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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

38 replies

CleverLilViper · 26/08/2023 19:21

It's my DB's wedding in a couple of months, and I'm part of the bridal party. I'm very happy and excited to be part of the wedding as a bridesmaid.

From the very start of the wedding planning, it was made clear to the bridesmaids (me and one other) that it was optional if we wanted to get our hair and make-up professionally done on the day. It wasn't a requirement or expectation. For both, it's around £130, for reference.

There's also the option of staying at the hotel for two nights-the night before the wedding and the night of the wedding. In total including hair and make-up, it's nearing £500.

The other bridesmaid has dropped out of all of it-hair and make-up, and the hotel, citing financial reasons. She will still be a bridesmaid and all of that-just not stay over or get her hair and make-up professionally done.

My DB told me about it and it resulted in a heated conversation with me defending the other bridesmaid. My view is that times are tight right now for many people, and spending close to £500 on a wedding just isn't within many people's budgets.

His view is that it's their big day, and if people want to be a part of it, they should be willing to spend that and if not, then they just shouldn't bother.

This has left me in a predicament because I've been looking at my own finances and thinking if I can afford the hair and make-up as well. I'm just about able to cover the cost of the hotel-but with factoring in food and drinks (for the first night and drinks for the wedding) and the cost of wedding gift/money-it's putting me in a bit of a bind.

Now I feel like it'll be WW3 if I opt out of the hair and make-up and choose to do both myself because he sees it as some sign that we all don't care about their big day when that's not the case.

My opinion is that this was all an expectation/requirement-then that should have been communicated right from the start-rather than complaining when people treat it like the option that it was presented as being.

I feel like the financial pressure is taking away the excitement about the day, if I'm honest. I absolutely want them both to have the best day and to support them in doing that-but part of me just wants the whole thing over and done with. That feels nasty-but it just feels like my DB expects people to magic money out of thin air to do as they want because it's their big day and ignores the cost of living crisis and the fact that everyone has their own shit going on as well.

But I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
NotAsAnonymousAsYouThinkYouAre · 26/08/2023 19:24

His view is that it's their big day, and if people want to be a part of it, they should be willing to spend that and if not, then they just shouldn't bother.

What a shitty view to have.
YANBU.
WTH wants to get into debt for someone else’s wedding day?!

CornishGem1975 · 26/08/2023 19:25

He's being a twunt.

Idunno8 · 26/08/2023 19:25

The bride would always pay for this stuff so if she’s not, its because she can’t afford it. It would be very unreasonable of her to get upset because others can’t afford it! Just do your own

heldinadream · 26/08/2023 19:26

No you're not being unreasonable at all! Seriously these excessive expectations of what people can spend on other people's weddings have got way, way out of hand.
I'd encourage you to be honest about not being able to afford it. Their future happiness does not depend on your hairdo at the wedding, does it?

Witchbitch20 · 26/08/2023 19:30

If it’s a requirement it should be factored into the cost of the wedding and paid for by the wedding budget.

Also, even for a wedding those costs are ridiculous!

Original poster
CleverLilViper · 26/08/2023 19:41

Thank you all so much.

It's very reassuring to read these responses. I haven't been part of many weddings so I wasn't sure what kind of expectations are normal and if I was completely off. It's good to know that I'm not.

OP posts:
inloveandmarried · 26/08/2023 20:07

The bride covers the cost her bridesmaid's dresses, flowers, hair, make up, shoes and a gift to thank them.......

Has this changed in recent years.

Goodness.

Candleabra · 26/08/2023 20:10

What an idiot (him not you)
£500 is huge, and I wouldn’t be spending any money on hair and makeup anyway as I always hate the caked on wedding makeup look.
If people have these expectations they should make it clear from the start. I hope they’re not expecting you to buy your own dress too!

Alexis7890 · 26/08/2023 20:11

I paid for hair and make up for my bridesmaids for my wedding 2 years ago, didn’t occur to me not to. I also would have paid for them if I wanted them to stay over the night before. All they paid for was the hotel room the night of the wedding itself, but I wouldn’t have been offended if they’d said no and gone home. If it is important to the wedding, the bride and groom pay, if they don’t want to pay then they can’t complain if people don’t do it

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/08/2023 20:12

It’s so easy to spend other people’s money!

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 26/08/2023 20:13

If your db wants you like a Vogue model he can pay...

