How do you agree on a guest list?

[StrongInside]

Hi,

My partner and I have been dancing around the subject of putting our guest list in black and white because he doesn’t want to offend anyone. We both want a small relaxed wedding, both feel uncomfortable at the thought of loads of people watching us say our vows, and we have a tight budget due to having a baby.

We both have certain friends we stay in touch with regularly (2-3 each) and friends who we hang out with once or twice a year at someone’s birthday party.

I don’t have a big family at all (pretty much just my parents who will be able to attend our wedding) but my partner has dozens of aunties, uncles, cousins (most also have partners and kids). I hardly know any of them (maybe seen a couple of them briefly twice in ten years), and my partner isn’t close with any of them at all.

Then there is a sore point of his parents’ best friends. His Mum told me after we got engaged that she would want them there (4 people) because they have known him since he was a baby. My parents aren’t bringing any of their friends because a) it’s our wedding that we are fully paying for, and b) we are trying to keep the guest list to the closest people to us.

Then there are people whose weddings we have attended (one was for the grown up child of one of future MIL’s best friends who we hardly know, but we politely attended). We never even got a chance to speak to the bride and groom and felt that we were invited because the mother asked them to. Do we absolutely have to invite these people?? We aren’t even friends😕

My part of the list was easy to right down- parents and two close friends with partners (one also has a child). I could add more friends who are part of one big group (couldn’t single anyone out, would have to invite them all), but where do you then draw the line? Each has a partner, some have multiple kids of various ages.
My partner doesn’t want to offend his parents or his large distant family in case they find out about the wedding, but also doesn’t want to argue with me over this, so he is just avoiding writing the list.

It would cost an absolute fortune to invite everyone and would be a big wedding that we don’t want! Anyone here with a small guest list? How did you finalise it without arguing with your partner?

I am totally comfortable to say to his parents that this is a small wedding for our nearest and dearest, and if they don’t accept it straight away because they might have thought that their friends are guaranteed seats at the table, they will eventually have to accept it.

You have to draw a line somewhere and there will always be someone who is offended. Mine and my fiancé's guest list was easy as we are inviting family to the day and friends to the evening. (We have roughly the same number of family and friends which works quite well as it's very even). Anyone that wasn't on the list (but that my parents wanted there) my parents had to pay for themselves. It is a slightly larger wedding than I'd have ideally liked but as I'm not paying for the extra I don't mind.

My husband had 101 guest and I had 49. It was a bit odd but I live overseas from where I grew up and he has a large family.

Ultimately you can't please everyone, and people totally understand how expensive weddings are and how you can't invite everyone. You do have to make some tough decisions, but even if it ends up imbalanced like mine was, it doesn't really matter in the end.

We invited family - immediate and aunts/uncles to the day, and then cousins and friends in the evening. If it will make your life easier to let your in laws bring their friends, then do it, but if you feel strongly that you don't want to then don't! It is your wedding and you and your partner get to have the say!

Thanks both for your replies. How did you decide which friends to invite? I’m assuming you didn’t just have close friends there, so was it a case of, for example, inviting whole groups of friends from school/work or those you have seen in the past year?

Think about who you most want there.
Don't invite extended family if you're not bothered.
Don't invite people you hardly see, unless you'd see them more if they lived closer.

But do think hard before cutting people from a 'group'. e.g. 3 out of 4 cousins. 5/6 of the team you work with. That's what causes offence.

Tell everyone else: We would loved to have invited more people but we wanted to keep it small for stress/financial reasons.

In your case? Parents and your 2-3 close friends each. Then it's fair. It sounds like his parents will be offended whatever you do. But if it is 2 family and 3 others each it is hard to be offended you were left out.

Tell his parents if they want to throw you a post wedding party when you are back from honeymoon they are welcome to organise, invite, and pay for whatever they fancy?

Oh no, I know it’s about who we want at our wedding, that’s the problem for my partner, I think- he can’t decide who he wants there. Good idea about the post-honeymoon party. Now I wish we were having a destination wedding like I originally wanted, pre-baby would have been so much easier logistically and no excuse needed for a small guest list, plus honeymoon right there.

From what you've written, I think your partner does know, he is just worried about offending people.

You haven't said 'partner really wants to invite his whole extended family and his parents friends'.

Invite the friends and family you are close to and don’t invite people that you don’t know . Don’t feel pressure to invite these people....just because , it’s you your wedding day and you’re paying for it.

We only invited close family during the day and invited friends and extended family at night,

We attended a wedding of one of my husbands best friends a few years ago and his gran was horrified that we were invited and his cousins weren’t! SHe made her feelings quite clear on the day! But he invited those he is close to and spends time with rather than people he only sees at family weddings and funerals.

