Feeling sad about my wedding

[thismotherhoodthing]

Our wedding was last week. It was postponed four times due to covid so as you can imagine it's taken up a lot of headspace in the past three years! We had a baby last year so we even thought about cancelling it at one point.

I had a nice day but some things are spoiling how I feel about the day.

I was really relaxed beforehand until my little girl came into the room as planned. She got completely distressed by the whole thing and then didn't really calm down for the whole of the rest of the day. People took it in turns to help us out and calm her but she was just really upset so I found it hard to relax at all. Once she went to sleep in the evening she was ok and didn't wake and a family member watched over her. This meant the final hour before our ceremony was very fraught and I couldn't really focus on getting myself ready.

Now when I look at the pictures I notice that my dress doesn't fit properly. I was losing weight beforehand (not intentionally just pregnancy weight) and in the past two weeks lost more than I realised. My final fitting was cancelled as the seamstress was sick so she sent me to a different seamstress. In hindsight she wasn't great and all I can see in the pictures is how loose my dress is around my ribs. No one noticed on the day but I will always know how it should have looked.

I know this is probably very shallow and I need to get a sense of perspective but after three years of waiting it's really upsetting me that all I can see in our photos is that I don't look very relaxed and my dress doesn't look as good as it should have. I feel like I spent a lot of money on a day that could have been amazing if I had planned differently.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I feel like it should have been the best day of my life so I feel a bit guilty that's not how I feel about it

I couldn't get past some of my hair being 'out of place' and it bothered me for months. Looked at the photos last week and didn't notice it at all!
I think when you've processed the feelings the happiness will come through, that's what happened for me. I dealt with the 'not so good' and now I just focus on the good parts :-)

@Rowen32 Thats what I'm hoping will happen, when the feelings aren't so fresh I might just remember the overall day. At the moment I just feel gutted that I didn't look how I wanted to and that LO couldn't be a part of the day really

Maybe you could have your dress altered and some photos retaken?

My DD has started planning her wedding. It made me realise how much easier it was when I married. We didn’t have all the social media, pinterest, instagram etc.

The only influence you had were the friends weddings that you went to, and because they were mostly the same age and had similar incomes nothing was unachievable.

If you looked in a magazine they tended to be ‘society weddings’, and you didn’t even try and compete with them.

The pressure is so high to have the best, most wonderful, stunning day ever.I think with all the expectations there is always going to be something that doesn’t go perfectly.

I feel for you about your DD, but it doesn’t sound as if you could have planned around that. It sounds if people stepped up to help so I’d remember that part of it.

At my wedding when the group photos were being taken someone (male) gave me their baby to hold as a laugh. I was too distracted to start looking for them to hand it back. As a result I have no group photos of me without the baby!

There used to be a joke that it wasn’t a proper wedding if there wasn’t a ‘domestic’ or a noise complaint to the police.

I’d suggest you make a list of all the good bits about the day and look at that when you start worrying about your dress etc.

Congratulations by the way!

I feel so similar about my wedding day - and also feel really guilty and unappreciative because we did have a lovely celebration with our family and friends and i know it was a lovely day. But looking back i can't help but dwell on the negatives and it is ruining the memory for me.

• I also am not happy with my dress looking back and that's ruined the photos for me
• i feel like DH and i didn't spend enough time together as we were drawn to our own friends/family groups
• i didn't get pics with certain people e.g. no picture just me and my mum, none of my SIL in family photos
• rain meant we were not able to take any pictures outdoors and i'd bought a really lovely faux fur coat (winter wedding) to wear that didn't get used and just got left in the car all day. It looked so cool when i tried it on and i'm gutted i didn't wear it, and got no opportunity for a photo in it (also in hindsight if i had some pics wearing that/covering my dress a bit i'd be happier given that i ended up not happy with the dress)
• didn't put enough effort into table decorations
• added an accessory to the flower girl outfits to try and tie what they were wearing together with the older bridesmaids, but i didn't see what that looked like until the day and when i look at the pics of them i think it doesn't really work and we should have just left it.
• DH was drunk by the time it came to do his speech so his delivery wasn't great and at the last minute he decided to go note-free so he forgot lots of bits (worst of which was that he meant to say something about how life had changed since we had our lovely DD but he didn't mention her at all). DDad's speech was much lovelier and i have really fond memories of that, so i feel sad that in comparison i felt like DH's speech was a bit crap.
• i could go on with more silly little details, i just have so many niggles!

It's really silly because i know objectively that it was a good day, everyone enjoyed it, the venue was lovely and the main thing of course is that I MARRIED DH but i just feel sad rather than happy looking back. I was a suuuuper chilled bride and i regret not being a bit more "bridezilla" about it all. Anyway - just sharing so you know you're not on your own (and also maybe it will help me too to get this off my chest, I've not told anyone IRL). Hopefully time will help us both!

I literally hated my wedding. I couldn't afford a proper dress so wore a cream shift dress. DS was 3 and he was surprisingly well-behaved! But my DM was seriously ill and couldn't attend and she passed away just weeks later. There was all that going on and I was obsessing over things like my dress, hair not being right and the cake being ridiculous and the photos being in the wrong place! We went back later to re-do them in the right place but that time DS threw a tantrum so that went wrong too!

