Wedding causing family rift

[Piksi55]

Scenario: blended family. Bit complicated so hope you get the idea. Sorry its long.

My DS#3 getting married in the summer, fiancé has been extremely poorly so he tends to let her have her own way. Wedding is child free. His older brother, DS#2 and partner with one child ( who could go to Mil for the day) will have a 4 month old, so DIL will be feeding.They have been told no children, no exception. DS#2 has told DS#3 it's a stupid rule and he won't be going at all.

SD#1 and partner have decided not to go as only step siblings have been invited to the ceremony but partners are welcome to the evening. It's a fair way from where they live so would be awkward in fairness. SD#2 was going but as her partner doesn't drive and was going to go with SD#1 's partner, he obviously isn't going so SD#2 isn't going either. The reason only step siblings are invited to the ceremony is that DS#3 and fiancé feel they don't have relationships with the partners. This is because the fiancé never attends any family get togethers, only DS#3.

DH, who I get the feeling DS#3's fiancé doesn't particularly like, has now said if none of his DDs are going, nor DS#2 and partner, he isn't going. He is very upset that his DDs partners haven't been included in the whole affair.

I'm piggy in the middle. Not happy with rules either but it's their wedding, they can choose. I just feel that DS#3 isn't having much of a say because he goes along with whatever she chooses. He needs to grow some balls. Do I get involved and tell him what I think? DH says stay out, let them sort it out themselves, but I can see a rift between brothers coming. Is it reasonable for me to just show my face at the wedding, then go?

For context DS#1 has 2 children who i thought DS#3 and fiancé were close to, these children are not invited either, but fiancé has asked 2 children she babysits for to be flower girls. DS#1"s daughter and son would have loved to be doing this.

I guess there isn't a AIBU or AINBU but do I speak to DS#3 and fiancé and tell them their decisions will have consequences or stay out?

[BeaRF75]

Say nothing. Let everyone else sort themselves out. If some of them choose to be petty, so be it. If you want to go, then go.

[Aquamarine1029]

Stay the fuck out of it. It's already a disaster, and getting yourself involved will only bring you grief.

[TheFlis]

Agree with pp, stay out of it. If people want to add rules like that around their wedding they have to accept that some people won’t attend.

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Unless you're paying for a big part of the wedding I would stay out of it. But ask your son how he's feeling.
I would expect your partner to come with you as your date and support though.

[nc42day]

Stay well back.

[DeedlessIndeed]

Your DH is being a bit petty, no?
I'd expect him to be on your side, even if that is piggy in the middle.

[Octavia64]

It's an absolute shit show and will only get worse.

Stay well away!

[Piksi55]

I may have maligned him. He says he always intended to come to support me, he's just not happy about it.

[RampantIvy]

Yes, stay out of it. If the bride(zilla) doesn't want children there she can't expect the parents to be there either, especially if the 4 month old is being breastfed (so it wouldn't be able to go to the MIL for the day anyway. An EBF baby doesn't take to a bottle straight away).

[firstimemumconcerns]

Sounds like it’ll be a shit wedding.

I would get involved to lay out how it’ll be with a “it’s your wedding so I will support you provided it’s your decision” but fuck me, I’d tell my kid to grow the hell up and appreciate his family more. Just stupid.


If you don’t want a wedding to be a familial celebration, go to a registry. Don’t expect everyone to bow down to you because it’s “your day”. It’s selfish and attention seeking.

[vanillawaffle]

Stay out of it. Shame the family is falling apart over what should be a joyous occasion

[Mumdiva99]

How long have you and your partner been together? Did your children all grow up together?
Its shit not to invite family kids to a wedding.....(especially if she actually has other kids there) .....but if your son doesn't want them there......there is nothing you can do. I would just have a diplomatic response you use....'I'm going because its my son getting married. And I have to respect their choices around this wedding...." or something which conveys to your other sons and SD's that you don't agree....

[Scarletttulips]

Who said they were falling out?
It’s not practical for those with children, and who invites baby sat kids and not family?

It’s their day and no doubt this reaction was meant to cause a fuss.

I would stay natural, attend the ceremony and come home.

You’ve shown your son some support without alienating the others.

Their choice: I would let you don know he welcome to come and talk to you about it if he wishes to.

[Maddy70]

Just stay out of it its an impossible situation your son needs to grow some balls tbh

[Thehouseofmarvels]

It's not child free if children she babysits are there ?

[RampantIvy]

It’s their day


I hate this term ^^

I don't think weddings should be a selfish fest for just the bride and groom. They are hosting a celebration, and as such, they need to be considerate towards their guests as well as celebrating their own marriage.

[Autienotnaughtie]

I don't blame step children for not going or his sibling. You need to go and support your son. Ideally with your dh but it's up to him. I wouldn't get involved in the decision making, their wedding, their choice

[mirl]

I have been to plenty of 'childfree' weddings but that never applied to the siblings of the couple marrying. Just the normal guests children. I actually would get involved, just to let him know how disappointing it will be that his own family won't be able to attend and other children will. Then leave it with him and don't mention it again. Give him chance to do the right thing.

I don't think it's fair the fiancé is getting all the blame here though. He's gone along with it too. Presumably he knows why everyone isn't coming? His brother has explained why he doesn't want to leave his wife and newborn baby at home and he's still not getting it.

[Piksi55]

That's another weird thing. They already married a few months ago in the registry office. Noone in the family knows.

[Tiddlywinks63]

@Piksi55

That's another weird thing. They already married a few months ago in the registry office. Noone in the family knows.

What?
In that case surely it’s a blessing service, you cannot get ‘married’ twice as far as I know.

[Harvestfestivalknickers]

If they are already married I wouldn't tie myself up in knots trying to make everyone happy. It sounds a bit crap now, it's hardly 'their day'. It's more of a celebration which they've made really difficult to attend?

[mirl]

So they're just having a party then?

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

Do you like the fiancee? I tried imagining one of my children being unable to have the others at their wedding, and it made me sad. I feel like if my DS had a fiancee who would create this situation and not care that he couldn't then have his own family there, I'd be questioning if she had his best interests at heart and would be a supportive partner

[DarkDarkTimeOfLife]

Is it reasonable for me to just show my face at the wedding, then go?

What kind of message are you hoping to send by showing your face but not staying? I can guarantee the fall out will be huge.

[Thehouseofmarvels]

If they are already married is it not just a party? Can you get married twice ?