Will I regret the small wedding?! Help!!!

[newbie2003]

Please help as I’ve got my head into a right spin!

My partner and I got engaged in 2019 but decided to hold off on the wedding planning as we wanted to focus on having children and we were really lucky to get pregnant quickly.

After our daughter was born we then started planning a really small wedding for just 9 of us (our partners, siblings and their partners) this May to fit with COVID restrictions. However this still sadly had to be cancelled.

The wedding has been postponed to November this year but I’m having doubts and I’m worried I’ll regret not having the big wedding day I always thought I’d have! Part of me loves the idea of an intimate ceremony with just family especially as I can’t face shelling out 20k plus on a big do now we have our LO. I think it could be really special but I’m also worried I’ll regret not doing something bigger or that with such a small number of people it might just get awkward?!

Our families have met and I’m sure they’ll get along on the day but my SIL and her partner are particularly awkward and I’m so worried how they’ll fit into the day.

You'll be fine - it's perfectly normal to have concerns in the run up, but just remember that loads of people regret having bigger weddings. I wish we'd done ours smaller!

Yours sounds really gorgeous, and you'll have a lovely day.

My DH and I got married last year we had 9 guests plus our 2 DC. It was the most perfect, relaxed day and everything we could have hoped for. The only thing we did differently is we didn't invite family. Our families are quite large so we knew we couldn't invite one without inviting everyone so had our closest friends and their DC and that was it.

Do you want to get married, or do you want a big fancy bells and whistles wedding? 20K is a lot of money that will, realistically, not get you anything but some nice photos.

My DD was in your position last year. Big wedding postponed twice. In the meantime the costs on doing up their first house were rising. Had a very small lockdown wedding in the end which was a wonderful day which we all loved and was just the best experience. She loved it, all the family loved it, no awkwardness of who to invite, and where to seat them, and who didn't like what to eat. She saved a small fortune, we all had a wonderfull meal out afterwards in a private room - best decision they could have made. She doesn't regret her lack of big fancy wedding for a minute.

We had a small wedding and it was wonderful. Decide if any elements of a bigger wedding matter to you and go ahead and include them. If you want a big poofy dress, you can still wear one. Fancy photographer, you can still hire one. For us, we wanted really good food and a pretty venue so we arranged a private meal at a really high-end restaurant on the night of the week they were normally closed.

We had a tiny wedding: 9 guests including our 9mo DD. It was perfect for us - we got to spend quality time with everyone and we spent the money we might have spent on a big wedding on an extension instead, which has been far more useful! We had a lovely day.

I personally think you would regret more having to pay back thousands for a day's celebration. Great if you can afford it but absolutely unnecessary. Pro small wedding here, I think they are fab :) Now, 10 years down the line, wish we even went smaller than 30 people and eloped just the two of us.

I'm saying "having to pay back" as we would have needed to borrow money. Sorry, I realise not everybody needs to borrow money for the bug do, but even then, all the money can go towards a house, car, holiday etc...

No, I don't think you'll regret a small wedding. I regret having a big wedding. I find it embarrassing that we made such a fuss now and wish we'd had something small and intimate. And I flinch when I think of the money spent and what I'd use it for now.

Thank you everyone.. it’s so good to get some perspective. Particularly from those of you who loved their smaller wedding. I think I’m going to go ahead- the beauty of this is it will feel so intimate. That and we can break away from tradition and we can pretty much personalize it however we like!

Then if still feel like we’ve missed out we can always have a huge 40th birthday party in a few years time

@newbie2003 you should do whatever wedding you want. That being said, it's hard to know what you want I think until
you get there. We thought we wanted a big wedding (and by big I'm talking max 100 guests so not huge) with all the bells and whistles. It's now just under 3 weeks away and I kind of regret that - I'm massively massively stressed. I can't wait to be married to DP, but there's definitely a part of me that is wishing we did something smaller and simpler, as the fact we're getting married is the important thing. I'm sure in my case it's partly coloured by the current stress (how naive I was - I didn't really believe people saying how stressful it is, I thought as long as we're organised it will be fine, but there's so much unforeseen stuff (well, a global pandemic for one) and unexpected emotions). So if you think that something small and simple is what you want - whilst I can't know for sure, I would bet that your gut feeling of what you want is right. Don't worry about regretting something because it's what you think people expect of you.

I think I’m going to go ahead- the beauty of this is it will feel so intimate. That and we can break away from tradition and we can pretty much personalize it however we like!

Then if still feel like we’ve missed out we can always have a huge 40th birthday party in a few years time

Exactly.
Your wedding plan sounds lovely.

Because of covid our small wedding (30 guests) became tiny (2 witnesses and I was 36 weeks pregnant). I loved it.

I just came onto this board to post a thread with an identifical title! I can completely relate to your dilemma, OP.

We're planning an even smaller wedding than yours - the two of us with his Dad and my Mum as witnesses. His stepmum will hopefully agree to wait outside with our toddler because neither of them will be allowed in! We'll all go out for a fancy lunch afterwards and then me and DH will go away to very nice spa hotel for the weekend.

I'll be 32 weeks pregnant with #2, and like you, we've realised that we'll never be able to justify the expense of a "proper" wedding now we have a mortgage, endless DIY and two children. But we both really want to be married. Our families are too big and complicated to do even a 20-person wedding without it becoming hugely stressful and political, so this is our only option.

I'm also worried we'll regret it - we have form for never celebrating anything properly. Our daughter's birth, milestone birthdays, our first house, our engagement - all passed without any fuss at all. But we're happy with a quiet life so maybe getting married in almost-secret is a very "us" thing to do.