I actually think it's easier to not invite people when it's a small group. Invite immediate family only plus your best friends. Everyone understands that and it's clear who will get an invite. Don't extend any 'polite' invites as that gets endless and the chances are those people don't really want to come anyway.
As a back up if you end up with more people, eg 50 ish, give PIL 2 invites to give to people as they wish. If they moan about other people being missed off you can say 'oh well you chose auntie Joan and uncle Brian instead 'etc.
Lastly don't discuss any choices with people that are going to criticize .

If he’s finding it hard then choose a number of guests you’ll each invite and stick to it. If you want a small wedding then agree you’re only going to invite 5/10/25 guests each (depending on how small you mean by ‘small’) and then it’s just a case of filling the list with your nearest and dearest first and only moving onto more distant friends/ relatives if you’ve got spaces left on your lists.

We had additional 20 evening guests and just 40 in the day. Day guests were mostly family, the friends were bridesmaids and groomsmen. Other friends arrived after the wedding breakfast. Can you compromise that way?

Do not invite his parents' friends. Do not invite his millions of aunts, uncles and cousins. If you invite one you probably have to invite them all.

Have you already chosen a venue? The easiest way round this is to find a tiny weeny venue which can't possibly cater for lots of people. Tell everyone you've always dreamed of getting married at this venue and you couldn't possibly contemplate anywhere else. Then you know the limit for the number of guests (e.g. 30.) So then you get 14 guests and your DH-to-be gets 14 guests. If you have joint friends, you could split them between you, or you could be generous and have all the friends so he gets to use his 14 for family.

When MIL says "but you absolutely MUST invite x, y and z" he needs to say "OK so which three do we remove?"

It's your wedding; you need to do what makes the two of you happy, not what makes a whole bunch of people you don't even know happy but you end up miserable. All being well, it's the only one you'll ever have. Do not let your MIL turn it into her wedding. It would be more difficult if they were paying for it, but as you are paying for it yourself, you just go for what you want and sod the rest of them.

I agree with the person who said small weddings are easier. Just the closest friends and family need be invited.

We could invite 40-45 people and ended up inviting 50 in case some declined. We had our parents, siblings with their partners and theirs were the only children invited. And after that only friends we had both met.

Absolutely no invites out of politeness. We made sure everyone knew it would only be small. Less chance of upsetting people if they kniw very few are going"

What we found easier is that a fewer number of guests means you have choices if people can’t make it too.

OP please remember its yours and DH to be wedding so your guest list and I assume yous are paying for it so you definitely have control.

I would ask your DH to be to honest with you and in the first place get him to write 2 lists, one is his guest list of who he 'wants' to attend his wedding and the second who he 'thinks' he should invite because of his parents. I bet there is a big difference.

So if you both agree on the 'want' list then that's what you go with. Regardless of what your MIL thinks. She has no say over your guest list.

Yoh need to tell her it's a small wedding for close family and a few close friends.

We've done something similar (minus the meddling inlaws) we both have large-ish families that we're close to and see regularly. We have invited a few close friends. We've decided not to invite work colleagues. Between us we could easily double our 80 guests.

Thanks for all your suggestions. By small I mean 15-20, a third of which are partners and kids. I assumed everyone meant that sort of number for a small wedding😬

I would like a wedding at a self-catering lodge somewhere in the countryside, so it would be a weekend stay and there won’t be day and evening guest separation, same people will be there the whole time. There are heaps of these lodges/cottages scattered around so I don’t have a particular one in mind without knowing whether we are to accommodate 15 or 30. We could do several cottages, one big house, spill over to a nearby hotel maybe (if there was one)- I don’t want to spend time pricing all pf these endless possibilities up only to have my partner potentially tell me he absolutely wants 10 other people there. I do like the idea of picking a venue that is deliberately limited to small parties!😊

I would gladly invite the group of our mutual friends I have mentioned who would keep the chat going and add to the fun but some of them have multiple kids (3-4 each). I really don’t want the extra 6-8 mouths to feed and accommodate at a venue! Huge age range too- 1-23 y.o. So not exactly kids you could seat at one table and feed kiddy food! Is there a way to invite this group but without ALL of their kids? I thought we could specify that only the kids of the bridal party are invited, but then we aren’t having bridesmaids and groomsmen (removes the cost of outfits and the formality that we don’t have to have). Is there another way to only have our toddler, our niece and nephew plus our best friends’ two kids? I think our best friends might struggle with childcare and could decline which would be a huge shame. Otherwise we would have kept it to family kids only, like you, SheWoreBlueVelvet.

I think I now want those mutual friends there, rather than just two friends each, because the very small guest list I had in mind initially has a few introverts, making our day a bit too quiet.

Personally, and I may be in the minority here, I see nothing wrong with some kids but not all. Just be very clear, 'sorry due to numbers limitations, only kids explicitly named on invites can attend'.

TeenTimesTwo, would that not offend people, as if saying ‘you are not as special to us as those other couples’? I am struggling to know what the etiquette here is, good to get a range of views, minority or not, so thanks👍

We had 40 guests, which included 8 children. We just invited parents, grandparent ( only one living), siblings, nieces, nephews and friends each with their partners. We had a similar family dynamic to you - both my parents are only children, whereas MIL has 10 siblings!

