Desperate, our meal times have descended into the 7th circle of hell

[TribbleNamedDave]

Please help me, I'm really desperate. My just turned two year old has turned into a nightmare. In the past few weeks he's turned from a lovely eater into a demon.

He won't eat anything, I'm past trying to make him eat. I don't care, I just want him to sit at the table and not throw things.

Help me, I dread meal times. I'm actually sat here on the verge of tears over it all. He just screams and tantrums all the way through dinner times. I've tried ignoring, disciplining, high chair, no high chair, trying to engage him in the cooking process etc. It's turned into this big power play somehow and I don't want that.

Please help me.

Sorry you're having a terrible time - 2 yr olds seem designed to push all our buttons.

It's so difficult, but I would suggest just serving what you've planned (things he's more likely to eat with some things he might not), and then persisting with enforcing your boundaries around mealtimes. So decide if you're going to use a high chair or not, and then stick with it. If he's not in a high chair then if he gets down without asking then just pick him up and put him back each time. If he has a tantrum, then move all the food etc out of range, let him tantrum and then when he's calm ask him If he wants to eat any more. If he throws things don't return them. If he throws his plate/food then end the meal and clear away - it won't do him any harm to miss one meal, especially if he learns that it gets him nowhere. If he asks for food inbetween planned meals/snacks then the answer is no, but it will be time for food soon.

If my DS starts to complain and whinge about what I'm serving then a phrase I use a lot is "that's ok, you don't have to eat it, but it's going on your plate". We can't control what they eat, only what we offer them. If they're not hungry or they really don't like what's in front of them then there's no point trying to make a battle out of it. During mealtimes, try not to make any comments about his eating/not eating - just be as neutral as possible. If he says he doesn't like it or whatever, don't get drawn into a discussion just say "that's ok, you don't have to eat it" and then repeat as necessary.

Can I recommend a book? Try My Child Won't Eat by Carlos Gonzalez. Your library might have a copy if you're lucky

It's just the terrible twos. Remember most of us have been through this and you aren't alone. I wouldn't make him sit at the table. I got DD1 the ikea junior chair so she can get up and down the chair herself. Even now at 4yo I let her leave the table when she's finished and got bored. I am trying to teach her to say 'may I be excused'. She just doesn't have the attention span for sitting through a meal unless she is eating.

I can't do this anymore, I hate my child. He won't eat, he just sits there and screams. I'm so tired of every meal time turning into this huge screamathon. I can't just let him go though, what kind of example does that set for my older one. We can't have one rule for one, and one for another.

I'm so worn down, I sat at the table tonight and sobbed.

Ok, you don't hate your child - you hate the behaviour and the way it makes you feel. I doubt he particularly enjoys sitting and screaming every meal time either.

Is there any possibility that your DH/DP or another close relative could be there for the evening meals tomorrow and Friday? Just to give you some moral support and to give you a bit of a break?

Would he sit on your lap? Maybe without even giving him a plate of his own. Just to try and take the pressure off? He might be prepared to pick at your food. I think rather than trying to get him to eat, the focus should be on trying to de-escalate mealtimes, and just get him to join you and be calm.

Can you talk to your older child and explain that your younger child is still learning how to behave and needs a bit of help at the moment. Praise the older one for being a good example and for being well behaved.

Do you give him anything between meals? Is he eating at all? If not, have you tried Calpol half an hour before meals? Could be teething - some molars come through at two.

Zirca he eats breakfast and lunch, which is normally cereal and toast and a sandwich and fruit respectively. He eats no problem then, he sees cooked food and just flips. I'm not even trying to get him to eat, I just want him to seat with us.

Culture tried that, same result as everything else I've tried. Seriously, this is five/six weeks down the line and I'm just done.

What happens if you do a sandwich/fruit in the evening as well as at lunch? Is it just hot food that caused the reaction?

Pretty much just hot food Culture, although he did eat sausages and fish fingers the other day.

