Rabbit in the Headlights: Advice gratefully received!

[BahamaLlama]

Please could you impart your wedding/event best advice, top tips, what to be wary of, etc?

We shall need to save and pay for our wedding and so are mindful of costs, but as it is very early stages, I'm rather confused and daunted right now.

For example:

• Pros and cons of a church ceremony versus a registrar service? Is a church ceremony much more expensive all considered (e.g. flowers to decorate, reception transport, etc)?

Do churches tend to marry any couple these days (I'm not divorced, but I've not been christened/confirmed)?

• I understand prices are hiked if we declare it's a wedding so better to say a party? Has anyone done this, and can you 'get into trouble' when the provider discovers you in a wedding dress, etc?

• As above, I presume it's cheaper to order a non-specific cake rather than say to order a wedding cake?

I see you can order Pattiserie Valerie cakes online. Are there any other good national suppliers out there?

• From your experience, what has/hasn't worked at events you've been to?

• Where/how can I get any wedding 'bargains'? What are the best ways we can try to save money?

• What have been the really sweet touches others have included in their weddings/receptions?

HUGE thanks in advance

Congratulations, OP!

Best advice I got:

establish the three most important things to you about the day. They can be concrete things like 'cake'/'great food'/that I can invite 100 people' or abstract things like 'convenience for guests'/'an informal atmosphere.

Then, when you start to plan and get overwhelmed by all the choices and things on offer, you can ask yourselves whether the money you're about to spend helps any of your priorities/the priorities help guide your decision.

Eg we were torn between two venues, and in the end made the final decision based on the fact that we had elderly relatives and there were toilets on the ground floor for them! The other venue involved rickety stairs - not good for 80 year olds (guest convenience!)

This advice really helped us in wedding planning and we had a wonderful day.

Hope you do too

@DoraNora
Thank you and for your advice Prioritising will definitely help to keep us focussed and make sure we stay on the same page as each other too.

I really hope we will be able to pull off as memorable and as special a day as you did too 👍

Saw no one else had responded so thought I'd try and answer some of your questions (if I have anything useful to say!)

• Pros and cons of a church ceremony versus a registrar service? Is a church ceremony much more expensive all considered (e.g. flowers  to decorate, reception transport, etc)?

Do churches tend to marry any couple these days (I'm not divorced, but I've not been christened/confirmed)?

Depends on the church, not just the denomination but the actual church/specific priest for pretty much every aspect of this question. For whether they will marry you, the cost, for how much decoration it needs (a very pretty church might not need anything, and also it depends on what 'look' you are going for). Transport-wise, it could be really close to your reception venue! Our church was walkable so we ordered cabs for those who couldn't manage the walk and everyone else had a 10 minute stroll along the river.

Pros and cons ... Will depend on you. As a Christian, getting married in a church was absolutely non-negotiable for me. Is it important to you or your partner?
I can't think of any pros or cons that don't relate to your own specific wants (spiritual or aesthetic), as costs have their equivalents. Both have music, flowers (if you want them), a fee for the ceremony.

I think this question can only be answered properly by comparing specific churches and venues

• As above, I presume it's cheaper to order a non-specific cake rather than say to order a wedding cake?

I see you can order Pattiserie Valerie cakes online. Are there any other good national suppliers out there?

Cakes are actually just expensive - ask anyone who has ordered from Patisserie Valerie! I didn't find there's a particular mark up for weddings (I was looking at very plain ones, not elaborately decorated). M&S and Waitrose do reasonably competitively priced cakes and IIRC M&S have a good-looking 'naked' cake in their range at the moment. I did a lot of research into this (London-based) and even if you make them yourself or get someone else to make one for you the cost for materials and labour is quite substantial. One thing I have come across in weddings that worked is to serve the cake as dessert - makes it more palatable to spend that money!

• From your experience, what has/hasn't worked at events you've been to?

Has worked:

• people scoff at them, but if you are having a wedding with more than 40 people, a receiving line. Guarantees you speak to everyone at least once and you don't have to worry about keeping track of who you have and haven't spoken to. Going round the tables doesn't work as a substitute, as people move around/go to the loo/don't stay put
• either no favours at all (no one misses them) or personal/immediately consumable. One wedding I went to had a small shot of brandy that had been made by the brides's grandfather. There was a drinking game to play at the meal with them - they all got drank. On the other hand little things of alcohol often get left unless they are used to toast/as entertainment of some sort. I also went to a wedding held in a library where the favours were individually chosen books for each guest, with a personal note inside for each of them. None of those got left!
• long waits are fine if you keep your guests fed and watered
• no one ever knows what to write in a guest book. Don't have one, or send it round later in the evening when people are a bit drunk and the words flow more freely
• coach between ceremony and reception venue with Prosecco flowing

Hasn't worked

• favours that aren't immediately consumable/personal to the recipient. Most get left on tables and no one really cares about them (see above in what works)
• long waits without food or drink while the couple are photographed
• long coach journey between venues with no drink
• if you are having any kind of outdoor affair, are there enough loos (not a fun wedding)
• overly long speeches. 10 mins max per person

I think as long as your guests are fed and watered (and entertained), the rest of the 'what works' are to avoid you wasting your time and money!

