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Original poster

Children at wedding dilema

98 replies

ohwhattodo2 · 15/06/2018 07:45

Unfortunately this is a baby and wedding one but I really need some advice!

I’m getting married to my fiancé in November this year. Even prior to getting engaged, we both said we would never want babies/young children at our wedding due to the noise/disruption they can cause. Everyone knew this and we do not have children.

Since then, my fiancé’s brother and his wife have had a baby and they will be 13 months old at the time of our wedding. We made it clear that we were still having a ‘no babies/young children’ policy and they seemed ok with this and actually talked about the arrangements for childcare etc.

Our venue has some accommodation on site and we have offered that to family and the bridal/groom party on an optional basis. We can easily fill the rooms should they choose to stay elsewhere so people are not under pressure to stay for the whole weekend.

We expected that they would choose to stay elsewhere so as to not be away from their baby for a whole weekend and there was no problem with this, we understood.

Fast forward to now and they have asked if the baby can come to our wedding and spend the weekend at our venue. They have said this is because they are struggling to find someone to look after their baby so my fiancé offered to pay for a hotel room near by for his brother’s wife’s parents to stay in. His brother and wife don’t want to do that so my fiancé explained our position with no young children and has left it at that despite his brother being extremely annoyed about it and making us feel very bad about our decision.

Our rule regarding the no babies/young children mainly came from the fact that we do not want a crying baby to disrupt the day. They had the exact same rule for their wedding 3 years ago but they want us to change our minds due to the fact that this is now a family baby.

My fiancé is now having second thoughts, not because he wants the baby there, but because he doesn’t want to look like the bad one in the family saying no and causing a rift between him and his brother. He also says we look like hypocrites because my cousin is invited who is 11. I have said there is a big difference between a 13 month old and an 11 year old.

I would like to find out peoples opinions on not allowing a 13 month old but allowing an 11 year old at the wedding as we cannot agree. Also can anyone tell me what having a 13 month old is like at a wedding as every wedding I've been to in the last few years has been child free.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 15/06/2018 12:58

**But I do think it's hypocritical to have an 11 year old there if you have said 'no babies or children'.

Especially since the child allowed to attend is your family and the child not allowed is the grooms family.**

Ha! So your family’s 11 year old can come but your BIL 13 month old can’t. OP you are a hypocrite and completely unreasonable.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2018 13:05

Sorry, but I'd stick to my guns. They won't be the type to take the baby out if he/she is disruptive. You've offered alternatives. They don't want to take it. And a baby is nothing like an 11-year-old.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2018 13:12

But the alternative was her parents sitting in a hotel all weekend with a 13 month old so they can pop back and see it. Yes they offered to pay for the room but it will still cost them to eat all weekend and basically stay stuck in or around the room all weekend. Perhaps her parents have told her no chance!

gingerfoxcub · 15/06/2018 13:14

I'd stick to my guns too. My 13 month old would be a total nightmare at a wedding. She chatters constantly, wants to be on the move so would be lurching around while I try to hold onto her, would be into all the new faces and flowers and trying to grab stuff. Even if she wasn't crying or doing anything you'd typically remove them for, she'd still be distruptive to people around her.

BlueBiros · 15/06/2018 13:47

I don't think assuming that SIL's parents would be willing and able to sit in a hotel room all weekend is a reasonable alternative. My parents are pretty good about babysitting but it would be an absolute "no chance" in this instance.

Another thought tho - is your wedding venue close to where you live and do they live nearby? I'm just wondering if there is a reason they can't get a babysitter and go home at the end of the night. I've driven back from a wedding an hour away. The only real issue was not drinking, but to be honest it was the most fun I've had at a wedding regardless.

shiklah · 15/06/2018 13:56

I don't understand - he is your nephew - why would it matter if he made a little cry and was then taken out.

We watched our wedding video about a month after the wedding and were amazed that 2 babies and a toddler cried during our vows and were removed - we were focused on each other and didn't notice at the time.

In my opinion any attempt to have a 'perfect' wedding is foolish. Marriage is not perfect and nor is life, your wedding won't be either.

Original poster
ohwhattodo2 · 15/06/2018 14:11

We don't expect SIL's parents to stay in the hotel for the whole weekend. Even though we have got the accommodation on site, we always anticipated that DP's brother and his wife would only stay for one night in a local hotel due to having the baby and we did not have an issue with this.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2018 14:14

How very magnanimous of you.

Tyne point is they'd still be in a hotel for an overnight and through the whole wedding so parents can pop back as and when.

AlexanderHamilton · 15/06/2018 14:22

It’s absolutely your prerogative to say no babies/children but you have to understand that may mean some guests will not be able to attend.

Getting a babysitter for such a young child is almost impossible when most of the people you would call on will he at the wedding. Sil’s parents may be unable or unwilling to have the baby for that length of time.

I would have been very upset if a close/immediate family member had a no children wedding as it would have shown me that I did not matter enough to them for me to be able to attend.

greendale17 · 15/06/2018 14:27

And a baby is nothing like an 11-year-old.

^You are missing the point. OP has stated no children or babies. So is the 11 year old
from her side of the family allow to come?

expatinscotland · 15/06/2018 14:33

'^You are missing the point. OP has stated no children or babies. So is the 11 year old
from her side of the family allow to come?'

Sure, why not? I'm not missing the point at all. She said no young children or babies. An 11-year-old is not a young child.

There'd be no way in hell I'd have toddlers at my wedding. I can't abide them to begin with. I found it the hardest stage when mine were toddlers. They're disruptive as hell, the parents usually don't take them out, think they're adorable. These parents seem to fit that bill, stamping their feeties because they are not getting their way even when they'd been offered alternatives, exhibiting toddler behaviour themselves.

Lindy2 · 15/06/2018 14:41

It's your wedding so it's up to you. Our wedding was child free until the evening do. However, there was one child that was a close family member and we invited her to the whole event.
I do think there is a big difference in 10+ various aged young children of friends being invited compared to 1 or 2 close relations who are children.
I would invite the baby and also the 11 year old who is not a young child. I would not invite the children of more distant relatives or friends.
That way you are pretty much child free but without it becoming a big issue.

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/06/2018 14:49

I'd stick to your guns. Especially given the hypocracy of the brother who banned children from his own wedding but now is having a hissy fit when the rule applies to his child.

I would give some serious thought to also banning the 11 year old to show some semblance of fairness (and that both sides of the family are impacted rather than just the groom's).

If the brother/groom's family decides this causes a family rift, that's on them rather than the OP and her groom to be. I wouldn't be bullied by them on your wedding day.

BlueBiros · 15/06/2018 15:28

If the brother/groom's family decides this causes a family rift

I would say a family rift is probably an unavoidable consequence of making it very difficult for your sibling to attend your wedding.

Depends on the family tho - if I didn't invite my nephew to my wedding that in itself would cause a family rift. I suppose if I didn't care enough to make concessions to allow a nephew (and potentially a brother) to attend my wedding then I probably wouldn't be that fussed about causing a family rift anyway.

lifechangesforever · 15/06/2018 15:37

Agree with you and believe you should stick to your guns. We only allowed children who were part of the wedding party to our wedding and all were 3+

It's very nice of you to offer to pay for parents to stay nearby and I think that's a great solution.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2018 15:44

Its only a great solution if they have someone to have him there. It's not like they can leave him in the hotel alone.

You might as well tell them that you're happy for SIL to not come as that's preferable to having your nephew attend.

And unless BIL had a close family child who he banned that meant other close family member couldn't come, it isn't hypocritical.

Sillybilly1234 · 15/06/2018 15:47

Stick to your guns.

You have given them enough notice and been as accommodating as you could.

You will regret it if it ruins your wedding and will always annoy you.

MsJolly · 15/06/2018 15:53

TBH DHs brother did this to us-no babies rule-despite the fact we were flying in from Toronto and the fact that DDs birth was the spark that made him propose (on the day if her birth!). DD went to my sister and was kind of ok though quite unsettled as she was only 15months.
Got to the venue to see not one but two of their friends there with babies of a similar age to DD-I was very pissed off and it really spoiled it for us.

kissthealderman · 15/06/2018 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreeMantle · 15/06/2018 16:25

Could you not agree to the baby at the venue as long as it's not at the ceremony or reception. Then the brother and wife can tag team the child care. Not ideal but it honestly some instances are impossible to find good childcare solutions for.
An 11 year old could be at secondary school so way different from a young child.

Lemonsherberts · 15/06/2018 16:34

I normally prefer not to take ds to a wedding and have adult time.
However if the venue is far away I can understand it being a bit of a pain for them.
I don’t think Yabu at all. However if I was your sil and it was too much hassle, arranging accommodation and accomodation for my parents (who may not want the upheaval of looking after a baby in a hotel) I would probably just wish you well and tell my dh to go alone. I wouldn’t think you were unreasonable for not changing the plans and I would hope you didn’t think I was unreasonable for declining the invite.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 15/06/2018 16:38

If I got invited and not my children I wouldn't go either and that's fine. I certainly wouldn't expect you to change your plans on my account. Seeing as this is a close family baby would you not like photos including the child in years to come? Just a though. Congratulations on your wedding Smile

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 15/06/2018 17:04

I would be fine either way but if you make a decision suck to it. Don't say no kids then have two family members (me and cousin) leave their still breast feeding babies with family for most of the day only to turn up and find out the bride had let other people have kids there. Kids of the same sort of age. The relationship has never recovered fully.

goldentriangle · 15/06/2018 17:18

I think you are being a bit precious. The point of a wedding is to make a commitment infront of and supported by family and friends. The people who will be there for your marriage and family in the years ahead. It really doesn't matter if a baby cries and anyway most people would take baby out if that happened. I think you need to look at the big life long picture and think is this worth falling out over? It really is just a day, a special one but things often go wrong ( things forgotten, someone poorly, the cake is horrible) it doesn't mean the marriage is doomed. Let your nephew come and enjoy being part of a big supportive family.

goldentriangle · 15/06/2018 17:22

Just read through post shiklah said it better than me.