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Original poster

Death before our wedding

44 replies

MeghanLove · 14/03/2019 14:13

Please bare with me here, this is such a sad time so forgive me for any confusion. I just need some outside advice.
We are getting married in less than two weeks.
5 days ago, we received devastating news. After my fiancé’s stag night, his best man died in a fire. A tragic accident.
His wife (my best friend and bridesmaid) was with me when we found out.
It’s been one of the worst few days of my life. I can’t offer any comfort to my fiance nor my best friend. We are all utterly utterly broken.
We are all exhausted, sad, angry, confused and still in denial I think.
He was a terrific man, with a wonderful family and how I’ll ever get my friend through this, I just don’t know.

Not only are we going through this turmoil but we also have a wedding comming up in less than two weeks.

We’ve been through the mill me and my fiancé. We’ve worked so hard to get where we are, spent our savings and were so looking forward to “our time” finally.

Question is, do we go through with it?
Will we be happy?
Will we be able to enjoy?
Will we be sobbing our hearts out the entire day?

I haven’t the heart to raise the subject with my best friend as it’s just not on her radar - of course it’s not. I want to be with her every second and don’t want her to feel we will be in the heights of happiness on the day while she is in the throes of agony.

If we cancel, we could never afford to do this again. Plus, I don’t think certain family members could make it again due to ill health.

It’s to late to reschedule.

I just don’t know what to do... at one point we think... yes, let’s just do it. The next, we can’t even bare the thought of a celebration at this time.

Please, any kind words of advice would be so appreciated x

OP posts:

kenandbarbie · 14/03/2019 15:37

If you go ahead a nice touch is rosemary in the flowers for remembrance

Crazyfrog007 · 14/03/2019 15:39

My grandad died yesterday. We had moved part of our wedding to try and get him there as he had cancer but sadly he didn't make it. I have cancelled this part of my wedding because I just can't.

I would just say to follow your gut and do what feels right for you. If you think the day may be sad and not have the good memories that you want from a wedding, can you postpone? The hotel and registry office have been amazing with us once the situation was explained. They've all said we can just book in for another date.

NoWayNoHow · 14/03/2019 15:47

My friend's father died 6 days before she got married. Like you, it was impossible to reschedule due to family and friends travelling for the ceremony.

They allowed some lovely time within the reception to honour him, open a bottle of his favourite wine, and toast him in the way he would have liked.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 14/03/2019 15:50

What a sad and difficult situation . I don’t think there are right or wrong answers but probably ways to work out what to do.

It will be different from the day you planned, and joining together in a lifelong partnership maybe especially poignant, but the love you feel for each other is still there. The love of your family and friends is still there too.

Love and cherish what you have, and if you feel able to, aim for a day with meaning.

NorthernRunner · 14/03/2019 15:57

Hey OP
I think you have to carry on with day as planned. Like everyone has said there are lots of sensitive ways to remember him.
It may also be just the medicine for your best friend. Whilst she can’t think of it right now, by the time the wedding comes round, she may want a distraction, she may need something positive to focus on, even if she can only be there for a couple of hours.
sending lots of best wishes

SouthernComforts · 14/03/2019 16:04

Im so sorry OP.

I know a couple and one of their friends died whilst on the grooms stag do, in an accident. The wedding went ahead.

Morgan12 · 14/03/2019 16:10

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is an awful situation to be in.

You will need to speak to your friend about it but as pp have said there really is no right or wrong answer.

If you decide to go ahead I hope you can still have a lovely day.

Loopytiles · 14/03/2019 16:10

Go ahead.

iknowimcoming · 14/03/2019 16:14

I think even if you postponed the wedding for six months or a year it would still be sad without him there so you may as well do it now, weddings are emotional affairs anyway and I don't think it's disrespectful to go ahead with it at all, life's too short, good luck x

thecatsthecats · 14/03/2019 16:19

Oh goodness OP, how very awful.

It isn't the same of course, but my husband's best man had a complete mental breakdown and was sectioned just before our wedding. My husband had an anxious few days worrying desperately about his friend, and one thing I think you need is to have one person there for you both to stand in for any wedding fuss for a few days.