• Where/how can I get any wedding 'bargains'? What are the best ways we can try to save money?

Sorry to keep banging on the drum but this depends on your priorities! I found the advice above helpful to make us feel we were spending and splurging in the right places for us. Some money-saving things we did or thought about:

• cake as dessert
• dress from high street store, there are some lovely ones in unexpected places (like ghost ). Sample sales can also net huge savings, but still a price bracket above high street choices. I loved BHLDN dresses, but remember they incur a customs charge too (US website)
• online invites not paper
• restaurants often work out cheaper as reception venues (and do better food) but often won't let you in until 6pm, which would leave a huge gap after a church ceremony
• a regret of mine, spending money on bridal shoes. I did not need them, you could not see them underneath my dress at all )obviously this depends on your dress choice!
• flowers are really expensive. Alternative centrepieces for tables if they need something (see Pinterest for inspiration)
• playlist of songs instead of a band or DJ. A well-done playlist is great and will get everyone out on the dance floor without spending £££

• What have been the really sweet touches others have included in their weddings/receptions?

• the book favours I mentioned above
• postcards instead of a guest book by the dance floor, everyone filled them in very drunk and the bride later told me they were absolutely hilarious to read the following morning
• I am a sucker for a good speech

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I really love weddings, everyone is so happy and they are so unique to each couple. My only 'bad' experiences in them relate to long periods without food or drink.

Enjoy the planning! I found that loads of fun too!

Thought of some more money-saving things:

• not many bridesmaids/ushers
• bridesmaid dresses off eBay
• bridal party (inc me) did own make up
• had a hairdresser friend who did my hair for me as a wedding present. Do you know anyone who could help with stuff like this?

We really splurged on food and a photographer - the latter is the 'lasting' thing from the day, and you will presumably have on display in your home forever.

X

The best advice I've ever been given is

'You'll never please everyone, so you might as well please yourselves'

I am about to get married for the second time.
Venue for marriage by the time you get the registrar any where else than the registrar office it is over £500 with you proving id etc, so not much different to church wedding. If it is important to you to marry in church do so. My first wedding was in a church it was important to me at that point and my future parents in law. This time I am getting married at a venue for a whole complex set or boring reasons privacy is important.
I ended up doing virtually nothing I wanted last time and trying to please everyone else. The one thing I wanted and tried to have my MIL prevented. This time we are doing just what we want ( without inconvenience to our guests).
I had a wedding dress that other people liked last time as I didn't pay. This time I am paying I have a good job and quite frankly I am gasping exactly what I want though as it is m2m it is not cheap, but I love it.
My Ex was all about value for money/cheap, my DF just wants everyone to have a good time. The venue is much more us and we are doing what we like with decoration/ flowers.
There will be no favours, there will be a great covers band that will play music that suits everyone.
We are only inviting people we really want to be there, we offend family.

We are getting married at Christmas, we want glitter and candles.

Plenty of good hearty food rather than small portions of anything too fancy.

Wine on the table.

Don't bother with favours.

Buy plain iced cakes and ask/pay someone to decorate.

Easily accessible location.

Music in the background whilst eating.

Churches generally cheaper.

Keeping guest numbers down is the biggest saving you can make.

Don’t bother with favours!
Candles and garden greenery look great on white linen.
Yes to cake from M&S- consider serving as dessert with fresh berries and cream

If you can find somewhere on private land go hold your wedding (know anyone with a barn?!) then you can have guests bring some drinks in lieu of gifts-free bar and no huge wine bill (some reception drinks and wine with dinner still good to offer!)

Dd getting married next year and on a budget. They are getting married and having the reception all.in the same place (humanist) so no costs for moving guests about. The wedding cake will be served as dessert so is white chocolate and raspberry rather than a fruit cake. No favours. Dress is completely simple, just white and flowing and she will customise it with a few ideas (sparkly belt) to personalise it. They are writing their own vows and will have a handfasting. The evening is a ceilidh with a Nacho bar if people are hungry.

