Step mother for 16 years

[Burroughs1980]

Hi all, I'm after a little advice. I've been a stepmother for 17 years have always treat both boys as if they were my own. When I met my partner his oldest son was 9 he is now 26 and getting married in September. I never expected to be seated at the top table but to be told that I am on the friends table at the back I found this to be very upsetting and felt very hurt. Not sure what I should do.

I posted about something similar recently. I think this is the "joy" of step mothering. Give, give, give. Expect to be treated like shit. It's hard and in no other relationship on our lives would we be told to put up with being so disrespected.

It's just a day, I know, but it's a big statement day isn't it?

No real advice, but oodles of sympathy and empathy.

Sitting with the groom's boss and bride's best friend isn't low status at all.

I suspect that the placement of the table towards the back of the room is either for practical reasons (so the children can access the exit quickly of noisy in the speeches or whatever) or because for some reason the couple think that it will be awkward to have their parent's newer spouses too near each other. (Have you met and all been polite and friendly at other events, or is this quite new?)

Problem is, often those planning a wedding are much more ignorant of wedding etiquette than many of those attending. A 25 year old hasn't even been to that many weddings compared to his parents, leaving huge scope for accidental offence. (Maybe this wasn't so bad when weddings were planned by the MOB and the young couple stayed out of it!)

When we were planning our wedding, it had honestly never occurred to me that there was a hierarchy of tables, dependant on their proximity to the top table, until I read it by chance in a wedding magazine. My fiance thought I was being ridiculous when I insisted that grandparents etc had to be seated near the front. He just wouldn't believe that anyone would be offended by where their table was in the room (I feel validated now! ). He went along with it, obviously, but this would not even be on the radar of many young couples.

The "friends" label was surely just a random label for planning purposes on a working draft? ie, the table was "mainly friends", and another table might be "mainly bride's maternal family", but in reality they ended up with guests who don''t fit that description on the tables. Table plans are like a complex logic puzzle at the best of times, especially when there is divorce and remarriage on both sides of the family!

So please try not to be too hurt, wear the dress you bought and have a wonderful day.

This thread is quite timely as DSD is getting married v soon and I've been considering this very situation.

I'm not expecting to be on the top table but I'd like to think I won't be too far away.

If am though- hey ho, not worth getting het up about it although secretly I will be hurt.

We've been in each other's lives for 25 years but wouldn't consider ourselves close close although I love her dearly.

At least DP and his ex get on and so there's none of that awkwardness going on or parents not being invited.

He loves you but is unaware that you have feelings? Sounds like you very much fit into the 'parent' compartment in his brain!