Sometimes I feel like sobbing with despair that my 2yo DS won't eat enough :-( LONG!!

[Dalrymps]

This is LONG so appologies. I just feel I need to write it all down as I don't want to go over it with DH again as it upsets him just as much as me.

My ds has been difficult to feed both milk and food since he was born, I have posted about this before.

I had a period of depression which I recieved some couselling for and had antidepressants for a few months but decided against them.

It's really complicated and there are a lot of factors to consider. He is 9th centile for height which is fine, he was born 9th centile. His weight gain slowed down at 8 weeks old and went slowly off the bottom of the chart. We were referred to paediatrician and dietician (along with lots of other people who gave advice on feeding him, none of which worked).

The paediatrician believes he is perfectly healthy and there is no physical reason for his slow weight gain apart from the fact he doesn't take in enough calories generally.

The dietician's main aim is to get his weight to match his height (centile wise) so that if he were to become ill he would have some 'spare' to fall back on and wouldn't become to underweight.

The dietician prescribed him SMA high energy milk when he was under a year old and his weight picked up a bit but then slowed again. Once he was a year old she changed his milk to a higher calorie one called paediasure plus, this made him completely loose the tiny bit of interest he had in food and he would vomit on average one of his 4 bottles back up again each day, he also had very runnny poo's (all not usual for him). After 2 weeks of him hardly eating a scrap of food on this milk we decided to mix it half and half with his ols SMA and he stopped vomiting, poo's we ok again and he ate a little.

He was breast fed when younger and I had a lot of problems but he bascially ended up being mix fed till 5 months when he refused to bf anymore and went completely on to the aptamil.

He was late to sit unadied and has been quite late with getting his teeth. Hw will be 2 on 30th Oct and still only has 8 teeth (at the front) and one molar coming through.

It took ages to get him off smooth jars then ages to get him off lumpy jars. Feeding him has been the haerdest, most frustrating thing I have ever had to do. To feed him jars he required constant distractions (eg toys, books). He took ages to become interested in just eating bitd of our food and for ages would just chuck them on the floor or eat a tiny bit then leave it.

We are now at the stage where we give him fromage frais for breakfast (won't eat cereal or weetabix or readybrek), I have to distract him with a magazine or video's off my phone to get him to eat the fromage frais otherwise not one single spoon will be accepted.

Then he gets some sort of sandwich for lunch (philidelphia,tuna,cheese, egg etc) and some quavers and bits of cheese that he likes to eat. He usually takes about 2 bite of the sandwich at lunch if we're lucky then eats a bit of cheese and about half a bag of quavers. I then have to distract him (again!) to get him to eat a high cal pudding such as custard or more fomage frais or ice cream etc

Tea is bits of ours cut up which has varying success, sometimes he eats quite a bit (10 bites max) and sometimes hardly a scrap. Pudding is the same as lunchtime, high cal, spoon fed. DH usually does tea to give me a break from the feeding although I am there also as we all eat together.

He has 4 4oz bottles of milk a day as he won't take more than 4 oz a bottle ( I would love to be able to give him 2 8oz bottles or even 3 5 oz). He won't take the milk from a cup although he can drink prefectly well from a cup and he has his juice in one.

The dietician has recently also prescribed him some high calorie powder to add to his milk or food. He refused point blank to eat it in his food. I don't blame him as it was grainy and didn't dissolve very well. We therefor add it to his last two bottles of the day as to not affect his appetite during the day.

Recently we ran out of the higher energy milk temporarily (paediasure plus) and had to give him just the SMA for a week or so whilst we waited for the prescription. Ds's interest in food increased noticabily when he was on the SMA alone and he ate slightly more than when he has the paediasure mixed in. I have always believed from the begining that the paediasure didn't help matters. The dietician said to see how he is off it for a few more weeks and if still the same she will put him on a less calorie dense paediasure that is more suitable nutritionally for his age than the SMA.

I'm a little worried that changing him milk again will have some sort of affect on his eating, changing anything usually does. I'm also concerned that even though his appetite is better off the paediasure he still doesn't eat a whole lot more, just seems more willing to eat at all iyswim so he might not make up the calorie difference.

The main problem has always been the amounts he eats, he is quite good at trying a variety of foods if in the right mood but just looses interest very quickly. He just doesn't seem to get he has to eat a lot to grow, it's as if he's just not hungry.

When we saw the dietician the other day she made some 'helpful' suggestions on ways to encourage him to eat. She suggested reward charts/stickers for eating a bite of something or another page of his story for eating such and such. Thing is i'm pretty certian he is too young to understand this concept yet, we have tried over the last few days and he just doesn't seem to get what we're on about?!

I have watched many episodes of 'the house of tiny tearaways' to try and get answers on feeding problems. I have taken away from this that anxiety is the enemy. We spend each mealtime trying to be as relaxed as possible and basically just let him get on with playing with his food whilst we chat amongst ourselves and occaionally to him. We give him gentle praise when he eats something and clear his food away when he finally starts throwing it on the floor. We don't put too much on his tray and we always offer something we know he likes/somehthing familiar and something else for him to try. I don't know what more we can do?!

This is what has brought me to write this all down. I feel that everytime we see the dietician she makes suggestions on ways to get him to eat or things to feed him that are high calorie. I always come away from the appointments with renewed hope that we have new ideas to try and desperately hope that one of these ideas will work. Then wht happens is I get back to reality at home, try the suggestions and they don't work. This makes me sink even lower and makes me feel even more defeated and helpless than before . I always end up feeling so sad to the point that I just feel like going somewhere ds can't see me and sobbing my heart out.

We have tried so much, so many tactics and ideas over the months but the daily grind of having to feed him and progress being so painfully slow just gets me down. I try not to think about it most of the time and try to remain positive butif I stop to think about it then I just have massive feelings of hopelessness. I feel like i'm letting him down, I don't know why he won't eat more, I can't help him to eat more cause nothing works and nobody, not even the many professinals we have seen have any answers of ideas that can help us.

I don't want him to be on 2 types of high cal milk and high cal powder. I don't want to try to constantly feed him high calorie foods as deep down I feel it is unhealthy for him. I don't want to distract him whilst I spoon food in to him. I just want to be a relaxed mother who can let him discover food and feed himself. I can't be that mother though because the fact is, if I just leave him to it he will not gain enough weight and it'll be my fault. i'm crying writing this, I feel totally at a loss and I know my DH feels exaclty the same

I feel left alone to stuggle and wish someone could tell me why he is like this or at least give me something I can do about it that works.

[NorkilyChallenged]

There is so much I want to say, I really feel for you as I know the guilt you speak of (without having to endure all the medical intervention you've had).

I would say you have plenty of support here for your "experiment" so just start it and chart it here (if that helps, I think it would help me in that situation). You will feel guilt no matter what as you know, so you might as well try something new and feel guilty in a different way for a while

Some of the lists of "what my child eats in a day" posted here have left me feeling "wow, that's WAY more than dd1 or dd2". When I'm not supposed to be playing with them so busy, I'll try to write out a list of what they eat in a day (they are 2.7 and 1.4) to show you what I mean.

I'm feeling grateful I never go to baby clinic with them!

[citybranch]

Have read this with interest. Loads of sympathy to you because I know exactly how you feel.

My DS is 2yr 9 months and 'stopped eating' about a year ago. He now only eats yoghurt, biscuits, peanut butter on toast or dry bread with no butter, and not much of it.
The difference with our situation is that no medical professional is bothered AT ALL with his lack of intake. Last winter he was being rushed to A&E once a month because of throat infections, and one paed said he had massive tonsils and this was the cause of the infections AND the eating problems.

I was so happy, I thought we could solve it! But every ENT person who has seen him says there is nothing medically wrong.

I am often driven to despair because he constantly asks for food, opens the fridge to nose around etc. When he asks for something I give it to him immediately and then he doesn't touch it. We go round and round all day like this!

Soometimes, I get a kind of jolt...I'm make dinner for us but DS only eats a slice of dry bread, and DH and I say 'great! he ate that slice of bread. Good news' but it isn't good is it? Its a slice of bread FGS! Utter despair.

Just about to start weaning DD and to be honest, I am terrified. My family and friends all say, don't worry she'll be so different. But i am so frightened that she'll turn out the same!

Will show DH this thread because we feel like we haven't had much support with this, so this thread is good news. Really feel for you OP.

[Dalrymps]

I wouldn't worry about the lists, I think some kis survive on less than others easily and some need more... For instance ds's cousin eats loads but is still normal size, actually quite petite and his other cousin is quite fussy and doesn't always eat his meals but again he's normal size. Different kids I guess.

In my case ds would probably have to eat more than some other kids to be normal size so the fact he eats so little means he's more likely to be skinny. That's my theory anyway.

You're right, the guilt is there whatever. I hope that something changes when I do the experiment...

[Dalrymps]

City - I'm glad that this thread has helped you feel less 'alone' sometimes it can feel like everyone elses children eat like horses and we're stuck in this daily dispair.

We too do the 'oh good he ate 5 bites of food this tea time' trying to be positive but then equallty think inside 'I wish he'd just eat his tea like a 'normal' child'.

I'm going to show my dh the thread too as he struggles with this as much as me but I don't feel he gets the very important support I get here that helps me carry on without going mad!

[cyteen]

In case it makes any of you lovely ladies feel better, I've just remembered that my cousin lived for many years on ketchup sandwiches, salt and pepper sandwiches (both made with dry white bread, obviously), potato waffles and Alphabites. He absolutely would not touch anything else. As far as I know he's grown into a reasonable human being with a wife and two kids, steady work as a plumber etc. The fact that he's a twat is neither here nor there

[Dalrymps]

That does make me feel better cyteen. Lol at 'the fact that he's a twat is neither here nor there'.

Started 'the experiment' today. Went ok for day one. 2 bites of crumpet for breakfast, not much for lunch.. few mini chedars and nibble of a choclate roll, tea was better.. whole packet of quavers, quite a few chicken noodles, quite a bit of grated cheese and most of a french fancy . He drank all his whole milk apart from 1oz.

Quite encouraging, it's really scary but we're staying strong, I was really pleased with tea time, he sat and ate constantly for over half an hour without loosing interest.

Will keep updating for those who are interested, even if it goes wrong I guess it'll be interesting none the less.

[iwascyteenagewerewolf]

I'm interested Seems to me this is as much an experiment in learning to trust yourself as anything else. You are his mum, you know and love him best - you're not going to let anything happen to him.

[Dalrymps]

You're right, i'm terrified something will happen and it will be my fault, of course back in reality I'd never let anything happen

[NeedCoffee]

Dal-fab news that tea time went well, don't forget that He maay get worse before He gets better but not to worry if He has a few off days. I'm really proud of you doing this knowing how terrified you are that something will go wrong, but as you say, you'd never let anything happen anyway

[Dalrymps]

Thanks NC, i'll keep it in mind, just trying to concentrate on the positives

[Horton]

Tea time sounds brilliant, well done! And you are your son's mum. You will know straight away if anything is amiss, you really will. There is nothing to lose unless you're not bothering to monitor what's going on and we all know that's not the case!

[MamaChris]

Dalrymps, that sounds like a great tea time - well done. eating for 30 minutes without losing interest is absolutely amazing! that is my very first aim - making food something that is enjoyable and not scary or stressful

[whelk]

Well done Dalrymps. That sounds great and well done for trying it. I'm not trying to diminish the issues your ds has but do try to bear in mind that all 2 year olds eat a very erratic diet (e.g a couple of bites for lunch). Im not trying to diminish anything but just trying to emphasise the importance of not comparing his eating habits to an adults (albiet in smaller amounts!).
Anyway well done. Sounds like a very normal tea!
If the other story helped , my cousin ate nothing but apple and cheese for 2 years and is now a very fit sporty, and a chef! And not a twat!!!

[MamaChris]

oh, ok, if we're swapping stories... I used to have a very restricted diet which at its worst (for a couple of years) meant eating only 5 things: green apples, sweetcorn+ketchup, baked beans, weetabix and porridge. (almost certainly this is why I'm so panicky about ds's eating). but, although I got pretty thin, I still managed to grow up healthy and happy and now love my food.

I do suspect ds is karma for what I put my mother through though...

[Dalrymps]

Loving the stories

Ds woke with a cold today, typical! He hasn't had one for ages!

So... we are carrying on but not expecting great things till he's over his cold. He's done ok today though, we popped to Newcastle (an hour away) as we desperately needed some outfits for my nieces christening and shopping here is rubbish!

Anyway, he had a few bites of toast for breakfast and a piece of chocolate and a few quavers (pls note: choc and crisps is usually a big no no at breakfast time but I gave in cause he was poorly and looked so sad with his little red nose). Lunchtime we went to burgerking, he ate more chips than he's ever eaten there before (usually hardly eats anything when we go there, well, only been with his about 2 times). So yeah, he had loads of chips, bits of burger, crisps and a bit of cake . When we got back he sat and ate quite a bit of cheese for tea and more quavers and nibbled some quiche and had a tiny bit if a lemon cake slice.

So not a bad day to say he is full of the cold, he didn't finish his last 2 bottles but over the day has only had 3-4oz less than normal, tbh I think he was just knackered and couldn't be arsed with the milk, he didn't have a very long nap and was wakeful last night with his snotty nose...

I'm happy with today bearing in mind he's ill, had a bit of a wobble after he went to bed worrying he'll loose loads of weight with being ill and doing the experiment at the same time. Dh reassured me we are doing the right thing and should just take it one day at a time.

[smileyboy]

I seem to be quite late in joining this thread but I am going throuh the same thing with my 2.2 yr old.

He will not eat anything at the table at all but there have been many stressful and pointlss battles there so I can see why. But it basically means he just wanders around to eat which I am worried is not creating good eating habbits for school and the future in general.

He just nibbles everything but eats nothing in terms of portion sizes.

Even a young baby when weaning, he never really took to solids. I had to distract him and keep his hands busy while I spooned in yogurt or fruit puree, the only 2 things he would eat.

I went to a soft play centre last week and was so suprised to see children his age sat in highchairs eating proper meals. My ds has never sat in a high chair for more than 5 minutes and will pick the meat out of meals and eat it but refuse anythiing else. Even then, at a soft play centre he'd just be waaaaay too distracted to eat anything... would just scream to go and play.

He just doesn't ever seem to want food. He seems to put playing above everything else and would gladly go hungry in order to carry on playing.

There is no way of getting him to be spoon fed, he refuses regardless of distractions. He is perfectly capable of using a spoon and a fork but rarely does.

I just get so fed up of every day trying to be positive and realising that the onlt thing he will reliable eat is dry brown bread (maybe half a slice if I am lucky) and the occassional few grapes.

Everything else he just nibbles at and has less than a spoonfull of before he says 'finished' and the more encouragement or pursuasion we give, the more he closes down to it all together.

I basically have to ignore him all together at meal times and not even mention the food or else he just doesn't want it. It just seems too much pressure for him and I don't know what to do.

I am trying to just serve meals this week, no bread snacks (which I am guilty of giving him just so I know he has eaten something). I am trying to not pay attention and just provide healthy filling meals 3 times a day with fruit as a snack but it is hard.

I know I have to do it... I can not keep begging him to eat and giving stickers, pursuasions, none of that works for him and the more intervention or interference I have the less interested he is. I have to let him realise that he is hungry and hopefully he'll develop an appitite in time.

He is on 75th centile for height and 50th for weight so he is fairly average but the gap between the centiles is slighly bigger than HV would like. He is gaining weight but very very slowly now. About a pound in the last 6 months.

It's so worrying and it is a daily burden for us. I dread meal times and I know because of this I need to relax for his sake.

Just wanted to ahare my story and nick any tips! Seems like your experiment is working dal, I am watching with interest. Good luck.

[Dalrymps]

Smileyboy - Sorryto hear you're having such a stressfull time. I totally understand how you feel.

One thing I will say is that I think you're doing exactly the right thing at the moment, no pressure, no battles just feed him an no big deal either way.

I would ignore that the hv thinks there's a bigger gap between centiles than she'd like. If you focus on that it'll just stress you more. The fact is he's growing and he's on a coog centile despite eating what he does. Clearly if he ate more he might weigh a bit more but that's neither here nor there, he doesn't weigh less cause he's ill or anything, he could gain the weight if he ate some more but he;s not going to be seriously affected in any way without that extra bit of weight in the meantime iyswim.

All I can say is, I think the approach you're using will work but it might just take longer than you expect. he has to unlearn old habbits and stop feeling stressed about mealtimes. It will happen if you're consistant though. Easy for me to say but I believe it even though I get totally stressed when trying to apply it to my own situation.

I'll post more tomorrow but am sooo tired so off to bed for now. x

[smileyboy]

Hi Dal yes I think you are right about my HV. She is obsessed with centiles and averages. I don't think my ds is unhealthy although I do acknowledge that he does have a very unhealthy attitude towards food whixh was not helped by all the distracting whilst spoon feeding when he was tiny. I think I just hoped he'd grow out of it and suddenly learn to enjoy food but it has just never happened.

I am quite prepared for it to take a long time but I really do need to make those changes. I have a friend whose son is 4 and barelyt eats, every meal time he is pressured vy her saying 'eat it eat one more bite, eat it and you can have a treat' and so on and the poor boy is so stressed every meal time and I can totally see that I have been doing the same with my ds. It's just so hard to remain calm even when you know you need to. It just seems that I need my ds to eat and I will do anythig to get just a few more bites into him which is not teaching him when he is hungry an how to enjoy food in the long run.

So I am conducting my own litte 'experiment' by removing all pressure, not commenting on how much he's eaten as he doesn't even respond to praise where food's concerned. He eats as much as he wants whether I pay attention or not in fact often me praising him and applauding just acts as a distraction if that makes sense? The less I seem to bother him the more he seems to eat so I am hoping it will work over the coming months.

It is good to know that there are others out there who know how I feel though.It is such a stressfull thing and it is worse when they have a cold so I sympathise. My ds refuses anything when he's ill so I just let him nibble on quavers and whatever he will touch again I find it reduces the stress for him and me though and I know that he has eaten something!

Hope everything goes ok today.

[whelk]

Well done Dalrymple - sounds like a pretty good eating day for your little man, especially if he has a cold.
Smiley- my dd2 is on 95th centile for height and lower than 50th for weight and NO-ONE has suggested this is of any concern! DD1 is on 25th for height and 50th weight and again- no-one has been concerned.
I assumed this is because people (and therefore toddlers) come in all shapes and sizes! I have honestly NEVER met anyone who has a toddler on the same centile for height and weight! Actually maybe one out of about 10 mums I can think of

[whelk]

Sorry I called you Dalrymple - my friend is called that and Dalrymps as a nickname! How very rude of me!! Sorry

[Dalrymps]

Lol thats ok whelk, that's my surname anyway... Maybe i'm related to your friend ooh!

Smileyboy - Yes, you are definately doing the right thing. It certainly is very hard to keep calm when you feel anything but inside, it's the hardest thing i've ever done. You are doing so well though, we're all here to support you through it

Ignore the hv, he is a healthy size and weight, absolutely nothing wrong with not being on 'matching' centiles.

I find it difficult feeding ds things I know are not as healthy as i'd like but at the end of the day, when them eating at all is a bonus then you have to give them what they'll eat.

It's actually a good way to get them to eat more variety, to always give them something familiar then something slightly different. Apparently toddlers are kind of food phobic with anything different so it's best to branch out gradually. For eg: if they like crisps try giving different flavour then different type then maybe crispy type things and so on. Ds likes cheese so we try him with diferent types of cheeses and different forms like cream cheese, cheese strings, etc etc some he accepts, some he doesn't but it's a bit of variety.

He didn't want breakfast today, was snotty and clingy and wouldn't even go in his highchair, wasn't surprised really poor little guy, he just wanted to sit on my knee. I offered him some of my muffin in the lounge and even some crisps but wasn't interested. Anyway he drank his milk and had a good nap and has now had lunch. Quite a few bites of cheese on toast (with added butter underneath), some quavers (of course), 4 heaped teaspoons of muller corner yogurt with chocolate balls in and a nibble of cake. Pleased with that when he's got a cold

[iwascyteenagewerewolf]

Just had a thought - although my DS is on the other side of this discussion a bit porky I often do Muffin Tin Monday with him and he really seems to enjoy it. Today, for example, he had cucumber sticks, spaghetti hoops, chopped up potato waffle, beansprouts, bits of rice cake spread with cream cheese, and mashed sweet potato with lemon and cumin. Initially he sort of tasted everything and made faces at me, then he ate all the potato waffle, then he spooned up all the sweet potato (after I thought he wasn't going to like it), then he sort of mixed the spaghetti hoops in with all the other stuff, then picked them out again with his spoon and ate them...being able to play and explore and eat in whatever combination he likes seems to make it more of an event, rather than just a meal iyswim.

[Dalrymps]

Ooh good idea cyteen , I might try that once he's feeling a little better. I quite fancy a muffin tin of food or myself though

[Dalrymps]

I'm going to keep updating this when I feel like it even if not being read anymore, more just for my own records really

Ds's cold a little better today. He was a little reluctant to go in his highchair but I put him in anyway with a view to taking him out again if he got upset. He calmed down quickly and was fine to I gave him his juice and made breakfast.

He did well. I gave him half a slice of bread toasted with butter and lemon curd. I cut it in to 5 strips and he ate 4 of them! I was so pleased, thats nearly half a piece of bread he ate, not done that before

[CookieMonster2]

I'm still reading, because I really want to know how you get on once all the extra milk is cut out of his diet. Sounds like he is eating really well to me, and once the cold has gone it might get even better. I wouldn't worry about weight gain. Weight gain doesn't seem to happen gradually, they'll not put on any weight for ages and then put on loads in one go. At this stage I would say the most important thing is getting him happy with eating and eating a variety of foods. I'm sure my dd was only weighed once every 6 months at that age.