Should you let your child win, or play to win every time?

[Parker1970]

How do y’all play with your little ones when it comes to backyard games? I’ve always been a little confused on what the difference is between letting your kiddos win and handicapping. Are those the same exact thing? I’m just curious because I read an article online about it which I can provide if y’all would like. But anyways now I’m curious what everyone else does for these activities? Could you possibly give an example so I can understand?

I am making an edit real quick. What I mean by backyard games is that of outside games.

Depends on the game, the child and the day. Some days I will play to win when the child is in a good moood and feeling confident and competitive. Other days when the child needs a boost and connection I play gentler. Making the fund of playing the game most important.

There’s probably a healthy balance - if you want to encourage learning, developing their physical/emotional skills, team spirit etc there’s a sweet spot where you’re not pushing them so hard that they get frustrated, but they’re motivated enough to improve their skills to match you and eventually defeat you. Like a carrot on a stick - hold it far enough away so they get a taste every now and again to motivate them.

I think also sometimes it’s just fun and bonding to be totally yourself, and when they’re little enough they’re in awe of your strength/speed etc. They soon lose that awe as they get older though!

I usually play to win, but tweet the rules to counter the advantage of been bigger. So this might be both kids against just me or giving them head start.

Handicapping isn't letting your child win, it's evening the playing field to make it fairer.

I’m a little confused on what the difference is between just letting your child win versus handicapping? As far as I understand aren’t those just the exact same thing? For example in basketball, or running, What were the difference be doing one over the other?

It’s not an either/or. It’s just pushing them gently in a way that they can cope with emotionally.

So if you’re playing basketball, maybe start a session by throwing in a way that they’re likely to catch the ball, but when you know they can cope with a bit more challenge, throw the ball a little bit further or higher.

Don’t overthink it. Go at your child’s pace. Make it more about play than competition.

For Basketball right now we are just working on catching and tossing the ball back-and-forth. They do like to have little runs with me. So which one should I do. Let them win, or handicap? I understand you say it’s not either or, but is there a difference? They just sound like the exact same thing but at the same timethey are two different words. I just want to make sure I’m Doing this right

I've always focused on skills so like modelling different types of catches or if playing football turning and defending with the ball. Laugh if they can't get ball and say look how I'm turning with the ball, you have a go at doing it. Watch and encourage them to do it. Once they can master a few skills they'll be better able to hold their own against their class mates or compete in a junior team. If it's board games like Monopoly, Ludo or Scrabble I play to win. I don't agree with just letting kids win.

Letting them win would be playing in a way where they cannot loose, and win every time.

Handicapping is where it still takes some skill & effort to win, but less skill then if you were playing competitively. They will still win more often then if you were playing to win, but will lose sometimes.

So for throwing and catching. Letting them win would be throwing the ball slowly directly at their hands, whereas depending on skill Handicapping might be a medium speed throw, generally towards them but needing them to move their hand a foot or so. The idea being you would make the throws gradually more difficult as their skill improves.

I think you’re nitpicking.

Occasionally there’s a case for ‘letting kids win’ - if they’re really discouraged and need to feel the thrill of winning to lift them out of despair, it’s needed. My son happens to have an easily despairing disposition where he’ll easily give up and want to walk away, so I have to work pretty hard to keep him engaged and meet him where he is otherwise he wouldn’t learn.

Some kids will cope with much more emotionally, so you can be much more competitive with them and they’ll find it fun and motivating. If you’re dimming your full strength/skill to play with them maybe that counts as ‘handicapping’? Tbh I think of ‘handicapping’ as more of a sporting term where points or an advantage or whatever is awarded to compensate for lesser skill/ability.

There’s a point where an adult playing to their full strength/skill becomes unempathetic or even abusive e.g. imagine if David Beckham played football to his full strength/skill level with his toddler, to the point where the toddler was getting hit by the ball or couldn’t run fast enough to join in and getting upset.

It’s all a sliding scale. As a parent you have to judge where your kid is at and meet them there. It’s not always about winning/losing, it’s about expanding their emotional and physical skills, and expansion is best achieved bit by bit. (That includes teaching kids to win/lose with grace, so you might decide you need to win to teach them how to lose well!)

I think it depends whether it's a competitive game or just developing skills. If developing skills, there isn't really any winning or losing.

But in a game, once children are school age they do need to learn that they won't always win. Because they won't always win when playing with friends, and they need to know how to lose gracefully.

Depends on the game, situation, all sorts of things. Games of chance- play to win. Games of skill- use your judgement.

I agree with others, let them win if they need it but it needs to be balanced out with losing too. I also think modelling behaviour when you "lose" as an adult and talk about what a great game it was rather than focusing on a winner. The same when you win, what a great game no running round the garden with your hands in the air shouting winner, winner. The game is the important bit. To quote Zootopia Try Everything, "Sometimes we come last, but we did our best."

A child of the 60s / 70s here. My parents never let us win at games, so we got into the mind set that you tried hard and life needs effort and we were never / are not bad losers and the games were always about having fun and learning to play with others. They would help, guide, teach us to play better but never allowed us to win unless we did so on our own. A good life lesson and maybe contributed to resilience in later life.