You have my sympathy toddlers can be tricky wee so and sos. Mine only ate plain pasta or rice and chicken and fruit after a dose of Norovirus but it turned into food refusal. I served one meal of plain stuff that I knew he would eat so I knew he was eating something. Lunch was a mix of stuff he would eat stuff I knew he wouldn't and I ignored the fact he ate nothing at breakfast. He will try new stuff now if he is really hungry and will eat food that's been left for hours (provided it's not a health risk) when he is hungry. tantrums I was told to ignore as long as he was safe. I put him in his room so I didn't need to listen to him.
At nearly 3 is making huge steps forward and will eat veg and try new things all be it plainish. You will get through it. I also offered a boring snack and milk at bedtime if I was worried but mine likes dry bread so it didn't work as a 'punishment' as such.

Does he react the same way to cooked food at lunch time? If he does, then perhaps try offering him something cold to eat while you have dinner. Perhaps he flips because he can't cope with the texture/warmth of cooked food yet is hungry.

We have a very non confrontational approach. This is what is on offer. Take it or leave it. If my2 year

Oops. If my son doesn't eat dinner, he gets no more than normal for breakfast and lunch the next day. He usually eats well the following evening. No fuss about it though. Just quietly remove the plate and ignore.

We are talking about a just turned 2yr old. Yes some might have the capacity to sit nicely & eat at mealtimes, especially if they just love food. But lots don't!

I would lower your expectations. They are still learning to sit & eat nicely at 4/5 in reception .

You can explain to your older child that ds2 is still learning. Lots of praise for the child who does sit nicely.

The worst thing you can get with a 2yr old is start a battle. They just dig their heels in.

It sounds like he's not hungry

No snacks 2 hours before a meal. If hes already snack free, give a smaller lunch so he can work up an appetite by tea time. Does he snack?

Let him get down from the table once he's finished eating. Don't nag him to eat or pass comment on how much he eats. Accept he's not hungry, let him get down and continue having a nice meal with the rest of your family. He will eventually want to be a part of the enjoyment eventually. When he's a bit older you can reintroduce staying at the table till everyone finishes.

I would also probably give him his tea at lunch the following day if he wasn't hungry when initially offered it.

A child throwing food around and not eating is a sign they are not hungry. You can't force him to eat when not hungry.

I would keep his tea and try again in an hr or so. Really wouldn't stress about it.

What is his meal/snack routine generally like?

has there been something which triggered this initial behavior e.g. a bout of sickness or a stomach bug? It's not uncommon for children to become texturally intolerant after a stomach bug where often they're almost reduced back to babyhood by eating things like just yoghurt and porridge and the like iyswim and for eating habits to suffer after that.

What I would do is:

try switching the cooked meal to lunchtime rather than teatime so as to get a better picture of whether it is actually the cooked food he is objecting to or whether it is something else e.g. whether he's just not hungry at teatime.

Reduce snacks to an absolute minimum. so if he's not eating meals then he doesn't get snacks. Any snacks you do give make them only healthy ones, so remove all biscuits, sweets, crisps, cake and give fruit only. Not that I'm saying you give too many of these things fwiw just that it's very easy for children to get caught up in the desire for sweet snacks and then not eat healthily as a result, something which is easier to fall into when you have an older child who is allowed access to such things.

At mealtimes present the food and if he refuses to eat it then remove it without comment when you remove the rest of the meal from the table, but offer nothing else until breakfast.

And this is the hard bit, reward the good behavior, ignore the bad behavior. So, if he is eating then lots of talk/praise/even a sticker chart for trying something/eating all of something/sitting nicely at the table. with a reward if he gets so many stickers, perhaps get one of those ones which gets you to the sun or something? I had a marble jar for mine when he was little.... use this system even during the meals when you generally don't get problems, because he will associate good mealtimes and good behavior with getting the stickers.

