Friend upset about my Wedding plans

[thatgirl7]

I am having a very small Wedding with only immediate family from both sides & we have both asked a friend each to be our witnesses (these are both life long friends who we both consider as family)

We have a mutual friend who from the moment we got engaged has assumed she would be very much involved & have a role within the wedding - we are not having Bridesmaids or Groomsmen at our Wedding - I broke this news to her early on so that she wouldn't get her hopes up.

We are throwing a big party in the evening for all of our friends, cousins, parents friends etc - 120 people total - we decided to leave it this way as once you start inviting some extra friends to the day, it spirals and becomes a "if we invite that person then we have to invite this person.."

This mutual friend of ours has started to voice how sad she is that she won't see us get married etc - I have let her know that, yes that is a shame, but hey thats how it is and the whole evening is for our friends and we can't wait to celebrate with her.

Today she has found out that our 2 lifelong friends will be included in the day guests and she has kicked off - telling me that I have lied to her, that the Wedding is obviously not just for family.

I have not responded to her messages - as frankly my Wedding is in 2 weeks time and I am busy at work and planning in the evenings and I really don't feel that I need to explain myself to her.

It's eating away at me all day though and I feel quite stressed out about it!

How would you handle this situation?

I think you should have been upfront from the beginning about the two friends attending, and would apologise for that. But it is your wedding and like you say, lists spiral once you start adding people. It is likely she simply feels left out. Is there a role in the evening portion of the wedding she can fulfil?

Well, did you say to her that it was ‘no friends’ at the ceremony? As ultimately you set yourself up for a fall there if so.

It’s your wedding and you have every right to invite who you want to what you want- and regardless she sounds quite childish. But I would have been clear from the beginning that two childhood friends were coming- or you were always risking having a situation like this with a needy friend.

Just reply saying - ‘I’m sorry if you were mislead- myself and DP decided that we would only have one friend each from our childhood to act as witnesses. All other non family guests will be coming to the evening event only. I hope you can understand how difficult it has been to plan this wedding and we really look forward to celebrating with you.’. Or something. I’m sure someone will suggest a more eloquent reply.

But don’t let it get to you- this wedding is about you not her.

I did this. We had only 20 people to the actual wedding and all were close family. We threw a big party in the evening for everyone else but people did know from day one about the arrangement so no tantrums from anyone.

I would ignore it. Or at a push message back and say "Our wedding is not about you."

I really don't feel that I need to explain myself to her.

I would agree but the quickest way to shut her down is to respond briefly.

I wouldn’t be apologising though. She can’t be that good a friend if she’s upsetting you two weeks before the wedding.

I’d just say “as you know the day guest list is very limited. We’ll look forward to seeing you and all our friends in the evening”

If she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to come.

People who make other orople’s Events all about them irritate me severely.

She’s trying to make your wedding day all about her. Don’t pander to her ridiculous tantrum and don’t feel like you need to explain yourself.

Either reply and say ‘Sorry you feel that way, please let me know if you can still make the evening as I need to confirm numbers. Thanks and hopefully see you there!’ Or if you think her behaviour has gone too far you’d be totally justified to tell her it’s your wedding, not hers, and you don’t want anyone there that isn’t anything but happy for you and as a result she’s no longer welcome.

For the love of god don't send someone you presumably care about a message saying "Our wedding is not about you" unless you want friendship terminated (which I'd warrant is more stress than you'd care for at this stage in proceedings)

I have seen MANY other threads on here where people have been hurt to "only" be invited to an evening do by people they hold dear, where posters are told "oh you just don't mean as much to them as they do to you"/she's just not that into you/etc

She's upset/hurt/nose put a bit out of joint is all. Perhaps you could have been clearer from the start, who knows? I'd send an email saying - "the ceremony is just low key and v tiny, the party is the main thing, can't wait to see you".

You don't say what her reasons are for assuming she would be involved. Is she an older, closer friend than your witnesses? Or just a wedding-obsessed random? If the former, you could try and invent a role for her in the evening do. If the latter, you don't owe her anything.

Did you mislead her though?

As someone who was invited to a close friends wedding very similar to yours immediate family then 2 friends each for b+g I'm still in the middle of a fall out between bride and other friend (both of which were my bridesmaids) who wasn't invited.

How close are you to this woman?

I think, tbh, the way you have organised things probably was hurtful to her, and the fact you say you don't want to explain yourself suggests you don't care that much. Which is ok I guess, but it is hurtful if it turns out someone you considered close just isn't that into you. Most people would do their hurting privately, but if this is someone you really cared about you would be giving them a call to tell them they still matter to you. If not - meh.

Today she has found out that our 2 lifelong friends will be included in the day guests and she has kicked off - telling me that I have lied to her, that the Wedding is obviously not just for family.

I don't blame her. You did lie by not making it clear at the outset that SOME friends were going to be there.

