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Original poster

Getting married, but no proposal or ring - does it really matter?!?

44 replies

BCW03 · 06/06/2022 14:16

Been with my partner 8 years, and for the past few years he was dropping hints of us getting married. Due to me being divorced I kept shooting him down.
several times previously he said he couldn’t propose without a ring, but I told him I wasn’t really interested in marriage.
Recently i agreed to get married after a very brief and loose text conversation with him.
we have booked our wedding and registrar and planning all that comes with it, including another ceremony abroad.
There has been no proposal and no ring, and no conversation about a ring.
He knows I don’t care for a proposal, as I’m not into stuff like that. He’s not mentioned anything about getting a ring or whether I want one or not. I know he can afford one, and if he offered to get me one I’d probably tell him not to waste his money, but I’ve had some many comments on where’s your ring, and feel like I need to defend him, saying I didn’t want one, so people don’t think bad of him, but he doesn’t know this!

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 06/06/2022 14:20

If you've been clear ab

LauraNicolaides · 06/06/2022 14:33

Not really understanding your point. You're saying that neither of those things matter to you, right? But maybe what other people think about them does matter to you? In which case maybe talk to your partner, agree a story and buy a ring?

(Personally I wouldn't give a stuff what other people think!)

SenecaFallsRedux · 06/06/2022 14:41

What do you mean there was no proposal? Someone must have suggested marriage at some point if the two of you have decided to get married. A proposal post-agreement to marry seems a bit odd to me.

LynneBenfield · 06/06/2022 14:45

Agree with @SenecaFallsRedux

If you’ve agreed to marry there must’ve been a proposal from one of you? Unless you mean that there hasn’t been an Instagrammable “down on one knee in a lavender field with a balloon arch, dove release and floaty dress”…

iwannascream · 06/06/2022 14:57

Just tell people you are waiting on your wedding ring. Have you been and looked at wedding rings, as you can get lovely bands with diamonds in which takes the place of an engagement ring if you don't want one.

LauraNicolaides · 06/06/2022 15:49

SenecaFallsRedux · 06/06/2022 14:41

What do you mean there was no proposal? Someone must have suggested marriage at some point if the two of you have decided to get married. A proposal post-agreement to marry seems a bit odd to me.

If it's not on Instagram it didn't happen! In some ways it's no different from wedding photographers staging posed photos of things like the signing of the register after it's happened rather than just taking a photo of people actually signing the register.

Johnnysgirl · 06/06/2022 15:56

Recently i agreed to get married after a very brief and loose text conversation with him
Clearly there was a proposal within the conversation that you agreed to?

Original poster
BCW03 · 06/06/2022 16:07

Actually, some people like myself don’t get involved the rubbish that is social media, and don’t condone having my private life plastered all over the media that can never be removed!
And just to clarify there was actually no proposal, no question, or even a suggestion about marriage.
if you can call him making the odd hint regarding why I’m watching something with someone mentioning marriage or spouse then each to their own to interpret things as they wish. But to me that is not the definition of a proposal

OP posts:
maxelly · 06/06/2022 16:15

Op don't forget this is MN (albeit on the wedding forum not AIBU) and this forum is very anti-proposal and anti-wedding in general (although very pro-getting married weirdly enough), and in MN land the approved procedure is to have an adult conversation, decide to get married, then do that in the least showy and spendy way possible which usually includes no engagement ring. No down on one knee or 'romance' or sentiment of any kind to be allowed Grin, which is why you are getting the 'head-tilty' - 'well you decided to get married so of course there was a proposal' responses. But well done you, you've done it the approved MN way!

Back in the real world however, every time any woman I know ever has got engaged, people have immediately (a) asked to see the ring and (b) asked 'how did he propose' so I can see why you're feeling like you are, I think the thing to remember is that people are only asking those things to make small talk, be polite, because it's the done thing, because everyone else is, because they think the person will want to show-off/tell the story etc., not because most people truly believe these are essential ingredients in two adults deciding to get married, when they engage the rational part of their brain anyway. They certainly won't be judging you or think you aren't really engaged if there's no ring or anything like that, though it's understandable you are feeling a little 'meh' about it compared to what mainstream society tells you to expect. I think you need to have an honest think about whether you are feeling generally the relationship is lacking in romance, care for one another or so on, if so I would have a talk with your partner about how you can bring that back. It doesn't have to be a bells and whistles down on one knee, huge rock on your finger and Instagrammable moment, you could exchange smaller, more meaningful gifts to mark the engagement, a different piece of jewellery each of you will actually wear would be nice, or something handmade if you are crafty or just a nice memorable day or evening spent together or some heartfelt words would be lovely. Or if you have all that and are very happy, it's only other people's reactions that are getting you down, just stop telling people, especially acquaintances or work colleagues, there's no law you have to. Or have some lines ready to trot out, 'where's the ring?' 'Oh I didn't want one we're saving to get a sports car/puppy/64 inch telly instead haha', 'how did he propose? On the big screen at the footie of course - not really it was just a sweet private moment haha' or similar, just to pass the moment over and show you aren't worried or bothered or anything...

merryhouse · 06/06/2022 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SiobhanSharpe · 06/06/2022 16:24

You answer thus
"where's the ring?"
I don't want one.
or
I'm getting a special wedding band.

