Wedding causing family rift

[Piksi55]

Scenario: blended family. Bit complicated so hope you get the idea. Sorry its long.

My DS#3 getting married in the summer, fiancé has been extremely poorly so he tends to let her have her own way. Wedding is child free. His older brother, DS#2 and partner with one child ( who could go to Mil for the day) will have a 4 month old, so DIL will be feeding.They have been told no children, no exception. DS#2 has told DS#3 it's a stupid rule and he won't be going at all.

SD#1 and partner have decided not to go as only step siblings have been invited to the ceremony but partners are welcome to the evening. It's a fair way from where they live so would be awkward in fairness. SD#2 was going but as her partner doesn't drive and was going to go with SD#1 's partner, he obviously isn't going so SD#2 isn't going either. The reason only step siblings are invited to the ceremony is that DS#3 and fiancé feel they don't have relationships with the partners. This is because the fiancé never attends any family get togethers, only DS#3.

DH, who I get the feeling DS#3's fiancé doesn't particularly like, has now said if none of his DDs are going, nor DS#2 and partner, he isn't going. He is very upset that his DDs partners haven't been included in the whole affair.

I'm piggy in the middle. Not happy with rules either but it's their wedding, they can choose. I just feel that DS#3 isn't having much of a say because he goes along with whatever she chooses. He needs to grow some balls. Do I get involved and tell him what I think? DH says stay out, let them sort it out themselves, but I can see a rift between brothers coming. Is it reasonable for me to just show my face at the wedding, then go?

For context DS#1 has 2 children who i thought DS#3 and fiancé were close to, these children are not invited either, but fiancé has asked 2 children she babysits for to be flower girls. DS#1"s daughter and son would have loved to be doing this.

I guess there isn't a AIBU or AINBU but do I speak to DS#3 and fiancé and tell them their decisions will have consequences or stay out?

Weddings have changed so much I'm sure they used to be so much simpler than all this , when I got married we invited all the family including the kids , if parents didn't want to bring their kids that was up to them . That's what all the weddings I went to were like back then .

I would tell wedding son that I was really very disappointed. I would attend the ceremony but I am not sure if I would go to the reception.

I definitely would not contribute financially.

So, it's a party then. Not a wedding.

Even if they are paying, they should still stay out

Op presumably had her wedding. That was the time for her choices

It’s a fake wedding, and frankly the bride sounds very controlling. I predict the marriage won’t last.

I would remind my son that it’s his wedding too and that he gets to make decisions about it aswell.

however you said hey are already married so I wouldnt get too upset about it all.

the bride and groom have really gone out of their way to tell their family that they do not care about their attendance at the wedding. Not inviting a breastfeeding baby is the same as not inviting the mother. Not inviting spouses is just rude.

as the mother of the groom, I would still attend the wedding, but if he tries to ask for any support over declined invites, I would be honest that he created the problem. If he graciously accepts the rsvp of no, then I would bite my tongue

It's entirely their choice how they arrange their wedding and any guest who expects them to arrange it around their own wants is very self centred. Plus extra guests adds further costs. Some people just love spending other people's money.

I'm sure there will be plenty of gatherings in the future where all and sundry can attend.

Yeah especially if they actually want to have some guests

It's up to them but it will have consequences (as in people can't/won't go). It's up to them to decide what is most important to them.

Yes, I have seen cases where it's caused a permanent rift between siblings.