For ages I wish I'd never got married.

Oh, OP, I feel for you but hope those feelings will subside for you in time, as mine did.
I regretted not having my hair 'done' properly, my make up was too pale and no-one got close up photos of the beautiful posies my mum made for the ends of the pews.
But when I look at the photos now (not very often) I see none of those 'problems' at all.
It is still fresh in your mind. Try and concentrate on all the lovely, positive things about the day. It helped me x

My dress didn't fit either, I was 4 months post baby and breastfeeding. Chose a dress I could feed in even though it wasn't what I wanted. Dress had been altered but didn't fit right at all and it's noticeable on the photos. My hair was not what I had chosen in the trial. My baby, who was normally good as gold, cried all day. The weather was awful. Guests all moaned about the weather. Photographer messed up the photos. The reception food ran out even though we paid for more guests than we had.

I have no happy memories or photos, but we're still happily married years on. A lot of the perfect weddings I've been to haven't lasted. Everyone wants their day to be perfect of course, I can't say I wasn't a more than a bit gutted about mine, but it really is what comes after that matters.

It’s just one day. I think many people feel disappointed with their wedding day because they put way too much emphasis on details that aren’t important- did you get married and were your friends & family there and all happy to witness this big moment in your lives? That’s the point of the day- don’t lose sight of it over minor details that really aren’t important. How ‘perfect’ can one day really be..? It’s just one day. Congratulations! Xx

It’s just one day. I think many people feel disappointed with their wedding day because they put way too much emphasis on details that aren’t important- did you get married and were your friends & family there and all happy to witness this big moment in your lives? That’s the point of the day- don’t lose sight of it over minor details that really aren’t important. How ‘perfect’ can one day really be..? It’s just one day. Congratulations! Xx

Yes, this is what's really important. It's just one day and doesn't reflect on the rest of your life. Or it shouldn't!

I wish you all the best in your married life. That’s what will matter in the long run.

Weddings have become so hyped up that it is almost inevitable that the day itself will have its disappointments - a bit like life really. And the knowledge that a lot of money has been spent also puts on pressure.

Personally I rather liked my wedding, in spite of the rain, and the dress my Mum made from a length of cotton material from the local market, and the fact that my period started in the morning, and the fact that we were dead poor so it had to be low key with just a few guests (but all of them close friends family whom we really wanted to be there). Oh - and the night of dreadful period pain!

I honestly think that big expensive weddings are almost set up to fail/disappoint.

Concentrate on the things that REALLY matter - you have committed to each other in front of your friends and family, you have a lovely little girl, and you are embarking on a new life together. There is absolutely no reason why it should be the best day of your life - there will be plenty of best days to come in your lives together.

Cogitate on this - my DD's wedding ended in A&E with them both in their finery - it was upsetting, but my take on it was that if they could weather that and a cancelled honeymoon then they were well set up to cope with life's ups and downs together. And so it has proved.

I had a semi similar experience. My mum fell over while getting dressed with me and did something to her wrist. I was really stressed/worried about her, she was in a bad way and paramedics were called. I thought she was going to miss the wedding and was distraught - wondering whether to cancel the wedding/whether insurance would cover it. She was okay in the end and drugged herself up to make it through- but I was hugely stressed and it affected the whole rest of the day. I still enjoyed myself and had fun, but I feel sad that something I planned for and was so hyped up had the sheen taken off it. I think it’s natural to have those feelings of disappointment but I try to look at the positives that all our nearest and dearest celebrated with us, my husband felt it was the best day of his life- and we got married.
I do see that I look strained in many photos and my dress wasn’t tied properly (only mum knew how to do it and she couldn’t with her wrist!), but I deliberately try to ignore this as much as I can.

I feel like I spent a lot of money on a day that could have been amazing if I had planned differently.

I think when we look forward to something so so so much, we can get over-invested. I’m sorry but it’s likely that you may have been disappointed whatever you did, if you think that spending a lot of money will lead to something “amazing.” We’re all human, and nothing is perfect.

I wish we could get rid of this "happiest day of your life" business. There's something wrong if that's really the best day of your life. Better than all the days where you achieved something important or did something wonderful, when what seems to be the cause of most happiness (or not) is how pleased you are with the photos.

Ah OP, I feel you.

My youngest was 1 when we got married, she was distraught and I ended up holding her during the ceremony, she pulled my flowers apart 😂 my dress barely fitted over my breastfeeding boobs and I didn’t realise until the day, squeeeeezed the zip shut. DJ we hired had a recent bereavement but still insisted on fulfilling the booking and was understandably miserable. And the photographer somehow didn’t get any photos of me with my mum - we specifically didn’t do posed photos but he was to get some of me with all my family and didn’t manage it. Then it took us about 8 months to get our photos.. oh and the baby woke up 11000000 times during our wedding night and we didn’t ever get any honeymoon as covid happened a few months later 🙈

I remember being stressed about a lot of this at the time but in reality this all faded quickly into focusing on married life. I bet I’m a few months you’ll look back on photos and not spot the dress issue etc.

