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Original poster

Worried About How Many People I am Going to Offend.

34 replies

xstitch · 16/02/2011 21:53

Money is tight so we are planning to get married at the registry office with only parents, siblings and children of the guests. MIL to be has hired a hall and DJ so that we can have a party later that night and celebrate with friends and more family. Its her gift to us. After reading another thread I am now worrying. So many people seem to find it offensive to receive an invitation to an evening reception. I don't want to offend anyone but it seems as if I am being really rude :(.

OP posts:

varyingdegreesofdeafness · 16/02/2011 21:54

they should be grateful for any invite! Do as you please and enjoy, if they are genuine friends they will understand (and many quite happy to just go out for eve not full day!)

Figgyrolls · 16/02/2011 21:55

xstitch, I think people only get offended if they are seeing themselves as "second rate". I.e, if you have a mate going in the day but are only invited to the evening. The mere fact is you are doing it small with a celebration later, I am not sure who could possibly be offended by this. Hope it goes well and a lovely party sounds great after a small ceremony.

miniwedge · 16/02/2011 21:58

We are doing this, we will have 30 people to the ceremony which will be parents, siblings, their partners and children.

We have a massive family and are resigned to the usual suspects taking offence.

But.... We, like you do not have an endless pot of money and also are not into the big day thang.

What about a brief explanatory note in the invites?

We are doing something along the lines of

" for various personal reasons we are unable to accommodate the numbers we would like at the ceremony, we are very much looking forward to celebrating with you in the evening"

roadtrain · 16/02/2011 22:00

Yes, I think that you have to do it so that people don't feel like they are second class guests. Probably let your friends know in advance of receiving the invite that the reg office can only accomodate parents, brothers and sisters.

Wedding invites are nice to receive, but there is usually something in them that someone will rightly or wrongly take offence to. So manage the expectations of recipients, otherwise they will think they are 2nd class.

Original poster

xstitch · 16/02/2011 22:05

The room really couldn't take any more only going to be 2 free seats as it is a small room at the registry office.

OP posts:

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 17/02/2011 15:53

wasn't the 'ther thread' her DH had been invited but she wasn't? really don't worry I'm sure you'll be fine :)

Original poster

xstitch · 17/02/2011 16:43

No it was the thread about the hen night and then people started saying how awful it was to be only invited to the evening do and how rude and greedy it was. :(

OP posts:

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 18/02/2011 15:32

Well it's not, in my opinion.

We're having 120 people for the Church and reception but there are still people we're planning to invite in the evening as well as I can't afford to pay for the whole day for more people but would still like them to join us if they want to. If they feel they don't want to come for whatever reason then they don't have to come, end. of. story :)

Relax :)

Buda · 18/02/2011 15:39

I think people DO feel a bit like second class citizens sometimes when invited to an evening do only but that is usually when there is a big church ceremony and a reception in a hotel with a sit down meal for loads. In your case I think it sounds lovely. And I wish that is what I had done!

girlywhirly · 18/02/2011 16:03

I went to a wedding reception only, as the bride and groom wanted only their parents and siblings at the registry ceremony. The guests just congregated at the reception venue, and welcomed the wedding party when they arrived, took photos etc, then had the reception.

No-one was offended.

Just make sure all the invitations are the same wording, something like

xstitch and xstitch DH would like you to join them at a party/reception to celebrate their marriage

state venue, venue address, date and time.
RSVP to xstitch

It's up to you whether you include a note in the invitation or let people know verbally about the close family only at the ceremony.

Greeneyesbigbottom · 18/02/2011 16:45

I wouldn't be offended. I've been to quite a few weddings now, where the bride and groom just wanted parents, siblings and really close friends and everyone else was invited to a party to celebrate.

Tbh whilst in the process of organising my wedding, of which we have still not set a date, I've lost count of the amount of time I've heard people say that big traditional weddings are old fashioned etc.

You do what you want - its your wedding! Congratulations

rubyrubyruby · 20/02/2011 06:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiralqueen · 21/02/2011 14:02

Evening only invitations are really common now because of the costs involved. I think the big thing is not making evening guests feel like second class citizens, so get your timings right so that you don't have a crowd of people waiting for entry to the evening do whilst the day guests finish their meal. Try and include some of the traditional elements in the evening do such as cutting the cake, speeches and even have the bride and groom make an entrance after everyone is assembled - and let people know what you are planning to do in the evening so that they don't think they are coming to a glorified disco.

Original poster

xstitch · 22/02/2011 12:30

The thing is there is not going to be a day guests meal thing because it really is on a tight budget. We are going to the registry office with parents, siblings and everyone's children. We are then going back to MIL for a cuppa. We may get a bag of chips on the way back. MIL has hired the hall and a DJ for a party as a wedding present to us. I guess in a way it is a plus point they are not missing out on a sit down meal.

OP posts:

Duna · 22/02/2011 17:15

You'd have to be pretty tapped to be offended by this to be honest!

raspberrytipple · 22/02/2011 19:44

I worried about this too as we are only having family and a few very, very close friends to the ceremony. I set the standard from the start though and said straight out that we were having a very small ceremony to do the legal stuff and then everyone we know and love in the evening. We've also made it clear that the evening party is where we want everyone who means something to be with us, we are not just inviting everyone we've ever met to make it look like we are popular, which is sometimes what I think these things turn into. If people know, love and care about you they will understand and all the friends I have discussed it with so far have straight out said it sounds like the perfect way for us to celebrate OUR day. Don't stress, it will be fine - and good luck for the big day!

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/03/2011 08:10

We got married last may. Tight budget, we only invited mil side of family except for the twocousins he doesn't like and who are not speaking to each other despite being brothers married to women who are cousins.

Yes they are offended but tough I had a budget and I was not getting into debt for anyone, none of these uninvited people are going to pay your cc bill for you.

MummyDoIt · 23/03/2011 08:20

I thinky you'll be fine with this. People do take offence if there's a meal and they are not invited to that but that's not the case with you. I think it sounds lovely and hope you have a wonderful day.

nickelbabyhatcher · 23/03/2011 16:13

i have to say, i'm always a bit when I get an evening only invitation, mainly because I believe the getting married part is the whole point, and the rest is just a party.

however , i know that not everyone agrees with me.
there are loads of reasons why you want to keep it intimiate - shyness, money, noise, space etc etc etc.

I think it's lovely that you want to share something so special with your favourite people.

if anyone moans, just tell them that you're doing it in a very small room and there's not space, and that you will find it easier to celebrate with them away from the formalities .

Pinkjenny · 23/03/2011 16:16

I wouldn't worry about it. We attended a wedding of close friends, where the ceremony room was so small that we all had to watch it on a flatscreen in the bar.

It was made clear on the invite, and although I was a little when I received it, we had a great time on the day.

Loads of people send out evening only invitations, don't worry about it.

Original poster

xstitch · 25/03/2011 14:22

Now I am a offended nickel. The getting married part is very important It is very important to both myself and Dp that we get married. We want to be married and live together and have a family.

If I wait until we can afford to get married in a room that will hold all our loved ones then we will have to wait another 10 to 20 years. Obviously we don't know if I will ever be able to conceive but I do know that in 10 years it will be impossible never mind in 20. The room we have booked for the ceremony holds a maximum of 20 people, anything else cost significantly more. The disco/party thing is a present to us from MIL to be. I am actually feeling tearful at the idea that people will think badly of us for putting the chance of keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table above having a big Wedding. Considering money is tight at the moment if marriage wasn't important to us we wouldn't be getting married at all.

OP posts:

nickelbabyhatcher · 25/03/2011 14:27

i didn't mean it like that - i meant from a guest's point of view.
of course you believe it to be very important. like you say, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it.

nickelbabyhatcher · 25/03/2011 14:28

and if you hadn't had that gift from your MIL, then you wouldn't have been able to invite anyone, so you can definitely point that out to people who might be offended.

thumbwitch · 25/03/2011 14:28

xstitch - these people you are inviting are your friends and family. They are not a bunch of randoms off t'internet.
TBH, if I hadn't ever come on MN, I would never have known that there were people out there who got mortally offended at receiving "evening only" invitations and refused them on principle. I was amazed that there were people out there who thought wedding lists were "greedy and grasping". Stunned that people felt so entitled to bring their DC to every wedding they were invited to and refused to go where their DC "weren't welcome".

What I'm trying to say is that you know your friends. They know you. They know your situation and they are NOT going to be offended because they are your friends and they will come to your wedding party because they are happy to celebrate your day with you, even just a part of it.

Ignore the weddingguestzillas on here - do what you want and can afford and anyone who doesn't like it, well they're not a true friend anyway.
:)

nickelbabyhatcher · 25/03/2011 14:32

I would never turn down an invitation just because I don't like evening-only invitations!
I want to support my friends/family and therefore would be more than happy to go to show my love and support.
It's just for me, i'd sooner be at the ceremony than the evening party.

and, my view might be skewed slightly by the fact that whenever you look on wedding sites/read wedding articles, it's all about the party, not the ceremony.

I'm worried i'm digging a deeper hole for myself.

pont is, most people wouldn't even blink. if anyone asked why they weren't invited to the ceremony, you tell them it's a small wedding for family only.

I didn't even get to go to my own sister's wedding because it was parents only, and I really didn't mind.

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