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Original poster

Does it matter who 'Gives you away'?

61 replies

ZombiesAteYourCervix · 22/10/2011 20:04

I have have just had a massive HUGE row with DH who dared to suggest that one day he will 'Give Away' our DDS.

HOW FUCKING DARE HE EVEN CONSIDER 'GIVING' MY DDs TO ANYONE??????

They are not his to give away.

NOBODY gave me away. NOBODY will give my Daughters away. If they choose to marry someone they can but they will absolutely NOT be GIVEN to anyone.

OP posts:
localcrackpot · 22/10/2011 21:17

You're entitled to your opinion. But I find it insulting that I don't have a father and you say "whatever". I invest a lot in words, particularly those in the church marriage service.
But hey, I'm not really expecting everyone to agree, just thought your dismissal was rather callous.

MrHeadlessMan · 22/10/2011 21:17

I understand your annoyance at DH for feeling DDs are his possessions. it's a foolish way to think.

Does create a bit of irony though in your capitalized, bold "my" when referring to them Wink

AMumInScotland · 22/10/2011 21:19

But what if they ask him to?

SandStorm · 22/10/2011 21:19

No one 'gave' me away. My father walked me down the aisle and 'presented' me.

TidyDancer · 22/10/2011 21:21

I don't have a father either. My dismissal was not directed at you, it was not callous (sorry if you read it that way though, it really wasn't), and this really is not a big deal. It's just words. Everyone can do as they like tbh.

Original poster
ZombiesAteYourCervix · 22/10/2011 21:26

I retract the MY (although they are).

I sincerely hope I will be educating them enough over the next few years tobelieve they are nobody's property and the choose t o marry whoever they will and nobody has to give them tosmeone else.

I am very riled by this. unreasonably so, it's true.

OP posts:
localcrackpot · 22/10/2011 21:29

Thanks, fair enough. I can see it as a jolly thing if the daughter wants to be walked down and supported into her new life, with dad representing parents... Could be lovely. But I can't disagree strongly enough with the 'just words' bit- if you're a churchgoer there are lots of important words - the creed, communion...

But if you're not religious it isn't going to matter to you, so fair enough.

HippoPottyMouth · 22/10/2011 21:39

I'm just not sure exactly what you are objecting too? Is it the physical waking with them into their wedding? Or just the fact that it's called giving away?

My dad was dead before I got married but I would have loved him to walk me down the "aisle" (civil ceremony so not really an aisle) but I would never have considered myself his property to give away, it's just a sweet tradition, surely?

I'd love it if my husband accompanied our DDs down the aisle but it's up to them I'd they want him to, obviously! It certainly does not signify any ownership to me.

HippoPottyMouth · 22/10/2011 21:43

Second I'd should be an if there

If there are words in a ceremony that actually say you are giving them away then maybe, but I wouldn't take that seriously personally.

AMumInScotland · 22/10/2011 21:48

There aren't any words in a CofE service, unless you choose to have them added in. My dad walked me down the aisle, but he didn't "give me away" and neither of us (or anyone else there so far as I know) thought that I was his property and being given by him to someone else, or that it was any choice of his who I would marry.

floweryblue · 22/10/2011 22:09

I had a civil ceremony, no talk of 'giving away', but my dad did arrange my transport to the wedding and he did walk me in to the venue, it was just about the only 'weddingy' job I could give him to do, I was thrilled to be able to involve him and he was proud to escort me.

All my mum could help me with was: choosing my dress and my bridemaid's dress, I helped her choose her outfit, we worked out our side of the guest list between us, we discussed menus, she came on the hen night, sorted out my underwear, suggested hair-dos, smoothed over all the 'snubbed' people who felt they should be invited, basically had a billion involvements in my wedding that my dad could never have done with me.

Now I am divorced, if DP and I ever get married, I do want an escort but weirdly I wouldn't want my dad. I think I would want DP's sons, but they would probably have the role of Best Men, yet another reaon not to cement a 10 year old relationship!

eurochick · 22/10/2011 22:14

I was not given away. It's a horrible tradition about men owning women. I had a civil ceremony. Both my parents walked into the room with me (at my request) and I walked out with my new husband. I liked the symbolism - entering as part of one family and then forming a new one.