Your wedding plans sound beautiful to me, OP, and you sound like you've thought it through. If you do feel some sadness, you can always throw a massive party for a wedding anniversary. Good luck, and congratulations!

Have a small wedding and then if you feel remorse have massive 1st anniversary party.

I had a large-ish DIY wedding and although it was a great day I would never want to do it again. All the organisation is very stressful, you're either taking on loads of work or offloading it onto loved ones. There's a heightened feeling of pressure and responsibility when so many people are giving up their day/weekend for your day. Honestly I wouldn't do it again if I were in the position too in the future.

I’ve been married twice and I cringe at big weddings and weddings that take more than a year to plan.

It’s not about the wedding, it really isn’t. Marriage is a legal commitment and about much more than one day and a daft frock, as lovely as they might seem.

Don’t waste your time and money on more than a party and spend the same amount of time (and not much more money) than you would on a really good party.

I’m also of the wedding-before-kids brigade, which I know isn’t helpful in this instance, but it gives you legal protections that cohabiting doesn’t.

(Might also be why my second wedding was arranged in 9 weeks and happened just 22 weeks before the baby was born… )

You already live together and have a child.

Honestly it's just a formality now. Don't waste the money. Just have a small wedding it'll be very special.

It really is up to you and don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't want a big wedding if you do!
We had to have a small wedding due to COVID rules and did our utmost best to make it special. The guests who were there really enjoyed it and several mentioned they preferred the experience to big weddings. We had a lovely day but I absolutely still regret not having had that one moment in life where I was able to gather all my friends, from all periods of life, around me.
If I had the choice, I absolutely would have had a "big" wedding and we're hoping to organise a big gathering some time in the future - although it will never be the same.

One thing I'd say is what elements of the big wedding do you want? I think one of the mistakes people make with "small" weddings is thinking they have to downgrade literally everything. If you're happy with a small guest list, but secretly pine for that Cinderella moment, then get that amazing dress. Don't listen to anyone telling you an understated dress is more suitable for a small venue.

Do you want the beautiful pictures? There are plenty of ways to ensure you get spectacular shots regardless of the size of your wedding. Do you like flowers? Then get amazing flowers. Or if you're a foody, take them to an amazing restaurant.

There are also ways of taking advantage of small weddings to do things you couldn't with a larger crowd. We spoilt our guests with lots of goodies and were able to make everyone's experience comfortable by for instance covering the cost of the bridesmaid hotel / mum's makeup or compensating friends who contributed in different ways. When you have a larger wedding, you do find yourself cutting corners a bit more and I know I've often felt "used" by friends who wanted me to apply my skills in many ways to enhance their day!

I'd also say that big weddings don't have to cost that much. There are plenty of "tricks" you can use to reduce the costs including such as hosting the reception in a privately owned space such as someone's barn or garden or a church hall. This means you can buy your own alcohol, find good value for money catering (example a hog roast or giant paella), and do the decorations yourself ahead of time.

We just had a small wedding of 28 ( I know that's bigger than yours but still small) because of not knowing what restrictions would still be in place and it was honestly perfect. We got to spend time with all our guests, I wasn't stressed in the slightest and a few guests commented that if they could go back they would do the same.

I got married last year. Including us there was 13 in total. It just so happened it fell during the pandemic (we got engaged and then married within 6 months) but id have still done it the way we did. It felt amazing after looking back to know we had as special a day than someone who perhaps paid £20k. It was just perfect for us. And we had the more important people there and that's what mattered the most.

None of us can say.
My dc, and dn and so many of their friends are in the "settling down" stages of their lives and we've had various actual and also hypothetical discussions about what they will do. It is very much down to the individuals.
On MN I see lots of threads of people that 'don't want attention on them', and then also lots of threads where people don't have friends, and where people don't belong to anything. For both those groups, an intimate wedding sounds perfect, but for other people - people who have several groups of friends, or people who have grown up close to similar age cousins, then they want to share special occasions with larger numbers - those people might well regret not inviting them.
None of us know what you and your df are like.

If you want to include lots of extra people, you can hire a hall that night, and go on from your meal to a larger party, which needn't cost very much at all. A wedding to include more people needn't be a formal sit down meal for everyone.

But if you're posting on a forum and already concerned then that's an indication that you already, have doubts with what you are doing.

Exactly as someone said, it's not about the wedding it's the marriage. We got married abroad partially to avoid having to have a large extended family event, partly because financially I refused to spend that much on one day (but then I'm not one for the romance of it!). We had a larger joint birthday/marriage party a few months after we got back which was great.
20 years later and I have never regretted it.

We just did the church ceremony last year and despite it being allowed at the time, we cancelled the reception. I don't have any regrets at all, best day of my life so far

I know people regretting big weddings, not the smaller ones. It's all up to you but I'd prefer a small and special ceremony rather than some mind blowing one either. As some of the pps here mentioned, the money spent on it would bring you nothing but a bunch of good pictures but that's what you can have with a smaller budget, too. Some of my friends basically eloped but also booked professional photo shoots and got beautiful wedding photos and Smartshow 3d videos from studios that looked like castles or big ballrooms. if a smaller ceremony for the close family and friends is what you want then go for it. It will save you a ton of money and the level of planning stress will be significantly lower.

I had a small wedding. It was great, around 30 people, nearly 20 years ago.

I had a big party a couple of months later, and that was also fun, wore the dress again, and it was a lot cheaper doing it like that.

No regrets at all.