estranged siblings invited to son's wedding

[upsetandheartbroken]

My nephew has invited both of my enstranged siblings to his wedding. His parents and I have not spoken to our sisters in 6 years due to a huge family rift which did involve said nephew. We have absolutly nothing to do with them both as they betrayed and lied to us on numerous occassions and did unimaginable things after our mother's death. We are still ashamed, disgusted and embarrassed by their behaviour. I am heartbroken that they have, behind our backs, kept in touch with them and expect us to attend their wedding knowing the level of anguish this will cause my brother, his wife and I. We all feel betrayed by his actions and are seriously heartbroken that we have been put in this position. We really do not want to attend but it is his son's wedding. What was going to be a lovley day has now turned into a complete nightmare situation. Had he been upfront about his contact with them from the onset we would have been forewarned but to drop this a ten days before the wedding doesn't even give us time to get our head around the sisituation. The atmosphere will be toxic but they will revel in our uncomfortable situation. any suggestions? I am only going to support my brother as I seriously do not want to go.

Your title threw me. So your brother's Son is inviting your other siblings to his wedding so his aunt/uncles. I think if he knows there's upset and he's been sneaking around in contact with them then that's quite hard to accept.

This

You don’t have to go. You’re dreading it, it sounds like it’ll be really stressful. Why put yourself through it? Your brother doesn’t have to go either.

It sounds an odd and unhealthy dynamic, you’re not obliged to play along with it.

If you can’t face declining at this stage get a migraine or noro the day before.

Suck it up and go or don't go.

Maybe he wants to reconcile. It's not about you.

You've given us your take but what is his take?

What does the grooms dad think about it? I’d be led by them.

@ditalini thats reassuring!! I practically lose count of how many of her family my mum has fallen out with (and back in again) so it’s nice to hear of another extended family successfully keeping contact a generation down. My siblings and I make efforts to keep contact with our cousins and aunts and uncles regardless of the dynamics within that generation. It works for us.

Noro is a good shout - even if they don't care about you they won't want you there in case you infect everyone else

So you & your brother have fallen out with your sisters?

But your nephew didn't?

Or did & has reconciled?

I think when you go nc with someone tha is your decision but you obviously can't control what others do.

One of my Auntie's kicked off about a week before our wedding because another auntie was also coming - thankfully my Dad told her to either come but avoid the other or stay away.

Your nephew and his partner have invited all of the people who matter to them to their wedding - why should they tailor the guest list to suit other guests rather than themselves? There will be enough people and enough space that you can ignore your estranged sibling without impacted on the marrying couple - if you can't do that, you should stay away. But most of all, please don't try to make their guest list and their wedding about you.

Bloody hell! It's not your wedding is it?! Get a grip, grow up and attend the wedding. Is it really out of your ability to go and be polite/avoid your siblings?

I'm going to guess that at least part of OP's amger or distress is on behalf of her brother. The father of the groom, who's been totally sideswiped by this, just ten days before the event. It's all very well berating the OP and saying the wedding isn't about her. But Jeeze, surely the nephew should have considered his own father. I'd be so upset for my sibling if their child did this.

I mean, really, would anyone on here deliberately invite someone to their wedding whose presence would deeply distress their parent? And hide that from then until they couldn't get away with it any more?

Agreed. Weird thing to do.

Trying to arrange a family meet up before the wedding -yes fine -I have seen that suggested where say divorced parents will have to be civil-best to try a casual meet up first before the emotions of the big day.

But wanting to upset his parents/dad just to invite some less close guests? Odd.

This.

Obviously nobody knows all the detail of what has gone on (nor the same story from the side of your sister), but this isn't your party, and it is up to your nephew who he would like to be there. Clearly he is adult enough to choose who he has a relationship with, and he is presuming that you are all adult enough to behave yourself and not spoil his wedding day with poor behaviour.

Er, yes?

Its not the dad’s wedding. If the nephew has a real relationship with his aunties, he can invite them if he likes. “Deeply distress”. Petty sibling fallout that the nephew is clearly ignoring and I respect him for it.

Well we don't know what the fallout was about so can't judge how petty?

Could be something quite unpleasant.

We are all guessing but this seems a bit weird for the nephew to cling to his hated aunties over his entire family, no?

There’s no suggestion of blackmail or financial dependence. Most kids take their parents side over relatives.

I agree with an earlier poster that some generations just love to fall out and good on nephew for not really caring. I know I wouldn’t.

In the absence of a history of assault or abuse, the dispute between you and your estranged relatives doesn’t need to extend to your nephew.

You sound so dramatic. Go, don't go, maybe try dialing down the drama.

I think it’s a strange decision - knowing that it will upset his parents. Yes it’s his wedding, but choosing to invite estranged family knowing that this is a big issue for your parents is quite the statement.

It makes me wonder what’s driving it.

in my case, my H really pushed me to reconnect with estranged family and invite them to our wedding (which never happened as an event, just a registry office with two witnesses thing - even that was a mistake). In hindsight, I think he was intending to cause me harm and using it as a means of alienating me from my mother and sister. I had been estranged from my father for nearly twenty years at that point, and had stopped contact with my entire paternal family as part of that. It’s a long story but my dad’s a nasty alcoholic and his family are all quite toxic in various ways (as I learned as a result of H’s intervention). My parents divorce had been incredibly acrimonious and my sister would have refused to be in the same room as our father.

But H was desperately keen to ensure that I reconnected with these people and that I must have my dad as a central part of the wedding etc. he presented all this as him being wonderful and benevolent and kind… but no. I have since come to recognise that he was trying to cause trouble and isolate me from what little family support I have.

Obviously each family situation will be unique, but I wouldn’t necessarily assume that the nephew did keep in contact all the time. And there may be more going on than it seems. Not necessarily anything nasty or terrible (just because my H is a shit doesn’t mean the nephew’s fiancée is up to anything untoward!) - it may just be that they’ve got romantic ideas about family reconciliation via their wedding or whatever.

If you're this overwrought about seeing your estranged sibling, don't go. You risk ruining your nephew's wedding with your drama.

You really don't have to go.

A dignified silence. And enjoy the day which is not about you.
Stay sober, stay respectful and only speak with people you wish to talk to.
Maybe try a mind game and pretend the unloved guests are strangers or from the other family.
It's not your fault that the enemy will be there so have fun and behave in a way that doesn't demean yourself.
Your nephew is making a fresh start with his new bride and they don't wish to harbour or continue family grievances.

I think nephew's behaviour is a bit odd. Does he not realise how much you and your brother hate your other sister/s? Perhaps he was naievely hoping this wedding would help heal the rift in your family?

I don't blame you for not wanting to go OP. It's going to be a very difficult day for you.

I would go, but not drink. It's your nephews wedding day, don't make this about you.

He's told you close to the wedding so he didn't have months of people trying to change his mind. He has a different view on the situation to you. Presumably he either cares enough for them to want them there or is hoping it will build bridges.

Go, be calm, serene and aloof. Do your best to have fun and be politely disinterested in them, as if they were an old acquaintance haven't seen in years. It will be hard for you, but you can't change the situation, only your reaction to it.

I always felt this about my mother and her siblings and invited them to my wedding. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t all get on. Then my mum died a year later and I didn’t so much as recieve a sympathy card. One actually rang me up to slag my poor mum off before her funeral.

There are some terrible family dynamics going on here and I hope the nephew doesn’t regret it. I do. I wish I’d understood at the time.