I really wanted to get married but...

[fightforIt1]

I have finally found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. (This situation doesn't change this).
We are really happy, lived together for 4/5 years, had fabulous holidays, we are always laughing, make financial investments together. We have always said we wanted to get married and have children and I was really looking forward to it. However time was moving on and he didn't propose. When I brought it up (which has only been a few times) he would always say the time had to be right for him.
Due to our age we decided to stop taking contraception thinking it may take a while to get pregnant but you guessed it bam! Straight away...... we are both thrilled about the baby but I have now found out he had bought a ring and planned a trip away to propose. This all seems fine but its really changed my view on things. I don't want to get engaged whilst pregnant as it feels like a 'he had to situation' and I really feel that I would want our child to be at least 5/6 (quite independent) for me to relax enjoy our wedding (not picking up etc).
He said the time has to be right for him but now it isn't right for me.... is it reasonable for me to ask him to wait and see how i feel over the next few years or should we just pop to the registry office and get it done?

Read up on the differences between marriage and cohabitation, and decide which is for you (important if you want to take time out from work, or any other arrangements which affect your career/earnings/pension)

In your shoes, I'd marry before DC is born, but if you don't want to then of course it's reasonable to wait until you are both ready

I think you’re both BU
why does the time HAVE to be now for him? Why wasn’t it all the times you wanted it. But now it suits him it has to be now? I’d be irritated by that

but I also don’t understand why you’ve wanted to get engaged for so long and you presumably believe he wants to be with you? So your theory that he had to do it now rather than he wanted to has no basis…unless it does in which case you have bigger issues. But I’m not sure why he’s not trying to reassure you

And I’m also not sure why it’s no longer good timing for you and you want to wait a few years ‘to see how you feel’ …see how you feel about what?! Him?!

I’m also not sure why you hadn’t discussed this possibility really too but hindsight is everything

Just get married FFS! You both want to, and there's a DC to think about now too. Just get married!

Just get married. You want to marry him, he wants to marry you. Do it. And asap - especially if you’re considering being a SAHM at any point in the future.

Just get married, it sounds more like you want a showy wedding day (worrying about having to pick up your child ?) than being married to a man you love and the father of your DC.

You have “finally found”?

but surely at least 6 years ago?

Just get married. You realise there’s more to the state of marriage than the wedding? Do it before the baby’s born then you won’t have to worry about picking them up…

Op given you have investments together and a child I do think you should have the legal protection that marriage will give you.

I'd get married before baby arrives.

Or before you know it you could be 10 years down the line. Baby 1 then Baby 2 and then waiting for them to grow up a little.

Financial priorities change too and the wedding will keep getting pushed to the bottom of the pile.

I got engaged and married whilst pregnant due to wanting to start to TTC quickly after I miscarried an unplanned pregnancy.

He certainly ‘didn’t have to’ because look at all the men who don’t marry their baby’s mums after years. It’s definitely not a source of shame any more.

We had a lovely registry office thing with a couple of witnesses, and we’ll have our proper big celebration in December.

I don’t really see what the problem is.

Just seen this:

”He said the time has to be right for him”

red flags

are you sure he was going to propose? Anyone can say they had bought a ring.

Mine were 2 and 4 when we got married. Bloody nightmare. I'd booked my mum a room in our hotel to have both wvicj she agreed too bits in advance but she left before the reception started. As did my brother. I was sat on the dance floor with both dds lol.

Sounds like the script for an episode of Eastenders

Congratulations on the baby.

You and he both know it isn't a "had to" situation, so you are only really worried about how it looks.

I can promise that when you are knee deep in nappies, the fact that great aunt Marge might have had a passing thought about your engagement will matter not a jot.

Get married now, have a massive party for your next significant birthday.

Only on MN are you not allowed to envisage your wedding day as being anything less than a quickie registry office wearing a frock from Primark. Life has to be lived as perfunctory as possible. Frippery and ‘silly’ dreams are for idiots.

While back in the real world, I hate to break it to you, but many, many women, even intelligent ones, dream of their wedding day and what it might entail. Mine was amazing, the memories we have of that wonderful day will be cherished forever.

Get rigetta married now and have a big wedding later :) legal protection now, big party later!

Registry …, sorry fat thumbs.

When I met my now DH we knew time was ticking on for us fertility wise so started ttc quite early on, once we were sure about each other and knew it was for keeps.

It took a while and meanwhile we started planning a wedding. I remember tying myself in knots thinking well if I get pregnant then, I’ll be x months old pregnant at the wedding or I’ll have a newborn etc etc. Although by this point we were beginning to accept it wasn’t going to happen full stop.

By some miracle we managed to get / stay pregnant and it couldn’t have been worse timing in some ways, I was about 9 weeks pregnant, bloated, sick, couldn’t drink, ridiculously anxious and not particularly able to relax and enjoy the build up/ day/ honeymoon.

But none of it mattered a jot, we had a fabulous day and now have an amazing DD and I wouldn’t change any of it. It’s actually quite nice getting married when you are pregnant, despite all I said above it actually felt extra special. And I’m so glad we have the legal side of things taken care of, particularly as I took extended mat leave and have only gone back part time for the first few years anyway.

Also I know loads of people who thought they’d take care of the wedding at some point once the baby was born and it hasn’t happened years later.

In your shoes I’d absolutely go ahead and get married. But then I was never one for ‘the time has to be exactly right’ either - I was with one of those for 12 years in the past, the time was apparently eventually right and we got engaged but never actually made it to the wedding, he was shagging someone else before we got that far 🙄 So that’s definitely coloured my view - these days I really believe if you want to be married (either/ both of you) then you go ahead and do it, all the faffing about perfect timing is just a distraction.

@Ohthatsexciting oh great

In your position I’d get married now (especially if you are the lower earner) at a registry office for the legal protection, then have a big wedding / vow renewal in 5 years.

congrats on the pregnancy!

Sorry but it does! Mum and brother leaving before the wedding
leaving children that mum had promised to care for with you
And you sat in the middle of the dance floor with both children!

i am presuming your mother and brother left you high and dry before the reception not in…. Let’s say peaceful Circumstances

Get married if you are the lower earner and need the financial protection. If you're the higher earner then there is no need to get married, unless you want to.

You can always do the wedding do at a later date. Going to registry office with your bestie is fine for now.

DIL finally got married 6 months pregnant with the second child, just get married have a party, there is never a right time just do it!.

No fall outs

I'd still say get married, they have assets together. And Op is likely to want to take maternity leave so becomes the lower earner.

If one of them dies it means the other wouldn't need to pay inheritance tax. A million miles from what Op is thinking but it happens.