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Original poster

Children at wedding dilema

98 replies

ohwhattodo2 · 15/06/2018 07:45

Unfortunately this is a baby and wedding one but I really need some advice!

I’m getting married to my fiancé in November this year. Even prior to getting engaged, we both said we would never want babies/young children at our wedding due to the noise/disruption they can cause. Everyone knew this and we do not have children.

Since then, my fiancé’s brother and his wife have had a baby and they will be 13 months old at the time of our wedding. We made it clear that we were still having a ‘no babies/young children’ policy and they seemed ok with this and actually talked about the arrangements for childcare etc.

Our venue has some accommodation on site and we have offered that to family and the bridal/groom party on an optional basis. We can easily fill the rooms should they choose to stay elsewhere so people are not under pressure to stay for the whole weekend.

We expected that they would choose to stay elsewhere so as to not be away from their baby for a whole weekend and there was no problem with this, we understood.

Fast forward to now and they have asked if the baby can come to our wedding and spend the weekend at our venue. They have said this is because they are struggling to find someone to look after their baby so my fiancé offered to pay for a hotel room near by for his brother’s wife’s parents to stay in. His brother and wife don’t want to do that so my fiancé explained our position with no young children and has left it at that despite his brother being extremely annoyed about it and making us feel very bad about our decision.

Our rule regarding the no babies/young children mainly came from the fact that we do not want a crying baby to disrupt the day. They had the exact same rule for their wedding 3 years ago but they want us to change our minds due to the fact that this is now a family baby.

My fiancé is now having second thoughts, not because he wants the baby there, but because he doesn’t want to look like the bad one in the family saying no and causing a rift between him and his brother. He also says we look like hypocrites because my cousin is invited who is 11. I have said there is a big difference between a 13 month old and an 11 year old.

I would like to find out peoples opinions on not allowing a 13 month old but allowing an 11 year old at the wedding as we cannot agree. Also can anyone tell me what having a 13 month old is like at a wedding as every wedding I've been to in the last few years has been child free.

OP posts:
Mummyme87 · 15/06/2018 10:07

We have a 4yr old and what will be an 8months old likely to still be breastfeeding when we have a family wedding in October. They have said only immediate family children invited. That is their prerogative however we politely declined the invite as 1. We wouldn’t have childcare anyway 2. I wouldn’t want to leave a young baby.
I can understand how the couple in your scenario may not want to leave their small baby, I think until you have children you cannot appreciate the enormity of leaving them especially when they are little. However, I wouldn’t ask or expect someone to change the plan for their own wedding

Mummyme87 · 15/06/2018 10:09

Oh and regarding experience of babies and children at weddings, mainly fine. Most sensible people remove screaming children as appropriate. We are planning our wedding and inviting 28 children potentially ranging from a few months old to 11yrs. We are putting some childcare arrangements in place to keep them occupied

Heismyopendoor · 15/06/2018 10:13

Generally if a baby was to cry the parent would take him/her out.

The baby is family so I thlove no it’s pretty unfair.

notacooldad · 15/06/2018 10:19

I think you would have been better having immediate famliy babies only rather than an outright ban.
The weddings I have been to with babies and children there seem more happier and inclusive. It's like everyone young and old is there to celebrate and have fun afterward.

I didn't want kids at our wedding ( a couple of decades ago!) but was over ruled as DP is from a huge family with relatives from new born (whose wedding we will be attending in a few months!!!!!!) to people who are no longer with us.

Do what you want but the brother is a pretty important family member to be left out of the wedding for an enforced rule for your 'perfect' day.

Cliveybaby · 15/06/2018 10:26

We have said:
"We would like to politely request that guests do not bring babies or small children to the service unless they can sit still for the duration (45 minutes)."
So I'm hoping the ones with babies will just come to the reception

ducklife · 15/06/2018 10:40

Just tell your fiancé to remind his brother that they had the same rule at their wedding. You could suggest that the bil in laws have the baby during the service & sit down bit & then they are all welcome afterwards/evening? Then you don't risk any disturbance?

However - if you can't find a compromise & the baby doesn't come you may find it an issue between you & your prospective mil in the future...

ducklife · 15/06/2018 10:42

Also - I'd have been looking forward to dumping my 13 month old with my parents for a day off at a lovely wedding, but that's just meGrin

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 15/06/2018 10:47

Think longer term and what you would be happy with if /when you have a dc and you get a wedding invite?

kissthealderman · 15/06/2018 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonBreeland · 15/06/2018 10:53

I don't have a problem with babies at weddings , however the brother is being a hypocrite insisting his baby is allowed to your wedding, when he didn't allow them at his.

mustbemad17 · 15/06/2018 10:55

If it's set out beforehand - as yours was - then they have no excuse to moan. Altho the 'no children' rule isn't really what you have is it, more a 'no small children' - they might be a bit miffed that someone else's child (even at 13) is allowed but not theirs

mustbemad17 · 15/06/2018 10:57
  • stupid thing, posted before i was done!!

It looks like you have been clear from the offset AND offered alternatives. They're being cheeky sods tbh.

MirandaWest · 15/06/2018 10:59

My nephew was 18 months old at our wedding. He was quiet in all the relevant parts and was lovely to have him there.

Jaxhog · 15/06/2018 11:00

Generally if a baby was to cry the parent would take him/her out.
The problem is that you can't guarantee they will. Some parents can be breathtakingly unreasonable about this. Babies also draw attention away. And once you open the flood gates...

I'd stick with your original agreement of no babies. It'll be a test of how badly your fiance's brother wants to celebrate your wedding.

Morgan12 · 15/06/2018 11:04

What do you think will happen if the baby cries?

yikesanotherbooboo · 15/06/2018 11:09

I can understand reducing numbers of children at weddings where loads of friends have children and the costs escalate but I do think YABa bit U about your DP's DN. this is very close family and it seems odd to me to not facilitate everyone in the immediate family being able to attend. Personally I can't relate to baby free weddings at all. Of course parents can leave their baby/ toddler at home if they wish( and many do) but for some families this is not possible.
If the baby cries in the service I am sure it's parents will dash out of the church/ Hall. I have been to dozens of weddings and never been aware of a nuisance child. Of course they occasionally cry or get excited but that can be dealt with by parents.
As far as your ils wedding being childfree 3 years ago ; I can see the irony but you are not children to be saying tit for tat.
Be the bigger person if you like to look at it like that.

crazycatgal · 15/06/2018 11:19

Stick to your guns OP.

They had no babies at their wedding but now won't accept that you don't want any at your wedding. You've tried to offer a solution for them, it's up to them if they take it or not.

elportodelgato · 15/06/2018 11:22

Stick to your guns OP. I love love love a child free wedding - such bliss to have a cast iron reason to get a babysitter and have some fun with other grown ups, being able to enjoy the ceremony without babies yelling, toddlers running around etc etc and then being able to drink and swear and let your hair down.

They're being v unreasonable, you've been clear about what you want and they're being cheeky fuckers.

notheretoargue · 15/06/2018 11:22

Yabu. This is your nephew. He’s a part of the family you’re marrying into. He’s one of the people that will care about you for the rest of your life.

Children at weddings are fine as long as the parents are sensitive and sensible. Your in laws probably had no idea a few months ago how they would feel about leaving their child and wanted to comply with your wishes. Why do you think that your sister in laws parents should give up their weekend for you (to look after your nephew during your special day), but you can’t find it in yourself to be generous and loving towards your nephew for a couple of hours?

Snappedandfarted2018 · 15/06/2018 11:23

I think yabu as people said babies tend to be better behaved than older dc. She is your niece and party of your family I could understand if it was friends baby but not family . I speak as someone who had my one year old dd at the time when we got married, she didn’t disturb the celebrations at all.

User0304 · 15/06/2018 11:27

My DHs nephew was 3 at our wedding and screamed the entire way through! BIL took him out halfway through the vows but you could still hear him and it ruined my wedding tbh...

Notonthestairs · 15/06/2018 11:29

We didn't have children at our wedding but we did have half a dozen babies as the majority were still being breastfed. They were no trouble.

13 months is trickier though as for example my son would have been on the move and gabbling etc so is likely to need more interaction during the service that just being cuddled/fed.

I think you've been clear and offered workable solutions so you are not unreasonable.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2018 11:29

What's the problem with SILs parents staying nearby in a hotel you're assuming sil's parents want to spend ask weekend in a hotel with a 13 month old so they can be there for whenever the parents want to pop in.

Op 13 month old are generally not at the random crying age and can normally be distracted easily.

I'm sure some babies cried at my wedding, honestly I was pretty tuned out to it all.

I'd say yes to them bringing your nephew - that's what he is. Not just your H2B's brothers child and at most say you'd appreciate it if one of them would take him out if he gets restless.

Neolara · 15/06/2018 11:33

I think it's going to cause immense bad feelings to ban your nephew. Is it really worth it? I think the other guests would totally understand if immediate family is allowed to bring kids and they are not, so allowing your nephew to come would not open the floodgates to having to accommodate hundreds of children. I'd just be very clear with your bill that if the baby cries it is to be taken out ASAP.

Steeley113 · 15/06/2018 11:36

No babies means no babies. I personally wouldn’t have a child free wedding but my best friend is. I asked her when I received my invite ‘are kids invited?’ She started fumbling over it and I said ‘seriously, it’s fine, it’s your wedding. If I can’t find childcare, I’ll just attend alone not with DH if that’s ok?’ And she was relieved! Hopefully no one pressures her about her decision!