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Original poster

Child free wedding? Rude of acceptable?

80 replies

xjasminex · 26/12/2016 00:04

Iv recently got engaged, have no children. We are begging to plan the wedding starting with the guest list. We would prefer to have a child free wedding and I'm wondering if this is considered rude? The reasons we would like a child free wedding are that money is tight and there will be 16 children under 9. We would prefer a more adult intimate wedding. We would also prefer to have an evening wedding. We also worry that children will be bored. Sadly not all of the 16 children are hmm well behaved and those children also have parents that let them run wild. I don't want to be cruel to my guests, there will be two Brest feeding mums hopefully so obviously they will be aloud to bring the babies! What do you think?

OP posts:

SellFridges · 31/12/2016 17:55

The only children at our wedding were our then two year old and two babies, both breastfed and under four months. If we had invited children we would have had close on 40 extra guests and I honestly don't know anyone who wants to go to a wedding with a load of kids.

Only complaint we had was from my cousin who wondered if our small baby policy applied to her 18 month old toddler 🙄

5moreminutes · 31/12/2016 17:57

It's not rude but it would be rude to be offended if guests turn down the invitation politely citing childcare being too difficult/ expensive/ realistically unavailable or quite honestly not wanting to leave their children overnight (if not all guests are local).

You can have any kind of wedding - nobody else is entitled to attend - as long as you remember that setting conditions will mean some people you do want there may decline the invitation and you don't get huffy about that.

ImYourMama · 31/12/2016 18:00

Allow 'babes in arms' - ask them to sit at the back of the ceremony

All other kids are not welcome

End of story- happy wedding

BackforGood · 31/12/2016 18:02

Of course not rude.
Only on MN is this an issue.
Part of being a parent is that you know you won't be able to go to everything you get invited to anymore unless yo u have a whole series of babysitters on tap.
Its fine.
Its totally up to you and fiance how you celebrate your marriage.

5moreminutes · 31/12/2016 18:08

Oh yes don't claim you're doing for your parent guests' own good - as if they couldn't "let their hair down" unless someone specifically told them to leave the kids at home, that is so very patronising, but so many people say things like that!

Absolutely fine to say it's what you want for your wedding though.

I'm shocked some people are suggesting banning newborns/ breastfed babies in the name of fairness though - everyone with half a brain knows a baby under 6 months is essentially an extension of its parents and excluding breastfed babies under about 8 weeks would be pretty much the same as excluding lactating new mothers - not on the same planet as saying no children.

Blu · 31/12/2016 18:10

It's fine !
It's also fine to specify 'babes in arms / breastfeeding babies'. Anyone who cannot see the difference between this and toddlers and 7 year olds is a nitwit, and anyone who chooses to get arsey about 'why is her niece / young cousin allowed whilst I am a distant work colleague and not allowed to bring my 3, an 8, 10 and 12 yo' is better left off the list.

Good luck!

Blu · 31/12/2016 18:14

HeatherJayne: so what if the B&G brought their own kids: of course they did!
People can invite which individuals from each family as they choose. E.g relatives who are young but not kids of friends.

User543212345 · 31/12/2016 18:19

I think the adage of "people who matter don't mind, people who mind don't matter" is applicable here. If people kick off they're missing the point that the wedding isn't about them.

We don't have children but my sister does and we've had a good few marvellous weekends with her children whilst they've enjoyed child free weddings. We were planning a child free bash (my nephews were 4 and 18 months when we got married) and the people who kicked off were the ones with 8-12 year olds who weren't family. As an 8-12 I found weddings dull as dishwater so I don't understand their issue.

Tl;dr your day, your way. Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding.

SmellyChristmasCandles · 31/12/2016 18:50

As long as you don't make out that it's for any other reason than your personal choice and as long as you don't get arsey if some people turn down the invitation, that's fine.

Childfree weddings were not my way and luckily all the wedding invitations we had included our dcs (who genuinely were well behaved) as we wouldn't have been able to go otherwise as we had no childcare available to us. But I do understand that with the cost of weddings these days, it often isn't possible to include children from that point of view alone.

MikeUniformMike · 31/12/2016 19:03

I haven't been to a wedding where there have been children other than bridesmaids or pageboys. Or maybe they were so well behaved that I didn't notice. I fully understand that noisy children running wild would not be ideal. It is your big day.

Heatherjayne1972 · 31/12/2016 21:11

No purple Daisy's
it caused massive ructions in the family
People were offended some Still not really speaking years on
No kids means no kids - if you have your own kids then you really can't have a child free wedding imo

Heatherjayne1972 · 31/12/2016 21:17

Actually in the end some people left early because they were so offended at the no child rule

when the b+g 'lost' their child because no one wanted to look after him - it was generally felt among the families (on both sides ) that they shouldnt be looking after someone else's child while not being able to bring their own.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 21:25

It's your choice.

