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Original poster

AIBU- not invited to SIL's hen party

36 replies

Killeen88 · 09/03/2020 12:58

Hi,
I just wanted to get others views on this.

Today whilst at my MIL's house, I happened to glance at her calendar and saw she had written down the date that my SIL's hen do is taking place. Not wanting to cause a scene or be awkward, I didn't say anything.
I casually asked my husband last night if his sister was having a hen party or not, to which he answered that he wasn't sure.... I left it at that!
My husband had been invited to his sisters Husband to be's stag do, which is a long weekend abroad.
I've not even heard a whisper regarding my SIL's hen do, let alone been invited.
I've been with my husband for 10 years and have always tried to make an effort with all his family and like to think of myself "liked" by them.
She is obviously having a hen party and usually my MIL tells me everything and more that she's not meant too... So the fact she's not even mentioned it, makes me think I'm not invited on purpose and she's trying to keep it quiet. :(

I have to admit, I'm quite upset that I haven't been invited, but I don't want to bring attention to it or cause any problems, so I won't say anything.
Am I right to be upset that I've been left out or am I being daft?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
canterburytales · 09/03/2020 13:06

I was the other side of this. I didn't invite my MIL or two SIL's to my hen (although I had a weekend with just my closest friends as I didn't want a big thing). For me the hen is for the final single get together of all the bride to be's closest nearest and dearest. I wouldn't be offended to be honest.

Midlifeargh · 09/03/2020 13:12

I see why you’re upset, but are you close friends? If not, I would try not to be. Often these things are just for very close friends.

(While I like weddings, I find hen parties a huge drag anyway and part of me would be relieved to not have to go to one and spend a fortune!)

Midlifeargh · 09/03/2020 13:12

(Try not to be offended, that is!)

MiddleClassProblem · 09/03/2020 13:16

Unless I was friends with SIL independently (as in choose to hang out just us etc), I wouldn’t invite her. I didn’t invite cousins etc on my hen either.

I think it just depends on the kind of family you are. For some it’s more about family and others it’s more about friends. I’m assuming she’s the latter.

IMO should be about you having a laugh with people you’re close to rather than obliged to.

Lipz · 09/03/2020 13:24

That's a bit hurtful. You are family and an invite would be nice. I went to all my sils hens and I really dislike them but smiled and went and joined in the fun.

I think, and I know this is spiteful, I'd arrange a family meal or something similar on that date and invite them all. See if anything is said. They don't know that you know about the hen's so they won't cop it.

canterburytales · 09/03/2020 13:26

@Lipz what would that achieve other than create an atmosphere? The bride to be can invite who she likes. Perhaps it has been kept quiet to stop an awkward situation. Only on Mumsnet are people so rife with creating drama where there isn't one.

Sprigware · 09/03/2020 13:30

It would have never occurred to me to invite my SILs or MIL to my hen -- I quite like them, but we're not friends or on terms where we would seek each other out outside of family occasions.

stickygotstuck · 09/03/2020 13:33

OP I think you're quite right to be upset/offended.

Same thing happened to me, except SIL did see fit to inform me of the general plan a few months before. Not a peep between then and the wedding though Hmm.

I was not offended, but was very upset. It was a statement of how little I mattered. I know my other SIL was shocked but I know they are close and I didn't bring it up with her. And certainly not with hen do SIL. Now I know all I need to know about her and feel free not to make an effort for her if I don't feel like it Wink.

That's the plus side. The down side is it aggravated a really bad bout of depression at the time. DC and DH were equally routinely ignored (although DH was invited to his brother's stag). We just don't matter to her or her family. It's sad as DC doesn't have a lot of family. In time though, I've come to see it as their loss!

The only excuse I can think of in your SIL's case is that she is only inviting a few very close friends and family, in which case she should have told you. Is she's not stupid she'll suspect that you could have a reasonable expectation to be invited.

Still she would do well to remember that you are close family. Or could have been. She may need you one day but no one could blame you if you were not inclined to help then.

DowntonCrabby · 09/03/2020 13:36

If she’s having a party with 30 family, friends, Janet from accounting YANBU.

If she’s having a small do with her own Mother, any Sisters and a few close friends then it’s fair you’re not invited to that unless you’re friends other than being married to her DB.

