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Original poster

Drug addict brother in law to be - should he come?

57 replies

Solicitor123 · 31/03/2023 07:07

Hello everyone

I am looking for your advice / a place to vent. I am getting married at the start of June 2023, so only 2 months time! We have planned a lovely day, with a church ceremony and then the reception at a grand Manor House.

The issue - my husband to be has a brother who is problematic, to put it mildly. We have been together for 7 years, and ever since I have known him, his brother has taken drugs. He is the same age as me, but has never had a job, doesn’t really leave the house, doesn’t have any friends and mainly just sits at home taking drugs and causing problems. He has some mental health issues too, and there have been suicide attempts in the past.

Previously, my fiancé and his brother have gone years without speaking because of the issues and the way he is. His parents do very little to help and sometimes I actually think they enable him. There is no discipline because they are scared of him.

he was admitted to rehab about 3 years ago and spent around 3 months there.

Over the past year, things seemed to improve and my fiancé and his brother built a relationship again. However, in the past month there have been warning signs that he is using drugs again.

Despite this, last weekend my fiancé had his stag and invited his brother. From what I have heard, he completely ruined the whole night. He seems to have a severe jealousy towards my fiancé and never deals well with days that are all about / to celebrate him. In summary, over the stag weekend he: refused to join in at the football they were playing, shouted at my fiancé in the middle of Liverpool city centre and tried to punch him, strangled one of my fiancé’s friends whilst drunk (causing him to drop all of his food and for the others to all be whispering about it the next morning), refused to get out of bed to check out the next day. He also took drugs on the night out and apparently created a very tense atmosphere.

My fiancé was absolutely fuming when he got home and said that he didn’t think his brother should come to our wedding anymore, as he would definitely ruin it.

This obviously really worried me as my whole family, all my friends, my boss, and my very poorly mum will be at the wedding. I don’t think I could ever forgive him / the whole family if he ruined my wedding day.

My fiancé has spoken to his mum, who is, however, adamant that he has to be there.

What should I do? I really don’t want to risk him ruining the whole day (which he could do in no less than 5 seconds) but also conscious that he is my fiancé’s brother!

On top of all of this, my mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October and had the major WHIPPLE surgery just 2 days ago. Work is also very stressful at the moment. I feel like I am at absolute breaking point and can’t take much more.

please help

OP posts:

Sicario · 31/03/2023 08:55

(I have an alcoholic/drug user brother so I know how this goes.)

LadyEloise1 · 31/03/2023 08:59

Iamclearlyamug · 31/03/2023 08:42

@Solicitor123 it would be an absolute no from me.

However, if he's not invited and has form for bad behaviour - are you sure he wouldn't turn up and gatecrash and ruin the day that way? 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I thought that too.
He definitely shouldn't be invited.
Ensure you have security at the church and venue.
How stupid is your mil - is she aware he attacked others on the stag ?
What does your fil think ?

Wishing your Mum a speedy recovery.

maddy68 · 31/03/2023 09:02

I would explain that his behaviour at the stag do ruined that for everyone and he is now not invited to the wedding Don't go over all past issues just use this most recent example. Keep it simple and clear that Noone wants to be around him

Choconut · 31/03/2023 09:09

If you don't invite him will he turn up anyway? Will his mum go against your OH's wishes and bring him? Will OH's mum refuse to come if he can't?

God I feel awful for you, this sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Brefugee · 31/03/2023 09:12

My fiancé has spoken to his mum, who is, however, adamant that he has to be there.

if you and your fiancé don't want him there, he's not there whatever fiancé's mum says. Even if she guarantees to run interference, it will make everyone tense.

And if mum doesn't want to come to one son's wedding because problem son isn't allowed? the answer is "oh sorry you won't be there, we'll show you the photos and save you some cake" and that is the extent of your "discussion" about it.

Congrats and enjoy your wedding!

finalwhistle · 31/03/2023 09:24

He definitely shouldn't come and I would insist on that.

maddy68 · 31/03/2023 09:45

That would be my fear too that he will just come anyway?

So maybe it's better for him to come but with the clear understanding that if he causes any trouble he will be asked to leave ?

Could you employ a bouncer to not let him in? Or to remove him if he causes issues ?

Crabwoman · 31/03/2023 09:53

This happened with a close family Member.

The initial family discussions went along the lines of,

"Mum, we've not decided yet - but if you insist, then understand he's your responsibility for the day. If he kicks off and ruins everything, you will have to apologise to DIL family personally."

The issue was completely put to bed when he ruined his cousin's birthday party and most of her family were furious.

Sounds like that has already happened with the stag tbh.

Does she know what occurred? Ask her if she wants the embarrassment of that happening at the wedding?