Yes people (MIL and her mother, also SIL) were offended and made this known. I didn’t care. I was solely paying for the wedding as DH wasn’t working at the time. Our reception worked out around £120 per guest, and there was not s hope in hell I was shelling that out for random aunts, uncles and cousins!

OP I'm a bit confused - you mention mutual friends, then 2 or 3 friends each. Are these the same people ? Or do you mean you have a group of mutual friends than you both have other friends you may want to invite.

As for children, as everyone always says your wedding you can have it child free if you like, however if you're planning a weekend away - will your guests be able to arrange childcare?. Be prepared if you go for child free some guests may decline your invite.

OTOH could you have just family children? If it's likely relatives rely on other family members for child care it shouldn't be a problem for them and friends with children have more options for childcare if they want to come?

Either way it sounds like you can't start planning until you've firmly decided on a guest list, so need to start pressing your DH to be. Otherwise just tell him you will solely organise the guest list ha ha !!!

would that not offend people, as if saying ‘you are not as special to us as those other couples’?

It shouldn't offend people. I mean, when you go to a wedding, you probably have some idea where you are on the 'specialness' order, don't you. A cousin often isn't as close as a best friend, a work colleague not as close as a friend from uni you see monthly.

But some people take offence easily, so who knows. If you are only having 40 people though, 2 'big group friends' shouldn't expect 6 or 8 of those places to be taken up by their children.

I think you can be fairly clinical about it, and people won’t be offended.

So you could say that parents, grandparents and siblings (and their own families) get invited, as well as the bridal party.

Count those up and then figure out if there is room for more.

At my DS’s recent wedding, they drew the line at aunts/uncles and corresponding cousins. We could not invite our cousins.

They had an evening reception for their friends and a couple of our friends.

When we were preparing our wedding, I read a piece of advice (on here I think), which was to only invite someone if you would be prepared to take that person out and spend £50 treating them to a meal.
We kept our numbers to just under 50. It was literally us, parents, siblings and their spouses and (2) children, 1 uncle and aunt each, 1 cousin each (because we are particuarly close to them). Then 5 friends, with their spouses and (3) children.

We've just finished our guest list. I struggled at the beginning because it feels like every decision could offend someone; but entertaining everything anyone could want meant we had a guest list of 250 odd people.

We've now got a hard maximum of 64; but intend to invite 30, we're just letting it settle in our heads to make sure we've made the right call. It's close family members and close friends, for both of us - his family is bigger and closer so he's got slightly more family, but nobody that we don't see often or are only inviting because it feels like we should.

Kids are difficult. We'd add 18 people in kids easily if people bring them. We were originally going to elope and the people we asked then were happy to leave their kids with other people for the weekend, so we're hoping that's still the case! We love them: but they add massive cost and there's so many!

If you haven’t seen or spoken to the person in the last 6 months they don’t get an invite. So what if people are offended if they haven’t bothered with you why should you worry about offending them.
Have you booked a venue? Just that a lot of them offer good value packages for week day and off season weddings but they limit your numbers eg 50 day guests 75 evening, something like this may help focus your DF because you pay a lot for additional guests.

I had this dilemma at my wedding because my family is much smaller then DP, I also hate attention so for me I just wanted it over with quickly.
I kept numbers minimal at the registry office and then we invited a few more to the pub after for food but I kept everything low key. I debated a party but the thought of the guest list gave me anxiety! The more people I thought of the more I then thought well if I invite them I'll have to invite someone else. ☹️ you have to stick to what you want.
Fact is the only people that matter are you and the groom. It's your day. Don't one day regret it.

Oh OP

DH and I recently went through this.

I can only give you our advice.

DO NOT fall into the trap of believing that your wedding is completely about you! If that were true you would be eloping. If that is true ELOPE!

When you do it ‘properly 🙄’ with friends/family it’s obviously NOT just about you as you want these key people involved to add to your enjoyment/experience of the day!

And they are not robots, they are entitled to emotions/opinions and if they’re unhappy with the way the wedding goes- if you offend friends/family which they’re then going to have to feel the reorocussions of- don’t go stomping around complaining about what a nightmare they are 😂

I personally think that the ‘small local’ wedding is arguably the most selfish of the lot. You’re doing it ‘properly’ and making it ‘sort of about family and friends’ but not actually inviting everyone who should be invited and putting your parents in an awkward situation.

I ended up with about 60-80 at my wedding - just family and close friends from both sides but honestly it was the best day of our lives! I put myself in my mother’s shoes and imagined calling up my siblings (who I’m very close to) to tell them they weren’t invited to my child’s wedding...and suddenly I understood it!

I think when a lot of the ‘it’s all about us and our parents are THE WORST!’ Types become parents themselves...they may suddenly start to understand why their mum thought her sister should be invited!