The idea of handicapping is, that after setting the handicap you can play to win - and will win some and lose some, because the handicap is evening out your chances.

I don't automatically let kids win, but I do try and teach them how to be successful at whatever they are playing. Recently that's been noughts and crosses, cluedo, and monopoly, which they now have down. I let them win a couple of times and then showed them how I would beat them, and taught them the best strategies, and now they play each other and beat each other using what I've taught them.

I think it's good for kids to win, and to win nicely, but it's good for them to learn how to lose nicely too. So it's equally important for them to lose as well as to win.

I’m not talking about board games, or video games. I’m talking about outside games. I’m drawing a blank on what they’re called but for example how would you play basketball with a small child, or perhaps running, Would you just let the child win? How good of a chance would they have playing normally?

I’m just curious what I read online is all

@Parker1970 my youngest child is now 19 and we had a lot of time playing garden games anything from cornhole/bean bag toss, boules, ring toss where you get the rings over pegs, croquet etc. We did indoor basketball with a soft ball as the hoop was over the door. Dh is 6'3" he still "missed" shots so that the children could learn you didn't always get it right every time. I mean if anyone watches football professionals miss goals all the time.

I don't think any child wants to play with an adult who beats them every time. It is just not fun. My older sibling is 6 years older than my younger sibling. They never played together because my older sibling would trounce my younger sibling. All out to win so we never played with them. Your use of y'all makes me think you are American and to be honest I do think that there is a difference between the US and the UK in terms of parenting norms ie the yellow school bus or walking home from school. Ours cannot walk home without an adult until the last year of primary, fifth grade equivalent.

I know a PP has said they were never allowed to win and they were fine. Personally I would not have enjoyed that and I was a fast runner, javelin and discus thrower etc so it wasn't like I hated sports or wasn't good at it. So no, I wouldn't run the fastest I could because I am a grown adult with long legs my child liked keeping up with me not watching my back as I ran gleefully into the distance. Children know parents are more skilled.

I think it is good to challenge children to practise, to improve to make things slightly harder so there is a sense of achievement. This is also child dependent too, some children are more resilient than others and better on some days than others. This is just my personal view.

I don’t exactly know what you mean by handicapping - does it mean setting yourself a higher target or putting yourself at a disadvantage with eg you have to score 3 times as many goals to win, or you have to play with one hand or something? I think it would be hard and a bit over complicated to truly even things out between an adult and a 5 year old for instance. If I was playing basketball with a 5 year old, I’d try to give them a bit of challenge and score nearly as many as them, or alternate me winning and them winning. If I was playing against a competent 13 year old I’d be trying quite hard to beat them!

Big difference between evening the playing field and letting them win.
Personally I don’t think letting them win does any good.
My son for example: if we are kicking a ball around and I’m in goal, I don’t let easy goals in, but I’m in also not going to put in a full effort dive to save one like I would if I was playing competitively with adults.

So how do you judge what would be good for them? Like what would you say is good for Someone who is 13, or how would you determine what would be considered a lot of work for a third grader or a toddler. I’m asking because I have a toddler and a third grader. So I guess what I’m asking is, why would you even playing field for my kids but not before the 13-year-old? Like for example, how would you play something such as basketball with them? Or maybe running with them? Or bowling?

Basketball with a 13 year old, I’m not evening the playing field 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m not a pro-basketball player, and most 13 year olds I know are similar in height to me and definitely have a better level of cardio fitness than me 🤷🏻‍♀️😂
Bowling, obviously I’d let a toddler or younger child have the bumpers up to block the gutters and use a ball ramp. My 10 year old doesn’t use the ramp anymore but does still have the bumpers up.

Just as in your 'helping' thread, I think this isn't too hard to understand.
You can handicap, eg give a headstart in a race, or let your child win by running slower.

When swimming we used to give a headstart we thought would mean a deadheat but then race properly.

With chess I removed a few of my pieces before we started and then didn't try to concentrate.

If they’ve actually got as decent a chance of winning as I have, I’d try my best. If they don’t, because they are several feet shorter than me and can barely throw a ball yet, I would make it a lot easier for them. I want them to enjoy the game, I want them to feel the satisfaction of winning sometimes and learn how to lose sometimes. Both are important. Generally speaking I’d be fixing my input so that we won / lost a fairly even amount.

If they’re getting cocky, I’d win more. If they need encouragement I’d win less. I’d also play games where the difference in skill can be more easily accounted for like eg hoopla, where I’d have to stand much further back and they stand much closer.

Letting them win means making an effort to play badly and ensuring that they win, even if the child also plays badly and doesn’t make an effort to try and win. The child will always win no matter how badly or well they play.

Handicapping means making adaptations and/ or not playing to your full strength to even the playing field so that the child has a chance to win if they make an effort and play well. The child will win some of the time but only if they put in effort and play well. Ideally you would adapt so they win around half the time as that means the adaptations
/ ‘handicap’ have left them evenly matched.