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Original poster

Step mother for 16 years

30 replies

Burroughs1980 · 03/07/2017 13:34

Hi all, I'm after a little advice. I've been a stepmother for 17 years have always treat both boys as if they were my own. When I met my partner his oldest son was 9 he is now 26 and getting married in September. I never expected to be seated at the top table but to be told that I am on the friends table at the back I found this to be very upsetting and felt very hurt. Not sure what I should do.

OP posts:

llangennith · 03/07/2017 13:56

Usual thing is for partners of both parents to be seated on top table.
What does your DP think of it all?

ImperialBlether · 03/07/2017 13:59

I think if the step mother was the other woman, I could understand not being put on the top table. Otherwise it's just silly.

A lot of people get around this now by having small tables so the bride and groom sit with bridesmaids and best men.

Finola1step · 03/07/2017 14:03

I think it isn't unusual for step parents to not be on the top table. It could get v crowded if all 4 biological parents have remarried.

But a step parent should be placed on an immediate family table IMO. With grand parents, Aunt Joan, Uncle Nick etc etc.

You will be told that it is their wedding and their choice. What does your DH say?

HappyAsASandboy · 03/07/2017 14:15

I think you need to do what's asked in order to support your stepson, as you don't necessarily know why he has made the plans he has.

I didn't invite my step mum of 25 years to my wedding. She and my mum had never made any peace between them, and I didn't want my wedding day to be the first time in 25 years they came face to face.

I realised that not inviting my step mum would upset both her and my dad, but my mum's feelings and avoiding a scene on the day (which my mum would have caused, not my step mum. My step mum wouldn't behaved impeccably) was more important to me than their feelings.

Original poster

Burroughs1980 · 03/07/2017 14:33

Thank you for your reply. I never expected robe on the top table but I did think that I would be put into at least a family table after all the step father of 4 years is on a family table. But to be put on a table labeled friends I think is a little harsh.
I have even gone and got an outfit to go with the colour scheme not sure if I should wear it

OP posts:

Orangesox · 03/07/2017 15:05

It's such a difficult situation - like happy I couldn't have my step mother (nor my Dad either as Step mum was OW) at my very small wedding due to my parents horrible divorce 15 years ago. They have not been in the same room since, and the huge inevitable scene at my wedding was not how I wanted them to come together. Sadly it would've been my mum that behaved like a toddler, and I had to break my dad and step mums hearts... I'm still upset about it, and I know they are still!

Please try to speak to your step son so you can fully understand why they've made the decision to seat you where they have. It's not easy and it's not nice, but you really do need to remember that it's their wedding day and it's likely they've made the decision that they have to try to placate someone along the line...

Have you considered asking/ offering to host a table with your DH? I've seen this done at a few weddings with divorced parents.

EllaHen · 03/07/2017 15:14

The friends table may be where they think you'll be happiest - they may be trying to be considerate.

It really is difficult. My dh's parents hadn't been in the same room in about 30 years. We sat fil's wife at a family table. Not sure if she was happy there. Probably not. We did put thought into it though and meant no offense.

cakesandphotos · 03/07/2017 15:22

We had a big top table with DH's parents, my parents and both step parents. Step mum had been in my life for 20 years and stepdad for 10, I couldn't exclude either and I think my dad and step mum were very touched to be sat with us. Could you ask? What does your DH think?

user1493413286 · 03/07/2017 15:27

What does your DH think of it? Could he talk to your stepson? As someone currently planning a wedding I know as the bride I'm doing the seating plan and I'm wondering if your stepson and his bride have done the tables together or if the bride just isn't thinking. Also are the people you're on the table with friends that you know? As maybe they're just thinking you'd enjoy that table more than other tables or difficulties with other people not being able to sit with each other has led to it.

willconcern · 03/07/2017 15:37

I couldn't have my step mother (nor my Dad either as Step mum was OW) at my very small wedding due to my parents horrible divorce 15 years ago. They have not been in the same room since, and the huge inevitable scene at my wedding was not how I wanted them to come together. Sadly it would've been my mum that behaved like a toddler, and I had to break my dad and step mums hearts

This is so sad, and makes me feel really frustrated. Adults who can't put their differences aside for their children for 1 day really really really gets my hackles up.

I speak as a woman whose ex-H is now married to OW. Both exH and his DW will be on the top table at my DCs' weddings if DCs choose that. As will I, with now DH.

Burroughs, I don't think yabu. In your shoes, I too would be really hurt.