MaggieFS · 09/03/2020 13:37

Do you socialise with her outside of family events when your husband is present? If not, then I don't think you should be upset. Unless it turns out she's inviting 30 people! If it's a small gathering with just a few friends and her mum, I understand.

user1493413286 · 09/03/2020 13:38

I’d be hurt as well and if you’re close with your mil it might help to ask her. For my hen do I asked sil and other wider family members whereas for my sisters she has kept it very close friends and only me as family so there may be a particular reason she wants to keep it small

Thesearmsofmine · 09/03/2020 13:38

It depends on the kind of hen do she is having, if it just a small gathering of people she is very close with then I wouldn’t be bothered but if it is a big night out with loads of people then I would be upset.

Cohle · 09/03/2020 13:40

I wouldn't have occurred to me to invite my in laws to my hen do Confused

We get on well but it wouldn't have crossed my mind that they'd want to join me and my mates for a weekend on the lash.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/03/2020 13:43

I wouldn’t invite my in laws to my hen. Mind, I wouldn’t invite my own mum either

I really wouldn’t be offended about it

Icarriedawatermelon82 · 09/03/2020 13:45

I would be upset about it. I'd never dream of not inviting my sil to a hen party? Esp as invited the mil...

Xyzzzzz · 09/03/2020 13:46

I wouldn’t have invited my SIL. Unless you get along and hang out, alone outside of family gatherings I wouldn’t expect an invite.

GinAndNightnurse · 09/03/2020 13:49

How long away is it? It might just be that the date is pencilled in but invitations haven't gone out yet.

But assuming they have excluded you, what reasons might there be for that?

Are you still BFing a child that you would be uncomfortable with leaving for an overnight thing?

Do you not drink, while she and her friends are big drinkers?

Are you very shy, anxious or easily offended by things such as male strippers or whatever else might be on the agenda?

Have you had a falling out with any of her friends?

Anything else you can think of?

Honeybee85 · 09/03/2020 13:54

Maybe she don’t have the nice/ close relationship with her that you think you have. It’s her party and she should enjoy it and not feeling pressure to invite people she actually doesn’t want to be there.

But I do understand it’s shit and YANBU to feel sad about it.

Honeybee85 · 09/03/2020 13:54

Not she, you!

Spied · 09/03/2020 14:03

Some people think of hen do's as being the bride's 'side' of the family and friends.
The fact they haven't mentioned it however seems they are not in this camp and simply haven't invited you. Yanbu to feel upset.
I'd mention to them that you know and decline (politelyWink) any following invitation.

puds11 · 09/03/2020 14:07

Hang on. You don’t know for certain you haven’t been invited. She may have told her mother early before anyone else.

Original poster
Killeen88 · 09/03/2020 14:07

Thanks for all your replies.
To be honest I'm not sure how to take it.
I feel upset, as I invited my MIL and the bride (SIL), my other SIL and my husbands aunts to my hen party (they're a very close nit family, who regularly see each other).... They decided not to come due to money and work restraints, which was totally understandable.
Yet its not been reciprocated.
It's a long weekend trip away they're taking, from what was written on the calendar.
I've been included in the engagement celebrations (which was a close family affair) and other lovely celebrations for my SIL in the past.
I also feel like they've purposely not told me... As I've said.. My MIL literally tells me everything, so it's extremely unusual for her to not talk about this.
If she had said that she was just having friends and close family, I'd totally get it, but the secrecy has really made me feel sad and pushed out!

All in all, I won't say anything or behave any differently towards my husbands family. As I am very close. We visit them 2 times a week and my MIL cares for our sons 1 day a week so I can work, which is fantastically supportive and appreciated. I would hate to create a drama, that causes any issues. It's not my hen do and I didn't presume I'd be invited... Its just the secrecy that's upsetting.

OP posts:
MeepleMe · 09/03/2020 14:07

None of my SIL or MIL were invited to my hen do. Didn't even occur to me. It was for my close friends which included sister and 1 of my 6 female cousins. I didn't invite some of the other cousins as we're not actually friends outside of being related. Nobody was fussed at all. I didn't/don't expect to be invited to theirs.
OP did you invite SIL to your hen do?

MeepleMe · 09/03/2020 14:07

Sorry cross posted

jackparlabane · 09/03/2020 14:07

I thought hen dos were a few good friends of the bride, perhaps a sister if they might go on nights out together, but rarely any other family?

I'd never have expected to go on a SIL's one, and it didn't occur to any of my SILs either, though I get on very well with three of them. Don't over-think it!

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