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Original poster

estranged siblings invited to son's wedding

57 replies

upsetandheartbroken · 28/03/2023 08:21

My nephew has invited both of my enstranged siblings to his wedding. His parents and I have not spoken to our sisters in 6 years due to a huge family rift which did involve said nephew. We have absolutly nothing to do with them both as they betrayed and lied to us on numerous occassions and did unimaginable things after our mother's death. We are still ashamed, disgusted and embarrassed by their behaviour. I am heartbroken that they have, behind our backs, kept in touch with them and expect us to attend their wedding knowing the level of anguish this will cause my brother, his wife and I. We all feel betrayed by his actions and are seriously heartbroken that we have been put in this position. We really do not want to attend but it is his son's wedding. What was going to be a lovley day has now turned into a complete nightmare situation. Had he been upfront about his contact with them from the onset we would have been forewarned but to drop this a ten days before the wedding doesn't even give us time to get our head around the sisituation. The atmosphere will be toxic but they will revel in our uncomfortable situation. any suggestions? I am only going to support my brother as I seriously do not want to go.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 30/03/2023 07:39

I would go, be nice but don't drink as it will lower your inhibitions and might make you say something that you'll regret.

Indiaplain · 30/03/2023 08:01

Just go. The wedding is their day and they can invite who they like, you don't have to speak to your estranged sisters. Probably easier if it is a big ish wedding I guess. Hopefully the table plan won't put you near them ..

I was in a similar position to your nephew and invited family members who had fallen out. It annoyed me when they made the day about them. I guess your nephew has his reasons for inviting them?

underneaththeash · 30/03/2023 08:03

I suspect there was fault on both sides, but it's his wedding and not yours and he can invite who he likes.

thimblewomgee247 · 30/03/2023 08:07

I have been in your nephews position and I could very much see fault on both sides and love all my family.

Just ignore them on the day and be polite

GardenGnomic · 30/03/2023 08:08

Concentrate on the factvits nephew's wedding and think about what you can do to support and celebrate him and his new spouse. I assume thats attend, remember day is about them and be happy for them. You are going to need to put aside your hurt and anguish for one day.

as pp above says that probably means - don't drink too much, be prepared to leave early if you are finding it hard.

MrsBunnyEars · 30/03/2023 08:09

Go, smile, be polite and remember this isn’t about you.

Harebrain · 30/03/2023 08:20

I agree with @MrsBunnyEars. You are dignified and rise above it. Do it for your nephew and have a lovely day.

LadyJ2023 · 30/03/2023 08:26

Not being funny who your nephew talks to and gets on with is nothing to do with you so stop making out he has been dishonest not mentioning he talked to the other side. He isnt the problem and shouldn't be made to be a problem because of your problems with other family members. Grow up get over it and stop trying to make another fall out its not your day and try looking how much he thinks of you to actually invite you instead of putting the lad down

Hairgician · 31/03/2023 11:22

Nope sorry but you dont get to have a pity party over it. Not your day. Its your nephews. You are either there for him. Or not. Your choice. Rise above it and smile and nod as they say. If you cant do that then dont go. Simple. If its a big do then should be easier to stay out of their way and avoid them.

I know im being harsh but getting the same shit from my own mother and shes been told to get the fuck over herself or stay away. No kid gloves from me.

Turnipworkharder · 31/03/2023 19:17

The Nephew is inviting family that HIS Father hasn't spoken to in years ?

So the Son is putting them before his own parents ?

heldinadream · 31/03/2023 19:27

Have you spoken about this to your brother and his wife since you found out? Do they know?

It seems on the surface that your nephew thinks the 'blame' might be on both sides. And perhaps he's given you all so little time because he wants to bounce you all into a situation where there is the potential for healing and making some amends perhaps?

pncr · 31/03/2023 19:46

Go and ignore Them. And don't drink alcohol.

Tomkirkman · 31/03/2023 19:52

I don’t think the nephew needed to tell you anything tbh. It’s really obvious you wouldn’t be happy, even if you did know.

He likely thinks that you would have kicked off if he told you he was speaking to them, or invited them.

If you really don’t want to go, don’t. It’s their wedding. It shouldn’t be about you and your feelings over your siblings.

No one has been betrayed. Your nephew is an adult and decided to maintain contact with some of his relatives.

