Would like to chat about wedding ideas with people, but they all tell me my way is wrong

[ColourfulOnesie]

That was a long title but didn’t know how else to put it

Basically people keep asking me how wedding planning is going, so we start to tell them little ideas we’ve had or things we are thinking of, only to then have to sit and listen to how they would do it, what they did at their wedding, how what we want is too expensive or not the traditional way, why are you inviting that person, why aren’t you inviting this person or something else negative and I end up annoyed and desperate to change the subject

I know the answer; stop talking about it, but I really actually want to talk about it, and bounce some ideas around, I’m excited and it’s a lot to plan and would like a bit of a sounding board and to be able to say ‘what do you think?’ But people just want to push their opinions on us and it’s really annoying me now

There’s also a family member who keeps very aggressively telling me to do what I want, but then goes into a big spiel where they tell me what they think I want and that I should just do that!

Does anyone else find this? Or do you have normal helpful people in your lives who you can chat with?

Forget talking to anyone about it in real life. Plenty of people on here you can bounce around ideas with.

At the end of the day, it's YOUR day. You don't want to look back on it with regret so make sure that isn't going to happen.

What ideas did you have that have been pooh-poohed?

Have you chosen bridesmaids? That’s what they should be for - to listen, support but not tell you what you should do. If you haven’t chosen them yet, use this to guide you in who you choose!

As for family members, I.e mum and future MIL - the less you say the better! And if they offer opinions anyway, nod and smile, say ‘that’s interesting’, then ignore and focus on what you want.

I was told I must have fruit cake, bridesmaids should wear long dresses, reception drinks should be a certain drink etc. Luckily I have the kind of relationship with my mum that I could say no, I want this etc.

Stick to your guns!

Do it your way. As long as the legalities are covered there is no 'wrong' way.

Sign the register. Don’t have more guests than you can afford to feed properly. Everything else is up to you.

You don't want to talk about it though, you just want to monologue at people.

you have the option of saying 'fine thanks' OR discussing it, but people will put their oar in if you give them the option to.

you should listen, not dismiss them out if hand. If you already know what you want, whether it's for the best or not, just say 'fine thznks' & do whatever you want. But don't blame anyone for 'not telling you' a better/nicer/cheaper way of doing something.

Ah thank you all - what is it about weddings that make people a bit crackers? When someone has talked to me about theirs in the past I’ve tried to be positive and only offered an opinion or alternative ideas when I’ve explicitly been asked!

The guest list is the biggest thing atm, basically I don’t speak to many (if any) of my extended family, no fallings out I’ll speak to them if I see them but I’m the youngest in a very large family so I just don’t have much of a relationship with many people, I don’t have anyone’s phone numbers or anything so there’s very few I’ll be inviting which is absolutely infuriating my Mum she wants everyone down to my dead grandparents siblings there! They wouldn’t even know who the invitation was from if they opened it and saw mine and my fiancees name, why would I invite them?! Then there’s other people who I speak to that she doesn’t because of silly fallings out, so she’s furious that I’ll be inviting them and keeps saying ‘well this will be an interesting day’

Other ideas which aren’t ‘right’ with different people are; we don’t need table names numbers are what’s usually done, having casino tables at night time (fiancée proposed in Vegas so we wanted these for that reason) we don’t need a four tier wedding cake (we have 4 children and we want each to choose a flavour for each tier) the people sitting at the top table aren’t ‘right’, me making a speech isn’t traditional, you have to have a first dance (that neither of us want to do) … and on and on

Why ask if you’re just not going to like anything?!

@JuneJubilee I absolutely do not want to monologue
If someone said to me ‘what are you thinking for a colour scheme?’ For example I would say oh we’re thinking of green or blue what do you think out of the two? Only to be told ‘oh you can’t have blue that’s bad luck, great aunts joans daughter had green and it really washed the bridesmaids out don’t do that why would you think that? At my wedding we had pink and it was perfect and everyone said it was the best colour, your colours won’t be right’
I would like a conversation with people, I’m finding I’m actually being monologued at myself

I’m excited and it’s a lot to plan and would like a bit of a sounding board and to be able to say ‘what do you think?’ But people just want to push their opinions on us and it’s really annoying me now

Why ask if you're just not going to like anything?!

Both are direct quotes from your posts.

So, do you want a sounding board, or don't you ?

Why are you asking people, if you don't want their opinions ?
As JuneJubilee said, you could just say "all fine thank you, everything's sorted / coming along nicely....how are you?"