Oh, and guesrs bring their own booze to the evening

Assuming that your choices are reasonably conventional - apart from your mother, sister and best friend, not a single person at your wedding will care about

Your dress
Your shoes
Your underwear
The fact that you have starved yourself and lost a stone
Your nail colour
Your fake tan
Your hairstyle
Your jewellery
All of the above for the bridesmaids and members of the bridal party
Favours
Table decorations
Colour themes
Your photographer

If any of your guests are particularly interested in design, they might notice these things and decide if they like them or not. But they won’t care.

If they are your friends or family, they will be happy that you have chosen the things that YOU like and not that they like. If they are not your friends or family, then don’t invite them.

Your guests WILL care about their own comfort - enough to eat and drink, enough seats, not too warm or cold or noisy and plenty things to do.

They HATE sitting on tables with all strangers . No one goes to a wedding to mix, they go to see people they know already who they haven’t seen since the last funeral /christening.

They HATE being forced to stay in expensive hotels they can’t afford, dress codes, themes, or other ridiculous demands made by the B&G

They HATE standing about waiting for you to get photos.

Most guests over 30 will hate any kind of contrived “fun” which you have seen on Instagram .

Some guests will notice if your days seems personal and authentic and says something about you. So if you are not religious, it will seem odd that you have a church wedding. Or if you are very casual, why you have a very formal wedding.

Don’t make any part of your day dependent on good weather.

Most of what you read in wedding magazines is complete and utter bollocks and I advise you to read none of them.

@DoraNora @OpiesOldLady @Lonecatwithkitten @SummerintoAutumn @moreismore @dementedma @IMOGEN

Thank you ALL SO much for your pearls of wisdom!! Honestly this has all been so incredibly helpful.

There is certainly lots for us to consider and I am going to need to get busy with investigations to inform costs and to guide our day and what is/isn't going to be possible - e.g. which venues will insist we use their catering (ideally we would like to use chefs from the local independent restaurants we like if possible...)

On an exciting personal note, I today went with my mum to try on dresses and bought one at 50% off its original cost at the boutique due to it being end of line. It's all beginning to feel a bit more real now!!

Oh, and does anyone know if this thread will be saved so I can come back to it for reference? Or is the best thing to do to get it printed out to keep?

It should be saved. Can't see why it wouldn't be.

Were getting married on a Thursday with only those very closest to us, then the following Saturday were having a big party for all our friends - we're having a pie and pea supper and I can't wait!

@OpiesOldLady - great, thank you!!

Congratulations!! And I absolutely LOVE this idea - it's something I had never even considered for ourselves. I can see it could offer loads of benefits - such as ensuring the wedding day is limited to only those closest, it isn't too long and tiring for anyone. I know often couples have said the day passes by in a blur where you don't always get chance to speak to everyone and so maybe this is a good way to be able to savour and remember and savour everything a bit more perhaps...

If you don't mind my asking, shall you wear a wedding dress to the service and then again on the Saturday for the party? Will you have speeches and the cake at the party?
Pie and pea supper sounds really yummy by the way!!!

Yep, dress for both, and speeches and cake at the party - though having a smallish cake to cut, but intend to buy a few plain iced sponge cakes from Costco and having them pre cut as a dessert option for party guests.

We're also having a small cream tea after the actual service, so no need for a cake then.

And we've printed out of own save the dates, invites and RSVP cards too as a way of saving the pennies.

You've had some really fab replies here.
I think the idea of deciding at the start what is really important, is key, and then not getting tempted in by people pedalling other services in magazines or wedding fayres etc.

People spend ridiculous amounts on things like invitations and orders of service - genuinely, nobody notices or cares. With computers these days it is very easy to do yourself, or look round close friends and family and think who might be able to do it for you. Don't be afraid to ask friends if they will contribute a skill towards your wedding, rather than a personal gift.
You need to decide if it is preferable to have fewer people and a slightly bigger budget per head, or if you want to share your day with more people, but then won't be able to pay for a £120 per head type package.
I've been to a wedding where they borrowed a room in a pub (the pub let them have room for free, knowing they would get all the bar takings), and they got the chippy down the road to deliver a chippy meal for everyone. It was actually a really nice wedding. I've also been to a really expensive package affair where we waited something like 6 hours from the time we were invited, before we were fed, and then it was a tiny portion of fancy looking 'nouveau cuisine' which wouldn't have filled anyone had it been served 5 hours earlier. The amount you spend DEFINITELY doesn't correlate with how nice the wedding is.

@OpiesOldLady I am loving your ideas - and the cream tea following the service is fab. It gives the ceremony a nice ending and who doesn't love a cream tea!!

