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Original poster

Is it bad that I'm disappointed 😞?

34 replies

Apple55 · 30/08/2023 15:46

Son and his fiancée were due to get married next year and wedding has been booked for over a year. Venue and vendors all booked and deposits paid. Wedding and bridesmaids dresses bought. Venue requires a minimum of 80 guests and ds and df have signed a contract. Ceremony was also due to take place in venue. Son rang me today and said although they still want to get married, they no longer want the big wedding as they are too anxious about being the centre of attention. Money is tight for them, and we were already paying for reception but I offered to pay for the rest of wedding. He says they want to change to a smaller venue and just have about 5 people at the ceremony and a party at night. They're coming over at weekend to discuss options. I can't help but be disappointed as he is my only child who will likely get married and I was really looking forward to it. There are very few venues nearby which could cater for small numbers and will probably cost just as much due to lost deposits.To be honest I've lost interest in helping them plan. I feel so deflated but I don't want there to be any discord between us. I know I'm being selfish as it's their wedding not mine, but I can't seem to help myself.

OP posts:
VeronicaMars2023 · 30/08/2023 15:51

It’s ok to be disappointed. It’s not ok to express this to DS and attempt change to his mind. It’s his wedding, not yours. The fact that you’re paying for part of it, and have offered to pay for more is irrelevant.

Chise your words and actions wisely here. What he’ll remember in years to come isn’t details about the day, it’s whether the t not you supported him, or made a difficult decision harder for him.

Gowlett · 30/08/2023 15:53

Och, that is disappointing… Seems like a totally different sort of wedding. I think they weee probably getting stressed out with planning (and escalating costs). But, if lots of the things are already bought, then I agree it will cost just as much to change tack.
A wedding is essentially project management. There are so many moving parts (and people!). I did their second option, myself. It was alway the plan though. My friends all had big traditional weddings, and I knew that wasn’t for us. And our parents weren’t bothered.
But I wouldn’t have wanted to upset them, either…

museumum · 30/08/2023 15:53

We really didn’t want the big ceremony for similar reasons so we had a registry office wedding with close family and party after. Maybe the booked venue could be changed to more of a party? Or even have a private ceremony somewhere in the grounds or a separate room?

Phos · 30/08/2023 15:59

Sorry to read this OP.

I think you're fine to feel the way you do really and I would be the same.

They've messed you around by letting you cover a lot of expenses and now changing their minds, why on earth didn't they say something sooner. I don't think they fact you're paying for it IS irrelevant in this case - given you'll now be out of pocket.

Original poster
Apple55 · 30/08/2023 16:00

Thanks for your input. I was actually surprised that they had opted for the big wedding to begin with but son's fiancée fell in love with the venue and thought they would compromise so they could have it. She has very few family members and I think also the thought that a lot of people at the wedding will be from our family makes her feel a little sad.

OP posts:
Peakypolly · 30/08/2023 16:01

I identify with this for exactly the opposite reasons. My DC is having a huge (imo 120+ guests) wedding, exorbitant bachelor/ette and expensive dining/drinks.It all seems all about the 'party' and not much about the marriage.
I think it goes to show that we are all different and it is down to the couple to decide. Like you I'm trying to hide my disappointment.

thecatinthetwat · 30/08/2023 16:07

It ok to be disappointed op, get it out before you see them.

fwiw, my friend felt the way this couple do and opted to elope without any guests at all. At least you’ll be there on their special day op.

GoodnightJude1 · 30/08/2023 16:12

I totally understand why you’d be disappointed OP….and that’s ok! Just try not to show it when you see them.
A small, intimate wedding can be just as perfect and if that’s truly what they want then it’ll be even more perfect for them. And who could ask for more than to see your child happy?

TenderDandelions · 30/08/2023 16:27

Apple55 · 30/08/2023 16:00

Thanks for your input. I was actually surprised that they had opted for the big wedding to begin with but son's fiancée fell in love with the venue and thought they would compromise so they could have it. She has very few family members and I think also the thought that a lot of people at the wedding will be from our family makes her feel a little sad.

If she loves the venue, do they have another room that could be used for a smaller service and meal? My wedding venue sounds similar to what they've booked now, but it did have a small, yet still beautiful, room that they used for smaller services.

It is difficult with the lost deposit money, but it's better to lose an amount of money now, than end up hating their wedding day that's cost even more. It'll be an expensive small wedding, but a wedding all the same.

As a PP said, it's OK to be disappointed that it's not what you envisioned, but it doesn't sound like the full blown wedding is what they would enjoy, which is most important. Be supportive and help them plan something that they'll be happy with.

I look back at my wedding and think it was honestly the best day of my life. Marrying the man I love and then having a good old knees up afterwards. My wedding wouldn't suit everyone, but everyone should come away from their wedding day thinking how brilliant it was and how it suited them perfectly.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 16:30

These thing happen, try to take a step back and leave it to them, they obviously have changed their minds so not much you can do but try to be supportive even if you are understandably upset, this is their day, you want them to be happy over anything else.

Original poster
Apple55 · 30/08/2023 16:31

Yeah thanks everyone. I think my pride is a little hurt. Son's fiancée has talked non stop about wedding details to everyone who would listen and a lot of family and friends were also getting excited and some have rooms booked at the venue already. I feel embarrassed about telling them even though I know that I shouldn't care and am worried that they think we were procrastinating and can't actually afford the wedding.

