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Original poster

Death before our wedding

44 replies

MeghanLove · 14/03/2019 14:13

Please bare with me here, this is such a sad time so forgive me for any confusion. I just need some outside advice.
We are getting married in less than two weeks.
5 days ago, we received devastating news. After my fiancé’s stag night, his best man died in a fire. A tragic accident.
His wife (my best friend and bridesmaid) was with me when we found out.
It’s been one of the worst few days of my life. I can’t offer any comfort to my fiance nor my best friend. We are all utterly utterly broken.
We are all exhausted, sad, angry, confused and still in denial I think.
He was a terrific man, with a wonderful family and how I’ll ever get my friend through this, I just don’t know.

Not only are we going through this turmoil but we also have a wedding comming up in less than two weeks.

We’ve been through the mill me and my fiancé. We’ve worked so hard to get where we are, spent our savings and were so looking forward to “our time” finally.

Question is, do we go through with it?
Will we be happy?
Will we be able to enjoy?
Will we be sobbing our hearts out the entire day?

I haven’t the heart to raise the subject with my best friend as it’s just not on her radar - of course it’s not. I want to be with her every second and don’t want her to feel we will be in the heights of happiness on the day while she is in the throes of agony.

If we cancel, we could never afford to do this again. Plus, I don’t think certain family members could make it again due to ill health.

It’s to late to reschedule.

I just don’t know what to do... at one point we think... yes, let’s just do it. The next, we can’t even bare the thought of a celebration at this time.

Please, any kind words of advice would be so appreciated x

OP posts:

AllTheCakes · 14/03/2019 14:15

Gosh, that’s really awful. Sorry for your loss

Have you got wedding insurance?

Original poster

MeghanLove · 14/03/2019 14:27

Thank you for your condolences,💕

I’m afraid we don’t. I’m not sure it’s sonething they would payout for in this instance? Only if a business goes under or something of that nature?

OP posts:

GiveMeFiveMinutes · 14/03/2019 14:28

Go ahead with your wedding.

Anything could happen to you or your partner at any time, as this recent tragedy shows.

Carpe diem.

Sheena99 · 14/03/2019 14:31

Very sorry for your loss and your friend's loss, what a terrible thing to happen. I've never been in her situation but I'm sure she wouldn't begrudge you your day, and would understand that it wasn't taking anything away from her loss. You could take the opportunity to have a tribute to her DH possibly? But I imagine the best thing to do would be to discuss it with her as gently as possible, get a feel for where she would be on the idea. She'll know how important your wedding is and how much you're trying to take care of her, and even in the middle of a horrible time, she'll know you're just trying to figure out what is the best thing to do for everyone, to respect her feelings the best way you can.

Puddlet · 14/03/2019 14:32

I'm so sorry. Have a chat with the person who is taking the service/ ceremony. Perhaps you could light a candle for him as part of the service. But it would be wrong to cancel - it's not about the perfect day but the care support and compassion you have for each other in good times and bad. And it sounds as if you have that in abundance.

Reallyevilmuffin · 14/03/2019 14:34

Go ahead. Swap the best man speech for a in memorandum done by I guess either the bridesmaid or your partner?

Original poster

MeghanLove · 14/03/2019 14:34

This is the general consensus of our family and friends too @givemefiveminutes, I’m just struggling to make that decision especially as my fiancé is in a deep depression at the moment.
You are right, who knows what is around the corner? I just wish her was here, back to normal.
I can’t iamgine our wedding or life without him nor his wife in it. 💕

OP posts:

HeathRobinson · 14/03/2019 14:35

My condolences to you and your friend. How horrible.

As tragic as this is, if you'll never be able to afford it again, I'd go ahead.

When we got married dh's grandmother was able to attend. We have some lovely photos of her. A year later, she was gone. Like a pp said, you never know what's round the corner.

Spiderbanana · 14/03/2019 14:37

Do go ahead OP. Have a special way to remember your friend in the service and take solace in your family and friends.

Above all, a wedding is when all the people who love you come together to show you their love and support. Who better to have around you right now?

It will certainly alter your wedding but just because the day will have a different light on it, it will still be something beautiful.

I didn't have any loss before my wedding and still cried like a baby!

Daisymay2 · 14/03/2019 14:38

My grandmother died 13 days before our wedding. Not the same as she had been ill. We went ahead, but it did put a bit of a cloud on the day but fortunately the funeral was before the wedding.
is there anything you can scale down- an evening do you can cancel if you think it is too much? I think for the sake of family members with health issues you should go ahead.
to all of you

Greyhound22 · 14/03/2019 14:42

I'm so sorry. How terrible for everyone involved.

I would go ahead. I wouldn't replace him I would leave a space where he should have been throughout the whole day.

I would have a toast to him and if it's a church service maybe a prayer said? Or a reading otherwise? It's so very difficult for your best friend - she might not feel able to come or maybe she would want some input into what should happen?