Imo she's over reacting but I think she has every reason to feel sad, if she chooses to.

@figgygal I did not mislead her - as soon as we made our plans i made her aware of the plans - I ensured to do this as I knew the plans as I know she has a tendency to be a bit needy and assume she is centre of attention etc - she has been a friend since UNI - but we have drifted apart a bit - I have moved to a different Country the last 5 years - but we do stay in touch when we can, and meet up at Christmas etc - my witness at the Wedding has been my friend for 25 years and we ended up living together here in the UK for some years and remain very close.

She is part of a group of other UNI friends we see whenever we can - all of them are as close to us as this girl - yet they are all happy to see us at the evening do - in fact one of these friends has even offered to go and set up the room the morning of the wedding even though she isn't even attending until the evening!

I feel that I couldn't have been more clear about the situation tbh.

@seventh I do wonder though why people feel so entitled..it is our day and even if there was loads of our friends going it's not really her business - we can invite who we want really.

yes, you can invite who you want, but she can feel hurt, if that's how she feels, there's no "entitled" about it, even if you were clear from the start

That's what I think. Invite who you want, but be prepared that some people will be hurt. That's why people end up with massive dos they didn't really want. If you don't care that much it was probably the right decision not to invite, but it doesn't mean she's wrong for being hurt about it.

I imagine in a parallel thread universe she's been being told "thatgirl7 just doesn't think of you as a special friend" and not to bother going etc esp if she's travelling from abroad to attend "an evening do".

How you respond depends how much you care about your friendship. No need to apologise, you've done nothing wrong, but a bit of empathy for hurt feelings might not go amiss

I do wonder though why people feel so entitled

Maybe she is a princess snowflake?

Or maybe she just feels hurt that you didn't tell her the truth from the outset?

Would any of your old Uni friends be willing to take her under their wing for the day? or do they know her well enough to run a thousand miles at the meer suggestion I wonder if an alternative 'reunion lunch' might reassure her that everyone else who met you at the same time are in the same position.

When exactly did society get so selfish that it’s ok to harass a bride two weeks before her wedding because you are so self absorbed that you have decided you need to make your wounded feelings about her arrangements her problem?

Goodness me. Either accept or politely decline the invitation you were given.

There is no socially acceptable way to complain that you want a different invitation.

This person is an adult. If she’s “hurt” she should either get over herself, plaster a smile in her face and attend the wedding or politely make an excuse not to attend.

The OP has actual blood relations who aren’t making any fuss for goodness sake.

I seriously can’t believe anyone would get that hurt that they would actually say something. It might sting a little but she could realise that the world doesn’t revolve around her.

Totally mad and I couldn’t be friends with her.

I'm just imagining the reverse though First Step

"My two best friends from university are getting married (to each other!) in 2 weeks time. I've been so excited about it from the moment I heard, I thought/expected that I would be asked to be witness/best woman, but they have opted for a very small wedding and I am only invited to the evening do. I was disappointed but understood. I've just found out that some of their old school friends are going to the wedding. I'm travelling from abroad to attend and its costing me quite a lot, and using my precious annual leave. WIBU to feel hurt/misled and not go?" Cue 300 posters saying its an invitation not a summons etc etc yadda yadda

Just to clarify that we are returning home to have the Wedding so no one is travelling for it - it is conveniently in the city centre so just a taxi ride for any of our friends attending the evening..it is on a Friday evening after work so it's not making anyone take a day off or anything..

I have went to respond and explain myself - but have decided now that I don't owe an explanation - it is our day, that we have paid for ourselves and we don't have to justify our plans or reasons for them to anyone - I know if it was reversed that perhaps I may initially feel a little miffed, but i'd get over it and just enjoy the evening party & I definitely wouldn't say anything.

We have really pumped a lot of our budget into the evening to make it really special - we are keeping the cake cutting until then and will even have the speeches kept for the evening so that all of our friends are included - there is also a buffet being served and we are having a DJ playing all night long with lots of entertainment.

All she is missing is a quick registry office ceremony & a small lunch with our family and closest friends.

I think with this behaviour I am starting to wish I didn't even invite her at all - if what we are offering isn't good enough.

@ThisIsTheFirstStep Totally can't believe she actually said something - it is so bizarre.

She was upset another time because I flew home for a friends birthday, attended that and then headed back to the UK without fitting in any time to visit her..again that trip was not about her it was about my other friend..

I am rethinking this whole friendship now tbh.

Ah. OP, don't go taking the huff with your mate, life's too short and it shouldn't take the shine off your wedding or your friendship. Your plan sounds great. Send her a text saying "it's only a quick registry office formality - the party is the main thing"

When you are saying "All she is missing is a quick registry office ceremony & a small lunch with our family and closest friends." This is where the hurts coming from, not the invite but the realisation that she's one of the closest.

not one of the closest