No guests from groom's side...???

[VixforVictory]

DH and I are having our ceremony in a few weeks' time. It's taking place abroad, and both save the dates and invitations were sent out in January. Both our families are in other continents but although quite a few of my relatives are going through a lot of trouble to be there, DH's parents decided against it as they'd rather save up for a tour of Europe next year. Meanwhile, not a single one of his friends in the UK or elsewhere have bothered to confirm.

Emotionally, I feel that people in DH's side are treating our wedding as a bit of a joke? No idea why as our invitations were beautiful (if I may say so myself), more on the formal side of things and we spent a lot of time putting lots of information together for our guests such as travel, accommodation etc. I can understand that it's a bit ask as not everyone can afford (for financial reasons or other) to take a good few days off to travel abroad for a wedding. That's fine - well, DH's parents aside. It's the rudeness of it all that has shocked me. It is at the very least polite to say whether you can make it or not?! Not even DH's so-called best friend has confirmed...

From a financial perspective, we put RSVP dates on the invitations as there are things such as flip flops which we want to order in the correct size, and it all costs money as they are personalised - plus other things such as the chair covers, transfer hire. It's all dependent on the total number of people.

Where have we gone wrong and how would you deal with it? I am trying my very best to focus on the fact that, from my side, I am being shown nothing but love. However, there is the feeling of rejection every time my mum, who's taken upon herself to order a lot of the stuff for us, asks me to re-confirm numbers to order.

Just a thought - are you sure dp's guests have actually had their invitations??? I can't believe you are marrying a man when you haven't even spoken to /met his parents and other invitees - isn't that what Skype is for??

I have been to weddings with a number for the bride/groom and people just don't take them as seriously as a couple making vows for the first time.

We had timed ourselves well (or so we thought) and had got all the papers in motion but then we were faced with unexpected bureaucracy (from my country of birth, in particular) and had to make a decision about the legal side.

I recently got married and there were a few people we had to chase for a response which was making me very tense, but the best advice was "don't stress about it, the people who want to be there, will be there".

We spent our honeymoon in a location where lots of weddings take place on the beach and during the time we were there, approximately 7 weddings took place. Not one of those weddings had more than a handful of guests and the majority were just the couple themselves.

If I were you, I would forget the personalised flip flops - maybe just get some of those terry towelling one-size-fits-all slippers found in health spas if you're that bothered. Similarly, I wouldn't bother with chair covers - some nice centre pieces for the tables is enough and forget about organising transport for anyone other than those already confirmed. Anyone else can make their own way by taxi surely? A beach wedding is very informal so it's possible to cut out a lot of the unnecessary add-ons that so many UK weddings have without anyone noticing.

All sounds a bit strange, maybe as it's a second marriage the parents and extended family don't recognize it ?

Jellie I agree but then we have both lived away from our respective countries for a good couple of decades. I have spoken and met almost everyone on his list. By the looks of it, it's DH treating me like a complete fool and telling me that people haven't responded either way. It turns out that at least two of them have but can't make it due to other commitments. That IS normal but up until today, there was me thinking that they were being terribly rude!!!

Now you know why you are wife number.... This Man is terrible at communicating and secretive.

I'd be angry if I spent money travelling abroad for a wedding if I later found out they were already married, even if they gave me personalised flip flops.

See, some of these posts are the kind of stuff that put me off getting married to DP (been together 20 years). Sham marriage, fake wedding, deceiving guests because they already did the legal bit and signed a piece of paper earlier, saying vows out loud

Weddings really are mumbo jumbo bollocks aren't they??

Mind you, I do think it's the flip flops that are putting everyone off.

Exactly Nerr

Doesn't anyone else think it's a bit off?

Forget the tacky slippers there a huge LIE here.

Candles that's how it feels to me. That because it's a second one, DH's side see it as irrelevant.

I mentioned the invitations only because it wasn't like we had sent out casual invites via social media, etc. We put a lot of thought and effort into it all (like most people do with their wedding invitations), including all the travel info etc. It DOESN'T mean that we expected people to come as a result of nice invitations but to take it seriously and reply. That's all.

But in fact they have replied, just to your DH, and he didn't tell you, presumably even when you were going around over the past few days / weeks saying "gosh it's weird bob and sue and brian and frank haven't replied yet time's getting on I need to order these flip flops".

That is the problem - that you DH didn't tell you. Why on earth not?

Why don't you be honest and just erm....mention you are already married maybe? and then let them make the decision.

Sham marriage? Because we are unable to sign our papers abroad? Does that make our vows, our choice of location and all the things that are so important to us meaningless? We had a plan to do it all as it should. Things didn't go according to plan and we had to think on our feet.

If you've been to a basic civil ceremony, you will know that there's nothing personal about it. You sign the legal papers. Additionally, nobody would have been present at the signing of the papers in the local town hall abroad as it had to be done in the morning, just that it would have taken place on the same day as our religious ceremony.

Where does this leave those who get married in church but are not church-goers? Or those who have a blessing but don't sign the papers? Does that lessen their relationship and commitment to each other?

Does this mean that my cousin wedding, with the religious ceremony a couple of weeks ago and the legal / reception yesterday was a joke? If you saw how in love the couple is, I doubt you'd think that.

Op, chill out then come back later to the thread.

Yes, honesty is the best policy. You are going to cause a huge shit storm when the truth comes out.

Whirl like Fi mentioned previously, head in the sand not wanting to upset me. In the meantime, there I was thinking that people were just being incredibly rude!

Although still leaves the fact that his parents have taken no interest whatsoever...

I don't think I am having a bridezilla moment. I am feeling that pressure from suppliers harassing me for final numbers and not wanting to confirm without having had a yes or no from people.

Or gay people who do the legal bit in a country where it is recognised.

I think people are being incredibly harsh OP and I don't really understand them BUT obviously some people do feel very strongly that what you have done it wrong / fake / dishonest / lying / sham and so forth, and it may be that some of your guests would feel that way if they knew.

But they don't know, and anyway, they did reply, and DH didn't bother telling you. So I'm not sure why people are giving reasons for others not coming, when that's not the problem, the problem is that you didn't think they had replied, when actually they had, but your DH didn't tell you.

howtorebuild I think that's unfair. I am being judged over something that has played no role in people's reply or the main issue that I raised in my post.

We didn't set out to deceive people but we also didn't want anyone to think any less of our ceremony only because things didn't go according to plan.

Well in that case you just need to find out what he knows in terms of who is / isn't coming, assume if you haven't heard they aren't, and proceed accordingly.

Not a 'sham'
A little dishonest though IMO

You and fiancé....well ....DH although this is not known are travelling to a place that is important to you to exchange your vows. Just enjoy it. Yes they should have responded and your DH should be more upfront but it doesn't seem his strong point.

You sound stressed and if you chill then come back later you may gain insights, you are missing due to stress.

I get what you're saying about wanting the ceremony you want, but it's not a real wedding as you're already married and when deciding whether to spend my yearly holiday budget on going I would want to know that.

Please tell people you're providing footwear as I'd spend money on nice flip flops if I was invited to a beach wedding and it would be wasted if you wanted everyone in matching shoes!

Some parents don't take much interest in their adult offspring. Sad for your DH, but not much he can do about it. And maybe all those "close" friends do not see themselves as very close friends to your DH.