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Original poster

How to let down future MIL when she wants a do and we don't

37 replies

StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 11:59

My partner and I are getting a civil partnership after 37 years of being together, for legal reasons. My partners mother is pushing for a larger registry office do plus a reception afterwards.

I have no family at all on my side, and only one friend who is not also a friend of my partner. He has a large-ish family which he sees very occasionally.

We were the witnesses at our friends' civil partnership about six months ago. It was just the four of us: we all wore casual clothes, and we acted as their witnesses. Afterwards we had coffee and brunch in a local restaurant, it was only about 10:30, so none of us were drinking!

This would be my ideal, and my partner feels the same way, but we are being pressured to have more people at the registry office and some sort of party afterwards.

Do we have any wiggle room here? Peoples' feelings are going to get hurt, aren't they?

OP posts:
NineteenOhEight · 15/10/2023 12:33

Antst · 15/10/2023 12:07

Honestly, I don't think you should worry. If you approach it as though she SHOULD be upset, she is more likely to be.

Anyway, this is your partner's mother, so it's his job to have difficult conversations with her!

I'd get him to say what you said here: "we're going to have a very small ceremony." Note the complete absence of uncertainty, which will invite discussion.

If she says anything to you, thank her for her enthusiasm or tell her it's so nice to have her support for your marriage. Then say you are going to have a very small celebration.

This. We made it very clear that having a big wedding had never been something we considered, so anything other than what we did had never been on the table. I enjoy other people’s weddings, and DH’s family are total party animals and like nothing better than getting on their glad rags for a big wedding, but I never contemplated doing it myself, and DH agreed. We didn’t behave as if we were doing anything out of the ordinary by having a lunch after a tiny register office ceremony, and gave no one space to be upset. If DH’s parents had voiced upsetness, it would have been his job to deal with that.

muddyford · 15/10/2023 12:35

Presumably she had the wedding she chose. You have what you two want.

Pr0fessionalLurker · 15/10/2023 12:36

Just do what you want, OP. You will always make someone unhappy, no matter what you do or what changes you make.

We wanted what you had but were talked into slightly bigger as FIL would be upset without a do of some sort. So we made concessions for what he wanted and in the end he didn't even come.

saraclara · 15/10/2023 12:40

Absolutely have the ceremony you want. But at the same time maybe recognise that she sees this as a happy event to be celebrated? When you or DH take to her again, do let her know that you're touched that she's wanting to celebrate you.

However practical a decision you see it as, she's essentially happy for you. So I'm with the pp who suggested that you have a celebratory meal out the next day.

Gymmum82 · 15/10/2023 12:41

My mum wanted me to have the big white wedding. We eloped and didn’t tell her we were getting married.
I knew she’d be upset and she called me selfish. But if you can’t be selfish over your own wedding when can you eh?

All is forgiven now. I’m sure she’ll get over it. Just do what you want to do

Pandora55 · 15/10/2023 12:41

We just told everyone after we had our register office wedding. Pissed a few people off but it's what we wanted. It was purely for legal reasons etc. we've been together nearly 30 years and refer to each other as husband/wife anyway. It was just the piece of paper we needed.

2jacqi · 15/10/2023 12:47

StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 12:14

What is COL?!

Show quote history

Cost of living!

Jericha · 15/10/2023 12:58

Please do what you and your partner want. I didn't want a fuss but gave in as our families wanted it. Spunked a load of money that could've been 2 x fabulous holidays or a new kitchen despite doing it as cheap and DIY as possible for a cookie cutter day that I ended up arranging on my own. I wish I had the confidence back then to put my foot down. I love being married, ambivalent over the day itself. Wish we had the holidays and did what you are planning.

Original poster
StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 13:47

Inkpotlover · 15/10/2023 12:25

Technically/legally she's not actually going to be your MIL after the civil partnership so there's even less reason to do what she wants! Enjoy your special day. x

Bwahahaha! Yes I suppose you're right!

OP posts:
Original poster
StoatofDisarray · 15/10/2023 13:49

SisterMichaelsHabit · 15/10/2023 12:31

Look just stop telling her your plans, stop engaging with her on this topic, sort out what you want to do and then either send her an invite or don't send her an invite depending on whether your final plans include something requiring people to be invited or not. And if you are sending invites, make sure not to send her the invite until about 3 weeks before the thing so she has limited opportunity to interfere or try and make you change your mind.

We haven't been! We told her right back at the start pre-covid when we planned a small reception. The covid happened and we had to cancel as it was during lockdown and we were relieved, tbh. Since then, it has come up very occasionally and this round was set off because my partner's niece got married last weekend. I guess it's got her wondering again.

We haven't included anyone in any actual planning at any stage!

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 15/10/2023 13:52

Lots of people are perfectly nice but go totally batshit over weddings.

All of our friends/relatives are nice people but we had pushback on:

Presence or absence of stag and hen dos
Guest list
Venue - both size and not being a church
What dress I should wear
What food we should serve
What music we should choose
Presence or absence of evening do
Readings and who should do them
And on and on and on...

You are grown people in your 50s, just do what you like and make it clear you expect people to be pleased for you. Everyone I promise will get over it.

declutteringmymind · 15/10/2023 17:03

Ask her to host a celebration dinner or something. That's what I reckon I will have to do.

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