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Original poster

Mother In Law insisting on inviting guest

34 replies

AliceLilac · 07/01/2019 16:07

I’m getting married in May 2020 and although it’s far away, an unwanted guest is causing me stress.

I get on really well with my mother in law however myself and the whole family really dislike her best friend. We’ve told her clearly that only guests attending the whole day and evening are welcome at the church. She reacted to this by saying it’s a public place and that her friend will be coming. I know she’s right about it being a public place but why would she want to go knowing she isn’t invited?

She has since told other family members that she is going to speak to my fiancée on his own to try and change his mind. His dad died when he was young so she is using the guilt card and has angrily said “well who’s going to support me on the day?”

Her friend is extremely controlling, negative and opinionated and will insult all the choices I’ve made. For my sister in laws wedding, she insisted on being in the bridal suite and interfeared with lots of mother of the bride tasks and took over the day. There are also rooms available at the venue and we’ve already said it is family only staying and she’s said no, my friend is staying with me in the room!

The only reason she’s an evening guest is because of my mother in law!

Why can’t she understand our choices and let it be our day?

OP posts:
TinselTimes · 07/01/2019 16:13

Is she definitely just a friend? Not a partner?

Tbh it sounds like a controlling relationship more than a friendship.

Original poster
AliceLilac · 07/01/2019 16:32

Yes just a friend. everyone in the family thinks it is a very intense friendship!

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 16:34

we’ve already said it is family only staying and she’s said no, my friend is staying with me in the room!

Can you stop people staying in a hotel?

She sounds hard work!

Redglitter · 07/01/2019 16:37

Your MIL is technically right. You cant stop people coming into the church. I can't actually see why its a problem her being at the church

SassitudeandSparkle · 07/01/2019 16:46

Anyone can (and will) come into a Church to watch a wedding.

Is there anyone available that will support MIL on the day, a cousin or sibling of hers? Where were you expecting the friend to stay if not with MIL as they sound very close.

notquitethesame · 07/01/2019 16:47

I suspect that unless you can find a way to avoid having her at the church/evening you will actually end up with her there for the full day.

My DM did something similar with a family member that she was very close to but I had disliked intensely and did not really want at my wedding. She also insisted that as the church was a public place he could come along whatever we said. He arrived at the church with her and they made a point of telling everyone that he would have to go home after the church but 'wouldn't miss it for the world' and muttering about what a shame it was that someone who cared so much was not invited to the reception etc. When she heard that one of our friends had not been able to come due to illness they decided that dickhead relative should have her place. We were left with the choice of either making a huge fuss on our wedding day (in this case with someone where part of the reason I didn't want him there was his history of causing trouble) or putting up with his presence. As you can imagine, he muscled his way in to the front of lots of our wedding photos which really irritated me.

I think you need to either accept that your MIL's friend will be there throughout or really put your foot down. From what you've said it sounds like her friend is exactly the sort of person who would tag along to the reception after the church even if she wasn't invited and make a fuss about having to wait in her room until the evening etc

Morgan12 · 07/01/2019 16:50

Honestly I'd just let her come. She will criticise everything as an evening guest anyway. You will hardly see her on the day itself.

Original poster
AliceLilac · 07/01/2019 17:03

It isn’t a hotel it’s only about 4 rooms at the venue

OP posts:
gudrunandtheseeress · 07/01/2019 17:10

I get on really well with my mother in law

It doesn't look like that to me. You need to establish very firm boundaries and step back from MIL until she stops letting her PITA friend try to call the shots on your wedding day. Tell MIL firmly and with no discussion that her friend will not be attending your reception and evening and OH will arrange for family members to support her during the day. Repeat over and over until MIL understands and stops trying to negotiate or go behind your back.

It is your day and you are the one who will be giving out invitations.

Original poster
AliceLilac · 07/01/2019 17:10

The wedding is quite local so her friend would just go home! Why does she need someone to support her? I don’t get it

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 07/01/2019 17:13

Because it will be a pretty lonely day for her if everyone else is in couples - surely you can see that, OP?

gamerchick · 07/01/2019 17:14

Cancel the wedding and elope.

explodingkitten · 07/01/2019 17:15

Don't have a church wedding. Maybe you can sort something out with the vicar that he'll bless your marriage in secret on a different day (and don't tell anyone).

Palaver1 · 07/01/2019 17:19

All your energy is going into the wrong place
What does it mater let the witch come
Not worth it you have so many things to worry about ..

GhostSauce · 07/01/2019 17:20

Is she intending to try and smuggle friend into the reception? Thats something you can definitely enforce by having a bouncer on the door.

UnderHerEye · 07/01/2019 17:23

At the end of the day OP this is your MILs sons wedding too- and it may well bring a barrage of emotions including joy and happiness and also some sadness (the reality of her son growing up and starting his own family is joyful but also bittersweet- a reminder that MIL won’t always be here etc)

If you cut her a bit of slack here it could foster a really nice supportive relationship between you in the future.

Joinourclub · 07/01/2019 17:32

I think I’m on the side of your MIL. If your having a wedding big enough to warrant a reception and then additional evening guests, it seems rude to your MIL not to
include her very best friend. I’d suck it up. I would have thought that any large wedding would a number of critical great aunts, drunk uncles, boring cousins etc

PloddingOnwards · 07/01/2019 17:33

I'd let her have her friend with her she will be on her own everyone else coupled off as you said your partners dad has passed she will want support I'd let her have it it's a special day for her son aswel as yourself.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 07/01/2019 17:37

I’d just invite her to the whole thing. She’s your mums plus one and weddings can be a bit awkward if your on your own.
These things are always full of people who you wouldn’t spend time if you didn’t have to.

Wallywobbles · 07/01/2019 17:37

I think you'll get more supportive answers shortly. I'd say you need to have found an alternative support for her and then be absolutely firm on the matter. First chance for your future DH to show what he's made of.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/01/2019 17:41

OP, you've already said the friend has previous for getting in the bride's room and intefering? No. Just no. It will be much harder to stop her on the day, and it sounds like friend has the hide of a rhino. Can your Df have a word with her? compromise and get her another friend for the day?

Original poster
AliceLilac · 07/01/2019 17:42

Someone understands! What I find strange is that my mum has lots of close friends who wouldn’t expect an invitation nor would she expect me to invite them!

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/01/2019 17:48

Sounds like your mum has better boundaries though.

IDontCareRightNow · 08/01/2019 20:24

I don't understand why you would need to invite you MIL'S best friend it's your wedding a day about you and your husband to be she isn't a friend of yours so say she's not invited! You need to dig your heels in and don't let her spoil your day

user1474894224 · 14/01/2019 23:36

Let her come. A wedding is about joining families together. It sounds like your MiL treats her friend like family. What does it matter to you if she's there. Give her a 'job' to do - so she's involved but will be busy and not able to interfere where you don't want her to. (Did you watch the royal wedding when Meghan's mum was all on her own in the church - how sad/cruel was that.....don't make you MiL be that lady).

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