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Original poster

Fell out with my best mate before my wedding

35 replies

Changedmymindtoday · 20/02/2023 23:59

So this happened in 2018.

Best friend was my chief bridesmaid.
She spoilt my hen party, made up lies, tried to turn my other friends against me, treated me horribly.

When I confronted her, she made me feel as though I was over reacting.
Some of my friends were pretty shocked too by what had happened and witnessed it all.
6 weeks later she eventually came around and apologised to me for her awful behaviour and promised me it would never happen again as she was just really stressed out either lots on her plate and lashed out at me.
She was given the option to opt out go wedding, but said she really wanted to be there and support me and I believed her.
Her behaviour at my wedding was pretty poor, i won’t say too much as it’s outing but let’s just say I was late for my own wedding!

After the wedding she left and I never heard from
her again.

It took me a long time to come to terms with it all and I was very hurt for a long time. But time has helped.

Except I found out a month ago due to photos on FB that she is now getting married very soon.

It was brought all of my feelings and emotions back up.
I realise now I’m still incredibly hurt and angry at her.
She cast such a shadow on my hen, lead up, wedding day and the weeks and months after.

Will I ever be able to really move on from it?

She broke my heart.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/02/2023 00:03

Surely you just turn up at the back of the venue in a white dress?

Lavender14 · 21/02/2023 00:04

She sounds awful op and totally out of order. It sounds like overall she's done you a favour by showing her true colours so you can remove her from your life.

Original poster
Changedmymindtoday · 21/02/2023 00:07

Ya but my wedding photos have her in them.
she’s what I think when I remember our day,

I can’t look at most photos as she is in them.

I wished she didn’t turn up or I wish I told her to stay away. I wanted to so badly but everyone told me not to.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 21/02/2023 00:08

You’re lucky to have no further contact with this malicious nutcase, and whoever she’s marrying has my sympathy.

Do you have any friends going to the wedding? Devise a fiendish plot to sabotage it

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/02/2023 00:09

Ps you can pay someone to photoshop her out of the photos. I know you’d still remember but it would be something, an act of reclaiming.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2023 00:09

I'd pity her. How sad that she's such a small, nasty person that she felt the need to treat you so poorly. Rise above, op.

Original poster
Changedmymindtoday · 21/02/2023 00:10

Thing is, he is a top notch guy she is marrying. A real good egg.
I didn’t even know they were still together as I don’t look at anything to find out about her. I don’t ask anyone either.

how do I stop being so bitter and hurt?

OP posts:
EconomyClassRockstar · 21/02/2023 00:11

Well, it’s up to you really. You can either keep seething, feeling angry and resentful or you can take a deep breath, truly let her go and give her no more energy in your life. And then live happily ever after as that’s what a wedding is about really. Not the actual day.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 21/02/2023 00:11

you had me on your side right up to the last line...

but the only person capable of breaking a bride's heart on her wedding day is the groom (or other bride, if it's a same-sex wedding), unless said bride is a huge narcissist - because they are the only person with your heart in their keeping. if your wedding day is about celebrating your love for your intended, rather than being a massive showpiece about how wonderful you are, then all the disasters that can and sometimes do go horribly wrong on wedding days, especially with a flakey bridesmaid, are certainly annoying but don't come anywhere near the level of emotional impact you describe. I therefore suspect there is a lot more to this story and the other side of the tale might earn a bridezilla medal or two.

Original poster
Changedmymindtoday · 21/02/2023 00:13

I do pity her.
i know that the driver for her behaviour was because she is so unhappy in herself. She is very low in confidence and absolutely hated anyone (me) getting on and being happy.
I know this because lots of comments were made from the moment we got engaged. The red flags were there early. I wish I listened to them

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedmymindtoday · 21/02/2023 00:15

@FeinCuroxiVooz I’m heart broken because I lost my best friend.
im heart broken because of how she treated me.

It took me so long to stop automatically calling to texting her, I only knew just chatting to her every day. Then it was gone. So yes im heartbroken for all of it

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 21/02/2023 00:22

Your heartbreak will fade. Focus on other friends and new friends, do get her photoshopped out of your pictures (ie take action, don’t just passively mourn the loss of someone who is actually not worth a moment more of your time and energy).

Reframe this. There is no going back.

Maybe arrange a fabulous party for a significant anniversary and get some gorgeous photos taken. Huddles of family and friends and no mad bitch in sight.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2023 00:22

Changedmymindtoday · 21/02/2023 00:10

Thing is, he is a top notch guy she is marrying. A real good egg.
I didn’t even know they were still together as I don’t look at anything to find out about her. I don’t ask anyone either.

how do I stop being so bitter and hurt?

Feel sorry for HIM. He has to deal with that train wreck. The mask she wears for him will slip eventually, it always does.

Original poster
Changedmymindtoday · 21/02/2023 00:27

So I did take action on the photos myself where possible. I’m decent with photoshop, so I made some amendments on a few that I liked.

My videographer also helped with blur and what not so it’s not totally tragic. I just don’t have any photos of my bridesmaids with out her!! Annoying!!!

ya I guess I thought my heartbreak had faded. But since finding out she is getting married it just brought it all back.
But one thing I don’t feel is sad I’m not going to her wedding. She lost a good friend, I lost a friend. I think she knows that too.

Her mum approached me recently to chat. So weird. She didn’t mention her, nor did I. She was well up to speed on my life which I found unsettling

OP posts:
ukholidayseeker · 21/02/2023 00:58

The only way to stop the hurt is to revisit those emotions again and then forgive her within yourself.