Just remember in years to come when you have DC of your own and you receive child free wedding invites you are not allowed to start a thread on MN asking if the B&G ABU as you cannot attend due to no child care

Soon2bC · 03/01/2017 12:23

I sent my invitations this morning. we had 2 additional information cards to put in as inserts. One had additional text saying that due to the size of the venue only children of close family were invited.
we have 10 children coming and I would have preferred child free but they are all my siblings children so i couldn't avoid it. Some are behaved better than others as kids tend to be.
we have put the child free additional information sheet in friends invites where we know they have children and we are prepared for them to say they cant come if childcare is a problem. My DS is 17 now so these problems are no longer there for me but i can totally understand why people in the past have said no to me bringing him to events and am easy going about it. It is a shame if you dont get to go to something but for me it was always about my DS and if i missed things then so be it.

WhoAteMyBiscuit · 03/01/2017 19:12

We didn't have a child free wedding but we only invited children that:

We had met
That we liked!

Everyone was happy, no one said anything about it if their children weren't listed on the invite and it Was the best day ever! It's your wedding OP, have what you want and enjoy every moment! Xx

woodsies1975 · 03/01/2017 19:17

Your wedding, your decisions. We have been to a few child-free weddings, fine by me. It's just my 11yo DD who gets upset about not being invited, she lives a good wedding. When we got married 15 years ago only one lot of our friends had children. We asked them to come but explained we were not inviting their kids. She asked if she could bring the DD as she was breastfeeding. I said of course but by the time our wedding came around this DD was almost 18 months and was quite noisy. All you can hear on our wedding vid of the speeches is this child squawking loudly. I wish the mum had just had the sense to take her and the child out of the room. Oh well.

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2017 19:21

No purple Daisy's
it caused massive ructions in the family
People were offended some Still not really speaking years on
No kids means no kids - if you have your own kids then you really can't have a child free wedding imo

This just popped up on active again.

You are obviously entitled to your opinion but as this thread shows, the vast majority of people understand while technically inaccurate "child free" weddings usually include very young or close family children. Your family sounds like a very difficult bunch of people if they're still not speaking over something which is entirely the bride and groom's choice to make.

Mumandthemermaids · 03/01/2017 19:41

I love a child free wedding and I've got two children! Gives me and my other half a chance to let our hair down with worrying about where our two year-old is all the time - she has a tendency to wander and get into all the places she shouldn't. I can't take my eyes off her for a second and taking her to a wedding where she has to be quiet and still would be my idea of a nightmare! 😂 She's the sort of child that needs open spaces and to be outside A LOT. That said, we are really lucky to have both sets of parents and lots of aunts and uncles we can rely on to babysit, which I appreciate others might not be so lucky to have.
If it were immediate family then I'd expect to take them, but friends and other relatives, I'm more than happy to leave them with a babysitter and enjoy some proper adult time with my friends and partner.

Mumandthemermaids · 03/01/2017 19:42

*without worrying not with - didn't proof read first

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 03/01/2017 19:55

I wouldn't be offended about a child-free wedding provided you wouldn't be offended if I was unable to go due to childcare issues; we have no family anywhere near and would be unlikely to be able to pack both the DCs off to friends for long enough to go to a wedding that involved an overnight stay. I'm also not generally a massive fan of spending money on an expensive night away if DH can't come too as we don't have much to spare on luxuries. But I would still wish you all the best for a lovely day

The thing is you know your own guests so you know best how they will be about this.

littlemisseatsherfeelings · 03/01/2017 20:02

Child free wedding was the best thing we ever did. All the parents actually enjoyed themselves, only one couple refused to arrange childcare, so declined, then had my mother telling me it was horrific manners of me and that their 8 year old is not a child (assuming only babies would be unwelcome)! Have a two year old of my own now and stand by my decision, invited to a wedding next year - no intention of taking him, even if he's allowed

NeverNic · 03/01/2017 20:04

I have a 2yo and a 4yo. My least favourite weddings are family ones when I have to bring them.

We had a child light wedding. A niece (flower girl), a nephew and my goddaughter (also a flower girl) attended. As did two other babies who did require a high chair (bear in mind for seating plans that they need a space) and had special reasons why they couldn't be left and we knew in advance of the invites going out. Only one person had the hump with us. Out of at least 20 people with kids I thought that was pretty good odds.

Drama123 · 03/01/2017 20:08

We had a child free wedding (apart from our own).
People were pleased to come as couples / friendship groups without children. Ours was for budget reasons too.

Craigie · 03/01/2017 21:19

Your wedding, your rules, but I wouldn't attend a wedding without my kids. They're really boring usually.

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2017 21:22

Your wedding, your rules, but I wouldn't attend a wedding without my kids. They're really boring usually

Child free weddings are boring? That's certainly not my experience.

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