How do you agree on a guest list?

[StrongInside]

Hi,

My partner and I have been dancing around the subject of putting our guest list in black and white because he doesn’t want to offend anyone. We both want a small relaxed wedding, both feel uncomfortable at the thought of loads of people watching us say our vows, and we have a tight budget due to having a baby.

We both have certain friends we stay in touch with regularly (2-3 each) and friends who we hang out with once or twice a year at someone’s birthday party.

I don’t have a big family at all (pretty much just my parents who will be able to attend our wedding) but my partner has dozens of aunties, uncles, cousins (most also have partners and kids). I hardly know any of them (maybe seen a couple of them briefly twice in ten years), and my partner isn’t close with any of them at all.

Then there is a sore point of his parents’ best friends. His Mum told me after we got engaged that she would want them there (4 people) because they have known him since he was a baby. My parents aren’t bringing any of their friends because a) it’s our wedding that we are fully paying for, and b) we are trying to keep the guest list to the closest people to us.

Then there are people whose weddings we have attended (one was for the grown up child of one of future MIL’s best friends who we hardly know, but we politely attended). We never even got a chance to speak to the bride and groom and felt that we were invited because the mother asked them to. Do we absolutely have to invite these people?? We aren’t even friends😕

My part of the list was easy to right down- parents and two close friends with partners (one also has a child). I could add more friends who are part of one big group (couldn’t single anyone out, would have to invite them all), but where do you then draw the line? Each has a partner, some have multiple kids of various ages.
My partner doesn’t want to offend his parents or his large distant family in case they find out about the wedding, but also doesn’t want to argue with me over this, so he is just avoiding writing the list.

It would cost an absolute fortune to invite everyone and would be a big wedding that we don’t want! Anyone here with a small guest list? How did you finalise it without arguing with your partner?

I am totally comfortable to say to his parents that this is a small wedding for our nearest and dearest, and if they don’t accept it straight away because they might have thought that their friends are guaranteed seats at the table, they will eventually have to accept it.

Brideof2020, yes, sorry wasn’t clearer. We have separate best friends who don’t know each other and then we have a mutual group of friends (all couples, so no plus 1s who we won’t know).

That’s the thing, I hope that those friends with kids (a minority of the group) will be able to get grandparents to babysit. Was planning on 2-3 nights for our family, partner and I, the rest of the guests could always just stay the night before the wedding to hang out together and the night of the wedding. Or even just the wedding night only. So childcare technically needed only for one night.

TeenTimesTwo, yeah, good point. People will know how close they are to us, and I am starting to see the benefit in just inviting family children. Never knew this was an option.

Paap1975, good tip. I was planning to only spend half of that per head, would never pay £50 for even my best friend🤭

AnchorDownDeepBreath, I am always amazed at how many people some people know! 250, wow! Congratulations on narrowing that list down😊

So will you have a child-free wedding? The cost in general and the need for entertainment will be big if we allow all the kids, plus some aren’t actually kids, they are in their late teens so can be left without childcare.

IggyAce, most venues are big and expensive, and I can’t stand packages. I want to find our own suppliers and feel can only look at venues and accommodation once we know how many people we are inviting. But I know what you mean about off season and limited numbers, so our date isn’t set at all and won’t want extra guests for sure.

HattieRabbit, thanks for sharing your experience! For us, having a small affordable wedding is pretty much the key thing. One of my partner’s relatives got married a few years ago and we only found out through the grapevine much later. We weren’t bothered at all that we hadn’t been invited and I hope this will be the case for most of his relatives who we aren’t close with. One of my best friends didn’t invite me to her wedding because it was a small family wedding. I don’t think my partner’s parents will need to phone round their siblings telling them they aren’t invited. If it comes up later that we got married, they can just say it was a very small wedding on a budget. Who can argue with that🤞