It is your day ultimately so I would try to carry on for that day whilst being respectful to his memory.

AuntieStella · 14/03/2019 14:48

Yes, I think you go ahead with the wedding, and withball the guests, but you scale it back a bit.

If marrying in a church, ask the vicar to make his sermon/address reflect the more sombre nature of the occasion, and revisit your choices of hymns and readings. If not, speak to the registrar, and again change readings and music

You might also consider cancelling band/dancing at the receptionist now.. it's the old-fashioned approach of marrying quietly because of mourning.

It won't be the wedding party that you planned, but it can be a deeply meaningful occasion.

endofthelinefinally · 14/03/2019 14:48

I think you should go ahead.
Include his memory in your special day.

When my son died aged 27, arranging his funeral was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But his friends helped to arrange a celebration of his life and it was so uplifting and wonderful. It is better to face things honestly.

I know it is your special day, but nothing can undo what has happened and I really believe that sharing it is the best thing to do.

I am so, so sorry for your loss, and for his family.

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 14/03/2019 14:50

Jesus. This is terrible, I’m so sorry OP. You need to go ahead with your wedding. If you don’t you’ll regret it.

BuffaloCauliflower · 14/03/2019 14:58

I’m sorry for your loss. Do go ahead with it, I’m sure your friend would want you to.

But for general reference, yes wedding insurance would pay out for this. Death of close family or the wedding party is covered.

MrsWembley · 14/03/2019 15:03

Not quite the same, but my Mum died suddenly three weeks ago and we're marrying in May. Several people have asked me if we're going ahead with it and all I can think is, yes, of course! This just shows how little we know of what will be and we really need to grab all opportunities with both hands and never, ever say, ' Don't worry, I'll do that tomorrow/next week/next year!' If you can do it now, then do it now!

I'm sure once the initial shock has worn off and grief sets in, then you can talk to her about it. And, if she's your best friend as you say, she'll be completely understanding that you need to carry on. Maybe without her there, but still, and make it a quieter event than you were planning? Can you and your DP do it without Best Man or Bridesmaid? Maybe not replacing them both will be seen as a mark of respect. I imagine most of your friends will be sharing your grief and will understand, too.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/03/2019 15:06

Something similar happened to me. My husband died the day after my brother's stag do, a month before the wedding. It was very hard for me but the wedding still went ahead. It's what my husband would have wanted

ItsJustASimpleLine · 14/03/2019 15:09

I would go ahead. Try to compartmentalize as best you can that pain and enjoy your day as I'm sure that's what he would have wanted. Let your grief overwhelm you before and after but this day will only happen once and he will be with you to give you strength.

I agree with others about a candle or small touches to include him. We had candles lit at our wedding for our passed grandparents.

So sorry for your loss, but have a lovely day x

FenellaMaxwell · 14/03/2019 15:13

I'm so sorry. We lost my DF 2 weeks before my wedding. We went ahead because he wanted us to. The whole day was one big, sad blur if I'm perfectly honest. Go ahead with your wedding, and then when the sadness begins to fade slightly, why not elope just you and your DH and do something happy for the 2 of you?

anniehm · 14/03/2019 15:19

Talk to the venue as they are the biggest cost - they may allow a postponement, same goes for cake, florist, suit hire (it's not the same as cancellation so are more likely to agree)

gokartdillydilly · 14/03/2019 15:19

Oh my gosh. How utterly devastating! I just want to send you all a hug and

I think the answers here are right. It will be unbelievably sad to commemorate your dear friend at your wedding, but you must go ahead with your day. Maybe you could throw a party to really celebrate a little later, if you all feel like it, obviously.

I am so very sorry for you all and I hope you get to enjoy your day despite this tragedy x

gokartdillydilly · 14/03/2019 15:21

@NoArmaniNoPunani

for you too darling x

Xiaoxiong · 14/03/2019 15:29

I went to a wedding where a groomsman had recently passed away and the bride and groom went absolutely all out, doubled down on everything for the party. They led off the dancing with his favourite song and got everyone up on the dance floor, massive party with a big picture of him on the table next to the wedding cake because he loved cake, best man's speech was done by the groom himself with loads of jokes about what his friend would have said, it was amazing. It was like a massive bash just for him because he loved a party and kind of doubled as his wake, if that makes sense, because his funeral had been a few weeks earlier and that was the somber sad part of his passing. It was brilliant, there were a lot of tears but joy as well and everyone felt better afterwards and so many stories swapped about him. It felt like he was there with us all.

Xiaoxiong · 14/03/2019 15:30

But just to add that if you don't feel like doing that, that's ok too. There's no right or wrong answer. I'm so sorry for your loss

Karigan195 · 14/03/2019 15:35

Talk to her. You can make some changes to reflect the sad loss. A toast to the missing best man and an empty seat at the table. But I don’t think you should put it off.

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