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 30/08/2023 16:41

My best friend and his fiancee have just done exactly the same thing. She's always suffered from anxiety, and neither of them particularly like being the centre of attention.

When he told me they were downsizing it massively I asked him why they'd decided on the big wedding in the first place, and he said it was family pressure. His brother and sister had both done big family weddings, and it was just kind of expected by his parents that they'd do the same. He'd tried to make his family happy, but at the expense of what they actually wanted to do and the pair of them started dreading the thought of their own wedding day.

Your son has probably done the same, tried to make you happy and as the planning has gone on realised he just can't do it. Nothing you can do about it now, but just be supportive of what they want to do, after all, it's their wedding, not yours.

Beautiful3 · 30/08/2023 16:44

Can you work out how much you'll lose, and explain that to them. Perhaps they can pay the difference? Tell them that people have already paid for rooms there too.

JorisBonson · 30/08/2023 16:51

You can rightly feel however you feel but please don't try to persuade them to have a day they don't want. I had similar with my first wedding and hated every minute of it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/08/2023 16:55

If the deposits are paid can they adapt the day and use the same venue?

Bethanbee · 30/08/2023 16:58

They have wasted some of your money, just thrown it away on nothing. I wouldn't give them anymore for the wedding. They obviously have money to burn. If I had any more earmarked for them I would keep it until after the wedding and give it to them to help with housing costs.

DiaNaranja · 30/08/2023 17:01

I completely understand that they don't want a big wedding, and all the fuss and organisation that comes with, and that's entirely up to them. Me and DH has an elopement wedding with just our parents there as we didn't want all the drama and stress of a big traditional wedding. BUT, I made it clear from the moment we started planning that's what we wanted, so it didn't come as a shock or surprise, which I can imagine this has been for you. To suddenly do a U turn on the plans that it sounds like they've been happy to let you contribute towards. I bet they'd just grin and bear it if they'd spent all their own money so far. So I completely get why you're disappointed, but equally it is their day, and they are justified to do it how they please. Just a shame they've almost led you on in a way, with planning for the big wedding. So yes I understand why this has upset you, but try to not let your feelings get the better of you, as it is really just one day, and the outcome will be the same.

Original poster
Apple55 · 30/08/2023 17:08

@DisforDarkChocolate unfortunately the wedding contract is very specific that minimum numbers of 80 are required for the sit down meal. The hotel also told my son that the contract was for the full day and not just the evening. He is already booked for the smallest room in the venue.

OP posts:
Sureaseggs44 · 30/08/2023 17:10

I agree with looking at scaling down at the same venue . My daughter went to a wedding where they had no seating plan no head table and no speeches and just catering vans outside . She said it was great . So relaxed . Perhaps that might work then they might not feel so much pressure and the venue might transfer the money over ?

Smartiepants79 · 30/08/2023 17:10

They’ve really messed you about haven’t they? I’d be both disappointed and cross if I was you.
If anyone ends up out of pocket because of their dithering about then they should be sorting it.
Get them to explain it to other people as well.
They can can have whatever wedding they want but if they’re old enough to get married they’re old enough to deal with the consequences of wrong choices.
Lots of people are probably going to come along at tell me how mean I am but you just shouldn’t mess people around like this without making sure you tried to put it right.

CateringPanic · 30/08/2023 17:23

I think there are two issues here:

Disappointment in the lack of big wedding: I understand why you would feel this way. My mum would feel similar and my auntie definitely did when my cousin got married. You have to go along with the wedding the couple want.

Disappointment that they have messed you around and spend your money. My parents would be furious

Whataretheodds · 30/08/2023 17:50

VeronicaMars2023 · 30/08/2023 15:51

It’s ok to be disappointed. It’s not ok to express this to DS and attempt change to his mind. It’s his wedding, not yours. The fact that you’re paying for part of it, and have offered to pay for more is irrelevant.

Chise your words and actions wisely here. What he’ll remember in years to come isn’t details about the day, it’s whether the t not you supported him, or made a difficult decision harder for him.

Edited

Nailed it

TropicalTrama · 30/08/2023 17:56

It’s fine for them to want a small wedding. What’s absolutely not ok is to have let you pay deposits for things and for friends and family to book rooms at this venue. I seriously hope they’re planning on reimbursing everyone for the money they’ve wasted with their indecisiveness. If you or anyone else is left out of pocket then I would be furious. If they’re mature enough to get married then they should be mature enough to deal with consequences of changing their mind.

Whataretheodds · 30/08/2023 17:57

I feel embarrassed about telling them even though I know that I shouldn't care and am worried that they think we were procrastinating and can't actually afford the wedding

I know it's hard, this is natural, but ultimately those who matter don't mind and those who mind to matter.

CPLawyer · 30/08/2023 18:02

OP I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to be disappointed. I am sorry if I'm being unreasonable but I do think it's really unfair and selfish of your son and his partner to essentially throw away your money like this. I do wonder whether they would have made the same decision had they have been the ones to lose money. I wouldn't be able to do that to my parents knowing that they had invested in the event both emotionally, physically and financially. Maybe I'm just a sheep 🤣