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Original poster

Drug addict brother in law to be - should he come?

57 replies

Solicitor123 · 31/03/2023 07:07

Hello everyone

I am looking for your advice / a place to vent. I am getting married at the start of June 2023, so only 2 months time! We have planned a lovely day, with a church ceremony and then the reception at a grand Manor House.

The issue - my husband to be has a brother who is problematic, to put it mildly. We have been together for 7 years, and ever since I have known him, his brother has taken drugs. He is the same age as me, but has never had a job, doesn’t really leave the house, doesn’t have any friends and mainly just sits at home taking drugs and causing problems. He has some mental health issues too, and there have been suicide attempts in the past.

Previously, my fiancé and his brother have gone years without speaking because of the issues and the way he is. His parents do very little to help and sometimes I actually think they enable him. There is no discipline because they are scared of him.

he was admitted to rehab about 3 years ago and spent around 3 months there.

Over the past year, things seemed to improve and my fiancé and his brother built a relationship again. However, in the past month there have been warning signs that he is using drugs again.

Despite this, last weekend my fiancé had his stag and invited his brother. From what I have heard, he completely ruined the whole night. He seems to have a severe jealousy towards my fiancé and never deals well with days that are all about / to celebrate him. In summary, over the stag weekend he: refused to join in at the football they were playing, shouted at my fiancé in the middle of Liverpool city centre and tried to punch him, strangled one of my fiancé’s friends whilst drunk (causing him to drop all of his food and for the others to all be whispering about it the next morning), refused to get out of bed to check out the next day. He also took drugs on the night out and apparently created a very tense atmosphere.

My fiancé was absolutely fuming when he got home and said that he didn’t think his brother should come to our wedding anymore, as he would definitely ruin it.

This obviously really worried me as my whole family, all my friends, my boss, and my very poorly mum will be at the wedding. I don’t think I could ever forgive him / the whole family if he ruined my wedding day.

My fiancé has spoken to his mum, who is, however, adamant that he has to be there.

What should I do? I really don’t want to risk him ruining the whole day (which he could do in no less than 5 seconds) but also conscious that he is my fiancé’s brother!

On top of all of this, my mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October and had the major WHIPPLE surgery just 2 days ago. Work is also very stressful at the moment. I feel like I am at absolute breaking point and can’t take much more.

please help

OP posts:
Autienotnautie · 31/03/2023 07:15

It's your wedding. I definitely would not have him there. Your dp needs to tell his mum to stay out of it .

Zola1 · 31/03/2023 07:17

It's your wedding and I think your partner is absolutely right to tell his brother that after his carry on at the stag, he isn't welcome at the wedding. That he loves him and cares about him but he is going to do that from a distance until his brother addresses his drug use and behaviour.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 31/03/2023 07:31

Listen to your DP, my DH refused to have his sister at our wedding, his father said he wouldn’t come if she wasn’t invited and DH said OK, your decision, his father came, his sister didn’t even get an invite

ChaToilLeam · 31/03/2023 07:34

The brother should definitely not come. He cannot behave decently, he is violent. No way can you risk that on your big day. Your DP needs to tell his mother and she can make her own decision from there. If she puts the brother ahead of your DP, that says much. Either way, he needs to stay away.

Desperatelywantinganother · 31/03/2023 07:37

Based on his behavior at the stag party, no way should he be invited.
Is there security at your venue? You need a plan for when he turns up anyway out of his skull.

fortheloveofflowers · 31/03/2023 07:38

He definitely should not be there. His parents are clearly enabling his brother of they think that his behaviour is okay. Do they know what he did on his stag do?

He will ruin your wedding.

ModeratelyBetter · 31/03/2023 07:40

We had a recovering addict at our wedding so I was coming on to say yes, but having read your op, I do not think he should come. No way.

My uncle has just got out of rehab when we had our wedding and he was totally fine. We had to ask the band not to play Rehab though 😬

Your mil is being really silly

Xjshdvf · 31/03/2023 07:50

We had a similar situation and DH decided that he wouldn’t invite the person to either his stag do or our wedding as he didn’t want to risk either being ruined. The person in our lives had stages of being clean and then relapsing; if he’d been in a clean stage it would have been ok but he wasn’t and even he admitted that he couldn’t gaurantee not using on that day despite being upset that he didn’t come.
It certainly sounds like your mil is enabling and in denial; it’s your wedding not hers and it’s worth now having some boundaries about this family member to prevent future things being effected

Frozendaquiri · 31/03/2023 07:57

No way in hell would I let him come. Anyone who chose having him there over our enjoyment of our wedding wouldn't have been welcomed either if this has have been at my wedding.