I shall definitely be printing/making as many of the invites etc as possible. I enjoy doing that kind of thing, and given realistically now we shan't be looking at a date until at least 2020 I should, in theory, have plenty of time...

How long has it taken you from start to finish to get your plans all booked and sorted?

@BackforGood - I know! I am so grateful for all the replies. Every single one has been SO incredibly valuable and I am going to keep coming back to this page to revisit as my planning progresses to each different stage.

I am really keen to try and keep things as 'personal' to us as possible. However, I feel I am coming up against brick walls at the moment. For example, one of my good friends has a farm with land that would have been fab to have used. However, unfortunately it's some 60 miles from us and so it wouldn't be very convenient for guests nor that cost effective everything considered - portaloos, accommodation, transport, etc.
I then started to investigate a church wedding in the village I grew up in followed by a barn reception using our preferred caterers - both within walking distance of each other and our house. Then I received the barns hire quotation back which was extortionate so the barn is now out of the question.

The cheapest option seems to keep coming back to a hotel service and ceremony. However, I am really not keen on the usual/standard wedding breakfast course options/hotel catering or remaining at the same venue for the entire day and evening. The advantages would be the cost and the accommodation being already there which are compelling practically I guess (just not personal to us :(

So I'm hoping there is a way we could still have a church ceremony and either arrange transport to a nearby venue for the food and evening reception. Or as per OpiesOldLady wedding, hold the church ceremony and reception on different days, but then I am struggling to find anywhere very close for nibbles/lunch/a cream tea for guests...

I doubt it will be possible, but maybe i'll start checking with hotels to see if they would make us use their catering just in case there could be some flexibility there... Or maybe it's going to have to be this that will have to be our compromise

If only there were any nice pubs/venues nearby as I would totally be up for feeding guests fish and chips, or pie and mash, etc. I'm going to start asking around friends and family I think to see if they have any local ideas and suggestions. Fingers crossed!!

We got engaged on the 16th February this year - getting married roughly a year from now so everything has happened really quickly!

We've sorted all the flowers too - bought some gorgeous white peonies and lavenders - all fake - from home bargains and the range - alongside some small pretty vases and plan to use them as table centrepieces on the Saturday, as well as decorations on the Thursday, bouquets for myself and my bridesmaids too - all for less than £100!

We've also sorted out the venues for both, caterers too and DP has looked at suits. We got and book the wedding itself next week as well.

We just sat down and talked about what we wanted from the day. Unanimously it was that we wanted to be married to each other, with the people that we love to share in it.

I've seen beautiful bridesmaids dresses on ebay, in America, and they work out as about £15 each including postage, which is fantastic as similar here are easily £70+.

It's not so much that we want to do it on the cheap but more that we know what we want so we're looking for good deals.

Other ways to keep costs down include not getting married on a Saturday at the height of summer. If you get married in December hotels will have their Christmas decorations up so you won't have to add much. You have already bought your dress at a discount which was my next suggestion. As well as cakes, M & S do wedding flowers. Getting friends and family to help out is a great idea, they will generally be pleased to be asked and you do not want to be doing too much yourself. If you do opt for a church wedding it may be possible to get their flower arrangers to do extra for your wedding, in return for a donation.

Don't agonise over having everything match a 'colour scheme'. Nobody but you will notice if the bridesmaids' dresses are a different shade to the seat ties. Honestly.

It sounds as if you and DP are paying for the wedding yourselves. If you are getting help from parents they may want a say in the arrangements/guest list so agree that before you accept. Decide what/if you are prepared to compromise.

Also, you are less keen on a hotel because you will have the ceremony and reception in the same place? However, it will save transport costs and make it easy for your guests. Some hotels may have enough spaces so you could have them in different rooms or ceremony outside (weather permitting so don't rely on it).

@OpiesOldLady
Oh wow! Just over a month to arrange pretty much everything. That must be some kind of a record. Well done and thank you for the bridesmaid dress tip - as well as all the others you've shared!

What seems to be delaying us is looking into all the local venue options and deciding where we'd like to get married and if it's going to be a church wedding or not and those logistics...
Thank goodness we're not in a huge rush, but i'd definitely like to get things booked by end June absolute latest (and for my own sanity if nothing else haha

@Crabbyandproudofit
I should have said, but we are 100 needing to go for a weekday out of season wedding to keep costs down. It's just too expensive for us otherwise. Plus out of principle, I think I'd resent having to pay so much more!

Colour scheme will be defined by the date we choose/end up with. Preference being end of March or April since we can hope/pray the sun could make a surprise appearance (no guarantees of course) and a few venues consider Apr still to be out of season it seems).