GoodChat · 31/03/2023 10:03

I don't think he'll just turn up because he doesn't like his brother being centre of attention so he wouldn't turn up to somewhere where that's the case knowing he's not welcome.

Keeween · 31/03/2023 10:26

GoodChat · 31/03/2023 10:03

I don't think he'll just turn up because he doesn't like his brother being centre of attention so he wouldn't turn up to somewhere where that's the case knowing he's not welcome.

id actually fear quite the opposite. What better way to make a scene, draw attention to yourself and away from your brother than by rocking up, making a grand entrance and causing a ruckus.
All eyes on brother dearest then.

Cantdoattitude · 31/03/2023 10:33

Completely agree with your fiance OP. He was at the stag so witnessed the carnage first hand. If he'd behaved well at the stag then I'm sure he'd still be on the invite list. He's had his chance.

pinkyredrose · 31/03/2023 10:39

He strangled your fiancé's friend !😮 He should have been arrested for assault!!

Of course he can't come to the wedding, he's not to be trusted, he's dangerous!!

Keeween · 31/03/2023 11:30

I can’t help but feel it would be somewhat disloyal to have the brother at the wedding given he physically attacked your husbands (presumably!) close friend on the stag. Making the friend face the brother again in circumstances where it’s considered good manners to make nice etc seems cruel.

Rollerpiggy · 31/03/2023 11:33

It’s your wedding. don’t have the day dictated by the enabling MIL and say a big fat no. This guy is looking for any excuse to ruin his brothers life, and a wedding will be a prime target. Tell DH you are saying no, and that is it. He can tell his mum you have vetoed it after the stag do, when he took drugs and was violent. You don’t need to explain anything to this woman, if she doesn’t like she doesn’t come. End of.

serene12 · 31/03/2023 13:04

It seems as if your brother in law, doesn’t have to face the consequences of his poor choices. A prime example is the recent stag do, everyone seems to be ‘walking on egg shells’. Why were the Police not called when he was aggressive?
Your brother in law is certainly being enabled by his parents, who are probably too scared to put in boundaries. We had a drug addict in our family, but we were able to use Tough Love. We had to evict him from our home, stop enabling him,and years later he thanked us! He said that would never have recovered otherwise, as it resulted in him seeking help. He attended our daughter’s wedding, but he certainly wouldn’t have been invited if he was still in addiction.
I got support from www.famanon.org.uk which is specifically for the family/friends who have a suspected drug. They have a helpline, forum,literature and UK wide meetings.

Famanon

Families Anonymous is a world-wide fellowship of family members and friends affected by another’s abuse of mind-altering substances, or related behavioural problems.

http://www.famanon.org.uk

LadyEloise1 · 31/03/2023 15:32

Rollerpiggy · 31/03/2023 11:33

This 💯

legofrostqueen · 31/03/2023 15:35

Definitely ban him. In a way it's good this happened on the stag rather than on your wedding day...there has to be a consequence...

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2023 15:39

strangled one of my fiancé’s friends whilst drunk

Is this friend at the wedding? Because regardless of everyone else's feelings, he ASSAULTED someone. He needs to feel safe.

Radiatorvalves · 31/03/2023 15:41

I got married over 20 years ago. One of our friends behaved appallingly. He was on something (I had no idea) and spoke disgustingly to friends of my father (he wanted to watch them have sex…). I’m still cringing now. It was a pretty posh and civilised wedding. Don’t invite him.

Radiatorvalves · 31/03/2023 15:43

meant to add the best man and others had to get him removed. All military… the ceremonial swords nearly got used.

fruitbrewhaha · 31/03/2023 15:46

ow gawd, what a bellend.

It was probably a massive mistake to invite him to the stag do. I recovering addict on a big night out of drinking was likely to be a nightmare.

You are wise to uninvite him. Your DF can tell him he cant be trusted around alcohol and it's for his own good. It's sad his parents have enabled and not helped him.

fruitbrewhaha · 31/03/2023 15:47

I recovering? not me, I meant "A recovering addict."

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/03/2023 15:51

I think I’d do this rather than ban him outright and have a strict conversation about him behaving himself.

At my DB’s wedding to his wife and then her brother’s wedding her brother was there who’s had coke and gambling addictions and been bailed out by family (but they’re well off) and luckily I don’t think he was stupid enough to do anything but was given a good talking to beforehand. He behaved very well.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/03/2023 15:51

Sorry didn’t quote, I’d have him there but with big minder style friends to keep an eye on him. And eject if necessary.

SunshineAndFizz · 31/03/2023 15:55

This is very simple. It's not your MIL to be's wedding.

After the stag do there are plenty of reasons, should you need them to uninvite BIL to be.

Leave it to DH to deal with as it's his family, but I wouldn't have him there.

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