Hiddenvoice · 26/08/2023 20:16

Usually the bride would cover the cost of hair and make up and then the bridesmaids would cover the cost of the hotel room. For my wedding I paid for the e night before as it was easier to have us all together but gave them a choice if they wanted to book their own hotel room for the night of the wedding or head home. Our venue also had a discount available for all wedding guests.

I think your db is forgetting how much money that is as he’s only thinking of the amount he’s spending. £500 is an awful lot. Yes it’s an important day but it’s not your wedding or the other bridesmaid so that’s asking a lot of you both.

Leovaldie · 26/08/2023 20:16

The bride normally always pays for hair and make-up for bridesmaids. Once I had to buy my own shoes but I wasn't told what to buy. And if she wants you to stay the night before the wedding I think she should pay for that too.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 26/08/2023 21:36

Show him this thread, I BEG YOU!

HamishTheCamel · 26/08/2023 21:42

I'd also expect the bridesmaids' hair and make up to be paid for by the couple. If you're paying then it's your choice whether to have it or do it yourself. But do make it clear to your brother, as the bride has probably already booked it.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 26/08/2023 21:47

I recently refused to be a bridesmaid due to the expectation of paying for my own dress, shoes, bag, hair and make up. Also I was expected to pay for my own meal at the reception.
Thanks - but no thanks.
It’s cheeky and unreasonable.

Restinggoddess · 26/08/2023 21:52

Bride pays for this

I wonder how much he has spent on other people’s weddings????
Stand your ground - the day will not crumble if your eyeshadow is not professional or your hair is how you style it

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 26/08/2023 21:55

It’s his special day and if he wants people to be part of it HE should pay…or let them do it themselves.
What is wrong with people and their expensive wedding bullshit!

FasciaDreams · 26/08/2023 21:58

You're not wrong, I'm getting married and covering everything! Bar dress because my BM's insisted on paying but I let them choose whatever just giving a colour. Was fully prepared to pay though.

PieonaBarm · 26/08/2023 22:01

I paid for everything for my bridesmaids, dress, shoes, bag, hair, makeup, perfume, hotel and food the night before. Had I not been getting married there would not have been any expense and it was unfair of me to ask them to pay, though they did offer for accessories, hotel and food.

Your DB is BU

yikesanotherbooboo · 26/08/2023 23:06

DB is BU.
Bridesmaids should not be out of pocket.

UsingChangeofName · 26/08/2023 23:38

Of course YANBU.

Firstly, it was established early on that it was up to the 2 of you if you wanted to pay out ridiculous money to have someone put your makeup on, so it had already been made optional, and secondly, if the couple were insisting on X or Y, then that becomes part of their wedding costs.

I would expect bridesmaids to arrive on the morning to spend a bit of time with the bride before the wedding (who I would also expect to turn up on the morning).

UndercoverCop · 26/08/2023 23:45

I'm in the bridal party for a wedding soon, we've been asked to stay the night before because the bride and groom are providing a nice dinner for the bridal party (we pay for our heavily discounted room), they are paying for all of our outfits, DH is a groomsman and DS a page boy, and my hair and make up. So I am more than happy to pay for the hotel for two nights. One of the bridesmaids has 4 children one who has SEN so won't be there the night before and won't be staying the night of the wedding, the bride and groom have asked her what they can do to make things easier for her and offered to pay for her rooms (her issues aren't really mainly about the money, more the needs of her DC so she declined), they are more than happy to accommodate her and her family in anyway so she can be there, and if she really can't they understand that too.
To me that's the way it should be.

Deathbyfluffy · 26/08/2023 23:47

Idunno8 · 26/08/2023 19:25

The bride would always pay for this stuff so if she’s not, its because she can’t afford it. It would be very unreasonable of her to get upset because others can’t afford it! Just do your own

This

DennySaid · 26/08/2023 23:56

If I’m required to get hair and make-up done as a bridesmaid am blimmin’ well not going to pay for it myself - though I’d be equally happy to do my own, and don’t think bride is required to provide, even if MUA / hairdresser is present.

I’d pay for own hotel room in a location of my choice (bride can pay if making specific hotel ask, esp if expensive), but expect to be there first thing before wedding unless extremely good reason why not.

Bride pays for dress, I would expect to buy own shoes to a fairly general brief. So I guess what I’m saying is: attending a wedding adds up a bit but I wouldn’t expect being a BM to add to the cost much if at all.

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