Thank god he went to the stag do and showed his true colours there. It's blessing in disguise OP do not ignore it.

GoodChat · 31/03/2023 07:57

I wouldn't allow him to attend. All it takes is for him to take a pop at the wrong person and he could end up getting seriously hurt. How would your MIL feel about that?

I think he needs serious help but he's proven on the stag he can't be trusted.

Antiquiteas · 31/03/2023 07:59

No fucking way would I want that total liability at my wedding. You’ve spent a lot of money and for the performance of some jealous, addled fuck-up to be the thing people remember, would be grim.

It might be slightly different if he’d not fucked up the stag do, but he did. He’d take drugs at your wedding, too. I wouldn’t really care what the new MIL thought, I wouldn’t want him there and would back my fiancé.

MichelleScarn · 31/03/2023 08:13

So he tried to assault his brother, DID assault a friend of the brother and mother of the groom still thinks he won't ruin the wedding?

WandaWonder · 31/03/2023 08:21

I get he has history so probably shouldn't be there but it's not 'your' wedding it is a joint with a groom

Sure sounds obvious but I do feel when advice is given on weddings it is considered just for the bride

GoodChat · 31/03/2023 08:24

WandaWonder · 31/03/2023 08:21

I get he has history so probably shouldn't be there but it's not 'your' wedding it is a joint with a groom

Sure sounds obvious but I do feel when advice is given on weddings it is considered just for the bride

Have you read the OP? It's the groom who doesn't think he should be there.

Keeween · 31/03/2023 08:25

He absolutely shouldn’t be there, he’s clearly unsafe to be around. He may turn up anyway, maybe consider how to stop that.

Popcorn640 · 31/03/2023 08:27

OP I do agree that you and your DP should be able to decide he isn't invited to the wedding, his behaviour whilst not abstinent is unacceptable and it is fair for you to put in boundaries around that.

However, I'd like to also gently point out that the way you talk about some of these issues is very unfair - eg you lump his suicide attempts in as if they are similarly offensive and inconvenient to you. I hear you that you are absolutely at the end of your tether - but addiction and mental health problems are an illness. His behaviour whilst using is unacceptable and doesn't need to be welcomed in your life - but at the root of it is illness and I think it is helpful to hold that in mind.

TolkiensFallow · 31/03/2023 08:33

Don’t invite him. The stress will ruin the wedding even if he behaves.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2023 08:33

But it is an illness which he won't seek help for and which affects absolutely everybody else.

Personally I think anyone who tries to strangle anyone else should get an automatic prison sentence for attempted murder.

Lollypop701 · 31/03/2023 08:39

not worth the stress of thinking he might behave badly… it’s best to do it now so you can move on. There are consequences to bad behaviour, this is it for bil. If your in laws can’t accept it then sadly that’s their issue

LBFseBrom · 31/03/2023 08:40

Zola1 · 31/03/2023 07:17

It's your wedding and I think your partner is absolutely right to tell his brother that after his carry on at the stag, he isn't welcome at the wedding. That he loves him and cares about him but he is going to do that from a distance until his brother addresses his drug use and behaviour.

I agree with that.

Mrsjayy · 31/03/2023 08:41

Ca n you imagine if he starts something at the wedding your poor husband will be so embarrassed and hurt, he gave him a chance and he blew it. I would go with what your dp wants , family are supposed to respect each other as a minimum the bil doesn't .

Iamclearlyamug · 31/03/2023 08:42

@Solicitor123 it would be an absolute no from me.

However, if he's not invited and has form for bad behaviour - are you sure he wouldn't turn up and gatecrash and ruin the day that way? 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

AluckyEllie · 31/03/2023 08:51

Absolutely not. And make sure you have someone there to remove him if he comes, let the venue know.

He’s jealous of your fiancé because he’s got a nice life, a lovely wife to be, a house/job and a future. He’s a lowlife with no friends or anything or anyone meaningful. No accomplishments.

If his mum says he has to come or she won’t, like pp said say okay. She won’t miss out on her sons wedding. If she does- well her choice. It is yours and your husbands day, enjoy it.

DerangedViper · 31/03/2023 08:51

Do you/DP have large friends who can be briefed to 'mind' the brother, and eject him if necessary?

You need to make the issue entirely your DP's btw. You have enough on your plate.

Sicario · 31/03/2023 08:55

Don't have him at your wedding. Period.

If his mother decides to kick off about it and "boycott" your wedding as a punishment, then let her go ahead. Behaviour like that is manipulative and abusive. It's YOUR wedding, and nobody gets to bully you into doing what they want you to do.