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Original poster

No guests from groom's side...???

99 replies

VixforVictory · 26/07/2015 12:51

DH and I are having our ceremony in a few weeks' time. It's taking place abroad, and both save the dates and invitations were sent out in January. Both our families are in other continents but although quite a few of my relatives are going through a lot of trouble to be there, DH's parents decided against it as they'd rather save up for a tour of Europe next year. Meanwhile, not a single one of his friends in the UK or elsewhere have bothered to confirm.

Emotionally, I feel that people in DH's side are treating our wedding as a bit of a joke? No idea why as our invitations were beautiful (if I may say so myself), more on the formal side of things and we spent a lot of time putting lots of information together for our guests such as travel, accommodation etc. I can understand that it's a bit ask as not everyone can afford (for financial reasons or other) to take a good few days off to travel abroad for a wedding. That's fine - well, DH's parents aside. It's the rudeness of it all that has shocked me. It is at the very least polite to say whether you can make it or not?! Not even DH's so-called best friend has confirmed...

From a financial perspective, we put RSVP dates on the invitations as there are things such as flip flops which we want to order in the correct size, and it all costs money as they are personalised - plus other things such as the chair covers, transfer hire. It's all dependent on the total number of people.

Where have we gone wrong and how would you deal with it? I am trying my very best to focus on the fact that, from my side, I am being shown nothing but love. However, there is the feeling of rejection every time my mum, who's taken upon herself to order a lot of the stuff for us, asks me to re-confirm numbers to order.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 26/07/2015 14:30

We had to have our legal ceremony in the UK as doing it abroad was going to cost us £££ and a mountain of paperwork without any assurance that we would have everything we needed - we pushed as far as we could but had to accept that it was too much of a risk. We didn't have any celebrations and it was just a very basic office legal proceeding.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 26/07/2015 14:31

Are you married?

Original poster
VixforVictory · 26/07/2015 14:32

Legally, yes, but only because we ran out of options in order to have it all done at the same time - which was what we had set out to do.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 26/07/2015 14:32

This makes no sense.

Has one of your DSc or your dc hacked your account?

Finola1step · 26/07/2015 14:33

X post

Original poster
VixforVictory · 26/07/2015 14:33

Why?

OP posts:
daisydukes229 · 26/07/2015 14:35

So you are already married?

Tbh I can understand why people aren't responding and aren't taking it seriously.

It isn't a proper wedding, you already had that. So unfortunately you just have to deal with the fact that people won't take it seriously and that people who otherwise would be expected to make the effort (parents, best friends etc) won't think it is a big deal if they miss it.

Finola1step · 26/07/2015 14:36

Could it be that people see the ceremony as a blessing rather than a full on wedding? It doesn't excuse the rudeness of not replying. But, as kindly as possible, some people don't see the need to make a fuss over a blessing and a second marriage. Focus on what you want. Are his dc going?

Coconutty · 26/07/2015 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Florriesma · 26/07/2015 14:37

Ah? It all makes sense now.

Op there would be murder iny family if anyone had the actual (legal) wedding ceremony without anyone present then expected them to fork out for a fake ine somewhere else. The wedding abroad would be seen as irrelevant and the attitude would be "we weren't good enough to come to your actual wedding so we aren't going to put ourselves out for a fancy party"

If dh family is similar he knows this and is trying to spare your feelings.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 26/07/2015 14:41

Fi nobody knows. I thought the same at the time and I know my mum would see it like that. We had it all set out so that we would sign the legal paperwork in the morning and have a full religious ceremony in the afternoon. But then we started working through the paperwork and all the translations required but had to make a decision when we realised that there was a strong chance of ending up without the legal side after all.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 26/07/2015 14:41

I think Florriesma might have hit the nail on the head. Perhaps your DH just doesn't know how to tell you and has had head in the sand.

Finola1step · 26/07/2015 14:43

So absolutely no one on his side knows that you are already legally married? Not even his dc?