@Kite22 because there’s a big difference in saying ‘oh that sounds nice, you could also maybe do xyz I’ve seen that before which looks nice to’ and ‘no that’s wrong/stupid/too expensive/not the way it should be done’
i haven’t actually directly asked anyone yet because of the responses I’ve had when I’ve mentioned vague ideas as an asset to people asking me about the wedding - but I’m saying I would like someone to discuss things with, but don’t feel I can when everyone just wants me to do it their way
I would like to be able to say ‘I’m thinking of doing this but I’m not sure if it will fit with my theme what do you reckon’ without being told to change my whole theme because it’s not what they would’ve chosen

As an answer* not an asset 🙄

I totally get it. What you want is a light hearted tone. A back and forth. Optimism and positivity, excitement. Questions. You don't just want yes people but you want happy conversations where ideas are considered. You want to walk away feeling like - maybe the green isn't right, it's a good point they made about 'consider the lighting during x season'.
You don't want to walk away feeling like you've just been eye rolled at and chastised for your stupidity for 20mins.

I get it. I was you.

I don't know what the solution is. I tried everything and it didn't get me anywhere. But I hear you and its utterly depressing and sucks the joy out of it all.

One tip with the guest list - we had a family member do this, so we said - we've reached the limit on our budget for guests unfortunately but we have space to fit extra tables. You're welcome to invite whoever you want, the more the merrier, the cost per head is £££ (make sure you include alcohol and additonal table linen, chair hire, centre pieces etc) - so if you want Mrs Darcy, Great Aunt to Betty and her entire family to be invited, you'll need to pay for her/them etc. If you transfer x amount for each additional person you want to invite, then we'll send the invite. If they decline we'll reimburse you. It worked a charm when we were in that scenario. Suddenly these oh so important people became less important 'after consideration'. Strange that, huh?

If it's any consolation we had a beautiful day in the end.

I didn't invite distant relatives, we had carnival games as an evening reception instead of a band and I did a speech. We didn't do a first dance and had coronation street characters as table names.. and everyone said it was the best wedding they'd been to in ages (including a friend who got married the week before us!)

You do you OP, I think you're ideas are brilliant!

You can talk to us! Tell us your ideas and we can chat about it here

I love weddings and I wish I could do it again, but I've been married twice so I've had my fair share!!! So exciting planning it all and the run up to the big day.

Don't talk to people about your wedding. If they ask, respond with a non-committal answer.

Have you picked your colour scheme yet? We have a few in mind. What cake are you having? We're looking at some ideas. That kind of thing.

TBH as long as you get married and there's a bar no one really gives a shit about the rest of it all when the day arrives.

Love the four tier cake to let each child choose a flavour. Perfect.

Those all sound like great idea.

Went to a wedding with table names, it was fun.

Also been where bride gives speech - I loved it!

Absolutely yes to 4 tiers, 1 for each child! To choose!

First dance is up to you. I love talking weddings and babies!

Casino night is always a great idea!

Btw, yes to the advice, be non committal with people who ask. I learned that early on. Sometime told me I had to have a specific brand of sparkling water! From that point, I rarely shared. Sad because I would have loved to talk about it. But people want their vision, not yours...

[I want] to be able to say ‘what do you think?’ But people just want to push their opinions on us
So you want to ask people what they think but for them to answer you without giving you their opinion.
Perhaps just people you just need them to agree with everything you say because you want positive confirmation not actual input.

So you ask what they think of your colours then get annoyed when they give their opinion?

If you only want positive comments then you need to tell people, otherwise they're going to try to be helpful by giving their actual opinion.

It’s not that I only want positives it’s the tone which obviously some people are refusing to understand

@Bigbro1 You absolutely got it, you totally understand what I mean

Thank you all for opinions

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave that was an example of how things are going (as it says) I haven’t actually asked any opinions from anyone yet, they’re shoving their opinions down my throat at the very mention of the wedding

Its been like this -
what are you thinking for your theme?
we’re going to do casino tables
that won’t work, that’ll only be fun for the men, that’s not very you etc etc etc

So no questions, but negativity being thrown around anyway

I was saying I would like to talk and ask people’s opinions, but I can’t with the current tone that has been set

And yes there is still a difference in people not liking my choice and saying so tactfully than people saying it is flat out wrong

Well I'm confused because in your example you specifically asked for their opinions.

Maybe just pick one friend and tell her you only want positivity and ask her to be your sounding board.

I don’t see why people are so wilfully misunderstanding you OP. To give an analogy, If I was trying on two outfits and one person said that they preferred outfit a) and had I considered trying something similar but with a longer sleeve, then that is a useful opinion. Someone who told me they hated both and I should only ever wear black because that’s what they wear and ‘everyone thinks it’s the best colour to wear’ I would never go shopping with! Sounds like you have that type of person around you at the moment.

I get it. It’s about tone. Thing is, when people ask about the planning they don’t want to hear about yours - they want to tell you about theirs! Could you take it as a prompt like that?
What colours are you thinking of?
Ooh, we’re still weighing up options, what colours did you have Auntie Alice?

Then for enthusiasm and boosting, look to your bridesmaids or online:
I’m thinking about blue or green, what do you reckon?
Ooh, they’ll both be amazing, blue’s so classic but green’s so natural, would you have all the flowers white if you went with a green theme?