MermaidMummy06 · 21/02/2023 04:08

My SIL did something similar. Also a bridesmaid. She was jealous & knew how to set MIL off on one of her abusive crusades. Her own behaviour was appalling as well.

I focus on what I enjoyed about the day. I refuse to let them sully my memories and give them any mind space, and remember that 25 years on we're still together and the wedding really doesn't matter any more as it was so long ago!

(I will admit, though, watching my SIL ruin her own wedding with bridezilla antics was a salve on my wound.)

Starlitestarbright · 21/02/2023 04:39

With all due respect op it's 2023. Stop giving it any head space, focus on your marriage and leave her in the past where she belongs. Anger breeds resentment

Daisychained8 · 21/02/2023 05:09

I know how you feel.

One of my ‘best friends’ made me late for my wedding by claiming she was on her way to mine (we were supposed to go together) and then just never turning up. She didn’t meet us at the venue, she didn’t send an apology message, she literally left it as ‘I’m on the way’ and we never spoke again. She’s fine by the way; nothing happened to her. She just… decided not to come for some reason? I sent her a message afterwards to check all was okay and she literally never replied to me. To this day we haven’t spoken.

My other ‘best friend’ came and was a massive bitch the entire day. She was catty, rude, sarcastic, just really fucking awful. It makes me cringe just thinking about it. I never spoke to her again afterwards either.

It was SO weird. The two of them aren’t really friends so it’s not like they had conspired together or anything. The second girl I think was jealous because she was OBSESSED with getting married and just didn’t take it well when I got married before her as we had known each other for years and until I met my (now) DH I was pretty sure I didn’t want to get married. God knows what the first one’s reason was.

I’m still angry and upset about it! Planning on renewing my vows and having a nice day because I hated my wedding day because of these girls. It was a tiny wedding, only about 8 people invited, just closest friends supposedly. So two of them being horrible really ruined it.

Daisychained8 · 21/02/2023 05:11

FeinCuroxiVooz · 21/02/2023 00:11

you had me on your side right up to the last line...

but the only person capable of breaking a bride's heart on her wedding day is the groom (or other bride, if it's a same-sex wedding), unless said bride is a huge narcissist - because they are the only person with your heart in their keeping. if your wedding day is about celebrating your love for your intended, rather than being a massive showpiece about how wonderful you are, then all the disasters that can and sometimes do go horribly wrong on wedding days, especially with a flakey bridesmaid, are certainly annoying but don't come anywhere near the level of emotional impact you describe. I therefore suspect there is a lot more to this story and the other side of the tale might earn a bridezilla medal or two.

This is so wrong. Of COURSE it’s heartbreaking to be treated so awfully by a so-called friend on what is supposed to be one of the most special days of your life? Of COURSE that would be hurtful and awful!

chartreuseabuse · 21/02/2023 05:20

@Daisychained8 absolutely agree with you.

chartreuseabuse · 21/02/2023 05:29

Maybe you could get a professional to edit a photo of you and your bridesmaids together without her as an act of closure. Display it and try to put these feelings behind you again. I'm not surprised her wedding has triggered you. I hope she feels some shame when she arrives at her wedding remembering she made you late for yours. I was married nearly a decade ago and a major change by the venue caused me an enormous amount of stress running up to the ceremony and I only remember this instead of having a lovely fun and calm time getting ready. I don't know how to stop this spoiling my memories either. I hope karma is on your side. She sounds like a massive bitch and you are far better off without her and knowing the hard lesson that you learned. Ultimately you are a better person.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2023 07:00

FeinCuroxiVooz · 21/02/2023 00:11

you had me on your side right up to the last line...

but the only person capable of breaking a bride's heart on her wedding day is the groom (or other bride, if it's a same-sex wedding), unless said bride is a huge narcissist - because they are the only person with your heart in their keeping. if your wedding day is about celebrating your love for your intended, rather than being a massive showpiece about how wonderful you are, then all the disasters that can and sometimes do go horribly wrong on wedding days, especially with a flakey bridesmaid, are certainly annoying but don't come anywhere near the level of emotional impact you describe. I therefore suspect there is a lot more to this story and the other side of the tale might earn a bridezilla medal or two.

What an insane post!

The heartbreak OP is writing about is the loss of a friendship, and her best friend hurting her so badly on an important day.

Quitelikeacatslife · 21/02/2023 07:31

Sounds like you are not over it, maybe you want to wish her well and happiness? Send a card? are you wanting to reconcile in some way? I mean it'll never be the same but is that what you want?

Original poster
Changedmymindtoday · 21/02/2023 07:32

Thanks everyone.

I think just reading that she isn’t a nice person and I’m better without her helps.

I want to clarify one thing, I was blissfully unaware of her behaviour on my wedding day. If all came out a few days later about the various goings on. My bridesmaid, make up artist, mum photographer were all very angry with her.

I had a great wedding day. ReallY enjoyed it. It was finding out afterwards. I never confronted her, but she knows I know some of it at least.
it was her never contacting me again and sailing off into her nasty sunset that broke me.

Maybe my unexpected feelings now is because I never got any closure. I never had it out with her. She never explained or apologised.

She did respond on SM to my DH 3 months later while on honeymoon to “have a great time guys x “ which tbh broke me then too. I never understood that either. Why message him?

Even if her wedding did go to shit. I’ll never know. 🙈

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 21/02/2023 12:07

Seconding (or 3) professional photoshop of everywhere she is, it’ll be cathartic, and even if a bit expensive (choose your fave photos maybe), sounds like it’ll be worth it for you (it can be really, really well done, nothing like at home, just look at all the celebrities ones)