ShriekingLisa · 22/10/2011 22:30

When i told my dad o was gettin married I didn't mention about giving me away but I wanted to ask but I thought I wouldnt havr to ask as he wpuld do it anyway.
when i spoke to my stepmum the day after and she asked about who giving me away and I said my dad and she said she thought shed ask because when we left my dad was upset that I'd not asked him

EllaDee · 22/10/2011 23:22

It is a really offensive way to characterize that relationship IMO. I have seen friends be accompanied by their dads, or mums, or both and it is very lovely. But 'giving away' - sorry, I think it is offensive, particularly since you are their mother yet your DH seems to imagine the children are symbolically 'his' to give away.

When I got married I said very firmly that I wasn't going to be 'given away'. My dad told me that the day a girl gets married is the day she becomes an adult. I wish I had made more of a fuss about him saying that - at the time I just told him quietly I found that a bit upsetting as I was surely already an adult and what had I done wrong that he thought I wasn't? He insisted it was true and I would see this when I was married. Actually the longer it's been, the more hurt I am by it. I don't want to pretend for the sake of political correctness that I'm comfortable with this tradition and it's all live-and-let-live. It's nasty and misogynistic and offensive.

SweatTart · 22/10/2011 23:25

My sister felt the same way, it apalled her (slight) feminist sensibilities, particularly as Dad hadn't been responsible for her for 15 years before she got married. She had him walk her down the aisle though, she did want that traditional moment for the two of them.

I suppose its up to your DDs when the time comes.

I think it may be every Dad's dream as well.

localcrackpot · 22/10/2011 23:26

amuminscotland BCP "¶ Then shall the Minister say,
Who giveth this Woman to be married to this Man?"

Depends on what you use. Common worship will be the standard but BCP is still there. BCP communion 8am Sunday at mum's parish, for example.

EllaDee · 22/10/2011 23:31

I dunno ... my DH isn't yet a dad but I know he's actually a bit revolted by the idea. He's not the only bloke I know to feel that way.

I do know someone whose dad had to tell her he was not comfortable with the idea - not in a feminist way, simply he found the concept of giving her away not quite right as they would always be family*. I think that is probably quite a normal way to feel in this day and age - after all we don't disappear into our husbands' homes never to see our parents again, do we?!

*I've never met her dad but I knew her (now ex-) husband and suspect her dad may have recognized a knob when he saw one Wink

localcrackpot · 22/10/2011 23:33

The big thing is really the attitudes of the people involved. It can be dad supporting you into your new life or his chattels being handed over to a man he approves of. My father's first comment when I said I was going to get married was a very angry "no-one asked me!" which says a lot.
I did point out that of his three marriages I'd attended two and no-one had asked my opinion. Oddly, he didn't think that the same rules applied in reverse...

AMumInScotland · 23/10/2011 16:44

localcrackpot yeah but if you have the BCP version, you're meant to have all of it, including the "lusts of brute beasts" or however it charmingly puts it. I know some ministers will let you have a compromise version, but it's not actually covered by the canons to drop some parts of the service.

peeriebear · 23/10/2011 16:49

My Dad walked me to the front of the reg. office and it was lovely. I never even thought of it as being transferred from my dad to my DH! It was just a nice thing for him to do and he looked pleased as Punch.

SpamMarie · 23/10/2011 18:38

My father didn't give me away, although we have a wonderful relationship.

I didn't ask because I don't like the terminology. If he had wanted to, I probably would have agreed, as I'm sure he has no illusions of daughterly ownership (as your DH probably doesn't). But he didn't so I walked myself up the aisle, being an independant lady and all.

Although I did it myself, I do think this is a mis-interpretation of feminism (and I am certainly pro-feminism). Most fathers want to do this as a sign of love and pride on what is a very special day. Sucks to take that away from them if that's all they want.

CauldronOfBrownJoy · 23/10/2011 18:53

I'm just waiting for Cervix's daughters to rebel into precious princess wannabes, who get married in big barbie dresses, with a white Cinderella coach, horses, false tan, false nails, false eyelashes.... BEGGING to be given away Wink

Trills · 23/10/2011 18:57

Are you feeling a bit more relaxed today?

Did you discuss with DH whether he meant that he believed owned your (joint) children and had to transfer that ownership to another man, or whether he simply meant that if they were having a traditional wedding he would like to be the one to walk down the aisle with them?

Trills · 23/10/2011 18:58

Oh, and what Cauldron said :o

raspberrytipple · 23/10/2011 22:10

my dad 'gave' me away although I didn't really view it like that, he walked in with me and held my hand, flower girl in front of us. We had a RO wedding, it was nice. Agree about the symbolism thing though of being 'owned', same reason I didn't wear a veil and the reason my DH didn't ask my dad for permission. It's just something that's tradition so some people think it's nice to do it, it doesn't really mean a great deal.