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Original poster

How much do we contribute?

64 replies

KatieBenz · 20/08/2019 19:36

I haven’t been on this site for years, so go easy on me!
Eldest son is getting married in 2021. Originally, he and his fiancée were going to fund their wedding themselves, but now we have been asked to contribute. We were always going to give them money towards it (as a gift) or pay for their honeymoon, but it seems that we (and her parents) are now being asked to contribute a significant percentage. The ‘simple’ affair that they were originally talking about seems to be getting a bit out of hand. I don’t mind giving them £2-3k, but I’m reluctant to give anymore. What do you think?

OP posts:
Parky04 · 20/08/2019 20:09

Friends of ours gave their DD £10000 towards their wedding. They split up 3 months later!

Original poster
KatieBenz · 20/08/2019 20:13

Thanks you for your feedback. I think I’m going to go with my original figure (for now). x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2019 20:13

How much are they now planning to spend and are they going open handed to her parents as well? Wanting a bigger do than they’d planned before is fine IF THEY CAN AFFORD IT. What extras have they decided they want? No one can be shocked by needing a venue, food, clothes, rings and the cost of someone to officiate, though those things can be had for little. Are we in sweetie trolley and 7 tier cake territory?

Pay what you can afford, feel comfy with, and can match for other children.

Good luck, long engagements like this are a bloody ball ache to be around, the couple so often forget that no one else really gives a shit. In my experience there’s a direct correlation between long engagements and speedy divorces. Endless focus on “the big day” either keeps them distracted from flaws in their relationship or it wasn’t about being married in the first place.

The only good news is they have tons of time to save up and fund the bells and whistles they fancy cos it’s ages away... Grin

RezCowgirl · 20/08/2019 20:19

It's in 2021, they've got plenty of time to save up for the extra frills.

dreichhighlands · 20/08/2019 20:22

We got nothing from anyone and didn't expect to.

Alarae · 20/08/2019 20:27

We didn't ask and told everyone we were having a wedding we could afford ourselves.

PIL were extremely generous and gave us 5k, while my parents gave around 2.5k (2k honeymoon and 500 towards my dress).

PIL have given the same amount to all three of their children as well.

DaWeasleyWae · 20/08/2019 20:29

@dreichhighlands same.. I wouldnt have dreamed to ask my dad to pay a penny. Saying that though, in the end, we cancelled the 'big frilly wedding' and then didn't tell anyone that we'd booked to go registry office.. We told my dad and mil the day before we got married (I knew they would be free to come regardless and my dad had a snappy suit already 😂)

NoNameIdeas · 20/08/2019 20:29

My parents gave us 10k towards the wedding, my mum then paid for my dress and my aunt paid for my veil. Didn't ask for anything though!

joystir59 · 20/08/2019 20:30

Traditionally the bride's father would pay for the wedding.

MrsGrindah · 20/08/2019 20:34

joystir59Yes I think that’s well known but what’s your point?

AJPTaylor · 20/08/2019 20:44

I have 3 dds and have 3k in mind towards weddings. That's what I could afford to give each of them.

Fairylea · 20/08/2019 20:49

Surely they can save up themselves? Why should they expect parents to contribute?

Dh and I spent £5k on our wedding. We had 40 guests, did it in a nice hotel and had a sit down meal and after that guests were welcome to stay and party / drink. My dress was the cheapest part of it all - only cost me £150 from House of Fraser but I loved it! We hired the suits. Got someone to make a plain tiered cake and decorated it with extra flowers from the bouquet. You could even do it tons cheaper than we did and still have a lovely day.

I think they are cheeky asking.

50shadesofblackclothing · 20/08/2019 21:08

I think it'd depend on how they asked. 'Please will you contribute towards the wedding, X amount if you can' vs 'if you are thinking about giving us a cash gift please could we have it towards the wedding rather than after'
I'd love to give my kids 3k to start their married lives with, if they spent the whole lot of my contribution on the day I'd be upset. Maybe my thinking is a bit alternative because my DH and I eloped and the whole lot cost £200 (not including rings which we obvs bought each other) and we are no less married than my friend who spent 30k and are now in the process of divorcing. I'd be sad to lose 3,5,10k down the pan for one day.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/08/2019 21:15

Because they asked? I'd be less inclined tbh. Especially if it was "Can you give us X as we want this sort of day" rather than "if there is anything you can offer it would be greatly appreciated".

3k is incredibly generous (our whole wedding was 3.5k).

Rainycloudyday · 20/08/2019 21:18

My dad paid £15k towards our wedding and my in laws also gave us £10k (what wasn’t spent on the wedding itself was to go towards the honeymoon). My mum also bought my dress. I’m aware that it is an obscene amount for some people to spend on one day but if all parties involved can afford it then why not. Life is short and we had in incredible day. And most importantly I’d have happily married my husband at the local registry office wearing a bin bag.

But I would NEVER have asked anyone for a penny. That’s the Shock part of your OP, the amounts of money involved are neither here nor there as every family’s financial situation is different.

RosaWaiting · 20/08/2019 21:23

“To be fair to them, I don’t think they realised what extra costs would be involved”

They’re old enough to get married, they’re old enough to have figured out the costs. Dont let them take the piss.

Original poster
KatieBenz · 20/08/2019 21:32

Tbh, although we did say we would help, we didn’t immediately say how, when or what amount. I guess they are seeing the total rack up and are getting a bit nervous. They’re good kids and have saved a fair bit already, so I shouldn’t complain. Oh, for simpler times, when weddings meant a church service and then off to the local hotel or pub for some questionable canapés. I blame instagram and yes, I really do sound my mum now!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/08/2019 21:36

I'd tell them the figure sooner rather than later so they can winnow down their list of things to throw money at.

Fairylea · 21/08/2019 08:34

If they are wanting a big wedding because of social pressure / social media then they don’t sound ready to get married to be honest!

Fairylea · 21/08/2019 08:35

(I know that’s not what you said as such but I do think so much of the demand for huge weddings is due to that).

Treem · 21/08/2019 09:47

From our perspective (also planning a wedding). Its actually quite difficult to have a small wedding without excluding people who are important in your lives. We thought a medium sized wedding would be fine but our list of 'must have' people which includes family, close friends (along with partners and children) takes us to around 150 people. Then there are peripheral friends, older friends who played a big part in our lives, the more distant family who still send our kids presents for Christmas.

iklboo · 21/08/2019 10:14

My parents paid for my dress hire & the photographer, dad made the cake.

MIL paid for suit hire for DH, my dad, best man, page boy & usher

FIL paid for flowers & decorations

Shelby30 · 21/08/2019 19:02

I think that's actually rather cheeky to ask and puts you in such a position!

My parents gave us £2000 and in-laws £5000, they are a lot wealthier than my parents. My mum also paid for my veil which was quite expensive. We didn't ask for anything and certainly didn't expect it. We were very grateful for it.

My in-laws paid for my bil wedding (well hotel part which is the bulk) meal, drinks etc which would have probably been around the £15K mark. Our wedding was rather small though so they did actually pay for most of it although never asked us how much it was costing. I found this quite strange in comparison as they picked up the bill directly with the hotel for bil. Maybe as we had already booked everything and didn't discuss as we were going to pay it all.

Original poster
KatieBenz · 21/08/2019 19:57

Thank you for your comments which have been (mainly) helpful.
We have talked to them about our concerns and they have admitted that they had got a bit carried away with the idea of the perfect wedding. They are going to scale it down a bit and we have arranged a get together with them and her parents next month to discuss a battle plan. All good 🙂

OP posts:
whatthehelldowecare · 21/08/2019 20:44

My dad is contributing £5k to ours (and is now insisting he wants to additionally pay for a free bar) and my PIL 5k also. We never asked for anything and are overwhelmed by their generosity!