Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Awkward situation

44 replies

weddingwaiting · 02/12/2023 16:50

We have invited a couple to our wedding. He is an usher.

He is the “original” friend and we know her as his partner however since they got together we have socialised with them as a couple often, and I have socialised with her once or twice just us girls and I would have called us friends - I invited her on my hen do.

They have now had a very unpleasant break up. Realistically she is unlikely to stay in the area and, although we like her, I would be surprised if we stayed in touch because of geography and loyalty to the original friend.

Do I need to check whether she is still going to come to our wedding? I probably wouldn’t go to a wedding under similar circumstances but I feel like the hen do is complicating things. It feels really unkind to uninvite her because I like her as a person and she hasn’t done anything to me. However, I really don’t want an awkward atmosphere or any drama at our wedding.

How do I navigate this?

OP posts:
sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 16:53

you drop her a line

sorry to hear about the break up and hope all ok your end.

I don’t want to cause any pain by being insensitive but was just wondering if you were planning to attend the wedding still? of course you’d be most welcome but would completely understand if you’d rather not

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 02/12/2023 16:55

I’d let her decide wether she wants to attend or not.

Neolara · 02/12/2023 16:56

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 16:53

you drop her a line

sorry to hear about the break up and hope all ok your end.

I don’t want to cause any pain by being insensitive but was just wondering if you were planning to attend the wedding still? of course you’d be most welcome but would completely understand if you’d rather not

This is perfect.

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/12/2023 16:58

Unless your wedding is before Christmas you do nothing at all.

As she's a friend checking she's ok is more important than a potentially missing guest from your wedding.

Original poster
weddingwaiting · 02/12/2023 17:11

@DisforDarkChocolate I’m not planning to address it until January when the dust has settled. We need our final numbers by mid Jan.

I’m not worried about having a missing guest - I’m worried about drama by having them both there.

OP posts:
sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 17:20

weddingwaiting · 02/12/2023 17:11

@DisforDarkChocolate I’m not planning to address it until January when the dust has settled. We need our final numbers by mid Jan.

I’m not worried about having a missing guest - I’m worried about drama by having them both there.

how old are they?

I can’t imagine anyone at my wedding irrespective of a relationship breaking down even possibly spoiling it due to their drama. They are guests at my wedding because we love / very much like each other and i trust them!

Original poster
weddingwaiting · 02/12/2023 17:22

@sugarandsweetener everybody is 29-31

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 02/12/2023 17:26

When is the actual wedding?

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 17:27

weddingwaiting · 02/12/2023 17:22

@sugarandsweetener everybody is 29-31

and you think there is a possibility your usher and or this woman will kick off? really?

Original poster
weddingwaiting · 02/12/2023 17:29

@DelphiniumBlue wedding is in February

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 02/12/2023 17:34

So had she already confirmed?
I think you’re right to wait till January, then just before you need to know numbers, email her as suggested.
If the hen party is well before the wedding, you’ll get an idea then.

Original poster
weddingwaiting · 02/12/2023 17:35

@DelphiniumBlue the invitation was addressed to them as a couple. Strictly speaking they haven’t responded because “John is an usher, we thought we didn’t need to it was obvious we’d be coming”

OP posts:
lilluce95 · 02/12/2023 17:43

I have been the girl in this situation and I'm still attending my friends wedding next year regardless of the fact my ex will be there. Your wedding is about you at the end of the day ❤️ I'm 28 for context too!

Original poster
weddingwaiting · 02/12/2023 17:49

@lilluce95 are you still friends with the bride outside of your relationship with your ex partner?

I’m not sure how realistic it is that we will stay friends. She will be moving away.

OP posts:
lilluce95 · 02/12/2023 19:21

@weddingwaiting I am yeah! Although I didn't move away so I suppose that is a bit of a different situation x

Original poster
weddingwaiting · 02/12/2023 23:02

@lilluce95 yes she won’t live around here anymore so it’s highly unlikely we will stay in contact.

The break up has also been really unpleasant and horrible which makes things tricky as well.

OP posts:
lilluce95 · 03/12/2023 08:01

@weddingwaiting when is your wedding? I really hope things work out well for you guys x

Original poster
weddingwaiting · 03/12/2023 08:57

@lilluce95 the wedding is in Feb.

Its even more uncomfortable now because we saw our usher last night and he is saying he really doesn’t want her to come, or to have to ever see her again 😳

OP posts:
sugarandsweetener · 03/12/2023 09:31

you don’t want her to come to your wedding due to concerns about drama

so your op should have been

“should i disinvite her now or wait until when i have a deadline to confirm guests? and how should i word the dis invite”

rather than all this back and forth!

Original poster
weddingwaiting · 03/12/2023 15:40

@sugarandsweetener yes maybe you are right but I have been trying to work out how I feel about it all. When I first found out about their break up I was on the fence however time has now passed and I have spoken more to our original friend which has made it clearer that an ongoing friendship with her is likely untenable

OP posts:
sugarandsweetener · 03/12/2023 16:04

weddingwaiting · 03/12/2023 15:40

@sugarandsweetener yes maybe you are right but I have been trying to work out how I feel about it all. When I first found out about their break up I was on the fence however time has now passed and I have spoken more to our original friend which has made it clearer that an ongoing friendship with her is likely untenable

finally! it was very obvious from your posts

in that case

“sorry to hear what happened and hope that you’re happy and settled in new area. Will be a shame not to see you at the wedding but all the best for the future x “

Original poster
weddingwaiting · 11/12/2023 20:08

I’ve been mulling this over for the last week and I’ve decided that next week when she is settled in her new house I will message her and say I’ve assumed she isn’t coming because it’s awkward and I think it’s for the best however the hen do is up to her, she would still be welcome although she can have her money back if she doesn’t want to come

OP posts:
Springcleaninginsummer · 11/12/2023 20:12

I think you need to make it more definite so she knows that you intend for her not to attend.

Mystro202 · 11/12/2023 20:19

Gosh I don't think it would be nice of you to uninvite her. That just seems unnecessarily mean. He is probably still angry or annoyed at her. I'm sure by Feb they will be able to stay civil for a day. Imagine if they got back together in the future, it could make things very awkward down the line.

salamirose · 11/12/2023 20:21

You check in with her. As a friend. Nothing to do with your wedding. Then in January you ask her