To not want to "now kiss the bride"

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

We're arguing about this. we got the script from the registrar to complete for the ceremony. Kissing at the end of the service is optional on the form. My thinking is that I want our first kiss as husband and wife to be private and personal not in front of 70 onlookers. He wants "tradition" when ffs it's 2017.

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

Too late. I was ok with it when we booked it then anxiety has taken over. But I've always been anti kissing in front of people. I don't think I'd even kiss in front of a registrar even if it was just the two of us and witnesses

[BertrandRussell]

Rainbows- there's no law says you have to have a big wedding, you know- if you're going to hate every second of it, don't do it.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

To take the pressure off yourself, try to remember that a lot of guests won't have their eyes or attention firmly on you during the ceremony. They'll be day dreaming, wondering what on earth Auntie Mabel is wearing, trying to keep their children quiet or thinking about what they'll eat or drink later.

I understand your anxieties about being centre of attention but try not to let it spoil your day. You'll have your partner by your side.

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

I defo want to get married. I love this guy a ridiculous amount. I want a wedding. I want family and friends there. I want the glossy magazine white dress day. I'm just so shy. Idealistically id blend in like a guest TBH. My dress, for example, isn't particularly bridal, though beautiful imo. I'm not having a veil. Hell I'd love it if someone started singing outrageously or something to detract from me. I'm T-total so I can't have a drink to make me relax.

[CheeseQueen]

I'm reading this thread like
Especially at the poster who said about French kissing at weddings..
I've been to hundreds (including my own) and not once has there been full on tongue sandwiches at the altar!
It's a quick peck on the lips, no big deal.
If you go for your high five option and I was a guest, I'd get an attack of the giggles and think you absolutely barking.
This thread's funny anyway, thanks for the giggle lol

[C8H10N4O2]

Who says this is traditional? It wasn't part of our fairly trad style wedding (or even suggested as an option) and I don't remember seeing it at weddings until years later. I was vaguely labouring under the idea that it was an Americanism imported via TV?

[PerspicaciaTick]

In your shoes OP, I would be very, very worried that you and your future DH do not have the skills to solve this between you. How do you both usually approach resolving disagreements and reaching compromises? What is stopping you from using a similar technique to resolve this issue?

If you do decide not to kiss, make sure you communicate that clearly to your photographer ahead of the ceremony. They will be expecting to capture that and may try and encourage you to kiss either during the ceremony or while you are signing the register.

[BertrandRussell]

I am a little concerned that your future husband is not being very sensitive. Just say you don't want to do it. That should be the end of the story.

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

Persp this is unfortunately an issue that is just very black and white. Neither of us will budge. He wants to kiss me, I don't want to kiss him (in front of people). There isn't really a grey area. He said he'd kiss my forehead and then try and kiss me which isn't a compromise because it's still in front of an audience. If there's a way this could be communicated to the crowd, like "please turn away and give the couple privacy for a moment" it could help.

[PerspicaciaTick]

So there is a reasonable likelihood that during the ceremony, even though the registrar will know not to ask if you would like to kiss each other, your DF will swoop in and try and steal a kiss regardless of your feelings? Which is just plain rude of him.

All I can suggest is that, when you speak to the registrar during your interview on the day, you explain very clearly that they must NOT mention kissing and that they should move on to the signing of the register as quickly as possible (which will keep your DH momentarily occupied) ie. the registrar should not pause after declaring you married.

Most couples find they have no privacy on the day of their wedding. I am not sure how you will stop your DH (as he will be by then) from kissing you during the photographs, the speeches or while cutting the cake (or the million and one other opportunities when you will be standing together with your guests) before you get your private moment. It may therefore be worthwhile discussing your options with the front of house staff at your venue - they may be able to help you engineer a private moment soon after the ceremony ends. But it does seem to be a lot of effort to have put in to effectively fight off unwanted advances from your groom on your wedding day. Which is very sad way for you both to have to start your marriage.

[apotheke]

rainbows I'm actually feeling quite sad for you now, this is obviously a huge deal for you and there has to be some underlying issue. Can you try to explain to DP just how much this worries you. You made light of it with the high-five chat etc and got defensive, but really, it's quite unusual to be so freaked out about showing any sort of expression of love in person to such an extreme. A quick kiss wouldn't make people uncomfortable normally, and you are so upset about it, it sounds like it will spoil what should be a wonderful moment, marrying the man you love. Are you sure that a formal wedding ceremony in front of lots of people is best for you? Could you and DP find a way to take the pressure off?

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

Apotheke yes we are now committed to this plan as we can't afford to lose deposits. I'm not going to think in hindsight what we should have planned as it won't help now. I've got 5 months to work on my confidence.

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

Also beyond petrified about walking down the aisle and all those eyes glaring at me but, again, can't unstitch plans.

[apotheke]

I wouldn't normally say this, but people get anti-anxiety meds for lesser things like flying on hol, is that something you could discuss with your GP? I think you said you're tee-total so a quick glass of champers is out!

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

I don't want to be out of it on my wedding day but thanks for the suggestion.

[PerspicaciaTick]

all those eyes glaring at me

But they won't be glaring at you . They will be looking at you with love and wishing you well. They are people who you like and who like you. They will be happy for you.

Presumably you will be walking down the aisle, either with your DP, your dad or another relative - so they will supporting you.

Then you will have your back to everyone until after you are married. You need to only look at the registrar and your DP.

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

No I don't want to walk down the aisle. I want to step in to the front from the side wings.

[PerspicaciaTick]

Presumably you've chosen a venue with the right room layout to let you do that?

Have the invites already gone out? Could you tell most of your guests to arrive an hour later than planned, so they don't attend the ceremony but join you for the celebrations?

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

I suggested this to dp but he said no, adamantly he wants all guests there . If the room layout doesn't work, it should though, I can always just wait at the front with dp whilst the guests file in.

[apotheke]

It's my understanding that meds like beta blockers rather than diazepam or similar don't make you at all out of it, just stop the panic. Was just a thought but I understand your hesitation.

This is clearly a massive issue for you. You need to thrash it out with DP as soon as poss. He knows you, he must be aware this isn't a little thing for you.

[Rubies12345]

I've only ever seen this in movies. Has anyone seen this in real life? Kate and Wills didn't do it.

[crazycatgal]

I take anti anxiety medication for my social anxiety, I'm not 'out of it' that's a bit of a rude thing to say for those of us on medication.

[Rainbowsandunicorns88]

Crazycat my GP told me diazepam would space me out

[nooka]

Could you compromise with a hug perhaps? The 'kiss the bride' thing is dated, but it's a sign that you are married and love each other, and as a guest it is the nicest moment of the ceremony I think. A little touch of unscripted intimacy. I'm not sure I can remember a ceremony that used that language, but there's always the point when the couple relax together and it's lovely. A kiss on the forehead would be fine too if it's a way that your dh to be shows he loves you.

[123MothergotafleA]

Doesn't have to be Diazepam, could be a beta blocker instead.
Lord almighty, such a lot of hooha over a small kiss.