Surprise wedding at Christening?

[crabette]

We were supposed to get married during Covid - we rescheduled a few times, but then decided to scrap it given the uncertainty, and start our family instead.

We now have our 2 DC, and planning to have a Christening ceremony for 2nd DC this summer.

DP still wants us to have a big wedding, however I really don't anymore - I think the stress of planning a series of different weddings for various dates / circumstances through lockdown has taken the joy completely out of it for me, and I just want to get married without having a big run up / it being a big conversation / consuming event again!

I'd like to have a small ceremony in secret with just immediate family, DP would still like to celebrate properly with an extended guest list. Both our families are huge, so our original wedding guest list was around 200. With 2 DC and now looking to move house, financially I don't think we can prioritise the wedding we once planned.

About 100 of our wedding guest list attended our first DC's christening - many people who (politically) "had" to be invited couldn't or didn't attend, given it was a weekend church service.

WIBU to invite everyone to 2nd DC's christening but start it with a wedding ceremony, without telling anyone in advance? I think this could be a good compromise - low key with no one knowing in advance, and low cost - but still a church and a white dress and those present who make the effort to show up for our kids.

I have my dress, our rings, etc. I'd imagine again similar numbers would attend. We would organise a low key afterparty with buffet - not a sit down meal. But likely would finish about teatime.

Can't decide if I'm being insane! Or indeed what the day might look like in terms of logistics, who should know, etc.

Do it!

I did quite a few the years I worked as a chaplain. They were lovely weedings!

I don't see why you shouldn't combine it, but I also don't see why it should be a surprise (I'd hate the tension). Have you spoken to the priest about the logistics? I'd do that first, so you're working with solid info.

Great idea and good compromise. Go for it - and have a fabulous time!

Yes I think this is a great idea. But before firming the date I would call the people who absolutely MUST be there (probably parents, siblings, best mate) and check the date with them in advance to "make sure they'll make the christening as it's so important to you".

I'd also make clear there's food and a party afterwards, which will last until approximately X time. People need to plan food/travel so need to know when they'll be eating and how long the event lasts. They definitely don't need to know what type of event it is though.

Unless there is anyone in your lives who you would really like at your wedding but who you wouldn't invite to a christening?

Loads of people who would travel to a wedding won't do so for a Christening. Have you spoken to the church yet? They might raise an eyebrow about using one ceremony as essentially a cover for another.

Anyone who attends that church will hear your banns read out three weeks in advance and repeated twice.

And the rules for weddings are different. Do you qualify to get married in that church? Anyone can have a Christening, for a wedding you have to have been on the electoral roll or regularly attending or another connection.

I think it sounds like a great idea!

Well, yes. Presumably the OP wasn't intending it to be a surprise to the vicar on tbe day 😆

@DappledThings

Not necessarily.

Excellent idea. I'd definitely do it.

I assume not. But these are potential barriers to the plan she might not have considered that it makes sense to consider before getting carried away with the plan.

Not necessarily what? About the banns?

We had a joint wedding/Christening! We got married first, and then had the Christening. It was lovely. We only had a teeny guest list though - just immediate family, and everyone knew what was happening. Funnily enough, it was the priests idea! I had bumped into him outside the Church and said I was having another baby, and live said "don't you think I should be marrying you before I christen another child?" (It was only our second). So I said fair enough, can you do it all on the same day, and we did. I didn't care about a "wedding", I just wanted to be married.

There is actually wording in the marriage service to bless children, it will be simple to add the baptism BUT church weddings have banns read for 3 weeks prior so cat may get out of the bag if any of your guests attend the church or read the church website

But it will depend a lot on the church - baptisms are always on second or fourth Sundays at midday at my church because that's when we have clergy.

I would tell people the plan, no surprises!

Do what you want and what makes you happy. Nobody else will care either way.

More than one poster has mentioned these banns things? Never heard of them, definitely not a thing in Scotland. Is it England? Or Wales and NI as well?
OP doesn't say where she's from anyway, but presumably will know the rules in her own country.

It's a Church of England thing. I don't know if the OP actually is C of E.

@MajorMischa banns were read in the Church of Scotland until 1977 apparently. Still are in the Church of England.

@DappledThings @shearwater2 @MegMarchHare @MajorMischa

Sorry, should have specified I'm Church of Scotland - so no banns here. And I am eligible to get married in the Church yeah - it's been booked 3 times previously!!

Interestingly here it's the opposite btw - easier to get married than have your child christened, if you have no Church connection!

Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed!

The reasoning behind keeping it a surprise:

• family politics dictate we "have" to invite loads of folk that we hardly see. We did invite them all to DC1s christening and (unsurprisingly) none made the effort to attend - where I think they would for a wedding. So it's a nice natural selection of guests that are actually present in our lives, without the hassle / fall out of not inviting everyone.

• as a follow on from the above, it's much easier to get an after party venue for 100 folk than 200!

• I really don't want any more wedding chat, hens / stags, build up, etc. Done it all more than once and feel it would be a cheek, not to mention I just genuinely don't want the fuss!

• Less expectation. Big traditional families will all expect sit down meal / dancing / favours, the whole shebang "done properly".

I think this is a great idea.