"How did he propose?"
We both decided it was what we wanted.
or
Sorry, that's private. And leer suggestively, if you like

chunkymandarincoulis · 06/06/2022 16:26

Just tell people that you didn't feel the need for an engagement ring because you have already been together for so long.

KangarooKenny · 06/06/2022 16:27

But you didn’t want a proposal, so why would he buy a ring ?
I assume you’ll get a wedding ring if you want one.

Frenchyfrog · 06/06/2022 16:27

So you didn’t want a big proposal and a ring, and you haven’t got either? I’m not sure what the problem is, sounds like he’s done everything you wanted!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/06/2022 16:30

Do you really think you're suitably matched if you can't say that you'd like a ring? Just tell him "Now we've decided to get married, let's look at rings."

StageRage · 06/06/2022 16:32

Why did you not want to get married?

Why are you now going ahead with getting married?

Why does your DP want to get married?

Of course you can plan a wedding without the trappings of ‘being engaged’.

ImAvingOops · 06/06/2022 16:38

Are you sure you want to get married though? Because you don't seem that enthusiastic. You don't have to have a ring or a big proposal but it's coming across to me like you've just fallen into it. To me there should be some feelings of excitement and something to mark it as special, which is what the ring signifies. Apologies if I'm reading it wrong.

Hugasauras · 06/06/2022 16:41

Sounds like us! Our conversation was something like: 'Now we have DD we should probably finally get married.'
'Shall I ring them on Monday and book a date?'
'Okay.'

And that was it Grin

You can still get a ring if that matters to you though. I had coincidentally seen one I liked around this time so we just bought that and I wore it as a sort of engagement ring.

Tbh no one asked to see my ring or about a proposal or anything, but if they had I'd just have said there wasn't one and I doubt anyone would have cared!

caringcarer · 06/06/2022 16:42

If he has not suggested one, and you don't want one, where is the problem? One of my sister's did not want an engagement ring. She does not like rings because her fingers swell. She never wears her wedding band either.

GlitteryGreen · 06/06/2022 16:44

I think it's fine if you're cool with it?

I am the opposite 😂 I get so annoyed with my DP casually bringing up the topic of marriage and 'when do you think we should do it?' etc. I have told him more than once that when he wants to ask me, he should just ask me, I don't want to sort it out like a business deal. I want to be asked properly!

ClocksGoingBackwards · 06/06/2022 16:46

Tell him you want a ring. Or better yet, choose a ring, send him a link, and tell him to buy you it. Or go shopping together for wedding rings, and buy one then.

If you’ve agreed to marry him, you deserve the rings.

AclowncalledAlice · 06/06/2022 17:04

I never had one either, didn't see the point in it. When anybody asked "where's the ring?" I always replied "in the shop where it's staying!"

Butteryflakycrust83 · 06/06/2022 17:09

I never had an engagement ring or a proposal, mainly because i find the whole concept that the woman is waiting for the man to be ready to commit, but also because we were in a long term relationship and we knew what we wanted? Happily married for six years and our wedding day was lovely and romantic.

Just tell people you dont want one if you dont?

RubricEnemy · 06/06/2022 17:12

The only thing that matters is what matters to you, and to him. So you both agreed, as a mutual decision, to get married. He has not proposed, nor have you. You are not doing engagement rings.

If this is all ok by you -and it was ok by me - then tell people just that. We decided together. I don't have a ring. Done.

If you feel that he is not making enough effort/taking you for granted/railroading you into marriage without a proper discussion or whatever - then object. To him.

The only expectations that matter are yours.

IamupInSpaceMan · 06/06/2022 17:19

We've been married since the eighties, no engagement ring or proposal, just a discussion in a pub that we felt it was what we both wanted.
I bought myself a cheap gold wedding band because I wanted to wear one once I was married.
We'd been boyfriend/girlfriend for five months and he'd recently moved in with me.
I have got a beautiful eternity ring that dh bought when our third child was born. I didn't have a clue he was getting it and it's engraved with our DC names.