Fortunately/unfortunately, DP and I shall be paying for everything so no one else will be getting any say at least.

Great suggestion regarding possibly being able to have an outside ceremony. It would be great if we were able to.

I guess we should consult with hotels directly in regard to their catering as we may have unfairly judged/assumed standards based on our own wedding guest experiences. But essentially I'm vegetarian and get annoyed when the best hotels seem to be able to come up with is boring, bland and overpriced poor quality food and the vegetarian option is rissotto or a stuffed mushroom or the vegan dessert option is a fruit salad. So we had quite liked the idea that perhaps our favourite local restaurant businesses may have been able to have done the catering. But given convenience and price this may need to be up for negotiation/compromise now perhaps...

I had no idea there was so much to consider, but then I don't think we are quite helping ourselves since we've not had m/any firm must haves such as a church ceremony or knowledge of all the local wedding venues and hotels out there.

It will all be worth it in the end of course and I cannot wait until we get to the stage of getting the date and venue booked

Have you looked at the possibility of local community halls / village hall / church hall / parish hall near the Church ? you could definitely get your own caterers then

You may have to visit a few places, to try out their veggie/vegan menu (hopefully not too much of a chore!) You should also be offered a tasting session before you choose your menu (will you be having all veggie, plus vegan/gluten-free/lactose-intolerant?) Make all prospective venues aware that this is very important to you and hopefully they will "up their vegetarian game". (I'm thinking that vegetarian often cheaper than a meat meal so maybe you could try to negotiate a discount or extra glass of wine/free room although most of cost is probably service rather than raw materials.) March/April can be lovely - any local venues have good daffodil displays?

If you were in Scotland I would recommend a Humanist ceremony - you plan with your celebrant what you want, write your own vows, choose non-secular music and readings and include any friends/family/children/dogs that are special to you.

I hope you have a lovely day. Enjoy it because it will go so quickly. The marriage is the really important part, the wedding that goes with it is nice to share with those you love and who love you. I'm sure your wedding will bre the best one you ever go to (not that it is any kind of competition).

There was a Wedding Planner Ask Me Anything thread on here a couple of months ago. That might quite useful - she had some good points about what works or not.

100 is a lot of guests. If you can cut some it will help no end. It’s not just food it’s hire of venue/chairs/tables/ toilets/ decorations especially if you go DIY, favours, transport plus obviously food and drink.

If you are thinking of March /April you need to check the dates of Easter and Mother’s Day, so you can avoid them.

@SheWoreBlueVelvet
Fear not! The 100 was typo/autocorrect using my phone. We would definitely struggle to reach 100x to be honest! We are looking at approx 25x for day and a total maximum of 50x for the evening. We could probably even cut that down a bit too if we needed to reduce further.
Thank you!! I will definitely search for that insider expert knowledge post.

@Crabbyandproudofit
At the moment I think the only requirement will be vegetarian and very plain food for DPs father.

Funnily enough I was researching Humanist ceremonies today to find out more about them as I didn't have a clue and we are within 10 miles of our nearest celebrants so this could possibly be an option for us. I need to look into this aspect more though as I was slightly unclear/confused by what celebrants have/could offer, other than experience, versus one of my friends who is good at public speaking and who knows us for a humanist style ceremony - Adele and Alan Carr style! There are telephone numbers listed and so I may try to call one this week to discuss.

@Backforgood
Coincidentally I had begun to consider these styles of venue today also - I'll explain below! #Confused

So this could be me overreacting in the first instance down to being rather scared/shocked/overwhelmed by one of my friends who is a solictor. However, she does not specialise in Family Law, but as such was advising I look into the legalities of marriage versus civil ceremonies and prenuptual agreements. How romantic! But it seems Prenups in the UK are not legally binding and will only be 'considered' by a judge, and we would need to pay for one each using separate independent firms with each one costing £800-£1200 it seems. The only way to reliably protect one's asset apparently is to not get married?!
Her intervention may not have been the best timing, but she said she wanted me to be informed so I was aware of my legal position. I guess maybe this could be normal behaviour for a solicitor and I believe she had my best intentions at heart. Essentially, her concern is I have a number of assets such as property, savings and investments etc I should protect in the event of the worst happening and DP and I ever separating,

Rightly or wrongly, its put me into a bit of a spin where I'm feeling rather overwhelmed as well as confused as I've spent today trying to understand the legalities of marriage versus a civil ceremony versus not getting married at all and opting for a commitment ceremony instead?!

Thinking I need some time to refocus and remember our original motivations for marriage again following this!!