But if he screams then ignore, and what I mean by that is that screaming is not tolerated on any level, so if he screams remove him from the table and put him in time-out for two minutes. It can be his bedroom, the lounge, somewhere you can close the door but which isn't too much fun but where he will be safe. Tell him he is going in there because he is screaming, but after two minutes go back and get him, give him a cuddle and move on back to the table. Repeat as necessary.

And utter the words "this too shall pass." :-)

Bakery I expect it off of him because he can do it, he did it today at lunch time, he sat at the table, ate his sandwich, left half of it, was offered one or two other things which he didn't want. He then popped his plate in the sink and off he went. No fuss, no issues, was praised accordingly and then he went off for his nap.

Routine wise, he normally gets up at 6am, has a piece of toast and some wheetabix. How much he has is determined by him, he'll take us to the cupboard or fridge and ask if he wants more after his toast. He may have a snack mid morning, might be fruit or a yoghurt pouch. He'll have lunch between 11am and 12pm, depending on what we're doing or how hungry he is. Lunch is normally a cheese sandwich and fruit, maybe a few pom bears. Has his nap between 1-3.30pm. Tea time is normally at 5pm (I'm moving it later tonight), where he'll have a small portion of whatever we're having, so pasta, curry etc.

We also tried giving him his tea later, screamed at the very sight of it.

Box No snacks or milk at all in the afternoons. On the odd occasion he may have a cheese string or a fruit stick thing, but not as a rule.

The cooked food at lunch is ok in theory, but we're normally out and about most week days so we wouldn't have time to cook something. Plus with nursery drop off/pick up for oldest it's all a time game as well at times.

Well at just gone 2 they have pretty much zero impulse control. So yes he may well sit nicely & eat when he is hungry but if he just wants to get down & play then you're gonna have a lot of stress trying to make him sit nicely & eat (as he is proving!).

Much easier to go with the flow & not make an issue at this age.

I think it's quite common that they have less appetite at dinner at this age. Certainly noticed that with my 3 boys.

I'd let him down from the table & all make a big fuss of the elder one enjoying his tea. Make it look fun & delicious etc.

Good luck anyway. It is all just phases.

Aim for an early lunch, no Pom bears, no afternoon cheese strings, eating tea slightly later.

Can you start varying his lunch so it's different and still healthy every day. So salad with chicken sandwich, veg sticks with jacket potato and tuna, lentil soup.

He sounds stuck with the same old breakfast/lunch each day and he could easily decide to whittle down his food repotire to just cheese sandwiches, wheatabix, toast, cheese strings plus Pom bears. Essentially that's just an overkill of wheat, wheat, wheat with cheese, cheese, processed snack.

Kids often eat well for two meals and badly for one. Can you make the food he does eat count.

Box I'll give it a go, when said like that. You're right, he might decide to just eat cheese sandwiches for the next six months.

Firstly you have all my sympathy. I vividly remember my son being like this. I agree that just not making a fuss about it and just getting on with normal dinner is a good plan. However at 5.00 with no snack he might be sooo tired and hungry that he can't cope with dinner. A snack after nap might make him less reactive?

I hope tomorrow's better for you. It's awful cooking, then having a disastrous meal time.

We had a nice tea time last night thank goodness, I also took Box advice about varying lunch. He poked a carrot into some peanut butter but didn't eat it. He also ate some cocktail sausages alongside his usual sandwich (we went on a picnic). Thankfully, he eats all manner of fruit so he's not too restricted.

Tonight I'm doing a leftovers type of tea, hopefully he'll get into the spirit of choosing and stay calm for it. Then tomorrow, I'm doing hot lunch and tea (simple easy stuff that I know he'll sit for at least). I'm hoping that a couple of days will start breaking the scream cycle, and the frustration cycle with me and we can go from there.

Thank you for all your help, I'm definitely taking the suggestion about varying his meals and going to try offering different bits at Breakfast and lunch alongside his normal fare (today I tried wraps and cut up veg with dip).

As a plus point though, my oldest was utterly delighted by the dips and wraps.