Your mum or dad? Any wedding decisions, queries, whatever - the details DO NOT matter, and my husband was very distressed by his family putting the pressure on for him to 'fix' the problem of the absent best man. You need to shut down any worry for a few days and least, and I recommend someone as a gatekeeper to protect you.

(I could have bloody strangled his dad, who kept trying to force him to IMMEDIATELY pick a new best man and sort out everything when my husband was dealing with his worry for his friend and his own nerves at doing the day without him)

Flobochin · 14/03/2019 16:20

I'm sure your friend would want you to go ahead with the wedding.

It will be poignant but you must get married.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 14/03/2019 16:46

I'd go ahead but bare in mind his wife and some others may cancel due to grief

lablablab · 14/03/2019 17:01

I don't think I could go through with it. It's ok if you feel you can, but personally I just couldn't. It's too tragic, too sudden and too recent.

Your wedding would always be associated with a devastating loss and it would always be tinged with that terrible sadness. Would your fiance even be able to go ahead with the day emotionally? I doubt I could if it was my friend.

Why don't you ring around your wedding suppliers and see if there's anything they could do? Maybe they could reschedule it for another date? Some might have sympathy for the situation and reschedule for no extra charge, even if they're not obliged to. I'd ask the question first and then u could make an informed decision.

So sorry for your loss.

Loopytiles · 14/03/2019 17:16

Suppliers are unlikely not to charge: their business terms will be clear in contracts OP and her DP have signed.

lablablab · 14/03/2019 17:38

Indeed, but I know several people in the wedding industry (3 photographers, a make up artist, a hair stylist and a wedding coordinator in a hotel) and all of them have told me of situations like this, it happens a lot.

Often they see if they can get a booking, mostly at a discounted last-minute price, and then the cancelling couple just pay the difference, if there is anything to pay.

The chances are slim, granted, but it's always worth asking.

MaMaMaMySharona · 15/03/2019 13:51

lablablab slightly different circumstance, but my friend's DP died a week before their wedding and the cancellations were very mixed.

The hotel were mostly great, they offered out rooms at discounted prices to try and fill them for the weekend and didn't charge for food as it hadn't yet been bought in.

The woman who made her dress sold it for her, so didn't charge.

I believe she still had to pay the hair & make up lady, as well as the band and I think she had to pay a % of the flowers.

OP, I am so sorry. I unfortunately have quite a good idea of how you feel at the moment, it is utterly devastating for you, your DP and your friend who I'm sure you don't know how to comfort at the moment.

In all honesty I don't know what I'd do. I'd want to continue the wedding, as other PPs have said it isn't something easy to move and it will be sad whenever the event occurs. At the same time, I would be so worried that my friend would think I was brushing over her DHs passing. It's such a tricky situation and I'm so so sorry this has happened

Original poster

MeghanLove · 17/03/2019 18:05

Thank you all for your responses.
I’m so sorry to all those who have posted with similar experiences.... how awful life can be at times.
I’ve spoke to my friend, in fact she is the one who broached the subject.
She urged us to continue.
She wants us to be happy and to have what she shared with her husband.
I always knew my friend was wonderful but seeing her go through this I didn’t realise the strength and dignity she had... I know she doesn’t have a choice, but I can help but sit in awe of her.
We will be happy and move forward slowly, while always remembering him for the great man he was.
We vow to always be there for his wife and children too.
If this experience has taught us anything, it’s to grab hold of loved ones while you can and cherish each moment, and that is what we will do.
Thank you all again x

OP posts:

onalongsabbatical · 18/03/2019 09:55

Gosh MeghanLove, just read this and it certainly puts all the other wedding threads in perspective. Your friend (the wife) sounds amazing. I'm so glad you've been able to decide to go forward with the wedding.
Very best wishes for the day.
And condolences to all of you for the loss of your friend.
What a massive thing to have to cope with, I wish you all strength.

SpeedyBojangles · 18/03/2019 10:00

Oh how utterly tragic. I'm so sorry

Your friend sounds like a Wonderful friend and such a strong person. All you can do is be there for her and help her through this as best you can.

Do you have any other mutual friends? Perhaps they could do a speech in memory of your best man in place of the best man speech? X

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