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Original poster

I sort of want to cancel my wedding :(

28 replies

BirthdayKake · 05/05/2018 14:45

Well, not cancel cancel. Just change it completely. I'm excited to be married to DP, but I'm dreading the wedding day.

There's only about 30 people coming, but I hate being the centre of attention and I just don't want to do it. Especially in a big (ish) dress in the August heat. It's also my second wedding so it feels a bit silly.

Just talked to DP about it and he was very quiet so I know he's gutted I feel this way. He also wouldn't want to lose money on things we've already put deposits down on (not much tbf; still hundreds more to pay)

:(

OP posts:
EleanorHooverbelt · 05/05/2018 14:54

Sounds like you have no choice but to see it through now.

So what you need to do is get into a great mindset about it. It's only a few hours and you never know if you cancelled it, you might end up regretting THAT too.

Tell your DP you just had a few wobbles (not about him!) but about your nerves on the day.

Then, set about getting yourself in the mood. Do you have a good friend/bridesmaid to help give moral support? Find the excitement in your day. Even the shyest of us can find something good about this.

Think of those 30 people who care about you so much they will give up their day and travel and dress up to share your moment with you. That's got to be worth something, right?

A second wedding is just as worth celebrating as a first. I speak from experience!

Flowers (for your bouquet)

EleanorHooverbelt · 05/05/2018 15:03

This thread may help?

www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/emotional-support/wedding-nerves/anxiety/303076.html

EleanorHooverbelt · 05/05/2018 15:04

Meghan is marrying Prince Harry and it will be her second wedding, so you can totally do this OP Grin

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 05/05/2018 15:06

These days, 30 guests is a relatively small wedding - so making the assumption that you and your fiance are choosing who you really want to be there. My daughter is the same - doesn't like to be centre of attention. It was either big wedding/small honeymoon, or small wedding/big honeymoon - they opted for the latter. It was a beautiful day - enjoyed by everyone - including the bride!
Regarding your dress - weather in August = no guarantee. Also, if you're still concerned - can it be exchanged/returned?
Embrace and enjoy your special day Flowers

SilverHairedCat · 05/05/2018 15:07

What would make it better for you? Is it your DPs first wedding?

EleanorHooverbelt · 05/05/2018 15:07

CBT, meditation, hypnosis can all be employed to help you.

You still have time to turn this wedding around.

EleanorHooverbelt · 05/05/2018 15:09

Be Excited

“A hot tip to stop nerves from escalating is to allow yourself to feel excited. What people don’t realise is that a lot of the anxiety they experience is actually suppressed excitement. If you do not consciously think of managing your stress levels, the tendency is to breathe very shallowly from the top of your chest and to begin shaking, just as you would if you were suddenly threatened. To stop this happening take long slow deep breaths and to flex your shoulders. This is a tip not just for your wedding day, but for life!”

Top Tips on Banishing Wedding Day Nerves

www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-planning/organising-and-planning/top-tips-on-banishing-wedding-day-nerves_686.htm

AnnieAnoniMouser · 05/05/2018 15:16

Of course you don’t have to go through with it.

You can cancel it.

Your wedding needs to make you happy. If it’s not going to make you happy then you need to change it.

Spend some time thinking about what would make you happy, then see if there’s anything you know DP really wants and see what you feel able to compromise on.

See what deposits can be moved to something you actually want.

Then talk to him again. You are getting married. You should both want the other one to be happy on your wedding day, or it really doesn’t bode well does it? There’s much more to life than money.

EleanorHooverbelt · 05/05/2018 15:22

Something has changed between you arranging all this and now.

What were your feelings when you arranged this wedding? Why didn't you choose to elope or something?

Is it anxiety? Do you find anxiety is cheating you out of things you deep-down want to enjoy?

I think you need to explore, with the help of this thread, what is really happening here.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2018 15:27

I've been married more than once. It was DH's first time. We eloped. Much better.

RandomMess · 05/05/2018 15:30

Why don't you choose a very different dress? That alone makes it all less full on IYSWIM?

Dozer · 05/05/2018 15:33

Why did you book the things that are arranged?

If you’re in the UK it may not even be hot in August.

