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Original poster

How to let down future MIL when she wants a do and we don't

37 replies

StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 11:59

My partner and I are getting a civil partnership after 37 years of being together, for legal reasons. My partners mother is pushing for a larger registry office do plus a reception afterwards.

I have no family at all on my side, and only one friend who is not also a friend of my partner. He has a large-ish family which he sees very occasionally.

We were the witnesses at our friends' civil partnership about six months ago. It was just the four of us: we all wore casual clothes, and we acted as their witnesses. Afterwards we had coffee and brunch in a local restaurant, it was only about 10:30, so none of us were drinking!

This would be my ideal, and my partner feels the same way, but we are being pressured to have more people at the registry office and some sort of party afterwards.

Do we have any wiggle room here? Peoples' feelings are going to get hurt, aren't they?

OP posts:
Antst · 15/10/2023 12:07

Honestly, I don't think you should worry. If you approach it as though she SHOULD be upset, she is more likely to be.

Anyway, this is your partner's mother, so it's his job to have difficult conversations with her!

I'd get him to say what you said here: "we're going to have a very small ceremony." Note the complete absence of uncertainty, which will invite discussion.

If she says anything to you, thank her for her enthusiasm or tell her it's so nice to have her support for your marriage. Then say you are going to have a very small celebration.

Uncooperativefingers · 15/10/2023 12:10

Honestly, first rule of wedding planning is that someone will be upset with any choice you make to some degree.

With this choice, either your mil is upset as she wants a party or you are upset because you don't get the wedding day you want.

Do the wedding your way

Original poster
StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 12:11

Thank you, this is very helpful! You're right, our approach has been characterised by anxiety over hurting her feelings, and we should just be telling her what we will be doing.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 15/10/2023 12:12

your wedding, your rules! go and just get married with your witnesses there! remember the COL at the moment!

AnnaMagnani · 15/10/2023 12:13

Just be very clear about your plans and that they aren't changing even if offered money.

My MIL wanted us to have a bigger venue so more of her family could go: just on immediate family it was 1 person my side, 8 his side, so that was a no.

She also wanted a church wedding despite DH being a strong atheist and her being well aware of this. Even at the wedding she piped up 'You could have a blessing?!' and we had to make clear this was missing the point.

Honestly I found weddings are something everyone has an opinion on and they all believe that opinion is the only correct one. A lot of feelings did get hurt but everyone was over it (or at least pretended to be) on the day.

Original poster
StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 12:14

2jacqi · 15/10/2023 12:12

your wedding, your rules! go and just get married with your witnesses there! remember the COL at the moment!

What is COL?!

OP posts:
isthesolution · 15/10/2023 12:15

This is what we are doing. End of.

Maybe say 'if you'd like to celebrate with us we could go out for a meal on <date>'

Neekoh · 15/10/2023 12:15

We just went ahead and did it without telling anyone beforehand. The two of us and two witnesses (our children).

That is the only way to avoid all the hassle.

Totaly · 15/10/2023 12:15

Wow, after 37 years, it’s impressive you still want a marriage!! I applaud you!

Do what you feel is right, I prefer relaxed get togethers. Maybe make her feel special and included another way? Bridesmaids? Speech? In charge something? Keep her busy! And lots of thanks you.

plumtreebroke · 15/10/2023 12:16

Perhaps you could go out for a meal with MIL (and some of the family maybe) the next day or on the next Saturday or something, just so they can celebrate a bit with you, while you get your day your way.

Blough · 15/10/2023 12:16

Why are people writing ‘marriage’? The whole point of a civil partnership is that it’s not a marriage.
You’ve been together almost 40yrs, just laugh and say no thanks, can’t imagine much worse ways to waste money than throwing a reception, we’re really happy with our plans.

Original poster
StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 12:17

I'm glad I posted about this: I had felt a bit foolish about it because I usually read threads like this thinking "Why is everybody tiptoeing around x when they should be just doing it their way?"

When it's happening to you, it's not so easy!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/10/2023 12:19

TBH I'd be clear;

We aren't getting married, we are getting CP'd for inheritance and insurance purposes. We are only having witnesses because we have to and paying for their brunch as a thank you for their time.

CrapBucket · 15/10/2023 12:19

You’ve been together 37 years so you are probably mid 50s at the youngest. Imo that’s far too old to be needing parental approval for your plans!!

Original poster
StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 12:19

Blough · 15/10/2023 12:16

Why are people writing ‘marriage’? The whole point of a civil partnership is that it’s not a marriage.
You’ve been together almost 40yrs, just laugh and say no thanks, can’t imagine much worse ways to waste money than throwing a reception, we’re really happy with our plans.

Well to be fair I did post on the Wedding thread. I didn't see one for Civil Partnerships!

OP posts:
Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 15/10/2023 12:20

OP, we have the same plan and have been together almost the same time as you and your partner. The ceremony is for admin reasons, it's not a celebration or a Special Day, it's to make matters less complicated if one of us suddenly drops dead.

We've told a few people the plan, which is that we're not dressing up, we're having two witnesses and then going for lunch. Most have said 'Fair enough' but a few people are telling me that I should wear a dress, organise a party and have a ring and I have to keep saying 'No'.

It's very weird, but stick to your guns and have the ceremony the way you want it to be.

Original poster
StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 12:21

CrapBucket · 15/10/2023 12:19

You’ve been together 37 years so you are probably mid 50s at the youngest. Imo that’s far too old to be needing parental approval for your plans!!

It's not approval it's just an unwillingness to upset a perfectly nice but somewhat pushy woman! I like her, after all.

OP posts:
VineRipened · 15/10/2023 12:22

I wouldn’t have told them at all, and just gone and done it.

The legal and financial basis of your relationship is none of their business unless you choose it to be.

Neekoh · 15/10/2023 12:23

She will be upset whatever you do - that's why it makes more sense to do the things that causes the least stress and hassle.

SallyWD · 15/10/2023 12:25

Just do what you want! We had a registry office wedding with only 2 witnesses and it was perfect for us. Other people like big dos and that's fine for them. You can't create the perfect wedding for your MIL.

Inkpotlover · 15/10/2023 12:25

Technically/legally she's not actually going to be your MIL after the civil partnership so there's even less reason to do what she wants! Enjoy your special day. x

Olika · 15/10/2023 12:28

Just do what you two want to do. Someone is always unhappy.

Flossflower · 15/10/2023 12:28

You could still do it on your own, without telling anyone except the witnesses. Let them think it is in the future. The whole think about a civil partnership is that it isn’t a wedding, more like a trip to the solicitors office to sign off financial agreements.

happylittlesloth · 15/10/2023 12:29

Plan it. Invite her. If she's upset acknowledge the upset but do not change your plan

SisterMichaelsHabit · 15/10/2023 12:31

Look just stop telling her your plans, stop engaging with her on this topic, sort out what you want to do and then either send her an invite or don't send her an invite depending on whether your final plans include something requiring people to be invited or not. And if you are sending invites, make sure not to send her the invite until about 3 weeks before the thing so she has limited opportunity to interfere or try and make you change your mind.