The key is reminding yourself that it’s just one day that marks the beginning of your married life, and focusing on the marriage part as the next adventure now all the wedding planning is over. Must have been hard having to postpone etc due to covid so that’s probably played a part too.

Congratulations on your marriage!

No one except you cares about table decorations or your flower girl's accessories. No one.

Something has gone very wrong if you are focusing on details like this.

No one except you cares about table decorations or your flower girl's accessories. No one.

Ah yes but i care! I didn't pay enough attention to detail. I was very relaxed and it feels like i didn't do us justice/didn't do my best. But I'm not sure something has "gone very wrong". As i said, objectively i know it was a good day and the main thing is that i married DH!

Have you just seen the photos? I got a wave of misery when I saw our wedding photos. I just didn't look how I'd wanted to look. Maybe that's normal..?

I hated my wedding and regret doing it at all tbh, me and DH just wanted a short civil ceremony with tea and cake for seriously close family only, and that's only if they wanted to be there at all, no pressure. We were told that this was selfish and there had to be a big party, so we did it their way and as thanks we had:

1. The in laws left the reception before 9pm because they wanted to, this was ALL the in laws (my DH entire family).
2. My mother barely spoke to me, my dad went missing and my sister got into a fight.
3. I don't have a single photograph with my family and they're all dead now.
4. the caterers wouldn't give me any of the hot food because they had served exactly 90 people and wouldn't be serving anymore (they had plenty of food left)
5. the "selection of fresh cream cakes" that was supposed to be part of the evening buffet was a single box of frozen desserts from Iceland. That buffet cost £600.
6. my dress didn't fit, my friend was supposed to help me put it on but disappeared, my mum and sister didn't want to help.
7. I was worried about taking the gifts and all the rest home from the venue. My MIL said don't worry I'll take care of that, but she left and when I did ask for help she said "and?".

I still regret getting married to this day, it was a fucking joke. It's been more than 10 years 🙄

I get it OP, it's not a rational or particularly healthy feeling, of course you should focus on the marriage and the positives as people are telling you but it's not always easy, there's a lot of pressure on a wedding day and something inevitably goes wrong, and I think it's quite natural when you're in that slightly flat, 'come-down' period to focus on that and not the positives. I get the same sort of feeling to a lesser extent after holidays, birthdays, Christmases, days out as well. And some of my younger relatives who have recently got married feel similar too, even though honestly as an objective observer their weddings were wonderful, the 'imperfections' barely noticed by anyone other than them and they look absolutely beautiful in the pictures, still they say 'oh but look my hair's out of place in that one', 'this one I'm looking the wrong way', 'that one you can see where DH spilled his drink' or whatever minute details they're zooming in on, almost like our brains can't cope with the idea of perfection so they have to find something wrong or to improve on

I think the idea of dressing up in your wedding clothes again, get your dress properly fitted and take some new snaps is a nice one, also I do think if you just stop looking at the pictures for a while then come back to them 'fresh' you'll be able to see all the lovely parts, the happy smiling relatives, the look on your DH's face etc. rather than the things that were less nice. And you might even be able to laugh e.g. at how apparently opposed your DD was to her getting married. 20 years on it's still one of our favorite family anecdotes how then 3yo DD1 essentially ruined DD2's christening party (which we'd spent no little time and energy arranging and had tried really hard to make nice for DD1 too) by screaming blue murder all.day.long. and spending the majority of her time when not screaming trying very hard to upstage her sister by stripping off and running around naked, before going in again for another round of screaming when prevented - she was overwhelmed basically by change in routine, all the dressing up in nice clothes, older relatives wanting to fuss over her but also was not very pleased at all (understatement!) that someone other than her was the centre of attention, not very funny at the time as I just felt frazzled and guilty and like the world's worst mother all day long and I'm guessing something similar happened to you but we all laugh at it now including DD2! I'm guessing you'll feel the same eventually!

The worse the wedding the better the marriage - goes the aphorism

So I hope you have many long happy years

I did the same thing, I obsessed over certain elements of my wedding for a few months after, my concerns were mostly relating to timings on the day and not having professional photos with some people. I knew it had gone well but wanted it to have been perfect (probably impossible!) I even looked up actual wedding disaster stories to try and find perspective but I continued to mull over it.

Thankfully I did eventually stop after a few months and now 6 years on I look back on it very fondly and wouldn’t change anything. It will pass don’t worry.

Of course the main thing is that you married him - that was my point!

I mean that something is wrong if you are obsessing about these details. They didn't matter at the time and they don't matter now.

@BloodAndFire I don’t necessarily think it means anything is wrong. I’m married 6 years now and all is well. I mulled over the details for a few months after the wedding. I knew it was illogical but did it all the same.

I do think it is my personality though and not claiming it is healthy , I’ve done the same with other important events/holidays. Perhaps OP and others here are similar. However I don’t think it means something is amiss in the marriage/relationship.