CollyWombles · 05/05/2018 15:37

I have been married twice. My second wedding was my dream day. There were about 8 guests, DH and my 4dc. My DC walked me down the aisle to Scottish pipe music and the registrar office overlooked huge gardens and islands. I was wearing £29.99 red gown from eBay, my DS2 and 2 were in next waistcoats and brimmed hats from a next sale with a corner handkerchief in the pocket of the waistcoats to match my dress. DH suit came from a charity shop and his tie matched my dress. My girls were in white next dresses with a sash to match the dress. It was just such a beautiful day and we went to the islands next to the registrar for people to take pictures. Afterward we went back to our house and the catering was just simple soup and sandwiches, then we all got drunk. Except the DC of course.

Anyways, little walk down memory lane there. My point is that I savour the memory of my wedding day. My first wedding was terrible, I didn't like the white dress, my hair was awful, a lot more guests and people commenting when certain family members didn't show.

Your wedding day should be so special. Please don't 'make the best of it'. Cancel it and rearrange for what you both really want. Best of luck.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 15:39

I know many, many married people with mixed feelings about their wedding day, including some about their second weddings. Some because their DP had different wishes.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 15:41

Sometimes there isn’t a “what you both want” and no obvious compromise.

ArtBrut · 05/05/2018 15:43

I say change it if you don't want to do what's been arranged. My now-husband would have loved a huge wedding, which was my idea of hell, especially as, though I adored and adore him, I didn't particularly want to get married at all. My compromise was that I agreed to marry him, but with two witnesses in a registry office, and no fuss.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 05/05/2018 15:43

30 guests is not many really from two families so I'm imagining they are close family and friends. Get a dress you absolutely love that may be more low key than a big wedding dress and enjoy yourself. I found after the actual ceremony part of my wedding I didn't feel very true of attention at all (in a good way) it was just like a lovely party with everyone enjoying each others company and not all eyes on me constantly.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 05/05/2018 15:46

Drop the dress then, that solves one problem. For a second wedding you don't need a wedding dress anyway.

Thirty people is a tiny wedding so guessing your DP has already compromised. If you can't agree, just delay the whole thing. It sounds like you aren't ready.

CocoaGin · 05/05/2018 16:02

I would sort the dress out, first of all. It has to be something you feel great in AND comfortable. If yours isn't, change it.

And it's one day. Try and explain what you're worrying about to your DP.... that it isn't him, it's having everyone look at you.

ArtBrut · 05/05/2018 16:06

For a second wedding you don't need a wedding dress anyway.

You don't need one for your first wedding. I've only been married once, and I wore jeans.

And I don't think not wanting a particular kind of wedding implies anything about the quality of the OP's relationship. I didn't want to get married at all, and only did it because my now-DH wanted to, and a pressing practical reason arose, yet I love my husband, and we're very happy together.

Shampaincharly · 05/05/2018 16:13

30 is not that big.
You do not have to wear a big dress. Pick something you feel comfortable in, or have a theme.
Have children , pets , or something to distract attention from you if it is that bad.

Nomad86 · 06/05/2018 08:51

Could you change a few things to make you less of the centre of attention. You could get rid of the top table, cutting the cake and first dance, keep speeches to a minimum, anything to make it a bit less formal. It's what we did because I hate being the focus. The important thing is that all the people you love are there having a good time with you. The "weddingy" stuff can be scaled back.

badg3r · 06/05/2018 09:20

Change the dress. Tweak it to make it a bit less formal. 30 is not a lot of people.

Also, and I think many people forget this, wedding days do not have to be the "happiest day of your life"!! It's a nice day with people you love, the wedding is just an excuse to meet up and have a nice time together. It isn't the end of the world if you are not counting down the days. Plan a kick ass honeymoon and start looking forward to that instead.

DameFanny · 06/05/2018 09:27

Yy to ditching the dress - you need to wear something that feels like you, and a Disney meringue isn't very many people's dream. Find something with quiet elegance - or quirky fun - or whatever suits you - and then focus on DH to be - because that's the only bit you need to get right.

EleanorHooverbelt · 06/05/2018 10:16

Some great ideas here, OP.

I hope you come back and let us know how you are feeling now.

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