Messy wedding situation, major anxiety!

[Helpmeplan]

Back story. Mother and I have a very difficult relationship, and there have been times she has stopped speaking for years.

Currently she lives 200 miles away, which is nice, but she has decided to move 45 miles away which is far too close. This was announced today.

Announced DP and I are getting married and she has started taking over. Whilst Dad and her are being lovely about paying for the reception etc I have this awful sense of obligation again.

She has spoken to the photographer about editing out my tattoos, told me I'll look stupid with a veil, announced my shoes are not suitable. Badgers me about every detail, and I'm at the point that I want to run away and get married in secret. She is actually stressing me out to the point I want to cry. I can't deal with her. She has to be in charge, and centre of attention, and I am at the point where I am dreading our wedding day.

Thank her for the financial help offer but decline. Then do it how you like. Every time she criticises something, just shrug, look blank and change the convo.

Don't take her money and don't tell her the details. Remember she can only take over if you let her.

I agree with others- don’t accept the offer of help paying if it comes with all these strings attached and if your relationship isn’t great. It is you and your partners wedding, do things the way you want to. She is a guest and shouldn’t be interfering! Politely and calmly explain you don’t need her help but are looking forward to the big day and her being there, and then gather a forcefield of friends to form a human shield to protect you from her if you think she will be trouble on the day (assuming you still want her there that is).

Put your foot down now. I did it with my mum, best but most difficult thing I did. Tell her you're grateful for the evening do, but that her demands are making you want to cancel the whole thing. Ask her to back off a bit and consider the effect her words are having on you.

If it all blows up, would you get married without her there? If so, you hold all the cards.

Gifts should come with bows, not strings.

There will be a maximum of 9 of us if mum, dad and nan come. Right now I'm sitting here wanting to cry debating whether to talk to dp about changing the date and just having his parents as witnesses. I feel totally pathetic but I feel sick! Doesn't help I've not long had viral meningitis and it's taking a long time for me to recover.

Just she has always been like this.

Tempting to just have our day, then have the celebrations she wants when we were originally getting married.

It is you and your DP's wedding. No-one elses. Tell her. And if nothing changes, cancel it and elope. Christ, I would find that infuriating.

Thank you Just . I think DP and I need a chat when our visitors leave.

You’re not pathetic! You’ve been conditioned to put up with her dominating and ruining things by putting her needs above yours. It sounds like with some time and distance you’ve realised how unhealthy her behaviour is and that’s why it’s even harder now with your wedding in her sights.

Follow your instinct to cancel, so she’ll probably stop talking to you for a while, not a bad thing with the forthcoming move. It might even stop her from doing it! Win win.

This is YOUR wedding. It’s your day. Your marriage. You have to find a way to start your marriage in a way that makes you happy, relaxed, comfortable, excited. Cancelling the big bun fight is the best of doing this. Do it when you both want. Where you want. With whom you want. In the way you want. Wear whatever you feel beautiful in. Have a veil! God I love a veil. Don’t think not having a big shebang means you can’t have a veil or a gorgeous dress, a cake, a special meal.

The whole thing can become so claustrophobic, even without the involvement and interference of somoeone who seems hell bent on ruining it for you by shattering your confidence and shitting all over your wishes and your day.

Your mother had her wedding. This is yours.

Honestly, don’t take the money because it comes with strings that will strangle you.

Bin it off. Wear the shoes you love! Plan something that will be special to you and your husband to be. That is all that matters.

Trust me when I say I don't want the money! I'm going to talk to dp, I think once he understands how anxious I am he'll agree.

Would your DDad have a word with her or is he railroaded by her too?

Anything for an easy life is his motto. Always been the same. Oh bloody hell. Speaking to dp will probably put things into perspective.

If her behaviour is that blatant, your DP will probably be relieved that you're questioning her involvement.

Elope, I did and it was the best thing I ever did.

Ffs still can't talk to dp because our visitors are now stopping for dinner and we had no time to talk last night.

Anyone got any suggestions for cheap quick weddings other than vegas?

Gretna Green? Or your local registry office. My mum was like this back in the 1980's when we got married. If I ever re-marry, I'm widowed, it would be small with just my/his children and their partners there.

It was literally both sets of parents and bil and sil. Think we're down to 2 people barr us now.

Crear wee wee endings was mine 4 weeks ago. They have two venues, the cottage is for 2-6 people. They arrange, accommodation, flowers, cake, photographer and a piper (who then become witnesses).i got married on abeach overlooking Jura and some seals.

www.weeweddings.co.uk

www.weeweddings.co.uk/caiselrag-cottage/

Tell her you're thinking of having a nudist ceremony, decline the money as you won't need a wedding dress or veil and put the phone down on the poisonous bat.

Your wedding, your rules.

Fluffy that looks amazing.

Ijust I think I have to do that on facetime or skype just to see her face 😂

Your wedding, your way.