There is a vow about welcoming children and bringing them up Catholic.

Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 20:36

Deipara · 04/05/2024 16:57

They can't. A quick google will verify this OP.

Show quote history

The church doesn't recognise a registry office marriage as valid. You could be divorced 5 times and marry in the Church as long as the previous ceremonies were only held in registry offices or hotels.

Deipara · 04/05/2024 20:42

Dacadactyl · 04/05/2024 20:36

The church doesn't recognise a registry office marriage as valid. You could be divorced 5 times and marry in the Church as long as the previous ceremonies were only held in registry offices or hotels.

Show quote history

You are absolutely right - thank you. I shouldn't comment on threads I don't read fully whilst at work! Sorry!

Original poster
LittleRebelGirl · 04/05/2024 20:42

No, it might not be for me. But it seems it is for the other half. What he wants is important to me. I want him to be happy also. I don't care where we marry, he does. So it seems like a fair compromise.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 04/05/2024 20:44

LittleRebelGirl · 04/05/2024 20:17

Thanks. It seems complicated. I think this one is for the other half to sort out!
We won't be having children, we already have children from previous relationships and at 40, I'm not starting over again even if I could. We've been together for 7 years and are happy as we are 😊.
Honestly, I couldn't care less about it being in any kind of church, but my hopefully upcoming marriage is of the upmost importance for me. It is irrelevant where that takes place. Honestly, that kind of attitude is what makes me find religion ridiculous. As if I wouldn't find my marriage vows important!

Show quote history

It's a bit of an area for wriggle room. As your previous marriage was in a registry office and was a civil ceremony you might be able to get married in a catholic church. However, being divorced is an issue. You need to be prepared to discuss the marriage and the end of it with the parish priest who might well then discuss it with the bishop before you have an answer. However, if you sound like it doesn't matter and is not important to you, be prepared for the answer to be no.

Marriage is a sacrament in the catholic church and is for life. Some priests and diocese are really strict about it. My friend was left by her cheating husband who then divorced her. She has not been allowed to take Holy Communion since. She re-married a widower but it was not allowed to be in church and neither can take Holy Communion.

Original poster
LittleRebelGirl · 04/05/2024 20:45

I don't mind about attending marriage preparation. I'd like to know what that involves, but it sounds quite enjoyable... me and the other half hardly ever get time to focus on our relationship as children and work are all consuming. It might be nice to have time for us. Although childcare will be a problem 🫣.

OP posts: