How much do we contribute?

[KatieBenz]

I haven’t been on this site for years, so go easy on me!
Eldest son is getting married in 2021. Originally, he and his fiancée were going to fund their wedding themselves, but now we have been asked to contribute. We were always going to give them money towards it (as a gift) or pay for their honeymoon, but it seems that we (and her parents) are now being asked to contribute a significant percentage. The ‘simple’ affair that they were originally talking about seems to be getting a bit out of hand. I don’t mind giving them £2-3k, but I’m reluctant to give anymore. What do you think?

[MrsRufusdog789]

Katiebenz
You're asking for the amount other parents contribute to the wedding day .
Firstly we offered 5K for our daughter to elope ( that's been a standing joke for years )
The couple then explored budget options - registry office - then small party at local cricket club - but that was surprisingly expensive tbh . and not very inspiring.
They then found their dream destination which offered a wedding package for 60 day guests and a further 40 evening guests . Lovely rustic setting - license for the ceremony inside or out - sole use of building for the day - three course wedding breakfast with half a bottle of wine per person - also welcome canapés on arrival with a glass of Prosecco . Hot food for all in the evening - AV and DJ - the venue's own wedding co-ordinator - special lighting etc . All for £6 K .
So we have given them some extra to cover this . Plus paying for her dress cake and flowers and the help of a wedding stylist so nobody apart from the people hired have stress on the day . Hopefully ! So all in all we have spent £8 K . On the basis we only have the one daughter . The groom's family have no need to contribute . If our son marries we would give him a generous wedding gift but would not expect to be part of planning his wedding or pay for any part of it . Particularly as we have given both our children hefty chunks of money for house deposits. Probably inequitable and sexist but that's us

[Soontobe60]

Both my DDs have been married in the last 3 years.
We gave them both the same amount of money up front, £1k, and paid for a few things along the way so probably stumped up double our original contribution.
I have no idea how much their in laws contributed, but I suspect one set more than the others due to their own financial situations. One wedding cost about £20k, the other £6k. Both were amazing!
They both asked guests for monetary gifts as they had their own homes and didn't need anything. That paid for their honeymoons.
When I got married we got loads of gifts that we just wouldn't have bought ourselves, and although we were grateful, they were a bit of a waste of money tbh.

[Sooverthemill]

Obviously the traditional way was the father of the bride paid for everything. But that was when it was also traditional for women not to work and for men to beat their wives. Weddings don't need to costs a lot. It's much better to work out what the budget is and then plan a wedding based on that. Like when you do your food shop.

[MrsMc2019]

My parents gave us £2k towards the wedding as a gift, bought my wedding dress, have paid for a drink for each guest at our evening reception and paid for my wedding car. We were able to pay for everything ourselves but they wanted to do this - my Dad was quite insistent.

[iwillkeepthishouseclean]

Laid for all of ours ourself !

[ourkidmolly]

I'm also confused as to who the future sil is?

[ourkidmolly]

Di you mean you want to invite people that your dd and fiancé don't want to invite?

[whatthehelldowecare]

@MoaningMinnie1 absolutely, but the question was what the OP should contribute, and everyone else is giving examples of what they gave/received by way of example. That's all I was doing x

[rookiemere]

My DPs kindly paid for our wedding, it was very kind of them. I didn't ask but DM said she had always wanted to do it. We tried not to be too extravagant as very conscious we were spending their money.

I'd want to contribute to my DS's wedding- why wouldn't I if I could afford it? OP I think you should give the £3k if you can afford to do the same for any other DCs, try not to get too involved in their choices.

[Elbels]

My parents want to have a conversation about how much they should contribute this weekend and I genuinely have no idea so this thread is quite helpful!

[MoaningMinnie1]

That's really good, whatthehell, but the OP may not have so much money as your dad and PIL. Parents usually do what they can afford which, of course, varies.

[whatthehelldowecare]

My dad is contributing £5k to ours (and is now insisting he wants to additionally pay for a free bar) and my PIL 5k also. We never asked for anything and are overwhelmed by their generosity!

[KatieBenz]

Thank you for your comments which have been (mainly) helpful.
We have talked to them about our concerns and they have admitted that they had got a bit carried away with the idea of the perfect wedding. They are going to scale it down a bit and we have arranged a get together with them and her parents next month to discuss a battle plan. All good 🙂

[Shelby30]

I think that's actually rather cheeky to ask and puts you in such a position!

My parents gave us £2000 and in-laws £5000, they are a lot wealthier than my parents. My mum also paid for my veil which was quite expensive. We didn't ask for anything and certainly didn't expect it. We were very grateful for it.

My in-laws paid for my bil wedding (well hotel part which is the bulk) meal, drinks etc which would have probably been around the £15K mark. Our wedding was rather small though so they did actually pay for most of it although never asked us how much it was costing. I found this quite strange in comparison as they picked up the bill directly with the hotel for bil. Maybe as we had already booked everything and didn't discuss as we were going to pay it all.

[iklboo]

My parents paid for my dress hire & the photographer, dad made the cake.

MIL paid for suit hire for DH, my dad, best man, page boy & usher

FIL paid for flowers & decorations

[Treem]

From our perspective (also planning a wedding). Its actually quite difficult to have a small wedding without excluding people who are important in your lives. We thought a medium sized wedding would be fine but our list of 'must have' people which includes family, close friends (along with partners and children) takes us to around 150 people. Then there are peripheral friends, older friends who played a big part in our lives, the more distant family who still send our kids presents for Christmas.

[Fairylea]

(I know that’s not what you said as such but I do think so much of the demand for huge weddings is due to that).

[Fairylea]

If they are wanting a big wedding because of social pressure / social media then they don’t sound ready to get married to be honest!

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I'd tell them the figure sooner rather than later so they can winnow down their list of things to throw money at.

[KatieBenz]

Tbh, although we did say we would help, we didn’t immediately say how, when or what amount. I guess they are seeing the total rack up and are getting a bit nervous. They’re good kids and have saved a fair bit already, so I shouldn’t complain. Oh, for simpler times, when weddings meant a church service and then off to the local hotel or pub for some questionable canapés. I blame instagram and yes, I really do sound my mum now!

[RosaWaiting]

“To be fair to them, I don’t think they realised what extra costs would be involved”

They’re old enough to get married, they’re old enough to have figured out the costs. Dont let them take the piss.

[Rainycloudyday]

My dad paid £15k towards our wedding and my in laws also gave us £10k (what wasn’t spent on the wedding itself was to go towards the honeymoon). My mum also bought my dress. I’m aware that it is an obscene amount for some people to spend on one day but if all parties involved can afford it then why not. Life is short and we had in incredible day. And most importantly I’d have happily married my husband at the local registry office wearing a bin bag.

But I would NEVER have asked anyone for a penny. That’s the part of your OP, the amounts of money involved are neither here nor there as every family’s financial situation is different.