OhcantthInkofaname · 31/03/2023 19:58

Go to the wedding. Show up at the reception or after party and leave quickly

Theraffarian · 31/03/2023 20:06

Been in a very similar situation, so have every sympathy. However your issues are not your nephews issues , and as such he can invite whoever he wishes to his wedding , and may even naively be thinking a reconciliation could happen over the event . My personal way of dealing with it would be to have the fantastic day you had already expected , you are under no obligation to speak to your sisters , and the only request I would make of your nephew is that you aren’t seated together for any meal etc. Trust me , having a fabulous time will feel far better than anything else you could do .

MarshaMelrose · 31/03/2023 20:16

Maybe as the rift involved your nephew, he's trying to heal it. Don't give them the satisfaction of ruining a great day for you. Rise above it and act you don't care. If you act for long enough, you might find you actually don't really care.

aslkde · 31/03/2023 20:26

Unless your relatives are murderers or rapists, stop making this all about you. It's his wedding and he can invite who HE wants.

Don't be responsible for causing drama on the day. Go, smile, be pleasant (you don't have to be friendly!) and don't get drunk.

drpet49 · 31/03/2023 20:31

Turnipworkharder · 31/03/2023 19:17

The Nephew is inviting family that HIS Father hasn't spoken to in years ?

So the Son is putting them before his own parents ?

This. Weird isn’t it. And to top it off he’s secretly been in touch with them all these years.

Puppers · 31/03/2023 20:36

Your nephew obviously doesn't feel the same level of hurt and anger towards them as you do. Or else he is trying to move on from it. He is allowed to have a relationship with them on his terms and he hasn't betrayed you by choosing to have a relationship with members of his own family. It's deeply unfair to put that on him.

Your options are either to behave with dignity, go to the wedding and not allow yourself to be drawn into any drama or unpleasantness; or to throw your toys out of the pram, refuse to attend and damage your relationship with your nephew.

Choose to be better than they are. From experience, it's really shit to be the younger generation in a family where relationships have broken down. Don't try to force your nephew to play a role in your conflict that he doesn't want to.

ditalini · 31/03/2023 20:44

God so many of these in the previous generation of my family. All lovely on their own but permanently feuding/giving the silent treatment to each other.

My generation all just invited who we liked (all of them) to our weddings. Mostly they came, behaved like grown-ups and it was fine.

Recently at a funeral there was another two groups that didn't speak giving the stink eye to each other but most people didn't even notice since some of the feuds are now so old that few remember what it was even about.

You can rise above it and have a good time op. Or leave early if it's unbearable - it's your nephew's day.

ALittleBitAhAh · 31/03/2023 20:51

Speak to your sibling (nephew's parent). If they are still going and would like you there, I would go. Otherwise I wouldn't. I understand all the posters who say it's his day etc. But he's been a bit of a sneaky twat tbh!

dietcokelime · 31/03/2023 20:57

Will it genuinely cause "anguish"? This sounds so OTT without knowing what the actual original issue was.

If your nephew was involved in the original issue and has maintained contact with them and is happy for them to come, then imo that's what matters on his wedding day. He shouldn't need to put his feelings last when inviting family members he wants there on the day.

You're all adults - just be polite and not friendly, in my opinion this can't be the hardest thing in the world for a few hours (again you've not said the original issue which might change things!) and surely going and supporting your nephew is more important than indulging some historical issues you've had?

I think it's quite worrying you see it as a betrayal that he's had a relationship with them, and are "heartbroken". Your relationship with him shouldn't be dependent on him disliking the same people you do, if he's moved on from whatever happened in the past, that's up to him.

Turnipworkharder · 31/03/2023 20:58

drpet49 · 31/03/2023 20:31

This. Weird isn’t it. And to top it off he’s secretly been in touch with them all these years.

Show quote history

yes very strange.
I don't think other posters have fully understood it all.

DaftyLass · 31/03/2023 20:59

Just go, be a grown up, hold your tongue, this day isn't about you or your feud

saraclara · 31/03/2023 21:11

If anyone matters here, it's nephew's dad.

Of course DN gets to invite who he likes, be in contact with who he likes. But it IS a shitty thing to do to his dad. And he knows it or he wouldn't have waited until ten days before the wedding to drop the bombshell.

Your role is to put up and shut up and behave with dignity and decorum. And to support your brother and help avoid any scenes at the event.

I'm amazed that the nephew is risking a huge blow up at his wedding.