TheSpottedZebra · 26/07/2015 14:47

Is it his 2nd marriage? Maybe his family don't like that?
Are there different religions in plat, could religion be a source if the tension?

Is it possible that you've gone a bit bridezilla (wedding flip flops?), that you and your DH aren't on the same page?

TheSpottedZebra · 26/07/2015 14:48

Maybe they've sussed that you're already married and they're not happy about the deceit?

Only1scoop · 26/07/2015 14:49

Is it just me not quite understanding this?

You are married but haven't told any of the guests you have invited to your blessing/party abroad?

Do they believe this is going to be your wedding ceremony?

Original poster
VixforVictory · 26/07/2015 14:51

No, nobody on either side. We had a couple of acquaintances as witnesses - neither of them known to our friends & families. There is a lady at my work who has had to do the same as the legal side became an absolutely minefield, and the same with another couple according to the lady planning our ceremony locally. In our case, it was made worse by all the translations required. It was a huge disappointment and we didn't want anyone to think any less of our ceremony.

My cousin had to do it the other way around - she had a very small church ceremony and then the legal & reception yesterday (a huge 'do'). I don't believe that anyone thought any less of it only because the church ceremony had already taken place - and that's in a Catholic country.

Anyway, rude not to reply, crazy of DH to keep things hidden from me and shame on his parents for failing to at least show an interest. Those are my issues. Oh and the folder in the bin and DH and I falling out.

OP posts:
daisydukes229 · 26/07/2015 14:52

Not being funny you don't know that "absolutely no-one knows"

The most likely explanation is that he told a few people so all of his side now know and so are pissed off that you're trying to pull the wool over their eyes.

I'd be fuming if someone deemed me not good enough to go to their real wedding but then expected me to fork out for flights and a hotel to go to a fake one

daisydukes229 · 26/07/2015 14:53

Well no, if his parents know that their son got married without tjem and this is a fake wedding it isn't "shame on them" it is "well done them for not going mental"

jelliebelly · 26/07/2015 14:55

Are you sure people haven't responded verbally to dp and he hasn't passed on the responses. If he hasn't even got a best man are you sure he is at all bothered by all of this fuss. Sounds to me like your problem is with him rather than his guests..

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/07/2015 14:55

I know people who have split the two, with the legal bit in a country where same sex marriage is legal, and then a ceremony in the country where it means a lot and large numbers of family are.

I think the problem here is why has your DH not been communicating with you? If people don't want to come then that's up to them & it is a long way & etc but why did he let you go along thinking no-one on his side had bothered to even respond?

I'm not surprised you got shirty with him but you need to understand why he did that and if there's anything else he knows that you don't AKA talk to him.

howtorebuild · 26/07/2015 14:56

So you are already married and they have been to his first, second marriages to other women? People including his parents don't think the marriage will last op.

Only1scoop · 26/07/2015 14:57

Op I think I've posted on your previous threads over on Relationships.

I personally think it's really off not to be open and honest with your guests but that's just me.

You both need to deal with this.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/07/2015 14:57

It's not a fake wedding Confused

Depends whether when you go to a wedding you think the bit of paper is the important bit or whether the exchanging of vows and so forth in front of witnesses is the important bit. Or a knees up, or whatever.

That's not the point though is it, point is they have replied, her DH didn't tell her.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 26/07/2015 14:58

We had to get the legal papers done here, yes. No, nobody knows. By the time we realised that there were additional translations and pieces of documentation required, the invitations had already gone out and everything booked so we couldn't change it.

Flip flops - please, ignore it! It was just an example of needing to know numbers / attendance so that we can get things confirmed. The religious ceremony is at the beach, and with pebbles and all, we just wanted everyone to be comfortable and order them in the relevant sizes. We ARE very conscious of people making such a huge effort and we just want to look after everyone well, that's all. Like with arranging all transfers, etc.

OP posts:
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