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Original poster

£ etiquette for hen do

30 replies

TheRowdy3 · 01/05/2023 13:53

I am shocked by mounting costs. Is the current etiquette that the bride to be does not pay or contribute anything?

Love the bride, totally happy to pay for my contribution for accomodation and travel costs. This is one of three hens the hen has organised.

I feel for the people trying to organising fun times, I just cannot afford the escalating costs. My budget is obviously different to theirs.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 14:10

Why is she not paying?Free for bride?that’s not etiquette that’s taking the piss
and if you all cough up you’re daft for acquiescing to it
if she’s a friend have a cordial and frank conversation about finances

Gymmum82 · 01/05/2023 14:11

Normally the hens cover the brides cost. But it’s not normal to have 3 hen parties. If it’s not in your budget just decline

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 14:16

I’ve never paid for the bride hen do, they pay too. How is that a rule that folk tolerate

AHugeTinyMistake · 01/05/2023 14:21

I've chipped in for the bride along with other hens on more low key dos - meal out and drinks locally, party at the bride's house etc

But I wouldn't for anything involving travel or expensive activities, spa weekends, that sort of thing. I think that's out of order tbh.

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 14:27

Ok,a regular meal at a restaurant with group female friends we all paid for bride. Yes
Paying for an actual hen do for bride eg accommodation,events,food,drink. NO the bride paid her share too

WeWereInParis · 01/05/2023 14:29

I don't think it's that bad to cover the bride's cost (I didn't have a hen do when I got married so I'm not just defending myself here!) provided the hen do isn't ridiculous. But three hen dos is definitely taking the piss in terms of asking people to pay.

BubziOwl · 01/05/2023 14:32

IME it's the norm to pay for the bride.

But I also think that big expensive hen dos are a pisstake in any case, let alone three of them!

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 14:33

Why?why would a bride expect friends to finance her hen do,it’s greedy and graspy
i literally know no one who would expect this or participate in this graspy behaviour
A meal inc drinks in a regular restaurant, yes. It’s on par with a birthday do
paying for a hen do, absolutely not

drpet49 · 01/05/2023 14:34

She is hasving 3 hen parties? How entitled and grabby. No I definitely wouldn’t pay for the bride.

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 14:37

I’ve been on hen do in UK and abroad, hotels & air B&B with various events. Bride paid too
Absolutely no bridal expectations of literally a free lunch

Original poster
TheRowdy3 · 01/05/2023 14:44

Three hen dos is for different groups. I understand and think it makes sense. I actually think the bride is unaware.

I'm only going on the weekend trip. We will probably arrange a low key meal with our smaller friendship group. There is a friend and close family weekend (this one), just friends and a big night out in another city nearby.

I had a night out and paid for two full rounds for everyone. The last few wedding I went to have had a free bar for guests.

OP posts:
StaringAtTheWater · 01/05/2023 14:55

I think its normal to pay for the bride's evening meal (including drinks) for one night, whether that's in the UK or abroad. Any other costs (activites, flights, hotel, etc) the bride should play her fair share.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 01/05/2023 14:56

See my hen do is this year and is being arranged by my MOH. I've mentioned several times to let me know about costs ect so I can budget and have been told 'there is no chance you are paying'. I do feel guilty about it but it's sweet. However I would have never expected anyone else to pay for me

burnoutbabe · 01/05/2023 14:59

It's not sweet if it means the other friends have yo pay or not come - usually it's just decided by moh and no one wants to pipe up and say "that's not on" so they just drop out.
Assuming it's not just a uk meal out then you should insist on paying any core costs.

Irritateandunreasonable · 01/05/2023 15:01

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 01/05/2023 14:56

See my hen do is this year and is being arranged by my MOH. I've mentioned several times to let me know about costs ect so I can budget and have been told 'there is no chance you are paying'. I do feel guilty about it but it's sweet. However I would have never expected anyone else to pay for me

I find this super hard. Your MOH has made that decision for everyone, that sucks. She obviously loves you very much and it’s a kind thought for you but really not very kind for others involved.

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 15:39

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 01/05/2023 14:56

See my hen do is this year and is being arranged by my MOH. I've mentioned several times to let me know about costs ect so I can budget and have been told 'there is no chance you are paying'. I do feel guilty about it but it's sweet. However I would have never expected anyone else to pay for me

It’s not sweet it’s an imposition upon others. If you really want to pay then you can,Apple Pay the MoH and bridesmaids. Simple as that

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 01/05/2023 17:38

It wasn't a case of my MOH told everyone they had to pay. The type of friends I have would have happily said no if they didn't want to/couldn't

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 17:45

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 01/05/2023 17:38

It wasn't a case of my MOH told everyone they had to pay. The type of friends I have would have happily said no if they didn't want to/couldn't

Who is paying then? Clearly not you,so who is ponying up for your hen do?
If you really wanted to make a contribution you could
people often quietly disagree but going along with group,social norms to keep the peace. Maybe they’ve been told bride isn’t paying,end of

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 01/05/2023 19:50

Ok calm down. I literally said what I'd been told. I haven't refused to pay anything, I was simply saying what was confirmed to me. I have absolutely no problem paying my way. As far I as stand, I always was

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 21:08

You’re touchy, clearly your non payment is something you’re happy with so long s it’s not discussed? As I said if you really want to pay and guess the budget and the others contribution to your hen do, it’s easy done. But seeing you haven’t guess you’re not really bothered

ZenNudist · 01/05/2023 21:13

Not standard for people to pay for the bride. I had a night out, paid for hosting friends at my house and got a magnum of champagne in for my friends at the nightclub we went to. DH treated all his friends entirely on his stag (small group).

Just say you can't afford the spiralling costs. Might be best to bow out now.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 01/05/2023 21:16

All the hens I’ve been to in the UK, hens have covered the bride’s costs.

Hen weekends away, including overseas, hen covers her own costs except maybe a meal out.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 01/05/2023 21:26

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 21:08

You’re touchy, clearly your non payment is something you’re happy with so long s it’s not discussed? As I said if you really want to pay and guess the budget and the others contribution to your hen do, it’s easy done. But seeing you haven’t guess you’re not really bothered

I'm clearly not bothered about it being discussed, as to why I've wrote this on a public forum. I've wrote my experience of this on a thread that asked for it. No where have I said 'I'm not bothered' about making people pay for me. But you go off assuming what you like

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 22:40

Maybe it’s a case by case basis. Brides I’ve know contribute and it’s all budgeted for and upfront
These have been UK and included Air B&B and a chef and waiters were booked we all paid inc the bride
private . theatre workshop . Craft day with an artist etc. Again we all paid inc bride
Wasnt aware of a bride doesn’t pay expectation,it feels v graspy and greedy to have a whole weekend events paid for you

Original poster
TheRowdy3 · 01/05/2023 23:12

@Zone2NorthLondon that sounds like a lot of expensive activities for a weekend. Even if the bride doesn't pay, this is all a bit much for me. I was naïve in how involved this would be. There was no mention of paying for the bride.

I will be shocked if all the invitees actually attend the weekend I have declined an activity and had a message back from two others. Now only the people going are paying for the activity and are paying for the bride to be.

OP posts: