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Original poster

Children at wedding dilema

98 replies

ohwhattodo2 · 15/06/2018 07:45

Unfortunately this is a baby and wedding one but I really need some advice!

I’m getting married to my fiancé in November this year. Even prior to getting engaged, we both said we would never want babies/young children at our wedding due to the noise/disruption they can cause. Everyone knew this and we do not have children.

Since then, my fiancé’s brother and his wife have had a baby and they will be 13 months old at the time of our wedding. We made it clear that we were still having a ‘no babies/young children’ policy and they seemed ok with this and actually talked about the arrangements for childcare etc.

Our venue has some accommodation on site and we have offered that to family and the bridal/groom party on an optional basis. We can easily fill the rooms should they choose to stay elsewhere so people are not under pressure to stay for the whole weekend.

We expected that they would choose to stay elsewhere so as to not be away from their baby for a whole weekend and there was no problem with this, we understood.

Fast forward to now and they have asked if the baby can come to our wedding and spend the weekend at our venue. They have said this is because they are struggling to find someone to look after their baby so my fiancé offered to pay for a hotel room near by for his brother’s wife’s parents to stay in. His brother and wife don’t want to do that so my fiancé explained our position with no young children and has left it at that despite his brother being extremely annoyed about it and making us feel very bad about our decision.

Our rule regarding the no babies/young children mainly came from the fact that we do not want a crying baby to disrupt the day. They had the exact same rule for their wedding 3 years ago but they want us to change our minds due to the fact that this is now a family baby.

My fiancé is now having second thoughts, not because he wants the baby there, but because he doesn’t want to look like the bad one in the family saying no and causing a rift between him and his brother. He also says we look like hypocrites because my cousin is invited who is 11. I have said there is a big difference between a 13 month old and an 11 year old.

I would like to find out peoples opinions on not allowing a 13 month old but allowing an 11 year old at the wedding as we cannot agree. Also can anyone tell me what having a 13 month old is like at a wedding as every wedding I've been to in the last few years has been child free.

OP posts:

mustbemad17 · 15/06/2018 11:38

DPs daughter is getting married when i will have a 4 month old in tow...quite frankly i'm dreading it. She is allowing kids as has 2 herself but i'd much prefer not to have to take him 🙈

soberexpat · 15/06/2018 11:40

I flew half way round the world for a close friend's wedding and one child whined and crescendoed into tears throughout the ceremony. It was so loud and distracting that We could barely hear the vows. Awful.

He wasn't taken out by the father (the mother was a bridesmaid and he said he didn't want to miss it.)

Stick to your guns, especially if they had the same rule at their wedding!

Notonthestairs · 15/06/2018 11:42

What about someone taking care of him during the service (granny or sister) and then he could join you for the meal, photos etc?

Notonthestairs · 15/06/2018 11:43

Or your Sil agrees to sit close to the door to nip out if he becomes bored or rather when he becomes bored.

CrazyOldBagLady · 15/06/2018 11:44

As long as your BIL and SIL agree to remove DN from the service if he gets upset or rowdy I don’t really see the problem. He is close family so it seems callous to not extend the invitation to him. If you put your foot down about this then it sounds as if they might not be able to attend at all, which might mean your relationship with the three of them suffers. Your reasons to not allow him don’t really seem enough to risk the potential fallout on this one.

RafikiIsTheBest · 15/06/2018 11:44

I'd be happy to have small children there, and am very pro-child at weddings, they are not just part of the family but the future of it and I think they always make the day more special and look great in the photos!
But this is your (and your H2Bs) wedding and if that is what you had decided then stick to it. If the toddler is charging about, falling over, crying, wittering, drawing attention are you going to regret it and hold a grudge against BIL? I can't see how that is any better than them holding a grudge against you for not letting the child come.
And yes 11y/o is totally different from 1y/o. Even more ridiculous they had that same rule for their wedding but are trying to force you to change it for yours. What entitled CFs they are (IMO).

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 15/06/2018 11:48

Tbh if there is a child ban then you really shouldn't have the 11 year old there. It does look hypocritical.
But it's your wedding at the end of the day so people shouldn't be asking u to have arrangements .

fruitbrewhaha · 15/06/2018 11:51

Surely you won't even notice the baby there?

I love a childfree wedding but that normally means children of friends. It's a great excuse to leave the kids at grandparents. My mother had my DD when she was 9 mo, she was exclusively breastfed too, I pumped for weeks before.

The children of family I thought are normally an exception. Surely all your DPs family will love to see the baby and help etc.

I think you are over thinking it.

Namechangemum100 · 15/06/2018 11:54

I have a 16 month old and personally wouldn't see it as being much of a problem as long as the parents are considerate of the wedding and manage the baby properly.

If I was to take DD, then either me or dh would remove her immediately if she caused any disruption. Toddlers/babies are pretty simple creatures really, so as long as the parents are managing the situation appropriately then the 13 month old should cause minimal/no disruption.

Timeisslippingaway · 15/06/2018 11:59

I thinks really weird when people want to exclude children from weddings. I just don't get it at all.

Original poster

ohwhattodo2 · 15/06/2018 11:59

Thanks for everyone's replies.

My future ILs haven't actually said anything to us about it. It is just DP's brother and wife who are annoyed.

My DP has said he's not changed his mind because he wants his nephew there, it's because he doesn't want to look bad to his family. He has also said that if his nephew did come to the wedding, he doesn't want him to be at the ceremony or during the speeches in case of any noise or disruption as we are having a videographer who will be filming it all from the back.

To complicate matters, the ceremony is in a building all by itself so for someone to step out of the room, it would mean standing outside and as it may be bad weather in November, I don't think anyone will want to do that unfortunately.

OP posts:

BlueBiros · 15/06/2018 12:09

causing a rift between him and his brother

This is the big one for me. You need to weigh up your (plural) wish for a child free wedding against the possibility of the brother refusing to attend and/or falling out with you (plural).

Having a child free wedding is personal choice, but it does run the risk of people who have children being unable to attend and you don't have the right to get arsey about it. Which is why most "child free" weddings make an exception for immediate family.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2018 12:10

Is BIL part of the wedding party? Will he come on his own and leave SIL at home with DN?

Notonthestairs · 15/06/2018 12:11

Well if your SIL has a sister willing to keep him occupied during the service and speeches then that might be the compromise you can all work with. If the sister were prepared to do that however I think she should be invited to the meal, drinks etc - not just left to a hotel room (unless that's what she wants).

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 15/06/2018 12:12

can't you get 3 babysitters to look after the kids. This is how we do it in kenya.

Kids ruin weddings. Parents can't focus, so they mares well not come.....

2good · 15/06/2018 12:15

I think it's very unfair of them to put this pressure on you. Weddings are stressful enough as it is. At 13 months most of my friends have had a night away from their baby and it's not the end of the world.

Lightsong · 15/06/2018 12:22

Of course it's up to to, it's your wedding.

But I do think it's hypocritical to have an 11 year old there if you have said 'no babies or children'.

Especially since the child allowed to attend is your family and the child not allowed is the grooms family.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2018 12:23

Kids ruin weddings. Parents can't focus, so they mares well not come.....
You do realise that not all children are naughty, noisy our disruptive? The children at my wedding were typical children, certainly not angels but they added to the atmosphere. I've also taken DS to a wedding where he happily sat on the floor and played quietly. I saw the wedding, we enjoyed the meal, we had a dance.
OP and DF can exclude their nephew if they think he'll ruin THEIR wedding

reddressblueshoes · 15/06/2018 12:36

We had four babies at our child-free wedding as we basically made an exception for godchildren/nieces and nephews and breastfeeding babies. Nobody made a sound, didn't notice a thing.

I can also honestly say: I have never looked at our wedding video, and a rift with your DHs brother will matter so much more to you in a year than the quality of your wedding video.

If you can say to them: please sit by an exit/bring him outside if he starts to make a noise, I think that is fair. I was at one wedding which was meant to be child free but they made an exception for a bridesmId's son who they decided would be a cute pageboy: he ran up and down the aisles of the church the whole time in squeaky leather shoes which were a bit ridiculous for a two year old anyway while his mother and father smiled indulgently at him. Conversely, I don't know if any of the 7 children from 6 months to 8 years cried or made a noise at our wedding/reception but if they did their parents whisked them away within seconds.

If they know you're compromising for them, presumably they're more likely to take him out if he's noisy. I think you'd be better to compromise.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 15/06/2018 12:49

Whatever you decide please absolutely spell it out on the invites.
We had a very small wedding with verbal invites - think my dc and 2 friends.
Night before, friend's dd posted pics on Instagram of her +dsis dress for the wedding!!
I was raging to say the least, upset at best.
On the photos 1 of the dd's pops up on every fucking picture like Where's Wally in a fuschia pink dress!!

sashh · 15/06/2018 12:51

Can you get a babysitter / nanny for the day? Someone to look after the baby for the ceremony and carry on until after the speeches?

Ellboo · 15/06/2018 12:54

Laughing at the poster who said babies ‘draw the attention away’. Perhaps a roving spotlight to make sure nobody forgets for a moment that it is ALL ABOUT THE BRIDE?!

Heismyopendoor · 15/06/2018 12:56

jaxhog

No one I know would not take their kids out. At my wedding all children were fine.

Who will the babies be taking attention away from jaxhog? The bride?

greendale17 · 15/06/2018 12:56

At 13 months most of my friends have had a night away from their baby and it's not the end of the world.

^I couldn’t have left my DS at 13 months overnight. He slept 2 hours at a time.

Gazelda · 15/06/2018 12:56

Which is more important to you -

a calm and perfect video
a harmonious relationship with your ILs?

You seem to (understandably) want a picture perfect wedding day, but the cost of this will be either your BIL not coming to the wedding/huge imposition on your SIL's parents.

Is it worth it in exchange for a small risk of a cute little attention stealer being able to share a special family occasion?

And I think the fact your 11yo cousin will be there might sting your ILs even more.

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