Original poster

Burroughs1980 · 03/07/2017 16:49

I have had to play my feelings down to stop any full outs. My husband isn't happy as the bride to be has both her dad and step dad at the top table, he was gonna say something about it but he can't as the bride is having both of them given her away.
My table is with her best friend and her 3 children along with my sons boss and wife which I don't know. i got asked if my seating arrangement was ok and I said yes, what else could I say. It's not all about being on a friends table it's the fact that it's the table at the back, wouldn't be so bad if it was near the top table

OP posts:

Didiusfalco · 03/07/2017 16:55

You're doing the right and unselfish thing by not making a fuss. I don't think any good could come of making an issue.

elevenclips · 03/07/2017 16:57

What happened 17 years ago?
That might be your answer.

The step father of 4yrs obviously had nothing to do with the marriage breakup. But if you did, a nine year old has a very full understanding of that situation and that sort of tween age is judgemental. my parents divorced 20 ish yrs ago. My brother is in no mood to forgive anything even today. He was about 11 at the time.

Cloudyapples · 03/07/2017 17:08

Agree with previous posters re circumstances. As hard as it is to hear, just because you've been a step mother to him for a long time doesn't mean your ss considers you someone he is close to. You say you treated him the same as your own son but you don't say details like how often you saw him, whether you had a close or just civil relationship etc. My dad has been with his wife since I was early teens but I don't consider her a 'step mum' as we dont have that kind of relationship and aren't particularly close. I would probs sit her with family to be kind, but I certainly wouldn't place her on the top table. My mum's husband however has been around half the length of time as dad's wife, but I am closer to him, probably as a result of being closer to my mum than my dad. Basically what I'm saying is relationships and the emotions around them are about a lot more than how long you've been in someone's life.

Also it's his wedding AND you were asked if you were happy with the seating arrangements - you didn't speak up so now you have to suck it up.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 03/07/2017 17:11

My DSS is getting married soon and I have been invited to sit at the top table with his mum and dad. His ex stepdad is invited to the wedding but will be sat on a guest table.

squishysquirmy · 03/07/2017 17:23

When I got married, I didn't put my step mum on the top table, even though she is a really lovely person and had been in my life for about the same amount of time as you have been in your dss's life. Part of this was because I didn't really want my (less lovely) stepdad on the top table, and wanted to avoid the inevitable shit storm that would happen if it looked like I was being inconsistent. Part of the reason was because my mum was acting quite insecure about my affections at the time and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. "You like dsm more than me! etc etc" (not true). Which is annoying, and I felt a bit emotionally blackmailed but that's weddings for you - emotions run high, and it can be a minefield trying not to upset anyone. Also, the top table can get quite crowded and complex with who sits next to who. Seating plans can be hell, especially when there is divorce in the family, so please don't be too hurt - it doesn't mean that you are not important to your step son, although he is probably being a little thoughtless not putting you on a table nearer to the front. But then he and his fiance will be stressing out about all kinds of random wedding crap, it is so easy to accidentally get a detail or two wrong, and it would be a shame to take this too personally.

Original poster

Burroughs1980 · 03/07/2017 17:36

My son lived with us for 5 years when he moved out of his mums. The relationship between us is good I always get a mothers day card and flowers and we see them and our grandson every wkend, you still think I deserve to be stuffed at the back.
Your right it is his day and I repect their arrangements that's why I haven't said anything, but it still doesn't stop feeling hurt

OP posts:

squishysquirmy · 03/07/2017 17:47

I don't think you deserve to be stuffed at the back, no.
But I doubt he did it out of spite, or that it means he doesn't care about your feelings. It is far more likely that it never occurred to him that it would hurt your feelings - which is thoughtless, yes, but please try not to be too offended. The position of the tables around the room is not on everyone's radar (it would never have occurred to my dh for instance) so I don't think that being "near the back" is a snub. The bride's best friend is on that table, so it is obviously not a "low status" table, regardless of where it is in the room iyswim.
They may even have had specific reasons for putting you on that table, with that mix of people - for example, maybe he remembers you as being lovely to him as a child, and considers you to be a woman who is really lovely with children.

Finola1step · 03/07/2017 20:50

I would put money on your dss having had little to do with the seating plan. And it won't be malicious, it will be a "not thinking things through" thing. Or trying to make the boss welcome by putting him with people who can be trusted to make decent conversation.

Original poster

Burroughs1980 · 03/07/2017 21:14

Your right the bride did the seating plan

OP posts:

suffolknclose · 03/07/2017 21:22

OP - were you the OW though?

squishysquirmy · 03/07/2017 21:57

Is the bride's best friend a bridesmaid?

heateallthebuns · 03/07/2017 22:06

Is your dss mum on top table? What is your relationship like with her? I'd say your dss has to consider her feelings before yours as she's his mum, so it might not reflect how he feels about you at all, but more a compromise to keep everyone happy as best they can. How brides family are seated is really irrelevant.

user1497480444 · 03/07/2017 22:09

maybe he considers you a friend? i consider my step mother to be a friend

Lottie991 · 03/07/2017 22:14

Aw op I think its sounds thoughtless, And I am not surprised you are hurt.

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